Wild Dog Adventure Riding

General => Africa Info & other International Travels => Topic started by: BOZO on August 14, 2019, 01:01:35 pm

Title: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on August 14, 2019, 01:01:35 pm
I have started this thread late. By all accounts about 3 years late I suppose but after reading @Mr Zog and @silvrav threads I thought some of you may find this interesting. Also some people may want more info about this island.

Firstly some background as to how we got here.
We were sitting at home looking at the situation for our kids.
My eldest son of two was just going to go to High School and we were discussing their future when they leave school, the universities were busy being burned down and yada yada yada you know the story.
I had been passed up for promotion twice and eventually the owner of the company told me that I was never going to become a director as he needed his BBBEE points.... again yada yada yada you know the story. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a dig it’s just the reality of the situation.
I had just finished my Unisa Degree in Business management after 6 years of studying from 4:30am till 6:00am and feeing empowered we decided to investigate immigrating someplace.
We looked at the USA, Canada, UK, NZ and Aus. now when I say looked all we did was look.
I did the same as everyone else and emailed the standard "what’s the cost of living" there question to an ex colleague of mine based in Australia. Who instead of answering me with useful details about the weather, food and beer prices, said "Send me your CV we are looking for someone like you"
Things happened quickly after that and before you know it I was in Melbourne living in a flat with no furniture thinking WTF Just happened. My wife and kids were left behind to pack up everything and join me a month later.
To sum it up, I was completely unprepared for what this change in life and lifestyle  threw at me. My mind was in the wrong place and to be honest my heart was / is still in Africa but the decision to leave for my kids’s future is still the correct one.
Anyhoooo moving along
As a coping mechanism, I started writing letters to friends and family to tell them about the WTF moments and everything else in between Happy and Sad.
 
DISCLAIMER
I will paste  most of these verbatim as I wrote them, there may be some foul language and I make no apologies for it, my bad grammar and possibly my twisted outlook on life as it happens.
Cheers.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Noneking on August 14, 2019, 01:09:41 pm
Sub
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Toothless on August 14, 2019, 01:11:56 pm
Sub
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Fuzzy Muzzy on August 14, 2019, 01:12:08 pm
yeah bring it.. the miss wants me to look into AUS as her family live there. I'm digging in my heels but maybe a decent perspective is all I need.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: desertfox on August 14, 2019, 01:18:30 pm
 O0
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Ri on August 14, 2019, 01:19:27 pm
 :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sláinte Mhaith on August 14, 2019, 01:21:28 pm
 :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: DCR on August 14, 2019, 01:25:23 pm
Looking forward to this.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: TeeJay on August 14, 2019, 01:29:21 pm
Glad you started this thread - can't wait.....keep it coming. My daughter (a teacher) and her boyfriend (an electrician) are thinking of emigrating to Australia so I'll look forward to what you have to say.

THANK YOU  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Christian Kuun on August 14, 2019, 01:32:54 pm
Not Aus but close enough…  check the number of you and me's. 650 every month  :deal:

https://businesstech.co.za/news/lifestyle/321947/this-is-how-many-south-africans-are-moving-to-new-zealand-every-month/

Saffers in foreign countties
210 000 in UK
190 000 in Aus
100 000 in US
  60 000 in NZ


Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Bikerboer1973 on August 14, 2019, 01:42:35 pm
 :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: chicco on August 14, 2019, 01:56:54 pm
sub...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Willem-Ben on August 14, 2019, 02:34:30 pm
 ;) :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: roxenz on August 14, 2019, 08:14:43 pm
No need to apologise. Veni vidi vici.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Pumbaa on August 14, 2019, 08:47:32 pm
Not Aus but close enough…  check the number of you and me's. 650 every month  :deal:

https://businesstech.co.za/news/lifestyle/321947/this-is-how-many-south-africans-are-moving-to-new-zealand-every-month/

Saffers in foreign countties
210 000 in UK
190 000 in Aus
100 000 in US
  60 000 in NZ
This I'm afraid is not very accurate. What about the thousands of people who leave under the radar. The SA government has no idea I left, similarly a lot of other people I know..

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: sidetrack on August 14, 2019, 08:52:51 pm
Not Aus but close enough…  check the number of you and me's. 650 every month  :deal:

https://businesstech.co.za/news/lifestyle/321947/this-is-how-many-south-africans-are-moving-to-new-zealand-every-month/

Saffers in foreign countties
210 000 in UK
190 000 in Aus
100 000 in US
  60 000 in NZ
This I'm afraid is not very accurate. What about the thousands of people who leave under the radar. The SA government has no idea I left, similarly a lot of other people I know..

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk
But NZ Aus etc knows excactly how many South Africans enter. Sure the stats comes from there
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Gene on August 14, 2019, 09:01:44 pm
Well done, good luck with the new venture  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ktmmer on August 14, 2019, 09:02:01 pm
Not Aus but close enough…  check the number of you and me's. 650 every month  :deal:

https://businesstech.co.za/news/lifestyle/321947/this-is-how-many-south-africans-are-moving-to-new-zealand-every-month/

Saffers in foreign countties
210 000 in UK
190 000 in Aus
100 000 in US
  60 000 in NZ
This I'm afraid is not very accurate. What about the thousands of people who leave under the radar. The SA government has no idea I left, similarly a lot of other people I know..

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk

How do you leave under the radar ?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Pumbaa on August 14, 2019, 09:06:24 pm
Not Aus but close enough…  check the number of you and me's. 650 every month  :deal:

https://businesstech.co.za/news/lifestyle/321947/this-is-how-many-south-africans-are-moving-to-new-zealand-every-month/

Saffers in foreign countties
210 000 in UK
190 000 in Aus
100 000 in US
  60 000 in NZ
This I'm afraid is not very accurate. What about the thousands of people who leave under the radar. The SA government has no idea I left, similarly a lot of other people I know..

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk

How do you leave under the radar ?
Passport of another country. I guess they might know I've left because somewhere there might be record at airport immigration that my SA passport was stamped. I enter the other country on my other passport and registered in the other country on my other passport.

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Offshore on August 14, 2019, 09:19:59 pm
 :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 14, 2019, 11:55:42 pm
Mid May 2016

Not unlike Tom Hanks in the movie Robinson Crusoe or something like that, I am also on what’s classified as an island (to spiderpig anyway).
My sons have nick names that change from time to time the youngest max (11 at the time i think is called spiderpig) :snorting:

I have to admit that I don’t have a flat volleyball with a bloody hand print for company, but, I do have a cell phone and WhatsApp. He never had to worry about a time zone difference where I have to remember that there is a 8 hour time difference. Talk about first world problems.

So where to start. I suppose that we could start at the beginning but that would just be boring.


Our Arrival here was an experience that I don’t think I will forget for a long time. We / I hired a room in a house, now I don’t know what I was thinking but I suppose that a room in a house really just is a room in a house. We had to share a bathroom with the owner of the house and that’s all that was available. He was a nice enough guy if you are vegetarian and can talk about anything under the sun for at least 5 minutes at a time. We took forever to leave in the mornings as he would be there chatting away. (in retrospect I think he was bored shitless and would talk to a retard all day if he had the chance. Nikki did however motivate him to do stuff I can’t remember what it was but he seemed quite happy when we left 5 days later.

 

Now everyone says that there is no crime here, well let me tell you it’s not the crime you know. There is a different kind of crime here, let me explain.

So I’m looking to buy a second hand family car, one that can fit a family that is generally larger than your average Aussie, and when I say larger, superior, grander, I mean height and weight*.

Now in AUS you can’t buy a stock standard 1.8 family car second hand, you can buy a Toyota Camry V6 3.0L, a Holden battleship V6 3.0L, a station wagon longer than a cricket pitch and if you really want to spend some money well then you can get a CHEVY Monster V8 with all the bells and whistles.

Aannnnnyyyway, So there we are looking for a stock standard family sedan and we can’t get anything smaller than the spaceship used to tow the sun closer earth 10 billion years ago. Our Sales guy Gary has already spotted that the wife is a soft target and asks all the right questions like, Do you like automatic? Do you find that white and silver cars are easy to clean? How Tall are Max and Trent?

Then he shows us a Suzuki SX4 (sport model ) and we (its) are sold. It’s a family sedan, not a stock standard one but at least you don’t need a code 10 to reverse it and do a U turn, it does however have a 2.0 L engine that’s been tuned to eat tyres and scare the panties off young impressionable ladies. It’s got quick shifters (flappy paddles on the steering), cruise control, automatic and its silver, this is one hot car.

Now here is the CRIME.

You can’t go faster than 60km/h and in some areas at certain times of the day you can only go 40km/h. So what’s the point of having a pretty cool car with flappy paddles that you can’t use?

Another Crime is the price of beer, Surely there should be some kind of discount for the poor? $6 for a pint. Convert that at R11 and you are paying R66 for one beer and that’s the cheapest one!!!. (lucky it’s not 13 to one, my multiplication skills run out at 12 times table).

All the kids here need a lesson in how to tuck in their shirts, pull up their socks and get a haircut also Aussies are clearly poor as the girls can only afford long shirts and no pants.

The schools look pretty cool however and everyone is relaxed as school seems to start whenever you feel like going, I see kids walking around all the time.

So like Tom Hanks I have also encountered hardships on this island. Like not having Gas for 2 days. This means that there is no hot water, and its COLD. Like really cold. Bouncing around trying to wash your neither regions with an ice block is not fun trust me.  Then we get gas and I can’t turn on the cooker at the top. (cant light the fire) I had to get hold of someone in Port Elisabeth to help.

We have hired a Unit in Sandringham (address redacted)  :ricky: in case you feel you need to send wine, beer or whiskey.

It’s in a nice place and its 2km from the beach, the schools are less than 1 Km away so the kids can easily walk there and back. The house is small but then all the houses are small unless you are a multi multi multi millionaire.

We will take some time to get used to the smaller place but I’m sure that we will be comfortable. I can’t tell you what the TV is like as I don’t even have a couch. But I can tell you that you don’t get a “pub” that you can pop in an have a quick beer. There are these small gambling places where you can watch footy/ horse / dog racing, there you can have a beer @ $6. Or alternately collect straws and join them together and wait till your neighbor goes for a piss then sneak a quick sip…


There is lots more to say and I will send you updates as soon a I have internet at home hopefully Thursday or Friday.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 15, 2019, 12:02:25 am
Not Aus but close enough…  check the number of you and me's. 650 every month  :deal:

https://businesstech.co.za/news/lifestyle/321947/this-is-how-many-south-africans-are-moving-to-new-zealand-every-month/

Saffers in foreign countties
210 000 in UK
190 000 in Aus
100 000 in US
  60 000 in NZ
This I'm afraid is not very accurate. What about the thousands of people who leave under the radar. The SA government has no idea I left, similarly a lot of other people I know..

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk

How do you leave under the radar ?

I stand corrected but I believe that SA only counts you as immigrated if you have financially immigrated. if you are still submitting a tax return in SA you have not immigrated....
If you have left and you have not told them that you are financially immigrating, and you have not submitted a tax return.. ???... I Noah guy that can advise you,,,,
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Mr Zog on August 15, 2019, 01:52:21 am
Following  :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 15, 2019, 12:56:28 pm
End May 2016

So we are entering into day 13 on the island and I’m still alive.

I have met the peeps from work and everyone is mighty friendly, I’m also the Dumbest employee they have.  Maby that’s why they are friendly? (be nice to the slow kid scenario).

So I’m sure that you are wondering why I say that.

Everyone knows that Joke about Pilots and Engineers.

How do you know you are sitting next to a Pilot/ Engineer in a Bar?

He will tell you.

 

Ok to be fair.  No-one in the office has actually told me that they are engineers but I have had all the South Africans call me and tell me. (Daniel , Herman and Marius)

Lucky for me I can now say that I have more than just a matric. (LOL)

On that.

The actual Australian contingent in my office could not be any more removed from the mainland. There is a lot of “ hey guy” , “konnichiwa”  and “ how you doing hey” going on , there is no “Dumela” or “ sowubona” happening which is still odd.  It’s also odd to see a white oke clean the office.

 

Our Admin Guy Jakie Chan (I’m not shitting you) is a beaut. He treats me like I’m really slow. When we did a tour of the office it went like this.

JC: Gday mate’

BK: Howsit.

JC: har har har ,howsit. No Worries mate.

JC: I go take u on toor of office now, you come now.

BK: ok cool

JC: Here is you desk, here is you chair, you sit in chair, work at desk ok?

BK: ok? (looks around and checks to make sure that when we landed in Aussie my arms didn’t stretch so that my knuckles don’t pass my knees, decided to stand up straighter)

JC: You now come to kitchen, her is kit-chen, here is water boiler (kettle) to make water hot. here is sandwidh squasher (snackwedge machine). Here is sink to wash dish.

BK: cool (glances round to see if this is a Joke)


Anyway you get the idea. We took 25 minutes to tour an office the size of my bar.

 

Most of the questions I get from the other people are. Mate where are you from in South Africa? And is that close to cape town?

 

Fat People…… Well to be honest you don’t see many fat people. I think it’s because they are very active, they walk everywhere and spend lots of time outside.

I really need to buy a warmer outfit, when I go outside I last all of ten minutes and then I give up.  These frikken crazy Aussies walk around in tee shirts and I’m looking for a suitable sized kangaroo to volunteer its pouch and If there is Joey in there I’m not scared to share.

Because everyone here is a worker there is not a big social status gap. The doctors will have a drink with the tradesmen. Doctors are called doctors and Tradesmen are called by their specific trade. I got a lesson last night.

So  keep this is mind for when I close of my letter to you all.

carpenter  =chippy

Ambulance driver = ambo

Brick layer = brickie

Refugee = Reffo..

The list is endless.

Popping into the local boozer, to have a quick stubby or tinny and tucker will find you sitting in the company of lawyers, construction workers and cleaners. It’s really cool, there doesn’t seem to be stigma attached to these people. Tying to have a conversation with them is a different story however.

 

Now you must understand that it’s not easy for an entire nation of people stuck on island to break the English language, these people have done it brilliantly. ( I can’t wait for spiderpig to get here)

Ordering a standard coffee, one would think, is easy? NO NO NO..

Here is a scenario that was repeated again yesterday. (don’t know why I thought it would be different the second time round.)

Barista (that’s a person that serves coffee you ignorant chops): g’day mate whatca drinkin?

BK: Howsit? Can I please have a regular coffee (points at the menu, where it says coffee… regular.)

Barista: (look 2 lines up if you have forgotten what that is): Sure mate which one? The short black, long black, Macchiato, Vienna, flat white or cappuccino?

BK: Ke?

Barista: (looks at this “Galah”, Rolls eyes and waits patiently)

BK: (speaks slowly annunciating each word carefully and points at the menu again trying to get this person to bring a coffee) Just a regular coffee please.. (ends off with a smile hoping that this will help)

Barista: Blinks twice, takes a breath and copies me, speaks slower than I just did and repeats the sentence. Only difference is that he starts with a smile.

(almost the same way we communicate with kids in the shopping centre when they want something and we don’t want to give it to them)… Suuure Mate…. What would you like? The short black, long black, Macchiato, Vienna, flat white or cappuccino?... (ends with a well-practiced smile)

 

Now you must understand that if this was to go on for another 3 rounds we would look and sound like a stretched tape speaking to each other… iiiiiiiii wwwoooouuulllllldddddd lllliiiiikkkkeeeee aaaa rrreeeeggggguuulllaaaarrrrr ccccoooffffeeeeeeee ppplllleeeeeaaaassssseeeee….  Keeping this is mind I decided to win this debate and went off on a whim and said. “ long black”

 

Barista: Ace mate, no worries.. (smiles triumphantly and walks off)

Little does he know I won that Debate..  how do I know? Because I’m writing this story that why I know.

And eventually I got my coffee…. And paid $5 (vomit)

So to assist you peeps when you get here.

A cup of black coffee = long black

White coffee= flat white.

Don’t even try to ask them to bring sugar at the same time. Rather make that self-righteous person walk again….

 

Aaannnyyyyywaaayyyyy… Enough about that. Moving along swiftly.

 

The radio stations are really good here, they play good music and the DJ’s are really funny. If you can see if you can stream HHH radio triplehfm.com.au and listen to them in the morning (mine not yours) it’s something to hear, and the news is also interesting. Just the other day there was news about some old guy that is intensive care because he got run over by some woman that was reversing out of here driveway. Clearly not much happens here. Oh and there was fight in a night club. Really? Really? How does that make news?

 

Oh speaking of night clubs last night we drove passed a night club called “poof doof” a night club for homos. Serous. CHECK the site http://poofdoof.com/  tag line “a gay club for homos”

Mind…..blown…..



Its Sunday arvo, and there’s a dinkum chance that this doco will come good in the end. I’ve been to the bottle shop and I’m having a $6 Cab Sav, even if its not my bowl of rice.

 

Zoy!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: OomD on August 15, 2019, 01:10:01 pm
Love the humor :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on August 15, 2019, 01:26:26 pm
Sub, keep it up mate!! :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 15, 2019, 01:36:42 pm
Because everyone here is a worker there is not a big social status gap. The doctors will have a drink with the tradesmen. Doctors are called doctors and Tradesmen are called by their specific trade. I got a lesson last night.

I found the same thing in the UK. Lived in Plymouth and they made no difference between bank manager (an actually serious title over there it seemed) and chippy or appi. We all played cricket together and then had a dop afterwards.

Loved it.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: woody1 on August 15, 2019, 01:38:20 pm
 :ricky:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Dirty Boy on August 15, 2019, 01:54:31 pm
Like your style of writing and the humor, keep going.

Having moved back to the UK again, been here 18 months, I can totally relate to what you are experiencing.

You are now earning and spending OZ $ so don't bother doing the converting to Ront thing, it just does your head in.

Good luck.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: TeeJay on August 15, 2019, 02:10:30 pm
So cool - keep it coming 'mate  :imaposer:

Thanks for posting - much appreciated  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: immigrant on August 15, 2019, 02:37:10 pm

A cup of black coffee = long black

White coffee= flat white.


 :laughing4: My mom, who visits my sister regularly in Aus, asked for a "long black" at our local Mc Donalds. Myself, and the guy behind the counter were equally shocked and confused.

We order different here and it also took a few tries to get it right e.g. coffee with 2 milk and 2 sugar = double double
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BullFrog on August 15, 2019, 04:27:52 pm
Sub...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Buff on August 15, 2019, 04:36:50 pm
 :imaposer: loving your sense of humour and following the adventure  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: jaybiker on August 15, 2019, 08:42:33 pm
Oh, man... yet another 'read first' thread on the forum!  :sip:

What with Zog, Big oil, Sardine, Edgy's pictures and quips, and now your riveting saga, not to mention the rest of the forum, it's getting more and more impossible to find a chance to come up for air. :o But I like it!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 16, 2019, 12:22:37 am
Like your style of writing and the humor, keep going.

Having moved back to the UK again, been here 18 months, I can totally relate to what you are experiencing.

You are now earning and spending OZ $ so don't bother doing the converting to Ront thing, it just does your head in.

Good luck.

Thanks, Its like free therapy letting it out.
Everyone told me to stop converting but it took me more that an year to get over it.
If anyone reading this takes at least one thing away its to get over converting everything as soon as possible or life just becomes miserable.
Or if you are like my kids dont convert and just see everything at almost 10 times cheaper  :imaposer:

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Ri on August 16, 2019, 06:33:55 am
Great read thanks! :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 16, 2019, 08:03:09 am
...
Or if you are like my kids dont convert and just see everything at almost 10 times cheaper  :imaposer:

Mine does that here  :'(
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 16, 2019, 02:09:04 pm
Early June 2016

This was 3 weeks in to my arrival. Everything was still wtf....

Fellow readers, fans, nit pickers and grammar police, the saga continues in this not so gripping episode of “what in the world happened in Aus”.


So we/I are/am into day 21 (and by the time I’m done with this creation, probably day 25) on the island and if this was a birthday I would officially be an adult.

If there was a Friday (slave) here I would have a Friday. But there is no Friday here so I decided to call it 23, at least it comes round once a month. ( this sentence makes no sense but I have typed it and there is no point in wasting a random thought)

If this was Tom Hanks in castaway he would have forgotten about bubba and that his old life was like a box of chocolates.


I on the other hand have a memory like woman scorned. I can distantly remember the last hangover I had.  And it was not on this island.

I also remember the last time I saw a rugby game that made sense and That was also not on this island.

On the bright side I can actually remember stuff now. So that’s pretty cool.

On this journey of discovery I have come to one definite conclusion, Cape town weather sucks in winter.

I have spent the last week working at/on client sites and retraining myself how to use creo (Cad Software) As this week I’m delivering a training course to 10 delegates on how to use CREO.

Some may laugh, but, some may be astounded as the last time I gave one of these courses was about 6 years ago. Talk about riding a bicycle (Called a push bike here)

 

In preparation for heading off to Sydney, to deliver this course, I had to ask several questions to my boss that were not in the company manual, or mentioned, as part of my introduction / induction.

Apparently this kind of thing is common knowledge worldwide.

So it was Thursday afternoon and I haven’t heard anything and I thought about this and decided that the best way to get the answers is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and see what results I would get.

 

I took the approach of using the Jackie Chang methodology and went for using short sentences and questions. (Baby steps to the door) (harro dis is kitchen, dis is water boiler)


This what I said. (summarized and added 30% drama for more interesting reading)

Hey Boss,

As you know, I’m off to Sydney to deliver a Creo Training Course next week and I don’t want to seem pushy but I do have one or two questions that I need to ask and I’m hoping that you can help me.

(These are by no means placed in order of importance or priority but if was going to do that I would have done them like this. )

 

Who is the client?

Where is the client?

Who is my contact?

How many people am I training?

Who orders the manuals, how do they get there?


Then a little lower on the priority scale but defiantly on the list are other things like,

Who books the flights?

How much are the flights normally?

Who books the car?

What is the average price for car hire?

Who books the accommodation?

How much is accommodation?

How does it work with food and drinks?

 

Regards,

The guy that has only been here for 7 days.

 

 

And this is how it works.

My boss says Sh!@t I suppose I should have thought to tell you some of these things.

And we go off on a long discussion about the questions I have asked.

In short……. I have to do it all and pay for it and then claim back the money when I’m done. My other alternative is to use the Admin Guy (Jackie Chan) where I have to choose everything then email him all the details and then get him to pay for it.

Which is easy enough if you have, I don’t know, more than 8 hours’ notice.

 

Boring story so far yes I know, but, the important part to any story is a solid base. One needs to connect with ones readers and give them a chance to identify with the characters (in this case morty) in the story and form an emotional bond.

Now I’m not asking you to become emotionally dependent on the meagre writings of an idiot, but having said that, I don’t walk around staring into the sun either.


I’m on the internet and I’m booking flights, car and accommodation.. Zonkie.......and it’s all going well, I have even organized to go to Sydney earlier on the Sunday morning so I can meet up with Clive and Maritza.

The weather has a different opinion on how the weekend and week is going to go however.

I got to the airport and the flight before mine and the one after mine has been cancelled.  We take off and as soon as the crotch check is done the pilot comes on air and delivers the bad news in a friendly voice.

“ G’day all, we are in for a bumpy ride as there are 125km
/h cross winds and there is only one runway open in Sydney. Hold tight and enjoy the flight”

The seatbelt light was flashing like a disco light and there was no chance of hitting the head for a break in the monotony of a 2 hour flight.

Needless to say the landing was bumpy and the flight attendees looked like they wanted to get off the plane as well when we were done.

I collected my bag that was completely soaked, I think they put it on the roof rack of the plane, and trundled off to pick up my rent a car.  (hertz)

I stroll into Hertz with the confidence of a man that has just walked away from what could have been a much better story and ask for my Car.

…….

…….

Guess What? …..

No Car!!!

Well, there is a car, and it’s in Sidney. Not Sydney…… Sidney is not where I am or want to be……… not at all. In fact it’s very far away from where I am right now. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sidney,_British_Columbia

So now I’m expecting to get the standard , Eish aaaawww, so so so sooorrryy.

Instead I get the Aussie standard helpfulness for ignorant people such as myself and within 10 minutes I had a car.

Winner!!

Upgraded!!

Double Winner!!

What’s the catch? There is always a catch.

It’s a battleship, it so long that you could play 10 pin blowing on the bonnet have a party inside and hide an elephant in the boot.  This nation loves big cars.

 

Annnnyyyyway  back to the weather.

Saturday night sees Sydney have the worst Storms in 43 years. Flights are cancelled, people are being blown over by strong winds, houses are being washed away by huge waves. It mayhem out there.

They even interviewed a shela on the news and she was clearly upset. This is what she said in between sobs…

“(snot snot)…. It’s so unfair, this is like a nightmare….. (snot snot, wipe) (elbow to fingertip wipe like spiderpig does it) It’s all the governments fault, they should have built a storm wall, they should have known that this was going to happen…… (snot snot, Wipe).

That’s where I stopped listening.

 

The rest is pretty boring except for the bad weather that has added at least some drama to what could only be told as a random boring story.

(Second day in Sydney, not Sidney)

The Aussies here are Special.

I’m sure they have seen Point Break and have convinced themselves that it’s the 50 year storm out there. Already 3 surfers have been lost at sea. Waves are crashing into buildings, swimming pools are being washed out to sea, sailing boats are being capsized in the harbour and the kids are thinking…

 “Aw mate looks good for a quick swim hey?”

And if that’s not bad enough their dads are thinking that they have a 4x4 with a snorkel which means they can cross the raging rivers so they collect their mates, load a slab (that’s a case of beers) head for the local hi-way which is now underwater with logs, old furniture like couches, TV’s, Gas Stoves  (the stuff they leave on the pavement) and shit  floating past and they are saying.

“Aw Bruce this looks like a good spot to cross hey mate?”

Now this could be funny if a few people did it and they were under the age of let’s say 16. But that’s not the case. No no no…. not 1, not 10, no people, and this is the best part, and I’m sure that the number is going to increase during the day. By the time I left for work this morning there were Approximately 250 people that had to be rescued out of their cars, and the police were on the TV this morning asking people to not cross the raging rivers.

The news people are broadcasting that that you need to phone your insurance to check whether you are covered for flood damage. (seriously) no drama or 30% added to this line.

The TV station have crews on every beach.

So ?

The beaches are so close that you can see the one camera crew in the background of the ones currently filming.

 

And on my final giggle for this mail and the day. The closing comments from the health and safety minister this morning (standing on the beach with the mass destruction behind him) (its actually only 6 houses that we badly damaged) he says …. He doesn’t understand why people won’t drive into or through a bush fire but they will drive through a raging river. He is now going to start a national campaign to educate the Australian people about the dangers of flood water.

Zooi!!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: 0012 on August 16, 2019, 02:48:46 pm
 :spitcoffee:   :imaposer:   :lol8:

loving this, gooi!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Willem-Ben on August 16, 2019, 02:54:03 pm
 :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 16, 2019, 03:15:15 pm
 :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: I&horse on August 16, 2019, 03:37:35 pm
Lekker!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: roxenz on August 16, 2019, 05:27:50 pm
Brilliant! LMAO. On my first visit to Aus (1993), I went through exactly the same discussion about coffee...  :imaposer: I'd love to hear about your visit to King's Cross in the Rocks area in Sydney (not Sidney). You did go there, right?  >:D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 16, 2019, 11:16:21 pm
Brilliant! LMAO. On my first visit to Aus (1993), I went through exactly the same discussion about coffee...  :imaposer: I'd love to hear about your visit to King's Cross in the Rocks area in Sydney (not Sidney). You did go there, right?  >:D


I’ve been to Sydney a good few time since I have been here. All I see of that place is the airport the hotel and the place that I’m working. To be honest it’s so expensive and gridlocked that I can’t be bothered.....
I know, I suck, I should be like all the others and explore the new cities I visit.... ... give me wide open spaces, thick forests and rivers thanks.....
Oh and there is also this one little problem. In South Africa you can put me anywhere and I will be able to tell you which way is north. Here downunder.... I’m screwed I walk out of a building and I can’t find the car park in front of me.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Gene on August 17, 2019, 11:04:08 am
 :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :laughing4: :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: rubiblue on August 18, 2019, 02:08:46 pm
Hahahaha. Enjoyed this. Keep it rolling.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 19, 2019, 12:05:43 am
Mid June 2016

G'day

Does anybody watch TV or the news? Has anybody bought a newspaper and not used it to pack glasses, clean windows or light a fire but actually read it?

I can say without a doubt that there are a few people in this list that have not bought a newspaper in years.

Before you start thinking about some witty reply, I’m not talking about the local free “report” (Afrikaans version) or “city times” (English version). This is a valuable document that is delivered every week to our door steps.

This valuable information that we consume like a “huisgenoot / you”  in order to know what’s happening in our neighbourhoods.

If you have mildly successful kids in sport or academics you can cut out the pictures of them and leave them lying around in strategic positions so that when people visit you can draw their attention to the article and show off.

You should you wonderful parent you, why not! Hell you are so special that you produced another human being that can not only inhale oxygen and exhale carbon di-oxide, this special person is now immortalized forever in the historic records of the shitty little backwater town that you live in. Congratulations!!!

I can say with absolute certainty that I never had to put my parents through that kind of mundane ritual of checking every week to see if I made the papers, I can also say that I can only think of one other person that was that kind to his parents (you all know one) although I’m not sure about that anymore. Freaking overachiever…….

To elaborate on this topic a touch, as one does, when one is bored, or just feels like elaborating. My sporting and academic achievements at school were never really whispered in the sacrosanct (that’s a real word by the way, and I used it in the correct context) corners of the staff room or sports field, and they were probably best described as……….not very good, average, probably closer to  “ag shame at least he tries”.

I mean I only managed to scrape through with a certificate of achievement for acting, a solid top of the class certificate for woodwork prize, 3 years in a row baby, and a stock standard blue blazer that lasted me right through to matric. There was no need to sew little scrolls on the side or add a ribbon to the outline or god forbid make my parents go out and buy a whole new white blazer because I was special.

There are people out there whose parents had to buy an extra free paper because their picture was on both sides of the page.(you know who you are in this list).. NOOOOO I was not that kind of student.

But I digress, in fact I have digressed so far that I can’t remember why I started writing this…….

I’m sure there was Beer, Cigarettes, Golf, Mates, Bars, Cars, Road tunes, road trips or motorbikes and women in there.  Why else write anything?

AHHHH now I remember,

We have a local newspaper and they have a crime section, is called “keeping up with the crime your area” or some other k@k, and the area that they cover is probably the size of Benoni / Boksburg / Centurion / Springs. Pick the one that you can relate the size to and not all of them.

There were a “spate” of Car break-ins and people were really pissed off.

Some of the cars had their doors opened and their spare change was  taken. (these were the unlocked ones)

Others had windows broken and laptops taken of front seats (these were locked)

All of these cars are parked in the street overnight.

One guy even reported his car missing, but luckily they found it about 4km away with no fuel in. ( I’m still waiting for the TV crew to interview him)

First world problems...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: IanTheTooth on August 19, 2019, 12:18:20 am
Newspapers! Something that I couldn't get to grips with when I arrived. There isn't the constant flow of free papers delivered to your door so for a long time I really struggled with some newspaper to put down for painting or wiping up after a job or putting dirty greasy things on. I've largely solved this by scouting around the hospital and collecting all the free copies of the Whitsundays Times and as a bonus the whole family has appeared in the paper in our various sports. My son is just a bit miffed to find out what happened to the people he's arrested on page 3 before he gets to hear through official channels.  This is for serious miscreants like the graffiti artist who can't spell his own name etc. but he did have to pull his firearm in a domestic violence call out. The police carry with a bullet in the chamber here, no second chance.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: IanTheTooth on August 19, 2019, 01:46:24 am
Here's the family newspaper cutting I have enjoyed the most. Where I have finished up is a bit of a boating mecca. We are on the sheltered side of the great barrier reef with a whole string of islands on it's sheltered lee. We decide to get sailing again and bought a trailer sailer sports boat called Sardine, a Young Rocket 780, for visiting and camping on the Islands and entering the local yacht club races. For the sailors amongst you it goes a bit like a big Sprog.  There is a big sailing presence in the Whitsundays/Airlie Beach/Hamilton Island area. At the moment the Hamilton Island regatta is on which I believe is the 2nd biggest sailing event in Australia after the big one at Geelong YC in Melbourne.


Anyway, this cutting is of our first race in Australia and the Hogg family cleaned up. This was after being pushed over the line and being held for quite a while before we could go back and start properly. Usually my wife watched the family sailing achievements when we sailed dinghies in RSA from the shore but this time she got to be in the boat! I'm sure the locals would call it beginners luck but us South Africans would call it a damn fine bit of sailing.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: IanTheTooth on August 19, 2019, 02:44:59 am
By the way for the police state brigade. There is no licence, annual inspection, SAMSA documentation or any other officialdom attached to this sailing boat. You put it in the water and off you go if your outboard is less than 4hp as most small sail boats are. The trailer has to be legal and licenced though.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: frankmac on August 19, 2019, 07:03:21 am
"Aggressive start" hey Ian. It's the competitive enduro blood. The other sailors can be thankful they weren't nudged out the way.

Thanks Bozo, I'm enjoying this.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: mox on August 19, 2019, 07:59:09 am
Loving this.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: IanTheTooth on August 19, 2019, 08:38:30 am
Nice to hear from you Frankmac. A little nudge can go a long way as my old riding mate Anthony "mad" Marshall will testify after he "nudged" Stuart Beattie on one enduro. I have been thinking about you Frankmac because the story I have been wanting to write is, " The Greater Bower bird and my part in his sex life" (apologies to Spike Milligan) which will be about the incredible variety of what we would call exotic bird life around my house. Australia is not all about spiders, snakes, flies and marsupials.   
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: frankmac on August 19, 2019, 10:30:57 am
 :biggrin: I look forward to your book, Ian. From the title it should be a "hoot".

Hijack off.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 19, 2019, 01:16:46 pm
By the way for the police state brigade. There is no licence, annual inspection, SAMSA documentation or any other officialdom attached to this sailing boat. You put it in the water and off you go if your outboard is less than 4hp as most small sail boats are. The trailer has to be legal and licenced though.
I believe that sailing and boating are in your blood. You either love it or you are happy to be on dry land. I enjoy the water and I would even say sailing. Especially when it’s someone else’s boat! You are fortunate enough to be living in the perfect area for that. Nice warm weather clear blue sea, and scantily clad shelias happy to haul anchor.... down here in the south of the island for 8 months of the year I see boats growing barnacles, hiding from the rain and sleet being blown off the southern ocean. And the only scantily clad birds are the seagulls that have crossed Port Phillip Bay looking for a dropped “slap chip” called hot chips.
Thanks for sharing you family story, it’s awesome that you all could do something like that together.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: IanTheTooth on August 20, 2019, 02:50:37 am
BOZO, you are definitely onto something about the weather that is hard to work out in South Africa. Don't get me wrong, Queensland is hot, in the middle of summer it can feel like Durban turned up to number 11 but on the whole it is cooler and less humid than you would expect. We are at 20 degrees below the equator in the Whitsundays about level with Beira and a great deal of the year is surprisingly dry and mild, even a bit cold overnight. Humidity can be astoundingly low when it is hot as the air mass comes mainly from inland. Brisbane, on the same latitude as Durban can feel more like Pietermaritzburg in winter and a largely dry heat in the summer. Melbourne can have miserable weather as obviously so can you! There is also the persistent trade winds that blow from the south along the coast, usually about 15knots. Often I see overseas cyclists stopping for a rest while doing the big adventure cycle from Cairns to Melbourne and I can tell them that they are cycling the wrong way and it's only going to get worse. It's cruel to be kind.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 20, 2019, 06:05:04 am
Urgh Weather.... Look in Melbourne the weather changes hourly. You can wake up to an amazing blue sky and warm weather. Have a quick coffee and then grab your umbrella and put a jacket on.
It takes time to get used to it but on the bright side you do get to wear all your seasonal clothes in one day..  :imaposer: in one of my upcoming posts I do talk about it a bit.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 21, 2019, 01:07:54 pm
end June 2016

I think that todays and the next few will be about the experiences of my family arriving on the island. Now obviously this is how I see it, and if they have a different view then they should have been here first. 
I see myself in the same situation as Jan van Reebeer……k when he landed in Cape Town, or Dr. Liver……stone when he nearly fell over the cliff of Victoria falls. (musi-a-atunda). I was also completely alone with no support, no ship, no slaves, no food, or 400 porters to carry my stuff around…. And more importantly of course being the first person in the island EVER makes me awesome. I wonder when they will stamp my face on a coin!!!
 
Unlike Oscar award winning Tom Hanks in castaway, where he grew an enormous beard that remained clean for his entire stay, and losing a considerable amount of weight. I readied myself for almost a week before  the arrival of my family. My hair was trimmed I was clean shaved and I had surprisingly not lost too much weight.  There was some man scaping that went on just in case!!!!
I spent the morning trying desperately trying to pass time, I went shopping, I went for a walk, I cleaned the house, hell I even washed the toilets. So all of this was done before 12:00 and I still had 6 more hours to wait.
This in south Africa would typically not be an issue. Hell the solution is easy, I would have popped down to Hooters, grabbed a table an nursed some beers for a couple of hours. Here however, that is not the case.
So I waited patiently until about 16:30  when I could not wait any longer. I jumped into my high performance racing car with the flappy paddles on the steering wheels and charged down the hi-way at a steady 80km/h I even pushed it up to 85km/h at a point. Feeling devilishly brave at one point I even went through an orange light and nearly flipped off a truck driver. (thank goodness I had not lost complete control and managed to hold back on that one. Who knows how the trip could have turned out). It was raining and the hi-way was scheduled to be closed later that night so I knew I was in for an exciting drive. The adrenaline was coursing through my veins as I finally pulled into the airport parking. Had I known that it was going to cost $15 an hour I probably would have left later and driven slower.  Well hindsight is 20/20  or hindsight is a perfect science, you pick I’m still $30 short.
But enough about me let’s move on.
I strolled into the pickup area expecting to see a crowd of people and a coffee shop but I suppose that being a Saturday afternoon all the Aussies are cracking a cold one and watching the footy. They probably also knew the price of the airport parking. Now you know that in SA as a person that is coming to collect a person you can’t get to the Jobby that the suitcases arrive on. You know the conveyer belt system. There is a security guard and dog and a one way door and railing to stop you getting to that area. Well in Australia there is none of that. If one was so inclined one could actually do some serious xmas shopping there. Sure you may get some dirty laundry but you may also get some really cool stuff. (I’m just saying)
 
I waited, and waited until the flight finally arrived. I was so excited and I waited, tying to be calm, you know that look, all harry casual leaning up against a pillar, not a care in the world. That was me. And I waited.
The people got off the plane and collected their bags, and people were saying hello to loved ones and smiling and shit.
And I waited.  My harry casual stance had now taken on a not so harry casual stance. It was more of a crouching tiger / leaping dragon stance. By now I have already sent 3 WhatsApp’s and checked my phone for responses. Because clearly the last time I got here with a SA sim card and could not send a WhatsApp things have changed. What a fool I have become, I smile to myself in my crouching tiger / leaping dragon stance.
Eventually after what seems an age (probably 15 minutes) I Spot them… My family!!.. There they are. My heart fills with pride and happiness and sadness and joy. I’m a bag of mixed emotions. But mostly with joy and laughter. Spiderpig has not disappointed and is wearing a tracksuit that makes him look like a road cone. He is talking incessantly and pulling a wheelie suitcase behind him causing havoc. He is crossing the paths of people ,every time he turns to check if someone is listening,  and causing everyone to walk and stop and walk and stop. Trent is Bitching at his brother and trying to look cool at the same time and Nikki as per usual doesn’t seem to notice any of the chaos going on around her. She has even adjusted her walk to time Spiderpig’s crossing her path so she can just glide past like an ice skating ballerina on her way to do a triple mid-air spinning back kick with a ¾  half crank backwards landing. God it’s a wonderful thing to be able to watch this.
Eventually we collect the bags and let me tell you we have bags. I was starting to wonder if I needed to buy a bigger car!!!! One bag is missing a handle and a wheel. And the bags are all 20000000kg heavy.
By the time we get to the car the one bag is missing 2 opposing wheels and a handle and I have to carry that one. Spiderpig is half way though his version of “gone with the wind” with his nonstop talking, Trent is still trying to get is brother to keep quiet and Nikki is still Ice skating like a Pro.
We managed to Jam the bags in to the car and get on our way and I drove like a bat out of hell (75km/h) to get home.
WOW and that’s just the airport!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Ganjora on August 21, 2019, 01:15:48 pm
wow.
 :o
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ROOI on August 21, 2019, 01:21:16 pm
Sub :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Dirty Boy on August 21, 2019, 01:28:45 pm
Thank you BOZO. Im having a crap day at work but snatching a few minutes during lunch to read this made me smile. Keep going.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sam on August 21, 2019, 01:44:28 pm
Classic.

Post a pic of Spiderpig.......I'm really trying to imagine how this nickname / term of endearment came about.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 21, 2019, 11:45:02 pm
Ha Ha.
I suppose Posting a picture would make alot more sense. These are from around the time we first arrived.
The first one was from out farm in SA. When I look at photo my vision goes a bit blurry, How I miss the bush!!!
The second was when we had been here for a week or two
The third is their first day a school.
You can guess which one is spiderpig. ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 22, 2019, 08:37:24 am
End June 2016

After a Late night, of debaucherous drinking, smoking and fornication, (in other words an early bedtime) day one for the newbies arrives.

I am going to give them the quick round trip of what’s what on the island, after all, in the land of the blind the one eyed man is king!!!

For step one we have to get food, I had forgotten how much 2 boys can eat in one sitting.

So we are off place called “ALDIS” its like a cheap place to get decent food, it’s the competition to Coles and Woollies the other 2 main food places in Aus.

As with all other food shops, you get a trolley and fill it like normal, but now you have two kids that are seeing stuff for the first time and they are not converting back to Rands, so everything is cheap according to them, which is great fun, until you explain the exchange rate, and then it all goes downhill, because now you have to  do the conversion for everything.

Here is a typical example.

Spiderpig “Dad this Nutella choc spread is only $4”

BK “Spiderpig that about R44, Lets look for a cheaper one”

Spiderpig “ how did you work it out to be R44”

Thinking I’m going to be clever I tell him this.

“Take the price add a '0' to the end of the number and then add 10% and add the 2 numbers together, then you will get a rand price”

Spiderpig shrugs says “ oh ok” and puts it in the trolley anyway.

Little did I realize what I had done to myself. By being clever I was beaten by one shorter and louder than me.  The shrug was not and oh ok that makes sense. The shrug was more of a “ lol you chop I have you now. You wanna be clever, well watch this place”

For the next 5 minutes,

Dad how much is this in Rands?

Lesson learned!!!


Now one of the reasons that “ALDIS” is cheaper than your average shop is because they have cut down in certain areas.
For instance.
1. They run an entire food shop with 4 staff. (packers, till operators, managers, zonkie)
2. When you get to the checkout counter. The conveyer belt its long in front where you load your stuff onto and its short where it goes past the till operator.  Now there is a good reason for this.

1.       You need to “ deposit” $2 to release a trolley from the locked area.

2.       You get your $2 back when you return your trolley.

3.       They don’t have packets to pack your items in.

4.       And they don’t have a packer to pack your trolley.

So I’m sure that by now you are wondering why I’m telling you this. Here is the fun part. We (Trent and I) unpack the trolley on to the conveyor belt and I tell Trent that he must take the trolley to the other side and pack it when the stuff comes through. Bearing in mind that Trent is still assuming that everyone works on Africa time, he thinks that this will be easy. The Teller starts pushing the groceries past the scanner at a speed, and thy are piling up on Trent’s side, I see the panic set in. He doesn’t know what to do, and we have a quick Chat

BK: “Come, come china you must pack this trolley. “

TK: “ DAD, what’s happening here? Where are the packets?”

BK: LOL “ Trent there are no packets. Just pack into the Trolley”

TK: “ Flippit this oke is sending the stuff through quicker than I can pack, and I have never packed a trolley before in my entire life”


The Teller is Pissing himself and keeps pushing stuff through quicker. I’m laughing at Trent and he is stepping up his game of learning how to pack a trolley really quickly.

That’s where I realized that I have also never packed a trolley before that day.

What a Laugh!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Tman21 on August 22, 2019, 11:36:51 am
Kak Lekker Myt! :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Willem-Ben on August 22, 2019, 11:58:09 am
Hi BOZO - More please don't stop.
Your island family are blessed with you.

Cheers
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Antonie on August 22, 2019, 12:06:58 pm
Hi BOZO - More please don't stop.
Your island family are blessed with you.

Cheers
Indeed. Get it going, what must I do at work all day?!

Sent from my LG-H990 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 23, 2019, 12:03:24 am
Early July 2016

The Tale of the Bozo family landing on the island has now become an even greater event than Robert Louis Stevenson’s  “Treasure Island” or “The Swiss Family Robinson” (German: Der Schweizerische Robinson) a novel by Johann David Wyss, first published in 1812, about a Swiss family shipwrecked in the East Indies en route to Port Jackson, Australia.

**** it’s a rare talent to be able to hijack your own thread to educate yourself and those around you.
Just think, did you even know that “The Swiss Family Robinson”  were on their way to Australia?
Huh?
Well?
No, I thought not!!!
You can thank me later!!  :imaposer:
Education off
Hijack off *******
Why you ask?
Well that’s easy…. We got here!!! And guess what… it’s still an island. :P
I do believe there are many things that one can experience in life and one of the greatest is to watch the world change through the eyes of our children.
Yes they may work on our ability to see straight, buy nice cars, motorbikes, fornicate with sound effects or even…….god forbid just have a poo in peace and quiet.
They are there, all the time, but, we love it. Except for the trying to have a poo part.
I realized this when my two terrorists aka sons were still far away on the African continent. A continent that is so huge that the rest of the continents can fit into it (HE HE HE Zuma you beauty).
This realization became more apparent when they arrived on the island. Is the small things that we take for granted.
For example….
At the grocery stores here there is a thing called an self-check-out counter. I can just about guarantee that you will never see one of these in South Africa.
The concept is simple and it works. You walk into the shop and collect the stuff you want to buy.
You then walk up to the empty counter (there is no teller), scan the stuff you packed into your basket (yourself), load that into your packet (yourself), swipe your credit card and walk out the store. It works on a honesty principle.
Really? Really, really!!!
I have seen it, with my own peepers  :bueller:, but being old school, I’m happy to stand in line and wait patiently to get access to a Till Operator. (if you read this carefully you maybe be thinking to yourself…..” its because he is too shy to ask for help if something goes wrong”….. well you would be absolutely correct on your thoughts.)
Trent saw this and after his experience of shopping at “ALDIS” ,where he had to pack the trolley at lighting speed, he decided that this is his new favourite method of shopping.
Unfortunately his favourite method of shopping means that he needs to use my card. So I now have lots of charges on my card for $1 or $3 . (LOTS). *edit* Apparently you can use cash as well…..
The fact that the kids can stroll up to the shop or to the park without adult supervision takes getting used to, in a week they will be catching a bus to school and then I ask myself what’s next.
Well the island is an interesting place. BUT let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Things like washing clothes and ironing takes on a whole new meaning. Living a privileged life where your clothes magically travel from the bedroom floor or the shower floor to the cupboard, neatly folded and clean, well that life is over pappy. Wearing 3 different t-shirts during the day because you feel like it, well that’s over too.
On the journey to the island there was only so much space to pack stuff, as the rest of the escaping South Africans also needed space to pack their kak.
So there is only so much clothes to go round. In the first week the boys were so excited they tried to get through all their clothes in 2 days. Nikki the ever calm mother said nothing… for the first week.
Then we went washing.
At the laundromat.
Where its $5 a load. :-\
And you still need to tumble-dry it.
At $1 for 7 minutes. :-\
This is when I saw the edging on the perfect person start to fray, Juuuusssst a little, there were people (Nikki’s different personalities) standing in line trying to get out first to give their opinion. The operations manager part of her was almost at the door when the accountant did a double flick flack and landed just behind the mother part, leaning over the mother’s left shoulder whispering in her ear the current exchange rate and counting the loads of washing. On the other shoulder was Nikki’s General Manager personality saying things like,
”Get a grip of this situation, you need to ensure that this place runs like a tight ship, no over expenditure on the budget allowed”.
The operations manager is still in the background on her tippytoes trying to rally support for how to get to the laundromat with a ton of clothes on a bus, and further back is the admin person quietly crying over how this is all going to be ironed and hung without it getting dirty and creased on the ride home in the bus. (slowly we are starting to understand the mind of a woman)
While the edges are starting to fray, (and we had only just arrived) in the background Spiderpig has lost his marbles and is staring that clothes spinning in the tumble dryer making whooo wwhoooo whhoooo noises.
Trent is trying to look swag (in a laundromat) and I’m getting a high score on bubble breaker. 
Just think about this for a second. A family of four sitting in line at a laundromat doing washing. Talk about living on a budget entertainment!
With the washing done and the coins all deposited into the various machines we are now folding clothes and the boys come to see what this strange behavior is that their parents are doing.
We introduce this concept to them slowly, first the action is called folding clothes.
And It looks like fun, so we demonstrate/ instruct / show / help them.
A light goes on in Trent’s head as he watches this from the corner, he realizes that this is work and quickly does a sideways shimmy a small distance away, far enough to look like he’s helping but doesn’t actually have to.
It’s an old trick we all learned in boarding school, so that when you get spotted on the outskirts and chirped you can easily give a look of innocence and say “What? I am helping … see (and pick up something)”.
Spiderpig on the other hand has not learned this tactic and is standing there trying to tell a story unrelated to what we are doing. I give him a tee-shirt and try to show him how it done…….. Need I say more.
Watching him fold a shirt is a taxing effort, it slow, and wrong, and frustrating, and you know you should not take it away and do it yourself (every books says that they need to do it themselves) but in the end, we as parents failed.
His attempt looked like a someone losing a slow motion Kungfu fight with four kilograms of wet pizza dough.
After folding one shirt he thankfully went back to the tumble dryers to make whoo whoooo whooo noises. All this time Trent was trying to eye his muscles in the reflection of the glass.
I think I was foxed again. I think that spiderpig is the most intelligent human in the family and has out witted the rest of us.  He will probably never have to fold a shirt again in his life.
Only time and patience will tell.
Fast forward a couple of days and the kids are down to one set of clothes a day, the accountant has retreated to rest for a while and the admin person has stopped crying.
Peace has been restored on the island….. for now……..
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: OomD on August 23, 2019, 05:55:53 am
Love this! :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Splash on August 23, 2019, 07:20:13 am
Very funny. Can relate to this.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: tulips on August 23, 2019, 08:54:24 am
Classic :imaposer: Keep it coming
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 23, 2019, 10:06:30 am
They say kids are our punishment for enjoying sex - I look at my youngest and I can honestly say I can't remember it being THAT much fun... :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Dirty Boy on August 23, 2019, 12:26:24 pm
Oh this is funny.

Ive been on Mud Island for 20 months now and still laugh at things 'that just wouldn't work in ZA' like the self help counters. The Supermarkets have stands with fresh fruit, free for kids to eat whilst trawling around with their parents.

Then there is the ironing that I have to do myself. This isnt a problem because I dont let it pile up too high and do it whilst watching a movie. The most amazing thing is that 20 months later and I'm still using the same ironing board and steam iron. No tight knot of cables spouting from the base of the iron waiting to electrocute me.

Same goes for all my other appliances, all 20 months old and still work. Brilliant
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Buff on August 23, 2019, 12:37:47 pm
 :imaposer: this thread is better than Comedy Club  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 23, 2019, 01:46:31 pm
They say kids are our punishment for enjoying sex - I look at my youngest and I can honestly say I can't remember it being THAT much fun... :patch:
Ha ha. You and me both.  Only thing is I didn’t learn my lesson the first time round and did it twice......*facepalm*


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 23, 2019, 01:51:30 pm
Oh this is funny.

Ive been on Mud Island for 20 months now and still laugh at things 'that just wouldn't work in ZA' like the self help counters. The Supermarkets have stands with fresh fruit, free for kids to eat whilst trawling around with their parents.

Then there is the ironing that I have to do myself. This isnt a problem because I dont let it pile up too high and do it whilst watching a movie. The most amazing thing is that 20 months later and I'm still using the same ironing board and steam iron. No tight knot of cables spouting from the base of the iron waiting to electrocute me.

Same goes for all my other appliances, all 20 months old and still work. Brilliant
First thing I did was find a bin. Anything that needs to be ironed got trashed. Then I went to savers. It’s like a second hand shop that sells good cheap clothes. I wash it, hang it and fold it. If it needs to ironed is not mine. We do still have our iron, someplace. It’s right next to the “ fuck that I’m not ironing that” pile.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Grunder on August 23, 2019, 01:52:55 pm
They say kids are our punishment for enjoying sex - I look at my youngest and I can honestly say I can't remember it being THAT much fun... :patch:

Right!!??   :bueller:

And apparently if you close your eyes during the rocket show then it will be a girl.

So, the sex was so good I was given twins...and something must have scared me shïtless at the end because its two girls  :peepwall:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 23, 2019, 03:31:44 pm
Ha ha. You and me both.  Only thing is I didn’t learn my lesson the first time round and did it twice......*facepalm*

ME too, twice accidentally. One son 21 the other 10. Farked twice  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 26, 2019, 05:13:35 am
Mid July 2016

I still have not found the Swiss Robertson’s Family) and I wonder what I told you last.
Some of this may be repeated, but when you have a good story sometimes you need to tell it twice. ( sometimes A LOT MORE…..you know who you are  :deal:)
The problem with telling a story twice is you have to remember the important pieces, the dramatic pieces and bullshit pieces.
I’m sure by now you will realize that most stories are bland and boring but if you add 30% drama and 50% bullshit the important pieces are really enjoyable.
Firstly, our furniture has arrived.
We no longer need to camp like bogans (what’s a bogan I hear you ask) well ……..
A bogan is an Aussie slang word used to describe a person of “lower” working-class background, whose speech, clothing, attitude and behaviour exemplify values and behaviour considered unrefined or unsophisticated.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cf/Stereotypical_Bogan.jpg)

(https://i.dmarge.com/2015/10/arrest.jpg)

Is it strange that I can identify with these people?  Or is it just the really cool hairstyle that you can have and people don’t care?
I mean really a smoke, a stubby, and a pie…. What else could one want?...
Annnnyyyway….. we got our stuff and Wonder Woman took 3 days to unpack all the boxes, clean everything, and repack the cupboards….
These little tests of character that I designed on the boat trip to the island have been passed with flying colours,
When Wonder Woman applies for a job and puts me down for a reference I will be able to confidently say that she is going to be an asset to any organization..
Only a couple more tests to pass and I think she is ready to get out into the working world.
An additional test that I personally did not consider was unpacking the boxes with Spiderpig and Trento123 around.
All I can say is Kids are like socks.
Every now-and-again one disappears. When one disappears and the other one is around they are/it’s pretty useless especially when you need them to do their job. When you finally give up looking for the missing one it eventually pops up, like it’s always been there, and it’s your fault you couldn’t find it.
So now begins the battle of the adapters….
For all the sales people out there if you can find South African to Australian adapters and sell them on the net for less than $8 delivered you will make a fortune!!!! If anybody is keen to come out and do some market research, you can come to Melbourne. WE now have beds, couches, plates, coffee cups, even a decanter to put the box wine in.
Oh…
There is this one thing that I did do……that may be considered Bogan…
And I could not help myself, it’s a South African thing.. After Wonder Woman had unpacked the house in the shake of a lambs tail, we realized that Spiderpig needed a desk in his room, to do homework and such things. (his idea of the island was ruined directly after his first day of school, apparently there are also schools at the beach, and that sucks). 
I had steeled myself to get off the couch and venture off into the concrete jungle, battling Aussies, Chinese, and many others in this multicultural city, and old people to get to a SALVO’s or Kmart to buy a table. I grabbed the keys for SSWFP (Silver Suzuki with flappy paddles) asked if one of the minions wanted to come with. (got no answer…. Somethings never change) I charged off like the hero of any childhood story, to retrieve a hidden treasure. (I’m my mind I was prince charming, in reality probably closer to Shrek)
Armed with a hat, sunglasses, wallet, a quick sip of water to prevent dehydration, I summed up the the mental determination of a blind man trying to thread a needle, I was ready to come back victorious showing the fruits of my labour.
I was careening down the road, the blissful tunes of Metallica “enter the sandman” playing on the wireless, charged by male gusto and feeling brave as I was edging just on 62km/h in a 60 zone about to throw caution in to the wind, and turn corners without using the indicators when….. BOOM right there. On the side of the road. A table, the correct size, in good condition. And most importantly FREE…… yes people FREE. Now who doesn’t like free stuff. I had no choice…. I wrestled SSWFP to a stop (after indicating my intentions to do so) and took a picture and sent it to Wonder Woman.  My excitement was electric, I was going to bring home the bacon, the big whopper, and its FREE…….. Check it out (picture below)…
Pretty cool hey? 
Some might say Bogan, some might say tappit,
I say, if that was a case of beers would you stop. (absabloodyluutley) if you wouldn’t stop for a free case of beers please reply and I can remove you from this list.  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: TeeJay on August 26, 2019, 05:45:24 am
What a score - what a thread - thanks for the massive effort this takes - much appreciated  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 26, 2019, 08:42:47 am
What did Wonder Woman say? :peepwall:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Grunder on August 26, 2019, 11:30:54 am
I still have not found the Swiss Robertson’s Family) and I wonder what I told you last.
Some of this may be repeated, but when you have a good story sometimes you need to tell it twice. ( sometimes A LOT MORE…..you know who you are  :deal:)
The problem with telling a story twice is you have to remember the important pieces, the dramatic pieces and bullshit pieces.
I’m sure by now you will realize that most stories are bland and boring but if you add 30% drama and 50% bullshit the important pieces are really enjoyable.
Firstly, our furniture has arrived.
We no longer need to camp like bogans (what’s a bogan I hear you ask) well ……..
A bogan is an Aussie slang word used to describe a person of “lower” working-class background, whose speech, clothing, attitude and behaviour exemplify values and behaviour considered unrefined or unsophisticated.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cf/Stereotypical_Bogan.jpg)

(https://i.dmarge.com/2015/10/arrest.jpg)

Is it strange that I can identify with these people?  Or is it just the really cool hairstyle that you can have and people don’t care?
I mean really a smoke, a stubby, and a pie…. What else could one want?...
Annnnyyyway….. we got our stuff and Wonder Woman took 3 days to unpack all the boxes, clean everything, and repack the cupboards….
These little tests of character that I designed on the boat trip to the island have been passed with flying colours,
When Wonder Woman applies for a job and puts me down for a reference I will be able to confidently say that she is going to be an asset to any organization..
Only a couple more tests to pass and I think she is ready to get out into the working world.
An additional test that I personally did not consider was unpacking the boxes with Spiderpig and Trento123 around.
All I can say is Kids are like socks.
Every now-and-again one disappears. When one disappears and the other one is around they are/it’s pretty useless especially when you need them to do their job. When you finally give up looking for the missing one it eventually pops up, like it’s always been there, and it’s your fault you couldn’t find it.
So now begins the battle of the adapters….
For all the sales people out there if you can find South African to Australian adapters and sell them on the net for less than $8 delivered you will make a fortune!!!! If anybody is keen to come out and do some market research, you can come to Melbourne. WE now have beds, couches, plates, coffee cups, even a decanter to put the box wine in.
Oh…
There is this one thing that I did do……that may be considered Bogan…
And I could not help myself, it’s a South African thing.. After Wonder Woman had unpacked the house in the shake of a lambs tail, we realized that Spiderpig needed a desk in his room, to do homework and such things. (his idea of the island was ruined directly after his first day of school, apparently there are also schools at the beach, and that sucks). 
I had steeled myself to get off the couch and venture off into the concrete jungle, battling Aussies, Chinese, and many others in this multicultural city, and old people to get to a SALVO’s or Kmart to buy a table. I grabbed the keys for SSWFP (Silver Suzuki with flappy paddles) asked if one of the minions wanted to come with. (got no answer…. Somethings never change) I charged off like the hero of any childhood story, to retrieve a hidden treasure. (I’m my mind I was prince charming, in reality probably closer to Shrek)
Armed with a hat, sunglasses, wallet, a quick sip of water to prevent dehydration, I summed up the the mental determination of a blind man trying to thread a needle, I was ready to come back victorious showing the fruits of my labour.
I was careening down the road, the blissful tunes of Metallica “enter the sandman” playing on the wireless, charged by male gusto and feeling brave as I was edging just on 62km/h in a 60 zone about to throw caution in to the wind, and turn corners without using the indicators when….. BOOM right there. On the side of the road. A table, the correct size, in good condition. And most importantly FREE…… yes people FREE. Now who doesn’t like free stuff. I had no choice…. I wrestled SSWFP to a stop (after indicating my intentions to do so) and took a picture and sent it to Wonder Woman.  My excitement was electric, I was going to bring home the bacon, the big whopper, and its FREE…….. Check it out (picture below)…
Pretty cool hey? 
Some might say Bogan, some might say tappit,
I say, if that was a case of beers would you stop. (absabloodyluutley) if you wouldn’t stop for a free case of beers please reply and I can remove you from this list.  :imaposer:

While I was staying in England many many years go.  I stayed with my cousin for a while.  They had no microwave.

One night (around 2am) I was on my way home from the pub and voila, there is a microwave standing on the sidewalk in front of a house (same scenario as yours).  Here I thought I would treat my cousin with a free microwave.  Picked it up and carried it home.  It was quite heavy so I was impressed. Thought it was a top of the range machine.

Got home and plugged it in immediately!!  Turned it on to check if it was working fine. 
The sound that came out of that thing was horrific and LOUD!!!!!  (2am in the morning)

Needless to say I took it out to the pavement and placed it there for the next sucker to find
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 26, 2019, 12:24:24 pm
We have to threaten the kids when it’s hard rubbish day here. The last time that happened they collected a bunch of crap and it stayed in our yard for a year. If I put it out on the pavement outside the allocated week I have to pay for the removal of it... $60 I think. If it gets “dumped” then the police puts crime tape around it and if you are caught.... well let’s just say, don’t get caught. These guys don’t mess around with their ticket books. If I see a crime scene I will take a photo and post it.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 26, 2019, 12:27:36 pm
What did Wonder Woman say? :peepwall:
Let’s just say that there are days when Wonder Woman says a lot and days, sometimes weeks, when she is silent...... I got to do a lot of thinking on those quiet days following my awesome discovery.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Offshore on August 26, 2019, 12:48:35 pm
So, how did you get Home, SSWFP on table or Table on SSWFP? Thanks for sharing, cool write up. :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 26, 2019, 02:50:25 pm
What did Wonder Woman say? :peepwall:
Let’s just say that there are days when Wonder Woman says a lot and days, sometimes weeks, when she is silent...... I got to do a lot of thinking on those quiet days following my awesome discovery.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

 :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: lpj on August 26, 2019, 03:04:43 pm
sub :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on August 26, 2019, 10:20:58 pm
 :biggrin: ;D Noice! Busy catching up but I might come visit one day when I am accross the pond again @BOZO
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 26, 2019, 11:33:10 pm
So, how did you get Home, SSWFP on table or Table on SSWFP? Thanks for sharing, cool write up. :thumleft:
One of the blessings of having 2 kids and a small car when you start out in life is you become a master at 3d Tetris. An additional benefit is knowing how to sneak a quick one while they are picking up a scattered  box of  smarties.
I summoned both of those skills on this occasion. While doing a slow drive by I did the mental calculations to see how it would get it into SSWFP, including stopping angle, stopping time and external influences.
I waited for a distraction in the from of the bus arriving and pounced on the opportunity like a fat kid on a kfc nugget bucket. Getting it in was easy.... getting it out was a different story all together. The burning eyeballs from wonder woman diddent help alot either.  O0
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 26, 2019, 11:34:58 pm
:biggrin: ;D Noice! Busy catching up but I might come visit one day when I am accross the pond again @BOZO
COOL, / "sweet as" common lingo here..  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 27, 2019, 11:58:23 pm
Mid July 2016

Well I suppose that writing a story about picking up somebody else’s rubbish can only be so interesting.
Moving along swiftly to other topics, with no place in this thread. In fact these topics are more of a bar counter story. It’s a pointless story, its a space filler really, its used to belittle one person or a group of people that have made bad decisions in life according to the general populace that are in earshot, (in this case on paper/screen). For all the sensitive (slow 😊) people out there that need it to be spelt out for them its tongue in cheek .
Today my topic relates to Car Makers from the land of bagels and frogs legs and how I have sleepless nights about them.

Something important you should know is that my office is close to the Australian Synchrotron.
Here is a picture of the building.
(https://www.architectus.com.au/sites/default/files/ma-ind-Australian%20Synchrotron%2001.jpg)

Very nice hey?
Don’t be expecting to see one in South Africa soon.. the building I’m talking about.
Now I’m sure that you are wondering why this building and french cars keep me awake at night.
Have you seen “The Flash”? With Barry Allan? No…..well I’m not worried about wearing a ridiculous leather Suit and Being the fastest man on earth, what I’m worried about is the MetaHumans that Wonder Woman, Spiderpig, Trento123 (I was shamelessly plugging his YouTube channel) and I (the great island thinker) (the GIT) will have to fight when this breaks when the 50 year storm hits us. (according to the news that's almost every time it rains here, which is alot)

****** GEEK PART **************

Which raises a pertinent and obvious question: what does it actually do?
Technically speaking, a synchrotron is a large machine that accelerates electrons to almost the speed of light.
As those electrons are deflected through magnetic fields they create extremely bright light, meaning a synchrotron is also a “light source”.
Synchrotron light (X-rays and infrared light) is a million times brighter than the sun.

****** GEEK PART OVER*******

This is very similar to the large hadron collider.

***GEEK ON***
The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is the world's largest and most powerful particle collider, the largest, most complex experimental facility ever built, and the largest single machine in the world.
One hundred meters underground, beneath the border between France and Switzerland, there's a circular machine that might reveal to us the secrets of the universe. Or, according to some people, it could destroy all life on Earth instead. One way or another, it's the world's largest machine and it will examine the universe's tiniest particles. It's the Large Hadron Collider (LHC).
http://science.howstuffworks.com/science-vs-myth/everyday-myths/large-hadron-collider.htm (http://science.howstuffworks.com/science-vs-myth/everyday-myths/large-hadron-collider.htm)
****GEEK OFF****
(https://endtimesdarknessdescending.files.wordpress.com/2019/02/cern-bottomless-pit.png)

SO WHY OH WHY do we have this science lesson?
Well its easy. Really….
The multi-billion-dollar project near Geneva in Switzerland, designed to smash sub-atomic particles at close to the speed of light, unexpectedly lost power a day ago (2016), despite a series of sophisticated safeguards.
Now that we have all the facts let put this all together and find out why the GIT is kept awake at night.
The large hadron collider (lets call it the big ring thing) is built in France and Switzerland.
France and Switzerland Manufacture Cars.
Volvo’s come from Switzerland. Volvos are KAK.
Renaults come from France. And EVERYBODY knows how kak Renaults are.
And just like the big ring thing that just randomly loses power endangering life in earth as we know it. Volvos and Renaults are the same. 
After you (and you know who you are) buy one you are trapped for life. There is no getting out of being locked in with the problem of owning one or having owned one.
You will always be known as the person that owned a Renault.  :P
It like stubbing your toe on a table at 2:00 in the morning and not being able to tell anyone.
Or running barefoot over a field of lego over and over and over again… .only worse. Much worse. So bad….. REALLY BAD.
Just like Barry Allan from “the flash”, mentioned earlier in the story, you may be, or think that you are “the flash” but are you really going to chill on the beach with your mates in that hot gimp leather suit?

Here we have the Australian Synchrotron (smaller big ring thing), Which is similer to the big ring thing with its own unique dangers and issues that threaten the existence of humanity.
The pressing question that keeps The GIT (me) awake at night is this…..
What if there is a Renault mechanic working at the Australian Synchrotron? 
Whats the reliability of the casing that holds the particle that burns 1 000 000 times brighter than the sun like?
When I'm sucked into the black hole can I take photos?  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: TeeJay on August 28, 2019, 05:41:25 am
Yussus Bru - what an imagination you have  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 28, 2019, 08:12:32 am
Yussus Bru - what an imagination you have  :imaposer:

+1 or is it +1111  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: OomD on August 28, 2019, 09:11:30 am
Yussus Bru - what an imagination you have  :imaposer:

+1 or is it +1111  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
+1111, I'd imagine. :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: roxenz on August 28, 2019, 09:54:27 am
When I'm sucked into the black hole can I take photos?  :imaposer:
I asked on your behalf and got this answer:

"Dear GIT
Yes, you may take photos. But you won't be able to email or whatsapp them.
regards,
TFSM.
PS. Stop making fun of my creations. I'm watching you."

Hope that helps...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Offshore on August 28, 2019, 09:56:55 pm
So, how did you get Home, SSWFP on table or Table on SSWFP? Thanks for sharing, cool write up. :thumleft:
One of the blessings of having 2 kids and a small car when you start out in life is you become a master at 3d Tetris. An additional benefit is knowing how to sneak a quick one while they are picking up a scattered  box of  smarties.
I summoned both of those skills on this occasion. While doing a slow drive by I did the mental calculations to see how it would get it into SSWFP, including stopping angle, stopping time and external influences.
I waited for a distraction in the from of the bus arriving and pounced on the opportunity like a fat kid on a kfc nugget bucket. Getting it in was easy.... getting it out was a different story all together. The burning eyeballs from wonder woman diddent help alot either.  O0
You are Kakfunny, and Spiderpig is definatly related to you judging by your Profile Pic. :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 30, 2019, 12:57:03 am
 :laughing4: funny Wonder woman tends to agree with you.....
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on August 30, 2019, 01:12:15 am
Mid June 2016

Hello all,
This update comes with a no satisfaction guaranteed notice. Unlike insurance companies and banks I like to put my disclaimer first.

Let your eyes and brains collect and interpret these shapes called “letters” that are organized in specific patterns, that form “words”, that are organized yet again by patterns and order to form “sentences”.
These sentences are used to “communicate”. Communicating is tantamount to the human race. If you are dedicated enough you could use these “sentences, words and letters” and play with the order even more to evoke a human reaction called emotion, this emotion, when evoked correctly, can then be used to make human faces change. You can make them smile, cry and laugh, but that’s really for the professionals, and the great writers out there. All I can do is make people squint.
By making the font really small. Like this (if you are squinting then I have achieved my goal. Sometimes I think the hieroglyphics make more sense than letters. You see a horse you draw a horse.)

Anyway, it’s been a while so grab a coffee and find comfortable spot.
You may be reading this on your phone or ipad. This probably means that you should remember that sitting on a toilet seat for too long can have far worse effects than the deep vein thrombosis brought on by international flights. To eliminate this problem, I find that one simple exercise can easily sort that out. 
It’s called the “curved crunchy spine, elongating your back as straight as a broom stick and then collapsing like a hot air balloon crash landing in the Serengeti” move.
You get to work out the cricks in your spine and get a satisfying “ploop” sound. If one was so inclined and inquisitive enough (and you all are) and you sneak a quick peek, on a really good day you get a perfectly formed “Mr Whippy”.  Go on check……..LOL…..That reminds me of a very funny mail I received a couple of years ago about different poops and the names you can give them…. Will have to scratch around for that one.
There are 2 specific things I wanted to chat about today. One of them as per usual is an experience on the island and the other is a more serious matter experienced on the island. Not all experiences are fun, but when you are telling other people about them you can make it fun. Like being interrupted on the toilet by the maid with your hand in your pants. This can be a huge embarrassment or alternatively be turned into one of life’s valuable lessons. Where everyone can learn.  So let’s look at the example above.
Note to self… always lock the bathroom door.
Note to maid…. Always knock before entering the bathroom.
Note to self….. this will make a very funny story around a bar counter one day.
Note to self….. after telling this story people don’t really want to shake your hand anymore…
See EVERYONE can learn from this… :pot:
When we originally started looking to expand our worlds view and venture to the island we put out our feelers out to attempt to understand the cost of living and how things work here.
Firstly getting hold of a South African in Australia is not difficult. There are so many of them that they are like the yellow jelly babies in a sweet packet. When you reach in you know you are going to get one but are you sure you want it?
Now don’t get me wrong. It’s awesome finding a South African on the island, but not as awesome as actually being in South Africa and going to Hooters***** having countless 1L “big daddy” Castle draughts, boneless chicken wings and tatoe’ tots. 
**Personal HiJACK ON**A place of tranquillity, where you can discuss the meaning of life and other unspeakable matters such as politics, bikes and sex. In this temple of solace, advice offered around the table is freely given to one and all, and as the afternoon turns into night, the burden of advice, both giving and receiving, becomes a heavy load to bear, both physically and mentally, as a coping mechanism more beer is needed to assist in absorbing these wise words that are offered. On many occasion I myself have also offered advice to a willing and sometimes unwilling ear, a side effect of this is that it lightens the burden of having all this knowledge to share. If this is done correctly (sharing and receiving of opinions) people will elevate their feelings and viewpoints of you and hold you in high regard, done incorrectly and they will think you are a pompous self-opinionated narcissistic asshat. (I’m pretty sure I quite easily fall into the second part, besides there is no “I” in team but there are five in “narcissistic personality disorder”) . Which actually brings me full circle to what I was trying to tell you. **Personal HiJACK OFF**
Calling a South African in Australia and asking for advice needs some consideration. Firstly, That South African needs to be new in the country and still converting to Rands in their minds.  If this is not the case take everything they say and multiply it by 10.
Asking a Question like how much is petrol? Will give you an answer along the lines of, it varies, to it depends where you buy it. And it will also depend on where that person lives.
Now we (South Africans) are used to the government regulating the petrol price and there is no competition. Well here it a little different.
Petrol is a different price EVERYWHERE…..  and everybody sells it.
Coles, Woolworths, Engine, Caltex, Shell the list goes on and on and on…….. actually, I think that there may be only 1 more.
They each have own prices and they have their own specials, but, Coles which happens to be close to home sells one litre of petrol for $1.08 (at the time of going to print) and around the corner from them another Coles is selling it for $1.12
Right so now that we all understand how that works, we have found the cheapest spot to buy fuel, we can move on with life. WAIT….. you forgot….. this is the island, this is the place where nothing makes sense but everything works and Tuesdays are just another day.  Without warning the price will drop, slowly, and the prices at the shop change randomly, so the cheapest spot is no longer the cheapest spot. And then BOOM the price goes up.
I’m not talking a trivially little 1 or 2 cents . I’m talking 30% up. Overnight.  Check the graphs below to show you how it works. And that my friends is why you can’t get a straight answer for “how much does petrol cost.”

Melbourne
 (https://www.accc.gov.au/sites/www.accc.gov.au/files/fuelwatch/melbourne-ulp.png)

Perth
 (https://www.accc.gov.au/sites/www.accc.gov.au/files/fuelwatch/brisbane-ulp.png)

Anyway if the petrol price variation is used as an indicator to the answers you receive from Aussies, then only ask questions to Aussies that live in Perth on Fridays.  < I know right!!! that makes no sense at all.. :dousing:
Wonder Woman and I decided that it was time to get our island style driving license as its used for everything here. I was tired of carrying round 200 documents proving who I was and where I live. (clearly the legend of the GIT has not spread as far as I thought) (don’t worry about my feelings, my narcissism has already patted me on the back for a job well done).
Being well versed in dealing with the locals back home we assumed that this was going to be a mission of note. You know how it works, being sent from counter to counter, like a cat trying to catch a red dot from a laser pointer.  We prepared ourselves mentally and physically for the struggle. I plucked up the courage and dialled the number to make an appointment. (that’s the mental part) wonder woman passed me the Credit Card (the physical part) and made an appointment. We were set for Monday 14:20 and 14:45. Ya Right 25 minutes…… suuuuurrrreee
Monday morning came along all to quickly, I warned Spiderpig and trento123 that Monday evening may be a tough one as we were off to deal with the island bureaucrats and their Germanic influenced “I only vant tooo heer vone clik”  ness.
We left a good hour before the time to be sure that we would be able to find parking and make sure that we were in the correct place and all. Also to be sure that we were close to the front of the line when our appointment time comes up. We found the building with relative ease, it was new, air-conditioned, with a good functional layout. As you walk in the door there is a friendly lady standing there, no Germanic accent but more of a Aussie/Chinese accent “oh hero maate, and hoowww are you going te daaay, Wothca be needing te do heeeer”  (a Chinese Aussie accent is actually a very difficult accent to type). Anyway after a few what? Excuse me? What? backwards and forwards, she prints out a ticket with a number, lets us through and shows us where to sit. As I said earlier functional. Shaped in a U with about 25 counters, TV screens for entertainment and progress of the tickets. Now being there early (someone’s got OCD….hint, not me, additional free hint, her nick name is wonder woman) you get to see how stuff works. People walk in and sit down waiting for their number to be called. “BING” number “AS0201 counter 14 please” you walk up had over your stuff and within 5 minutes done. All very friendly and simple. All handled at one counter, no “please go to counter 3 to pay then counter 5 to present the proof of payment then pass counter 8 to pay the bribe”.
I did not see one person wait for longer than 10 minutes, well except us of course. Eventually at 14:15 the lady in the front walked up to us and said “ hereeo mate you been ghelped yet” (still not an easy accent to type)… at 14:20 Wonder Woman’s name was called and off she went, happy days all sorted in 5 minutes. I was next. I got a short rotund East German retiree with a god complex and bad eyesight….
“ Soo you vant to geet a Veec Drivers liiiicense ghey…..mate?” (picture an irritated German trying desperately to keep his German accent but has lost the fight and now its German mixed with an Aussie accent.)
Please try to remember that just because the building is nice, it doesn’t mean the job is fun and the people have happy pills in their asses. Maby it just me and my sunny disposition but I always seem to get the bad apple.
After some back and forth that I want my drivers and bike license and his reluctance to understand my perfectly normal “straight outta benoni eccent” we eventually got to me taking whatever was on offer.
We paid what could be equated to a bond payment on a house in Rosebank for a license that is valid for the next 3 years with the assurance that we will never have to go back there as from now on its all online. BOOM BABY. Happiness comes at a price…
All very chuffed with ourselves we went home to celebrate where we shared a packed of chips and a glass of wine. Being bigger and stronger than the rest of the family I got 2 extra chips and when Wonder Woman was not looking I took an extra sip of wine from our shared glass.
If you would like to complain, give compliments or even share your opinion with me (we all understand the burden of being wise) please feel free to call. But before you do please take note of the following.
One subscriber told the Sunday Times that a call to Australia that used to cost R0.72 per minute had increased to R20.11 per minute – a 2,693% increase.
http://mybroadband.co.za/news/telecoms/175791-why-telkom-hiked-an-overseas-call-rate-by-2600.html (http://mybroadband.co.za/news/telecoms/175791-why-telkom-hiked-an-overseas-call-rate-by-2600.html)
This doesn’t mean that you opinion is 2693% better than mine. ?? :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: TeeJay on August 30, 2019, 05:48:30 am
 :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Buff on August 30, 2019, 07:09:42 am
 :laughing4: :imaposer: I do believe you have missed your calling in life  ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Wayne on August 30, 2019, 07:41:29 am
Another thread that is on the first to view in the morning.

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Dirty Boy on August 30, 2019, 08:51:02 am
BOZO I think you can stop worrying about the LHC because I found a few mistakes in your manuscript.
1. I think you got your bagels mixed up with croissants. Bagels are an Israeli pasty I think.
2. Switzerland don't make cars, they hate cars
3. Volvo's are from Sweden
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on August 30, 2019, 10:27:27 am
Need to go for a crap now - just to test the exercise you see...  :sip: :patch: :peepwall:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: 0012 on August 30, 2019, 04:52:26 pm
 :spitcoffee:   :lol8:   :imaposer:

such an awesome thread, still  :thumleft:  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 01, 2019, 02:20:11 am
BOZO I think you can stop worrying about the LHC because I found a few mistakes in your manuscript.
1. I think you got your bagels mixed up with croissants. Bagels are an Israeli pasty I think.
2. Switzerland don't make cars, they hate cars
3. Volvo's are from Sweden
Thank goodness  :laughing4: now that I know that bagels are from Israel I can cancel my monthly subscription of best moments of Krav Maga  :lol8:
Again I'm an ambassador for education and I appreciate you pointing out that Switzerland dont make cars, I should have know that, that's where I have my numbers bank account with my imaginary millions. :imaposer:
SHWEEEeeeeeeeeeedddonnnnnnn and Volvos.... need I say more.  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 01, 2019, 02:22:01 am
Need to go for a crap now - just to test the exercise you see...  :sip: :patch: :peepwall:

It works ne'  :peepwall:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 01, 2019, 02:52:22 am
End August 2016

What do the Islanders do for entertainment I hear you ask.. (I imagine that I hear you)
Well, if they aren’t servicing their hot-rods or watching the footy they are having dress up parties. And why the hell not, it’s an island where moving away from the coast line could have perilous effects on your well being.
Apparently moving out of the 80’s is also pretty dangerous. Here your average school going kid seems to be stuck in the movie “back to the future” where they have long hair and wear life jackets for jerseys, their parents still drive a clapped out DeLorean, and I’m sure that they smoke pot with an uncle called doc brown.
The long term effects of this, are that you develop an accent that even makes the POMS cringe, and every sentence needs a “mate” thrown in. To end it off for good measure, you need to throw in a “No worries”  :lol8:
Lets back track a touch here… I think that if I were to contextualize this it would make heaps more sense.
Being stock standard South Africans we have gotten used to the miracle of DSTV. Yes its expensive and Yes 60% of the channels are in one of the official languages that we can’t understand and the other 50% of the 40% have got soccer playing or some other crap. But the last 20% is good.
There is rugby, golf,cricket, series, catch-up and movies.
And no advertisements…….yes and that’s why we pay the money…. no advertisements……
This island is different. There are 15 to 20 channels free. They are all English…And free……..
And they are all digital……. So our 2 TV’s that we brought out here don’t work……… >:(……….ANNNYYYYYWAY……. Back to the free part.
It’s great that the TV channels are free. We get to watch NEWS, Footy, reruns of M.A.S.H and Neighbours, ( ♪ everybody loves good Neighbours ♪ )…… and adverts.
In fact the real reason that all these Channels are free are the adverts. The problem is that they are so long that 3 out of 4 people in our house that suffer from (ADHD….DHDDHAHAAHDD) forgot what was on when the ad breaks started.
I kid you not!!! In one add break I counted 14 Adverts...
And really M.A.S.H ? I’m also tired of hearing about a crocodile that crossed a road 5000km away.. or some other random shit. 
And that’s how FREE TV became very old very quickly.
To be continued....
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 01, 2019, 05:46:24 am
End August 2016

With Free TV sucking so badly we went to a Quiz evening.
It was a dress up and we had to come garbed for the 80’s theme, apparently we had to go as school kids.
Wonder Woman had pig tails and looked like she used to in standard 9.
All the thoughts that I had in Standard 9 came rushing back in a mental assault that would have made a fitter man blind and hairy palmed.  At least I know that with the correct amount of red wine and wooing one of those thoughts was going to come true.  :lol8:
For this occasion, we met up with a Saffa that we were in school with and her Aussie Mates.
Of all the people that we run into over the years, some improve, some get worse, some get shorter but maintain the same weight, some get better looking and some, just remain dickheads.
Well. Nicola has not changed, she is still a laugh a minute and her infectious personality has everyone at ease and laughing in minutes.
The Quiz was held at a School Hall that was decked out with a round tables, dance floor, balloons, sound system, posters, bright lights… zonkie…
The Quiz master (straight outta “back to the future”) was an humorous chap that had a microphone and walked around selling clues to tables to help them win the final prize.
His method was to lean over the answer sheet at your table and read the answers and then announce into the microphone “NIIIICCE”. But “NIIIICCE” would come randomly. Like mid-sentence random.
I was sitting next to an Aussie (go figure!!) at our table that was getting slightly more irritated with this as the evening went on.
Quiz Master(QM) “ ok mates, what is the largest…….NIIICEEE…………landlocked……NIIIICEE……country….. no mate, the other one is wrong. Yes that one…..NIIICEE….. in the world….NIIIICE”
Steve* (not his real name) “Mate this mate is killing me” 
QM:“NIIIICE” “……..
Steve:.. I’m getting my sheep’s wool in a tangle”…
QM:“NIIIICE” 
Steve:“ ……..So Mate how do you know Nicola?”
Me(GIT) :“ We were in school together”
Steve: “ Really Mate?”  ….
QM:“NIICE” “……
Steve:….”All my Mates from school are either dead or in Jail…”
QM:“NICCCE” “ …
Steve: …”Mate this Quiz master is starting to work me up”
Me(GIT) :“ Shit Really”….. (thinking to myself I really should have worn the Nike takkies)………”I, erm, I, did you get that last question? “ slides to a safe distance in case he tries to shiv me with a plastic spoon.
Anyway the evening went on and on and we were eventually beaten by the table with the most Chinese people.
Shortly after that the QM gets on the Mic and says thanks for coming please remember to clean up after yourselves.
I’m thinking sure no problem I’ll put my empty beers back into the cooler box and close the lid, at a stretch I will push my chair back in.
What he actually intended was clean, tidy, put away EVERYTHING like this never happened.
It was like having a party at home when your parents are out for a weekend and you invite your chommies around, after the party is done you need to clean up like it never happened.
That’s what he actually meant.
The clean-up happened quickly, it was like the riot police were standing outside the door, 30 adrenaline pumped freaks dressed in battle gear ready to take down a group of 7 year old’s, people jumped and started to clean.
Within 5 minutes the hall was clean, I was left standing holding a beer looking at my cooler box wondering if it could handle my weight when the lights went off.
BOOM party over go home…………
What fun we had. The next day as we sat and pondered over the events we laughed and laughed at our first dress up quiz evening. 
So that’s how we do entertainment on the island. :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 01, 2019, 08:02:06 am
My fok...

School clothes don’t come my size. Thanks fark...

Ah well, I would have quized “Steve” a bit more. Seemed like a few interesting stories hidden there >:D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 01, 2019, 12:58:02 pm
My fok...

School clothes don’t come my size. Thanks fark...

Ah well, I would have quized “Steve” a bit more. Seemed like a few interesting stories hidden there >:D
My school school clothes didn’t fit any more either. Seems my back has gotten a lot bigger over the years.

I have spent a couple evenings with “Steve” since then. There are some proper stories there... all in good time, all in good time.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 03, 2019, 12:12:59 am
Even though its only been a few days since posting these updates. the actual time that had passed was closer to 6 months. The reality of the situation was starting to settle in and we were adjusting to our new life.

Some of the things that I diddent write about that are worth sharing are how your family dynamic changes.
After the excitement of arriving wore off, life has to continue. We / I had no friends and I struggle to make friends. (like really struggle) The loneliness sets in and shortly after that comes something close to depression. Somehow in all of this we became closer as a family. Having to rely in each other for company 24/7, sharing laughs and fears and possibly even more importantly learning how to get over a fight and forgive quickly.

The Aussies are friendly enough people, and they love to have a long chat, but these conversations never go anywhere. If I were to describe it, its like having a chat to someone in the line at the bank. Nobody wants to be there but you have no choice.
And for me the biggest and hardest adjustment is the time zone difference. Weirdly being 8 / 9 hours ahead sucks.

They say that if you can get through 18 months in a new country it gets easier. I don't know if it gets easier I think you just get used to it.
Been here 3 years now, still lonely, and its still hard, every day.... But at least my Boys will have a future and thats the important bit.

Still plenty stories to come. Some you will see the thread of sadness and some you will see how i try to pull myself out of it. hope you are enjoying the ramblings of a broken mind  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: TeeJay on September 03, 2019, 05:32:55 am
Full on enjoying the stories - and yes please do tell the good and the bad - in it's raw form - it's good to hear how things really are - not just the rosy parts.

Thanks for the effort this takes - I do appreciate it  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Oubones on September 03, 2019, 06:50:08 am
Thanks for sharing.
It is good to hear how it is from somebody there!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Willem-Ben on September 03, 2019, 07:53:55 am
Yes please, As real as possible please.

Thanks Bozo
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 03, 2019, 08:41:07 am
Some of the things that I diddent write about that are worth sharing are how your family dynamic changes.
After the excitement of arriving wore off, life has to continue. We / I had no friends and I struggle to make friends. (like really struggle) The loneliness sets in and shortly after that comes something close to depression. Somehow in all of this we became closer as a family. Having to rely in each other for company 24/7, sharing laughs and fears and possibly even more importantly learning how to get over a fight and forgive quickly.

That alone makes all this worthwhile in my humble opinion worth less than your 2c...

The Aussies are friendly enough people, and they love to have a long chat, but these conversations never go anywhere. If I were to describe it, its like having a chat to someone in the line at the bank. Nobody wants to be there but you have no choice.
And for me the biggest and hardest adjustment is the time zone difference. Weirdly being 8 / 9 hours ahead sucks.

I found that hard too as I used to love to communicate with the family.

They say that if you can get through 18 months in a new country it gets easier. I don't know if it gets easier I think you just get used to it.
Been here 3 years now, still lonely, and its still hard, every day.... But at least my Boys will have a future and thats the important bit.

Keep looking at it that way. My wife struggled the same but I'm easy that way. Will strike up an conversation with a lamp pole if I have to...

Still plenty stories to come. Some you will see the thread of sadness and some you will see how i try to pull myself out of it. hope you are enjoying the ramblings of a broken mind  :biggrin:

Dude, just remember why are are doing it and look at the current happenings here in SA - you have done the right thing. I wish I was a little more savvy - too old now...

Your sense of humour will get you through! :thumleft: :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sam on September 03, 2019, 11:05:03 am
Have no doubt in your mind. You made the correct choice.

Thanks for sharing though - very amusing!

my cousin lives over there now too. He schooled me in what a "Bogan" is after I commented on the general "class" of Aussie that I saw in Bali last year.......it's very apt description for them.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: immigrant on September 03, 2019, 11:48:39 am

They say that if you can get through 18 months in a new country it gets easier. I don't know if it gets easier I think you just get used to it.
Been here 3 years now, still lonely, and its still hard, every day.... But at least my Boys will have a future and thats the important bit.
Interesting that you mention that. I find that all my “friendships” here get to a certain point, and then it’s just....over. Usually at the 3 month mark. It just dies. (Maybe it just takes them 3 months to realize I am actually a twatwaffle!?)
Luckily I am good friends with my neighbour. Which is cool, because he is a good friend, and he lives next to me. But apart from him there is no-one where I could go have a beer after work. It’s all very shallow  superficial friendships. 
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sam on September 03, 2019, 01:50:17 pm

They say that if you can get through 18 months in a new country it gets easier. I don't know if it gets easier I think you just get used to it.
Been here 3 years now, still lonely, and its still hard, every day.... But at least my Boys will have a future and thats the important bit.
Interesting that you mention that. I find that all my “friendships” here get to a certain point, and then it’s just....over. Usually at the 3 month mark. It just dies. (Maybe it just takes them 3 months to realize I am actually a twatwaffle!?)
Luckily I am good friends with my neighbour. Which is cool, because he is a good friend, and he lives next to me. But apart from him there is no-one where I could go have a beer after work. It’s all very shallow  superficial friendships.

Lived in England for 3 years. Same problem. Other than housemates (shared house - big party) and the occasional work get-together, not much of a connection made at all. A situation that could be quite distressing to the social type of person.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on September 03, 2019, 06:05:33 pm
Bozo I enjoy your writing please keep it up. :thumleft:
In case I missed it what kind of work do you do?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 03, 2019, 09:31:59 pm
Thanks for all the replies. I will keep adding as I go.  :dark1:
Its easy to write about the good and thats the fun part. But one also needs to share the bad as that will give a real picture of life down under.
As I have insights I will add them. If you have any questions at all please add them here and I will answer them. (eventually)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 03, 2019, 09:39:17 pm
Bozo I enjoy your writing please keep it up. :thumleft:
In case I missed it what kind of work do you do?

Thanks!!. Well, What I'm employed to do and what I actually do are two different things. Which is actually one of the the things that I'm busy writing about. How about i give you a short answer now and a more elaborate story some time later this week?  ;)
I'm in IT, I work with Product Lifecycle Management, CAD and IOT software.
If you had to ask Wonder Woman and the Offspring what I do their standard answer is he is the IT jerk that does computer stuff.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 03, 2019, 09:59:50 pm
September 2016
I should be doing a rehearsal upgrade from (software name redacted  ;D )10.1 to 11.0 M010 on our system, but I got distracted as soon as it started copying the data and I saw that it going to take more than an hour. (it’s an ADHD thing)
I decided to rather spend my valuable time writing to you and telling you about the island, its inhabitants and our adventures in exploring and taming the great outback. :bueller:
News is scarce lately to be completely honest, we have started to settle into the doldrums of everyday life, which is vastly different from the doldrums of everyday life that we lived in good old SA.
The Kids have started club cricket and it seems to be going ok.
Trent has picked up a new saying that is starting to chip away at the very sanity of the common inhabitants in our household.
Every now and again he will stroll down the passage (not a very long passage) and say “Good on ya mate” adding variety by adding volume, accents and length.
Spiderpig cottoned onto this and has also tried to do the same thing but he has a “Pirates of the Caribbean” twist on it.
He sounds like an one armed Aussie swashbuckler holding a sword in his teeth begging for pap when he gives a good old “Good on ya maties”. :lol8:
Typically this would blow over in a matter of days, but I can’t help smiling to myself, as we all know that the Aussies are not very good sailors let alone pirates. *
*(I’m no history professor but if I were to string information together from logical findings I suppose I could deduce that fewer boats returned to England from Aussie… that would indicate they were not very good sailors.

In other news.
Wonder Woman and I have started exercising…… yes go back and read that line again. I had to use autocorrect to spell exercise.
I have concluded that the island is out to get me, I mean when we did the Otter trail in February I carried a backpack for a week up and down the 400000000 mountains, bordering on the great seascapes of the Indian Ocean with its majestic cliffs and rocky beaches (how’s that for a sales pitch), my body was strong and my mind was focused, I was Awesome……(actually I nearly died, it was 48km of sheer hell with a view of heaven)
Now, however, on the island, when we go for a run it all starts out ok. And by ok, I mean that my pep talks to myself have worked well, I’m mentally prepared for the physical exertion that I am about to put my body through.  ::)
I keep repeating my mantra to myself “If Bruce Fordyce can do it so can you, you go you good thing!!” and I hum “eye of the tiger” from Rocky.  :eek7:
It’s normally close to the chorus (the first one) things start to go wrong, after a good starting distance to work up a sweat (about 250m) I develop a burning sensation that starts in my calve / calf ??.
This obviously is not a wide spread pain as the total area that this pain has to cover is not really worth mentioning.
People with really small calves will understand what I’m getting at here.
Eventually after pushing through the pain and covering a reasonable distance (another 250m, give or take 150m) this roaming pain moves/jumps to my ass muscle.
If you were out for a stroll and were behind me you would not be blamed into thinking that I looked similar to a cat following a laser light on the path, trying to stand on the red dot. Its not pretty….
Meanwhile Wonder Woman takes all of this in her stride and casually picks up the pace, trying to increase the distance between us, while commenting something along the lines of “stop whining you don’t know pain till you’ve had baby’s ,kids, birth and growing pains”. 
Little does she, and woman in general, understand the pain that men endure quietly before it becomes something, we may need to voice out loud.
By now (another 300m further on) I’m thinking that Bruce Fordyce is insane, and I’m starting to understand why Sylvester Stallone was screaming “AADDRRIIAAANNENEEE” in the move.
We (Rocky and I) clearly had the same roaming pain (I think we are kindred spirits). After that is basically a lottery as to where this pain jumps to, I’ve had it everywhere and no amount of my rubbing can get rid of it.
As you all by now know, I consider myself to be a rare pedigree amongst the Rif-Raff and special attention is somewhat needed or dare I say necessary for my optimal performance in all things.
But like a dog with no voice I need to come up with a better plan to get this much needed attention. While sliding my ass on the footpath with my legs in the air has crossed my mind, I have decided that a more subtle approach is needed. I plan to get close to Wonder Woman and see if the roaming pain jumps onto her.  :deal:
Then when she complains about it I will be the better person (a.k.a the hero) and rub her wherever she wants me to….. then we will see what happens.  :biggrin:
The only problem is keeping up with her after the first 500m……. ( I will let you know how my plan works out) or I’m just going to slide my bum on the path!! And howl at the moon.

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on September 03, 2019, 10:27:03 pm
 :imaposer:  I heard you about this exercise thing....people are to fit over here in the pacific.... and tend want you to join in  :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 05, 2019, 12:02:43 am
Exercise is a killer. 20 years of being a desk jockey just ruins your eyesight and causes your guts to bulge over your belt. The other hidden gem is that, even though your mind is strong it forgets that your joints need a little extra TLC. After taking it slow for a long time I can feel my strength returning. Still cant to a pull-up, but I keep the beer on the floor so the is no need for that anyway. :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on September 05, 2019, 01:38:01 am
Exercise is a killer. 20 years of being a desk jockey just ruins your eyesight and causes your guts to bulge over your belt. The other hidden gem is that, even though your mind is strong it forgets that your joints need a little extra TLC. After taking it slow for a long time I can feel my strength returning. Still cant to a pull-up, but I keep the beer on the floor so the is no need for that anyway. :imaposer:

oi, just cause you moved to Aus doesnt mean you need to become a savage  :deal: Put the beer in the fridge!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 05, 2019, 04:26:20 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 05, 2019, 12:42:36 pm
And sometimes the all is right in the world. When people try to be difficult and karma comes right back. If I lived in Perth I would be there.

 https://amp.9news.com.au/article/bd27da47-565e-435a-a75c-a60d249c7110 (https://amp.9news.com.au/article/bd27da47-565e-435a-a75c-a60d249c7110)



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 05, 2019, 01:30:44 pm
:eek:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Antonie on September 05, 2019, 06:52:11 pm
And sometimes the all is right in the world. When people try to be difficult and karma comes right back. If I lived in Perth I would be there.

 https://amp.9news.com.au/article/bd27da47-565e-435a-a75c-a60d249c7110 (https://amp.9news.com.au/article/bd27da47-565e-435a-a75c-a60d249c7110)



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
:imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: fancy some feesh

Halfwit

Sent from my LG-H990 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on September 05, 2019, 09:36:43 pm
And sometimes the all is right in the world. When people try to be difficult and karma comes right back. If I lived in Perth I would be there.

 https://amp.9news.com.au/article/bd27da47-565e-435a-a75c-a60d249c7110 (https://amp.9news.com.au/article/bd27da47-565e-435a-a75c-a60d249c7110)



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

I'll hop the pond and we meet up in perth  :deal: I wouldn't mind joining the BBQ
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 06, 2019, 01:36:15 am
October/Novemeber 2016
It’s been some time since I’ve sat in a chair popped my knuckles like a bogan and unleashed my creative cat AKA “monster” on the keyboard..
Unlike Elton John’s fingers floating across the ebony and ivory creating melody’s that are timeless and iconic my news is short to the point and probably quite hard to understand.
So what’s been happening on the island.
Well not too much actually, we (I) are getting accustomed to paying in Aus$, petrol prices that go up and down every day. Accelerating as fast as possible to 60km/h and living the life of the South Africans in a strange land.
I still get news letters from South Africa and I have been watching the #feesmustfall saga with interest. My favourite is "the drop western science and re-evaluate it from an African perspective". That kak just makes me happy to be in Australia.  Yes here we may need to obey the law but at least we don’t have some poephol trying to argue a simple fact that:
1. Hydrogen is the first element on the periodic table.
2. It has an atomic number of 1.
3. It is highly flammable and
4. Is the most common element found in our universe.
Their Perspective would be… eish can’t see it so it can’t be true.
Ag ya whatever……. I just feel sad for the other 99.9999% of students that actually want to study.
I’m playing the stock market :imaposer: demo account only….. (will have to do write up on that as soon as I make any money) think I will call it GIT’s TIPS…
****** Lost all of my fake money with bitcoin*******  No write up**** hangs head in shame..

We went to a footy game.
Sounds boring until you know the history and the rules. I don’t profess to know either so this is my take on it.
Many years ago, before the telephone was invented and an ex-convict that could build boats arrived on the island. There were three Aussies that found an odd shaped coconut while out on a hunting party (aka looking for Shela’s). As they were walking back to their tree house they started to chat about the shape of this particular coconut and ended up sitting around for at least 2 weeks debating if the shape was indeed more circular than egg shaped. As time progressed the discussion grew more intense, and, passers-by would gather and sit around the environmentally friendly, world wildlife fund approved, non-religious, Australian Building Association endorsed, fireplace and listen with mounting interest to this debate.
While people were listening they started to form 3 Camps of Support, Camp 1 called themselves The Swans and they came from a small tropical place that has sun, beaches, palm trees, and even warm weather in the spring and summer called Sydney. Camp 2 called themselves the Bull Dogs and they came from a place where the clouds hang low, it rains consistently, and if the sun comes out the wind blows so hard that you don’t have to be very tall to pick your own coconut. This place is called Melbourne. You say it like this… MEL and Bourne. Like the Bourne identity….not broom, or like some tonsils out there that wear nike’ys and ride bike’ys.
Camp 3 comes from a place that no-one has ever heard of but, I think that’s because nobody likes anybody that comes from there….its called referee… they are the dingo in the dingo ate the baby story. If you don’t know that story then think of them as Renault owners.
Annnnnnnyyyyyyyywwaaaayyyyyyyy……………..
Camp 1 aka the Swans were of the opinion that this coconut was egg-shaped, and they called several witnesses forward to prove factually this was the case. They had their tallest players jump as high as possible into a eucalyptus tree to grab a resting Koala bears testacies and show that the shape was consistent with their standpoint.
Camp 2 aka the Bull Dogs were not familiar with Koala bears in their territory (as koala’s don’t like wet weather) so they got their tallest players and told them to jump has high as they could and grab the testacies of possum playing dead in the roof of their clubhouse to prove that the shape of an egg is actually more circular.
Possums being basically a protected rat in Australia have learned that you can pretty much do whatever you like and you will get a fleet of greenies (Greenpeace volunteers) to pamper you. Koala bears are so bored with eating eucalyptus leaves that they were happy for someone to yank on their balls.
Camp 3 didn’t really care about the shape of the ball but were keen to see what happened when the inevitable fight broke out. (Renault is also scarce here, not even the Aussies want to drive them)
 
By the end of the second week and numerous visits from the WWF(world wildlife Fund), ABA (Australian Building Association), MFFAVA (Melbourne firefighters and volunteers association) , PPGFTPO (People Giving Permits from The Post Office),and AGBLAOOTFLTABLO (Australian governing body looking after other organizations that feel like they are being left out) the required safe and approved clearing area for the discussion that needed to be quite large was approved. If you were to include the fire break as well, it was, to say the least, a daunting size. It measured approximately 50m from the centre in any direction… Any larger and they would have needed to fill in an additional request and submit it in triplicate to MGKASTIOFSOAUI (Melbourne Grounds Keeping Association Studying The Impact Of Flat Spaces On An Uninhabitable Island).
This singular event of bureaucracy and paperwork was when a peace loving, xxxx drinking, relatively relaxed nation broke custom and let loose on each other.
The 6 people from camp 3 split up and ran in different directions, not unlike spraying snot on a mirror when you sneeze. One of them took the odd shaped coconut from its mantle in the centre of the field and threw it as hard as he could on the floor hoping to break the coconut and put an end to the debate. This coconut did not break…. No no no dear readers, in fact it shot off the ABA approved floor and crashed into the leader of camp 3’s face mercilessly removing 2 teeth,  which he now keeps on a string around his neck and uses as a whistle. In his shrieks of agony the other two camps thought that if they owned the coconut for long enough and ran to the edge of the demarcated discussion area and launched it through one of the 4 poles, that indicate a safe exit area, their argument would be the winning one. Alas the coconut was slippery and difficult to hold so every 10m or so one of the camp members would drop it and pick it up. If a member was too slow he was duly beaten by members of the other camp. One of the members of the swans finally managed to get to within a kickable distance of the exit poles, he took an inordinately long run up and kicked it has hard as he could. It sailed through the air like Joel Stransky’s winning kick back in 95, only not as far and not as high.
This act of aggression, seemed to make one of the members from camp 3 was so angry, that he ran to the centre of the 4 poles and tried to shoot the swans camp member from the hip like Clint Eastwood in a cowboy movie, only he was using pointy fingers and making “pow pow” noises, not real guns like they would in South Africa at a soccer game. As a side note if he had known that shooting from the hip takes years of practice he would have aimed properly. When that had no effect he angrily grabbed two warning flags and waved them around like he was being stung by bees.
While all of this was happening another member from camp 3 on the other side of the field thought it was a signal from a ship bringing more xxxx and decided to copy him.
With the shooting and the flag waving finally done, a member of the MFFAVA on his way to perform an inspection and issue fines to someone, saw the coconut lying outside its allocated area and threw it back into the field. This basically restarted the entire process until the coconut broke.
 
That is called Aussie Football Rules.
Its all-inclusive and on the weekend of the final they have a public holiday. (these okes love this game here)
To be fair it’s a fantastic game to watch live. You get to see okes donnering each other randomly. Keeping your eye on 6 refs that serve no purpose except to blow the whistle every time someone catches the ball and wave flags at each other is also interesting.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Mr Zog on September 06, 2019, 02:33:48 am
October/Novemeber 2016
It’s been some time since I’ve sat in a chair popped my knuckles like a bogan and unleashed my creative cat AKA “monster” on the keyboard..
Unlike Elton John’s fingers floating across the ebony and ivory creating melody’s that are timeless and iconic my news is short to the point and probably quite hard to understand.
So what’s been happening on the island.
Well not too much actually, we (I) are getting accustomed to paying in Aus$, petrol prices that go up and down every day. Accelerating as fast as possible to 60km/h and living the life of the South Africans in a strange land.
I still get news letters from South Africa and I have been watching the #feesmustfall saga with interest. My favourite is "the drop western science and re-evaluate it from an African perspective". That kak just makes me happy to be in Australia.  Yes here we may need to obey the law but at least we don’t have some poephol trying to argue a simple fact that:
1. Hydrogen is the first element on the periodic table.
2. It has an atomic number of 1.
3. It is highly flammable and
4. Is the most common element found in our universe.
Their Perspective would be… eish can’t see it so it can’t be true.
Ag ya whatever……. I just feel sad for the other 99.9999% of students that actually want to study.
I’m playing the stock market :imaposer: demo account only….. (will have to do write up on that as soon as I make any money) think I will call it GIT’s TIPS…
****** Lost all of my fake money with bitcoin*******  No write up**** hangs head in shame..

We went to a footy game.
Sounds boring until you know the history and the rules. I don’t profess to know either so this is my take on it.
Many years ago, before the telephone was invented and an ex-convict that could build boats arrived on the island. There were three Aussies that found an odd shaped coconut while out on a hunting party (aka looking for Shela’s). As they were walking back to their tree house they started to chat about the shape of this particular coconut and ended up sitting around for at least 2 weeks debating if the shape was indeed more circular than egg shaped. As time progressed the discussion grew more intense, and, passers-by would gather and sit around the environmentally friendly, world wildlife fund approved, non-religious, Australian Building Association endorsed, fireplace and listen with mounting interest to this debate.
While people were listening they started to form 3 Camps of Support, Camp 1 called themselves The Swans and they came from a small tropical place that has sun, beaches, palm trees, and even warm weather in the spring and summer called Sydney. Camp 2 called themselves the Bull Dogs and they came from a place where the clouds hang low, it rains consistently, and if the sun comes out the wind blows so hard that you don’t have to be very tall to pick your own coconut. This place is called Melbourne. You say it like this… MEL and Bourne. Like the Bourne identity….not broom, or like some tonsils out there that wear nike’ys and ride bike’ys.
Camp 3 comes from a place that no-one has ever heard of but, I think that’s because nobody likes anybody that comes from there….its called referee… they are the dingo in the dingo ate the baby story. If you don’t know that story then think of them as Renault owners.
Annnnnnnyyyyyyyywwaaaayyyyyyyy……………..
Camp 1 aka the Swans were of the opinion that this coconut was egg-shaped, and they called several witnesses forward to prove factually this was the case. They had their tallest players jump as high as possible into a eucalyptus tree to grab a resting Koala bears testacies and show that the shape was consistent with their standpoint.
Camp 2 aka the Bull Dogs were not familiar with Koala bears in their territory (as koala’s don’t like wet weather) so they got their tallest players and told them to jump has high as they could and grab the testacies of possum playing dead in the roof of their clubhouse to prove that the shape of an egg is actually more circular.
Possums being basically a protected rat in Australia have learned that you can pretty much do whatever you like and you will get a fleet of greenies (Greenpeace volunteers) to pamper you. Koala bears are so bored with eating eucalyptus leaves that they were happy for someone to yank on their balls.
Camp 3 didn’t really care about the shape of the ball but were keen to see what happened when the inevitable fight broke out. (Renault is also scarce here, not even the Aussies want to drive them)
 
By the end of the second week and numerous visits from the WWF(world wildlife Fund), ABA (Australian Building Association), MFFAVA (Melbourne firefighters and volunteers association) , PPGFTPO (People Giving Permits from The Post Office),and AGBLAOOTFLTABLO (Australian governing body looking after other organizations that feel like they are being left out) the required safe and approved clearing area for the discussion that needed to be quite large was approved. If you were to include the fire break as well, it was, to say the least, a daunting size. It measured approximately 50m from the centre in any direction… Any larger and they would have needed to fill in an additional request and submit it in triplicate to MGKASTIOFSOAUI (Melbourne Grounds Keeping Association Studying The Impact Of Flat Spaces On An Uninhabitable Island).
This singular event of bureaucracy and paperwork was when a peace loving, xxxx drinking, relatively relaxed nation broke custom and let loose on each other.
The 6 people from camp 3 split up and ran in different directions, not unlike spraying snot on a mirror when you sneeze. One of them took the odd shaped coconut from its mantle in the centre of the field and threw it as hard as he could on the floor hoping to break the coconut and put an end to the debate. This coconut did not break…. No no no dear readers, in fact it shot off the ABA approved floor and crashed into the leader of camp 3’s face mercilessly removing 2 teeth,  which he now keeps on a string around his neck and uses as a whistle. In his shrieks of agony the other two camps thought that if they owned the coconut for long enough and ran to the edge of the demarcated discussion area and launched it through one of the 4 poles, that indicate a safe exit area, their argument would be the winning one. Alas the coconut was slippery and difficult to hold so every 10m or so one of the camp members would drop it and pick it up. If a member was too slow he was duly beaten by members of the other camp. One of the members of the swans finally managed to get to within a kickable distance of the exit poles, he took an inordinately long run up and kicked it has hard as he could. It sailed through the air like Joel Stransky’s winning kick back in 95, only not as far and not as high.
This act of aggression, seemed to make one of the members from camp 3 was so angry, that he ran to the centre of the 4 poles and tried to shoot the swans camp member from the hip like Clint Eastwood in a cowboy movie, only he was using pointy fingers and making “pow pow” noises, not real guns like they would in South Africa at a soccer game. As a side note if he had known that shooting from the hip takes years of practice he would have aimed properly. When that had no effect he angrily grabbed two warning flags and waved them around like he was being stung by bees.
While all of this was happening another member from camp 3 on the other side of the field thought it was a signal from a ship bringing more xxxx and decided to copy him.
With the shooting and the flag waving finally done, a member of the MFFAVA on his way to perform an inspection and issue fines to someone, saw the coconut lying outside its allocated area and threw it back into the field. This basically restarted the entire process until the coconut broke.
 
That is called Aussie Football Rules.
Its all-inclusive and on the weekend of the final they have a public holiday. (these okes love this game here)
To be fair it’s a fantastic game to watch live. You get to see okes donnering each other randomly. Keeping your eye on 6 refs that serve no purpose except to blow the whistle every time someone catches the ball and wave flags at each other is also interesting.

Ah, thanks mate! Now I also unnerstand how the game works. clear as mud  :imaposer: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Oubones on September 06, 2019, 05:45:29 am
Thanks, you have a way with words that makes me laugh! :thumleft:
Enjoying your stories.
Keep it up.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: mox on September 06, 2019, 07:20:06 am
Thanks for sharing  :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 06, 2019, 08:53:38 am
Farking hilarious! I'm loving this even more...

Apt description of that weird game controlled by bath plugs... :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 07, 2019, 02:09:54 am
I'm crossing the ditch this week to visit the land of the long white cloud.  :peepwall:
Its going to be interesting as I will be stationed at the UOA doing a hackathon with a group of students.
Unfortunately no time for site seeing or socializing. ( Not that I do that anyway)  ;D
If something interesting happens or I have a WTF moment i will be sure to spend some quality time doing a write to share here.
I have a second explanation of the footy and I think I even share some real facts about how much money the MGC makes.
I will see if i can dig it up and put it here.

In case you were wondering.... Wonder Woman, Trenticles and Spiderpig were so torn up about me leaving this morning that I was lucky I said goodbye last night.
I'm sure that they will realize I'm not there at meal times as I do 90% of the cooking at home.. Now I will spend the week watching the Uber Eats account grow like unwanted weeds in the driveway.
 O0
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 07, 2019, 07:07:17 am
Heh heh...Trenticles ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on September 08, 2019, 02:28:18 am
I'm crossing the ditch this week to visit the land of the long white cloud.  :peepwall:
Its going to be interesting as I will be stationed at the UOA doing a hackathon with a group of students.
Unfortunately no time for site seeing or socializing. ( Not that I do that anyway)  ;D
If something interesting happens or I have a WTF moment i will be sure to spend some quality time doing a write to share here.
I have a second explanation of the footy and I think I even share some real facts about how much money the MGC makes.
I will see if i can dig it up and put it here.

In case you were wondering.... Wonder Woman, Trenticles and Spiderpig were so torn up about me leaving this morning that I was lucky I said goodbye last night.
I'm sure that they will realize I'm not there at meal times as I do 90% of the cooking at home.. Now I will spend the week watching the Uber Eats account grow like unwanted weeds in the driveway.
 O0

And that's one thing that's kak Expensive over here, assume it's the same in aus? Take out delivery or take away as known in sa. Here your meal can be $30 with delivery in excess of $20, with cheaper food, like KFC, delivery fees can be more expensive then the actually food, and no... Free delivery doesn't exist.

That's one thing we do miss, paying R20 for a R150 or R200 order  :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 08, 2019, 05:52:58 am
Yea it’s actually not to expensive for delivery costs. Especially when you look at what they order. The favourites at the moment are “HSP’s” so the meals is about $30-40 and delivery will be about $5-7.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on September 08, 2019, 09:03:06 pm
Yea it’s actually not to expensive for delivery costs. Especially when you look at what they order. The favourites at the moment are “HSP’s” so the meals is about $30-40 and delivery will be about $5-7.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

 :xxbah: Lucky bastard! Delivery in NZ is expensive.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 10, 2019, 12:51:14 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4:
While visiting the land of the long white cloud my boss decided that we should go out for dinner.
Having not been out for dinner in a while,(an EXPENSIVE Activity) I was ready to eat just about anything. Well except for fish, food is supposed to be enjoyed, not played with picking out bones that will get stuck in your throat and kill you. Anything else better watch out, with enough spices I could make dry dogs turds taste like oxtail.
My opinion was, if you are paying, I'm eating! Normally when I travel alone I try to keep the bills as low as possible as there tends to be a hidden list of what they will pay for and what they won’t. It’s a secret list which I have not seen yet. So in true African style, not knowing when this opportunity will come round again I was keen.
A short walk from our hotel we found a restaurant called Mexico Britomart, ahhhhh Mexican food. Tequila!! And the vibe was awesome!!  8)
We decided that this would be our destination for the evening.
Finding it hard to choose which flavour I weighed up my choices and went with 3 out of the 5 taco's  beef, chicken and pork. extra chillies.
Serves me right!
Because today, its don’t wipe just dab........ >:D
Just love the decor!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 11, 2019, 01:36:51 am
Its that time of the year.  >:(
Anybody that owns a car in Victoria knows this time.
Its not like Christmas or Easter, and it not like SpringDay. These arrive on different days for everyone. And If you happen to have more than one veee-hhhh-ache-hill you get to have this more than once.
Its called Rego day. I got mine in the email this morning.
Opening your wallet to pay this beast causes enough mental and physical distress to tighten your sphincter so tight that even Archimedes who said
“Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.”
wouldn't be able to release that tension.
It doesn't really matter what currency you convert this into its expensive. :o :o :o
If you don't pay it...boom your car is on the road illegally and if they catch you, (and they will) its a fine and you cant drive your car any further...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on September 11, 2019, 01:53:48 am
Its that time of the year.  >:(
Anybody that owns a car in Victoria knows this time.
Its not like Christmas or Easter, and it not like SpringDay. These arrive on different days for everyone. And If you happen to have more than one veee-hhhh-ache-hill you get to have this more than once.
Its called Rego day. I got mine in the email this morning.
Opening your wallet to pay this beast causes enough mental and physical distress to tighten your sphincter so tight that even Archimedes who said
“Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.”
wouldn't be able to release that tension.
It doesn't really matter what currency you convert this into its expensive. :o :o :o
If you don't pay it...boom your car is on the road illegally and if they catch you, (and they will) its a fine and you cant drive your car any further...

 :eek7: I take back you lucky for delivery of foods....I rather have NZ rego

columns are 3,6 and 12months respectively

but for bikes, times it by 4 atleast as bike rego here is kak expensive
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: IanTheTooth on September 11, 2019, 03:06:58 am
Yes, they took $491 out of my pocket for a bike in QLD of which $160 is the obligatory insurance. It is quite a bit cheaper to rego it for solo use only and as BOZO says, if you decide to not bother and use it on the farm for a couple of years you still have to pay $40 for a COR before they will re-register it to use locally on the roads so most of the kids here have unlicensed bikes and vanish into the bush when the police arrive. My son got a police car stuck in a cane field chasing a kid on a TTR230 which he said was a lot quicker than he expected. Told him he should have left well alone. The car rego is much worse and is the reason why Australians don't have a few cars to choose from in the garage like we did in RSA. There is a special rate for collectors and vintage cars but there are restrictions about using them too often, like driving to work 5 days a week.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 11, 2019, 04:49:00 am
Nothing like taking in the tail pipe....  :o :o
We have 2 cars and 1 bike. They all fall inline Aug, Sept,Oct.
The bike is no cheaper.  :'( AND the coppers here are RUTHLESS.
Give an Aussie a ticket book and they will bitterly / literally write you up for breathing.... takes "keeping an eye on things" to a whole new level.. :ricky:

.
Title: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: immigrant on September 11, 2019, 06:59:26 am
You guys are amateurs when it comes to insurance.....

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190911/1bb8b2c87af07b3c38bb4ffade2cf549.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190911/61e3d27b2883b2c4f8bc869f29add0c3.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190911/138b2a234f9c9efab716d4b87f076396.jpg)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: mox on September 11, 2019, 07:33:22 am
Nee fok, I would walk.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sylvester on September 11, 2019, 08:03:37 am
You guys are amateurs when it comes to insurance.....



So, insurance on a 800cc Yamaha motorcycle is $2391 p.a. and more than on a 2016 GMC Crewcab 4 x 4.???

Within 4 years you could replace the bike just on the money you spent on insurance. 
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Offshore on September 11, 2019, 08:41:36 am
Nothing like taking in the tail pipe....  :o :o
We have 2 cars and 1 bike. They all fall inline Aug, Sept,Oct.
The bike is no cheaper.  :'( AND the coppers here are RUTHLESS.
Give an Aussie a ticket book and they will bitterly / literally write you up for breathing.... takes "keeping an eye on things" to a whole new level.. :ricky:

.
Pre 95 the White Spietkops in SA were the same, I remember one frothing at the Mouth and trembling uncontrollable while writing a Ticket because my reverse Light was not working. ::)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sylvester on September 11, 2019, 09:13:33 am
Nothing like taking in the tail pipe....  :o :o
We have 2 cars and 1 bike. They all fall inline Aug, Sept,Oct.
The bike is no cheaper.  :'( AND the coppers here are RUTHLESS.
Give an Aussie a ticket book and they will bitterly / literally write you up for breathing.... takes "keeping an eye on things" to a whole new level.. :ricky:

.

Ruthless towards the people wanting to obey the law.

When it comes to breaking up a Sudanese teenage racket, you will find the coppers pretty useless.


Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Tman21 on September 11, 2019, 09:41:05 am
Nothing like taking in the tail pipe....  :o :o
We have 2 cars and 1 bike. They all fall inline Aug, Sept,Oct.
The bike is no cheaper.  :'( AND the coppers here are RUTHLESS.
Give an Aussie a ticket book and they will bitterly / literally write you up for breathing.... takes "keeping an eye on things" to a whole new level.. :ricky:

.

Ruthless towards the people wanting to obey the law.

When it comes to breaking up a Sudanese teenage racket, you will find the coppers pretty useless.

Look, ill admire any sort of efficiency at this point and time. :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 11, 2019, 10:02:55 am
Look, ill admire any sort of efficiency at this point and time. :deal:

I'm with you... :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sardine on September 11, 2019, 10:42:36 am
I am so glad I started reading this.
Your writing style is fantastic and has me laughing out loud!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: immigrant on September 11, 2019, 02:31:13 pm
You guys are amateurs when it comes to insurance.....



So, insurance on a 800cc Yamaha motorcycle is $2391 p.a. and more than on a 2016 GMC Crewcab 4 x 4.???

Within 4 years you could replace the bike just on the money you spent on insurance.

I forgot to mention there is still a deductible when you claim and I have no choice when it comes to insurance. There is only provincial government insurance. If you want to ride/drive you have to pay the above prices. BUT we can get insurance for only a week at a time and we can buy and cancel online. So if I see it is going to rain next week, I can cancel my bike insurance till the weather improves, and in the winter I cancel my bike insurance altogether (but maintain fire and theft) Realistically my bikes are probably only insured for 3 months a year so they get  very little in premiums but have a potential big payout in case of an accident since that insurance covers lifetime medical expenses, loss of income , home renovations like wheelchair ramps etc. They calculate bike insurance on risk of injury, not necessarily on value of the bike itself
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 11, 2019, 02:39:37 pm
I forgot to mention there is still a deductible when you claim and I have no choice when it comes to insurance. There is only provincial government insurance. If you want to ride/drive you have to pay the above prices. BUT we can get insurance for only a week at a time and we can buy and cancel online. So if I see it is going to rain next week, I can cancel my bike insurance till the weather improves, and in the winter I cancel my bike insurance altogether (but maintain fire and theft) Realistically my bikes are probably only insured for 3 months a year so they get  very little in premiums but have a potential big payout in case of an accident since that insurance covers lifetime medical expenses, loss of income , home renovations like wheelchair ramps etc. They calculate bike insurance on risk of injury, not necessarily on value of the bike itself

Ah, the fun of living in the first world. It just works.

Here you get a payout of your vehicle's trade in if a St Bernard used it as a chew toy...if that. And if your car was stolen, but the tyres were a little run down, well, you get nothing. Farkers... :lamer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Ri on September 11, 2019, 07:40:58 pm
I forgot to mention there is still a deductible when you claim and I have no choice when it comes to insurance. There is only provincial government insurance. If you want to ride/drive you have to pay the above prices. BUT we can get insurance for only a week at a time and we can buy and cancel online. So if I see it is going to rain next week, I can cancel my bike insurance till the weather improves, and in the winter I cancel my bike insurance altogether (but maintain fire and theft) Realistically my bikes are probably only insured for 3 months a year so they get  very little in premiums but have a potential big payout in case of an accident since that insurance covers lifetime medical expenses, loss of income , home renovations like wheelchair ramps etc. They calculate bike insurance on risk of injury, not necessarily on value of the bike itself

Ah, the fun of living in the first world. It just works.

Here you get a payout of your vehicle's trade in if a St Bernard used it as a chew toy...if that. And if your car was stolen, but the tyres were a little run down, well, you get nothing. Farkers... :lamer:

Really? My car was written off with 100,000 km and the insurer paid out slightly more than book value.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on September 11, 2019, 09:48:31 pm
You guys are amateurs when it comes to insurance.....



So, insurance on a 800cc Yamaha motorcycle is $2391 p.a. and more than on a 2016 GMC Crewcab 4 x 4.???

Within 4 years you could replace the bike just on the money you spent on insurance.

Yip, same in NZ and I believe the same in Aus but @BOZO can confirm

The reasom being the risk of medical expenses and support services to scrape you of the tarmac is much higher then with a car. So here the goverment says why must the rest pay for it? So the bike license and insurance is higher due to the higher risk.

 :imaposer: ok ok @immigrant you win
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Sylvester on September 12, 2019, 03:00:45 am
Nothing like taking in the tail pipe....  :o :o
We have 2 cars and 1 bike. They all fall inline Aug, Sept,Oct.
The bike is no cheaper.  :'( AND the coppers here are RUTHLESS.
Give an Aussie a ticket book and they will bitterly / literally write you up for breathing.... takes "keeping an eye on things" to a whole new level.. :ricky:

.

Ruthless towards the people wanting to obey the law.

When it comes to breaking up a Sudanese teenage racket, you will find the coppers pretty useless.

Look, ill admire any sort of efficiency at this point and time. :deal:

I am with you on that one mate.

My point is - sometimes the strengths of the first world can also be it's weakness. Too many human and individual rights rendering the authorities powerless.

I remember a story in the news about a year ago - a party one night in a rental property in Melbourne that became ugly and violent with furniture flying through the windows and walls and doors getting bashed in, etc.

The landlord and coppers were standing on the pavement watching it all but unable to move in and stop it because of tenant rights, etc.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on September 13, 2019, 09:55:48 am
When it comes to breaking up a Sudanese teenage racket, you will find the coppers pretty useless.

Do they cause any problems?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 14, 2019, 01:16:53 am

Pre 95 the White Spietkops in SA were the same, I remember one frothing at the Mouth and trembling uncontrollable while writing a Ticket because my reverse Light was not working. ::)

Yep, But they also had a sense of humor. About that time was was on my bike on my way someplace. I was pulled over for not coming to a complete stop.
When I handed over my green ID book with my license in he looked at my picture and just started laughing at me, he called over his chommie and the two of then had a good giggle.
After about 5 minutes they let me go with the following comment.... (in Afrikaans,) "Thanks for making my day. Dont do it again. And this is illegal by the way."

I had cut out he face of Jim Carey from Ace Venture and sticky taped it over my face in my id-book. (its the small things in life that make me laugh) :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 14, 2019, 01:26:27 am

Yip, same in NZ and I believe the same in Aus but @BOZO can confirm

The reasom being the risk of medical expenses and support services to scrape you of the tarmac is much higher then with a car. So here the goverment says why must the rest pay for it? So the bike license and insurance is higher due to the higher risk.

 :imaposer: ok ok @immigrant you win

Not here in Victoria from what i have seen. I have a Tenere 660 and when i was looking around for Insurance the cheapest was from Yahama, they cam in at about $500 a year, The cars are about $1000. and we don't have the luxury of monthly / weekly insurance. The problem with that is alot of Aussies dont have insurance after their cars are paid.

BUT This may not be the case in the other states in Aus....

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 14, 2019, 01:31:34 am
When it comes to breaking up a Sudanese teenage racket, you will find the coppers pretty useless.

Do they cause any problems?

Yep, they do, but there is a method to how the police fix this. They will go over the footage and 2 to 3 weeks later there will be some page 3 news article of how the instigators have been arrested.
All they need to do now is deport them back to their own countries.
You may agree or disagree, but why should the tax paying people pay for them to languish in jail here for 5 years.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 14, 2019, 01:56:33 am
It’s been a while since you have received news from the island, I must apologize for my tardiness and general lack of communication.
A lot has happened since we (me, myself and I) have communicated with you.
We have had a public holiday for a horse race.
There was one day when the sun came out in Melbourne and the mercury hit a high of 30 Degrees.
Wonder Woman went to watch tough mudder and tried to convince me to do it next year
We found another South Africa shop
The Bokke have successfully delivered a crushing blow to every supporter on the globe. After loosing to the silver ferns 57-15
The South African Cricket Team has handed the Aussies their proverbial asses to them.
I looked like a tool at Aldis when we went shopping.
I have been here for 6 months already and it’s my 12th letter and 6 is ½ of 12 which is the same amount of months in a year, and the average temperature in Melbourne
There you have it. BOOM. That’s the short version and you can consider yourself all caught up and go back to work.
If you want the longer version then by all means please read on.    :deal: :lamer:
So In Victoria (that’s like Gauteng) on the Island they have a horse race every year called the Melbourne (that’s like Pretoria) cup. But because the locals here love a day off they found the tallest animal around and decided to make it run in a circle. I think they tried with the kangaroos first but apparently when sitting in the pouch the Jockeys looked like a tiny penis sticking out and it hurt the kangaroos feelings. The RSPCA got involved and after 3 years it was voted that although the kangaroos do have feelings, it was the fact that they are too lazy to care that got them voted off the list. 
The Melbourne cup is Large ,they call it the race that stops the nation, it runs on the first Tuesday of November , that way is always a public holiday. Everyone places bets and has some sort of party. Last year the tab’s (it like a betting business) did a turnover of $80 million.
Anyway November 1 rocks up and it’s a public holiday, we are all excited to watch these “walking glue factories” go round a long green track as fast as possible. Some of the Jockeys were even wearing water wings in case they fell off the tall dogs. Not to be mistaken with tall horse which is a good wine or a giraffe.
As race time approaches, I’m pumped, I can feel the electricity in the air I imagine that I’m there at the race. I have been looking for horse a called “my-face” so I can place a bet for wonder woman and stand next to her when the race is on. Just so I can record her shouting “COME ON MYFACE”. Unfortunately the only interesting tall dog was called “who killed the barman” ,the Jockey is 13cm taller than a two year old and looks like he never left the kangaroos pouch. The race starts with a bang and the horse are off…… 4 minutes later and some tall dog crosses the line ahead of the others and the race is over. What a crock of shit. But I enjoyed the holiday anyway thanks Australia. Fast forward a couple of days and I heard that the commentator that has been calling the race for the last 38 years is going to retire and they are looking for a new “World class” race caller.
This got me to thinking that there is no time like the present for a career change. I was sure I was in with a chance, but reality struck a cruel blow, when I thought about my credentials and what I could put in my CV.
From a public speaking point of view there is no problem there. A merit award for acting in 1993 is a step in the door. A slight stutter when having to speak quickly starts to close the door with me on the wrong side and the final nail in the coffin is my inability to remember the name of anything that’s not a friend or a motorbike.
I can see the reply now.

Dear Sir,
After due consideration of your rather weakly worded and uninspiring application we have decided to decline your application, however, as Australia is an all-inclusive and participative nation and we love to look like we are trying to help, we suggest that you do the following.
The is a Terrapin racing tournament happening on the gold coast in two weeks the big contenders are Flappy, Snappy and Crusty. We believe that the 1.2m blow-up pool will fall within your current eyesight limitations as well and the uncomplicated names of the contestants. However the speed of the contestants may be a challenge but if you stick to it we are sure you will succeed.
In closing please never apply for this post again.
Yours,
Kangaroo jack   :deal:


Sometime after the Race the sun came out and the mercury shot straight past the 22 deg marker all the way up to the 30 deg.
The Aussies were like poms out there. They chuck a sickie (“Sickie : day off sick from work (chuck a sickie = take the day off sick from work when you're perfectly healthy!)”) and rush down to the beach.
It was foken NAG, well actually, it wasn’t NAG at all, it was DAG out there, people were jumping in to subzero water, they were all tjuning each other “flip flap flop” or something. Which means put sun cream on. 
The Okes were loving it. All-of-a-sardine the wind picks up and the clouds come in strong and fast like Mother Russia. “No Worries Mate” this is Melbourne, the locals head off home in 20 minutes the sun will be back and there will be open parking again.
Well mother nature had different plans this time, the pollen count was so high that people were dying from hay-fever ok well it was only 3 but still. I quote: “There were 2,000 calls to triple-0 for ambulances between 6:00pm and 11:00pm — nearly seven times more than usual.”
"In the 15 minutes from 7:00pm when we would expect about 30 triple-0 calls for ambulance there were 200 calls — that's a call every 4.5 seconds”
LOL have you ever!! because going for a ride in an ambulance is free and so are doctor visits if you shit your pants you can call triple-0. ------- only if you are a citizen…. Us immigrants just look at a doctor and you are in for $80. Nevermind the ambulance ride. I had to help Trenticles understand that every time he stubbs his toe we don’t need to see a doc or go for physio, just because his mates get it for free doesn’t mean we do. Also, man-up!! we are South Africans. We have survived through it all. Locking doors at night, having an alarm system at home, burglar bars on windows, buying a car with air-con cause you can’t open the window.
Flippit these okes here are babies.
Wonder woman went off to a race called tough mudder to watch our chommie take on 21km of mud, kak and tree houses. Its similar to the warrior races in SA but there are aussies and nobody speaks Afrikaans. She comes back as says to me. Ooooooh that looks like fun I think we should do it next year…….REALLY? The last time something “looked like fun” I had to carry a frikken house on my back for 5 days up and down a mountain 500 times a day, my balls chaffed and I ate out of a tin!!! Clearly my definition of fun is different from wonder woman’s. I did nip it in the bud and said no straight off but I have a feeling that next year this time you will be reading a long soliloquy of how I got mud and shit in my crack and how my but cheeks have been rubbed raw.   >:D

One advantage of living in this time zone is not having to watch the springboks live, my humble internet connection and streaming sport channel’s do little justice to the shocking state of springbok rugby.
It easier to wake up on a Sunday morning and scroll through whatsapp and facebook to get a general feel for the match. All I can say is don’t waste money buying a supports jersey!!!
On the other hand Darren the Cricketers are smashing the Aussies, you wouldn’t think that anybody watches cricket when you walk in to my office, well that was until FAF put some spit on the ball.
Now apparently everybody does and the only reason the Aussies are losing is because the South Africans are cheats and Hansie’s legacy still has a grip on South African cricket and yada yada yada….. If I was FAF I would have given that channel nine reporter a PK at the airport. While he was down on the floor looking for his mic I wouda taken the offending lolly and stuck it in his hair…… actually, I would never have done that, but hey how boring would this story be then……

Ok one last update before I sign off.  ::)

So you will remember when I told you the story about “aldis” and Trenticles having to pack the Trolley for the first time. How I laughed and laughed at him.

Well wonder woman and I trundle off to Aldi’s to do the shop to feed the eating machine. All good, it now time to pack the stuff on the counter, pack and pay. Standard stuff. The Tills here are different, almost opposite of what you get in South Africa, they have a long conveyer belt where you put your groceries, and then a small area where the teller sits and a tiny area where you have to pack your shit back into the trolley as fast as possible.
The conveyer belt is so long it can hold about 3 trolleys worth of food. So what you do is pack your stuff on the conveyer belt and then get a little plastic thingy and divide your stuff from the people in front and behind.
For the last six months this how it works and I have had this love hate relationship with the teller’s because they wait for me to pack the stuff on the belt and they jerk the motor on the conveyer to make all the shit fall over. And they all do it!!! 
It’s like when you go for induction training at Aldis’ there is some bitter old cricket player that teaches the tellers how to piss off customers.  But we are a team and wonder woman doesn’t like it when I give the tellers my “come on test me” look. As you can imagine this must be quite a sight. A squinty-eyed, pig faced, bleskop fat man, trying to read the small print on a flavoured condom box, but trying to look cool is not really going to scare anybody let alone some teller.
We are standing in the queue waiting our turn to pack onto the conveyer belt when some Aussie choones that they are going to open another till so we don’t get tired of standing in line. Shweeeeet I recon to the musses and we start unpacking on the conveyer belt. When we have about half of the trolley unpacked the conveyer jerks into action and I’m about to give my best “come on test me” look to the teller………
I look up and there is nobody there…….
Ooooohhh boy… here’s kak I think to myself.
If this conveyer doesn’t stop quickly all this stuff is gonna go straight past the empty teller seat and moer off the end…..and still the belt is moving, at high speed by the way.
Being the man of action that I am, I stick my arm out to hold all the food back on the conveyer belt…… now just take a minute and think about what I looked like. 40 years old, balding, grumpy, fat man holding back a trolley load of food on a conveyer belt with a quickly developing look of panic, searching in desperation for someone to turn off the belt……
Jussus man the wine was in front, imagine that had broken……
One of the shoppers in the line behind us waits till his kak is pushing against ours aswell and says……
”It’s an auto stop mate, there is a sensor at the end of the belt”…..
Wonder woman is all of a sudden very interested in the small print on the display items, I’m left alone, a beautiful red light bulb on a string, a lonely wolf howling at the moon.
 At least wonder woman didn’t laugh directly in my face, she waited until we were in the car…..!!! :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Ri on September 14, 2019, 09:53:52 am
Where is the crying-with-laughter emoji when you need it ... :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 17, 2019, 12:28:21 pm
Ahhh man..... it’s only Tuesday.........come on weekend.. we are having great weather until. Friday and then is going to be shitty again.. that’s ok though. I spent some time today pondering over it...


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 17, 2019, 12:30:49 pm
Summer is approaching like a chameleon on a dance floor, which means that we will possibly be able to wear shorts and tee shirts again. Long hot days, ice cold beers, cricket, solo bike trips and braai's are invigorating for the soul. Trust me when I say that “this year”, I will be taking full advantage of that big old yellow ball in the sky.
 
My first thoughts, after beer, bikes and boobs, are with my see-through wife and kids.
They will have to apply liberal amounts of suntan lotion using the Aussie mantra "Slip, Slop, Slap". Living with three glowing red radioactive Muppets pouting around the house because they crossed the street unprotected is not fun.
Ok so maybe I'm being a bit harsh. I do however feel that I am better prepared this year. We have been collecting other people’s stuff, and the way I see it is, it’s not hard rubbish if it never made it to the pavement.
In an effort to protect wonder woman, who, on a cloudy day burns like a forgotten minute steak on an open fire. We have umbrellas, straw hats and a slave waving a palm leaf in the background ready and waiting for her.
Spiderpig has fully evolved into a full blown teenager, basically he burrows away in a darkened room plays PlayStation only emerging like a sloth to eat and shit. I recon if this unhealthy trend continues, he should be the completely vitamin D deficient by this time next year. As a parent (obviously not a very good one) I know I should put a stop to this lifestyle but my geeky science side has kicked in and I'm morbidly fascinated to see the long term effects of extreme sloth-dom-ness. Also, I'm tired of fighting with a hairy slinky that apparently knows everything. (as a side note, his teacher made him join the school debate team.....Do we have the next parliament member in our ranks? God, I hope not!!)
Trenticles does pretty well protecting himself from the sun, but he does have a girlfriend that lathers him up so much he looks like competitor in an oil wrestling match, but it’s for only for men, wow that’s a nasty thought.....(delete from memory banks). In quest to have the perfect mullet, he did do an inspection of the top of my head the other day and asked if wearing a hat all the time would do what it’s done to my hair (or lack thereof?) A little old lady, one hand in a plastic bag tethered to her shitting dog, was almost taken out by a laughing Wonder woman who was driving at the time. Lucky for me my vanity died long ago with my ambition and my testosterone production, I really don’t care if I look like a turtle in a half shell. I’m just glad he wears a hat! Although I can’t understand why the youth of today refuse to take the stickers off them. I mean you don’t go to woollies and buy a tee- shirt and leave the xxxl sticker on it do you? Kind if fits into the same bracket of people that say Nikey instead of Nike. You know who you are. Thank the pope my name is not Mike......
There is really no other news to tell you about what’s happening here only that this helps me feel connected to you in some weird cosmic fluffy bunny way.
Alas as Oscar Wilde pontificated "Work is the curse of the drinking class", I must return to mine.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: roxenz on September 17, 2019, 01:49:28 pm
Sounding more and more like a philosopher there, BOZO. Has a certain ring to it: Philosophy of BOZO...   :biggrin:  Perhaps a book? Or a syndicated little column in the Melbourne News?

Thanks for the laughs - much better than all the political crap!   :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Buff on September 17, 2019, 02:02:08 pm

As race time approaches, I’m pumped, I can feel the electricity in the air I imagine that I’m there at the race. I have been looking for horse a called “my-face” so I can place a bet for wonder woman and stand next to her when the race is on. Just so I can record her shouting “COME ON MYFACE”.

I'm dead  :laughing4: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on September 17, 2019, 02:05:51 pm
 I have been looking for horse a called “my-face” so I can place a bet for wonder woman and stand next to her when the race is on. Just so I can record her shouting “COME ON MYFACE”.

 :laughing4: :lol8: :lol8: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Offshore on September 17, 2019, 07:39:42 pm
Bozo, you are our loss and the Aussies Trophy.  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 19, 2019, 06:20:56 am
This next part was written at the end of 2016.
We had been on the island for about seven months. I was SERIOUSLY home sick. I was missing my friends and family.

Its come to the end of 2016 and I thought it would be a good idea to summarize up what’s happened over the last 365 days.
I’ve never done this before so please excuse me if I miss out some bits and pieces.

But first it’s time for a quick story. “PATIENCE YOU MUST HAVE my young padawan”

Amazingly the sun eventually came out and we went for a swim in the bay where the locals hangout. It’s all very civilized, no one wants to sit on your lap, nobody is having a conversation at 100000 db with the person sitting next to them. In fact it’s so civilized that you can even watch the 20 somethings almost pomping in their tents.
Trenticles obviously didn’t believe me when I told him, so he went for a walk to check it out. True as nuts, pun intended, :deal:  there’s two young ones leaning on the edge of 3rd base. Obviously, I don’t endorse this kind of behavior as it sets bad example to my offspring, that have very young and impressionable minds.
I did spend some time trying to check what was happening, purely for research purposes.  :drif:
Besides If I’m going to be impressing anything into their minds it will be about keeping a souf efrikan aaakkkcent.
AG Ja, We had a lekker day on the beach where we saw a few blokes strutting their stuff wearing budgie smugglers (speedo), sunnies and casually necking a bottle.
The wife even went in to the water…………… I know……. Have you ever???
While I was sitting quietly holding a stubbie, and watching the *brickies, sparkies, truckies, chippies, and posties enjoying themselves I started to wonder about a few things.

One of them being parrots.
It seems to me there is a rite of passage in South Africa that when you get to certain age or mental state or you are just really bored with life you say to yourself. I want a pet.
Not just any pet, I want a pet that lives for 50 years, shits in a cage, needs constant attention, fucks up anything it can put in its mouth / beak and copy’s everything I say.
Oh and to top it off, after all of that I also want it to be expensive. REALLY Expensive.
Great now that you have ticked all the boxes go to your local pet shop, fork out a small mound of cash and buy a parrot.
A real life parrot. Then spend the next 50 years cleaning up after said bird, constantly walking past it saying “who’s a pretty bird then?”.......
ohhhh I bet you, if that bird knew how to answer you, it wouldn’t say “who’s a pretty bird?”……
aaaannnnnyyywwwwaaayyyyy I digress with my digression. .
Here on the island we have parrots here too. Lots of them. White ones with pink heads, they look like they’ve been caught unawares in a orgy with flamingos and got the short end of the stick at the wrong moment.  (picture1)
We have green ones, and then there are even grey ones.
But you need to understand one thing here, these birds don’t take no kak.   8)
They are mean seed eating, pip shitting screaming machines. (picture 2)
They are so bad the that doves have grown Mohawks to look meaner. (picture 3) :o

So as one does when one has nothing to do, I was wondering if anybody out there knows how to get some more interesting birds to Australia…
As you can imagine I didn’t spend too much time thinking about parrots, especially when it looked like the young couple had eventually reached 3rd base, it looked like we were in for a full on beach party when somebody’s moral compass kicked in and they decided to go for a swim.
The oke looked Da-Bliksem-in by the way.

So I went back to Parrots and cracked open another stubby.

Have you ever wondered what a parrot in wild sounds like.??

One would think that a “pretty boy”, with enough plumage to look like a royal guard outside Buckingham Palace would be able to sing like James Blunt.
If you close your eyes and imagine carefully the notes would elude to some soft wanting tune that pulls at the heart strings and seduces young virgins into nights of wild abandon…..
I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this is definitely NOT what a parrot sounds like.
This pea brained pip shitter, sounds like Trenticles the next morning after the first time he ate a box of 24 Chicken Licken hotwings on his own like a porker. (http://www.chickenlicken.co.za)
Or the scene from dumb and dumber where Jim Carey says “Hey want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAWoP1kncRE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAWoP1kncRE)
If you don’t have internet or haven’t tasted hot wings or don’t want to watch some of the funniest stuff on earth then just imagine this sound then.

Sneak into your mother-in-laws bedroom early in the morning before everyone is awake, climb quietly into bed without disturbing either mom-in-law or dad-in-law.
Go in for a cuddle and when they start waking up, ask
"what’s for breakfast""…..
The Noise that you hear, will be close to what a typical native Australian parrot sounds like.
I was going to say it’s nothing to write home about.
But then I already have written about it and I don’t feel like writing about something else.

To be continued  :thumleft:


Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 19, 2019, 07:26:42 am
budgie smugglers  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Ian in Great Brak River on September 20, 2019, 05:17:12 am
Man Alive! Thank fark for this lekker thread, just the laugh I need...ed today. Nothing like the passing of a 160mph hurricane to put it all in perspective. You are to be commended Master Bozo and your Bozoites.
So many wise truths in these just read 9 pages, and again I am psychedelically reminded just how fortunate we are to be able to do what we do in SA. One of my 3 best mates calls Albany WA home and it would appear that the remaining 2 and I will be in his part of the world next May, so I must begin to practice saying FlatWhiteDoubleDouble regularly from now on.

Seeing more and more good Aussie bike RR’s on the Tube out into the Simpson and Flinders areas but the guys do seem to keep a certain social distance from each other ... might just be my imagination I s’pose.

I am stunned at the vehicle insurance costs on your island.

Awaiting your next installment.

 8)

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Tman21 on September 20, 2019, 09:04:51 am


Amazingly the sun eventually came out and we went for a swim in the bay where the locals hangout. It’s all very civilized, no one wants to sit on your lap, nobody is having a conversation at 100000 db with the person sitting next to them. In fact it’s so civilized that you can even watch the 20 somethings almost pomping in their tents.
Trenticles obviously didn’t believe me when I told him, so he went for a walk to check it out. True as nuts, pun intended, :deal:  there’s two young ones leaning on the edge of 3rd base.
'
You have been gone for longer than you think.  Its gone up to 350000db since youve left. >:(
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: THROTTLE JOCKEY on September 20, 2019, 10:45:58 am
You made my Friday.

Not sure if I want to go to Aus now or stay well away.  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Boerbok on September 21, 2019, 06:49:46 am
You guys are amateurs when it comes to insurance.....

 :eek7:  :eek7:  :eek7:

Ek het redelik jammer vir myself gevoel toe ek in Jul $1600 moes betaal vir die kar en bike... Ek belowe ek sal nie weer kla nie.

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 24, 2019, 01:08:02 am

This was written at the end of 2016. It was a recap of the year and a merry xmas letter.
I can tell you that the after being here for 3 and a half years that saying merry xmas across the ocean doesent get any eaiser.
Qantas and the rest of the Airways take full advantage of this situation and its SUPER expensive to fly over December.

Almost 365 days ago, wonder woman and I had a sit down to discuss the future of us, that’s “Morty, Wonder Woman, Trento and Spiderpig”
The future of our beautiful county we call South Africa and where we fit in, how it all fits together and where will we be in 10 years’ time.
I had finally got my Degree in Business Management, I had put new tyres on my GSA, we had an awesome farm to visit on weekends, hell even the sin tax on cigarettes and beer didn’t bother me too much.
Things were looking up. ;D
And then they started burning Universities, appointing DimWits into financial Minister Positions and the list goes on.
Changing Jobs was basically impossible for a WEM, or a WAM and my the future for my boys was looking slim. :dousing:

So we decided to “Investigate our options”….. this is where the fun starts. My Investigations vs Wonder Womans gestapo style "I vant to only heer von Clik" Style
My investigations were have a chat to some foreigners that I have met over the years and some expats, you know, standard questions like.
How much is beer?
How much are smokes?
What’s the weather like?
Are the chicks hot?
How much are bikes?
Wonder woman on the other hand went full balls to the wall investigation, as one would expect I suppose.
We quickly (in retrospect mistakenly?) ruled out Canada as an option, ‘too cold hey’
America, as you just can’t get in there
The UK is already full and besides I can’t speak soccer.
So, we were left with Australia or New Zealand. 
I put out feelers and before you know it we were organizing plane tickets. Holy CRAP in a bucket, what? From a fleeting thought to sitting in Melbourne where the sun shines, then doesn’t, then does, It’s a bit like a four year old discovering a light switch for the first time.  >:(
Living in Melbourne is like driving a RENAUT that’s just passed its warranty date, very unpredictable and F#$Ken expensive.
But wait, before we got to Aussie, we did other stuff aswell.
Wonder Woman and your truly “Fatty long bottom”, joined the Benoni Gym Bunnies in a “fun” event called the Otter Trail.  :snorting:
Its advertised (I imagine) as a 45km meandering walk through god’s country where you can take in spectacular panoramas of the Indian Ocean, get lost in the breathtakingly beautiful forests and become one with nature.
That’s all true, except it felt like a 450km walk up and down the side of cliffs where we enjoyed the parts where we could sit down and die quietly. All this time the GYM bunnies bounced from rock to rock like mountain goats, singing the hills are alive with the sound of music.
FOK that was hard. But lekker. Would I do it again? Yes.  My fat ass lost 6kg on that little trippie.
Trento had made the transition from "big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond" and went to JEPPIE to discover that boarding school is the worst and best thing that can happen to a young man.
He went in thinking that he was going to be DA MAN, came back a week later, tail between his legs, not happy with the world. Wonder woman and Trento were not happy with the situation. BUT 3 months later Trento and Wonder Woman had adjusted to the Boarding School life and peace was restored, albeit tenuous.
I can tell you without a doubt that even though Trento was only in boarding school for 6 months, he came out a better person with a new appreciation for the finer things in life. Like a fridge, TV, and food.
After the news of immigrating hit home. I started selling off my children and I have to tell you it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done. :o
Firstly I had to say goodbye to my WR450, when I think of her, she was like that HOT girl everybody wanted to get stuck into but was too scared to approach.
I found that if you massaged her ego a little and treated her nicely, she would behave, but, add one or two beers, get brave, and pull her hair and you are left with broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. There is a reason the yamaha symbol is made up of tuning forks. Just test that 450 and it tjunes you riiight back my bra!!! :deal:
So with a heavy heart I let her go to an unsuspecting young Jedi Knight that had not yet turned to the dark side.
I held on to my favourite for as long as possible, although not everyone’s term of endearment is “fat pig,” I fondly referred to her as such with affection and love, she was comfortable, always ready for a ride, even in the chilly mornings she would keep my hands warm by allowing me to grip her just that bit little harder, her loving embrace at 180km/h always managed to get my blood pumping and the fun between my legs factor just never ended.
She was even more beautiful with her new takkies that I bought her for her birthday.... Sadly I could not bring myself to say goodbye to my “fat pig” and while I was hiding at work I made wonder woman do it.
If I sit quietly, I can still hear those twin akrapovic’s screaming “10% More”. Oh well, now when I’m Luss, I sneak off to the bathroom and watch BMW GS Adventure videos on the toilet.
Ok where was I……. Oh JA,
We jetted off on a plane to Australia (Stralia) in May where after a frantic week of looking for a car and a place to rent, Wonder Woman returned to the mainland and left me on the island to fend for myself. I managed to survive (just) in the sweeping rain and shitty weather, on a basic diet of one pot cooking and streaming TV.
When the family arrived, I was over the moon looking forward to having a conversation with someone. We slept on blow up mattresses for a month before our stuff arrived and we had a great time bonding as a family and learning all about this strange new land that we are in.
The kids settled in to school quickly and Wonder Woman started looking for a job.
Apparently finding a job here is not as easy as we thought but through thorough tough thought and determination, she eventually landed a sweet position.
I’m sure she will be running the business soon enough. :)
We have done a lot of cool things here and met lots of cool people, every now and again we meet up with Nicola and her crazy connections and neck a bottle or two. I’m currently King of the pool table, Nicola is Queen of swing ball, and wonder woman is hunting for a trophy (I Think I should get a dart board).
We will be spending Xmas eve with a 50/50 couple Marius and Vanessa, both are South Africans, but Marius has recently got his citizenship and Vanessa is still waiting, so now when we seem them is like “hello mate and Tannie”.
Xmas Day will be spent with Nicola and it looks like the sun will be out. Anything can happen is all I can say.
In closing when we were saying goodbye to family and friends, there were parties, tears, hangovers, laughter and hugs. The laughter is the happy memories that last forever.
I suppose because we/I didn’t know how hard it would be, to be away, I didn’t take the time to sit down and look each person in the eye and tell them how much each and everyone means to me and how your friendship and love have pulled me through the dark times.  :'(
Its hardest at this time of the year when we know everyone is together, there is nothing like those impromptu golf games that last well into the night, the 200 beers and potjiekos. The loud music and the poker games.
It’s with a lump in my throat that I say to everyone on the receiving end of this mail, have a fantastic Xmas, look into the eyes of the ones you care about and tell them how you feel.
Its hard to do that when there is an ocean between you and a 9-hour time difference. 
Remember, Blood doesn't make family. Love makes family.
I feel like I have a big Family and I’m all the richer for it.   8)


Some Aussie Terms....
brickie = bricklayer
sparky = electrician
Tradie = Tradesman
trucky = truck driver
chippie = carpenter
brekkie = breakfast
tinny = can of beer or small aluminium boat
prezzie = present
Chrissy = Christmas
Barbie = barbeque
Mozzy = mosquito
Pokies = poker machines
Chewie = chewing gum
Lippie = Lipstick
Rellie = A relative, family member
Brizzy = Brisbane (capital of Queensland)
Sickie = To take a day off work when you are not be actually sick
Pollies = politicians
Bikkie = biscuit
Cozzies = swimsuit
Boardies = boardshorts
Postie = postman
Vinnies = St Vincent de Paul Society (charity)
Sunnies = sunglasses
Woollies = Woolworths or warm winter clothing
Exy = Expensive
Footy = Football
Laccy band = elastic or rubber band
Mundy, Sundy, Satdy = Monday, Sunday, Saturday etc.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Mr Zog on September 24, 2019, 03:40:23 am
A brilliant letter you wrote there mate  :thumleft:

I also left SA in 2016, March 15 to be exact, and it was effing difficult to say goodbye. The absolute worst was saying goodbye to my son who was 9 at the time.

Friends, family, parents... it left an ugly pit in my guts.

But very soon I was too busy trying to earn a buck to pay bills and buy food. Keeping busy as all heck helped to keep the thoughts of those left behind from the forefront of my mind, and writing my "blog" on this forum helped to share the hurt, and all the other ups and downs.

Starting over from scratch, with nothing, and without any recognized qualifications or references was, and still is, hard as fuck. But it does get easier. Just a little at a time.

I'm sure you have experienced the same  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 25, 2019, 08:36:42 am
A brilliant letter you wrote there mate  :thumleft:

I also left SA in 2016, March 15 to be exact, and it was effing difficult to say goodbye. The absolute worst was saying goodbye to my son who was 9 at the time.

Friends, family, parents... it left an ugly pit in my guts.

But very soon I was too busy trying to earn a buck to pay bills and buy food. Keeping busy as all heck helped to keep the thoughts of those left behind from the forefront of my mind, and writing my "blog" on this forum helped to share the hurt, and all the other ups and downs.

Starting over from scratch, with nothing, and without any recognized qualifications or references was, and still is, hard as fuck. But it does get easier. Just a little at a time.

I'm sure you have experienced the same  :thumleft:

I agree, Keeping busy is the only way to move on.
Its hard.
My biggest disappointment was after spending 6 years of early mornings studying to get my Degree to arrive here and find out that it's not worth the paper it printed on....
Anyhooo as someone said to me.

"drink a cup of cement and harden the fuck up"  ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 25, 2019, 08:41:50 am
So today I got to do a road trip with a slaes guy at the office. For the first time I got to be in the passenger seat and got to look out the window and take photos of our country side.
A quick 40 minutes outside the city and the beauty of the Victorian country side is inspiring.
In these pictures you can see the daisies growing in the lands. So lekker!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 25, 2019, 08:49:37 am
If there is one thing that i love thats little country towns. We went to a place called castlemaine.
One day when I will retire to a little town like this.
One of the things this place is know for is Hot Rods.
https://www.hotrodcentre.com.au/gallery/ (https://www.hotrodcentre.com.au/gallery/)

Me I love the old building and farms. (wouldn't mind a hot rod in the garage either)
Notice the lack of electric fences.... :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 25, 2019, 08:51:21 am
And then on the way home I saw this old farm house.......
Aiiiii tog mense een dag. :drif:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on September 25, 2019, 09:39:19 am
And then on the way home I saw this old farm house.......
Aiiiii tog mense een dag. :drif

What would the rent be of a farmhouse out in the rural areas? I'm not talking Outback.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Willem-Ben on September 25, 2019, 09:40:25 am
Beeuuutiflulll!! ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on September 25, 2019, 10:16:35 am
Mooi! :thumleft:
Title: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 25, 2019, 12:50:30 pm
And then on the way home I saw this old farm house.......
Aiiiii tog mense een dag. :drif

What would the rent be of a farmhouse out in the rural areas? I'm not talking Outback.
It would depend on the size of the house and the town. but you can get places between $300 all the way to $650 a week. I have seen some great 4 bedroom 2 bathroom spots for $450 a week.....
But then at those prices it’s almost worth it to just buy a place.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: mox on September 27, 2019, 09:12:24 am
Reminds me a little of Pilgrims Rest and Waterval Boven etc  many moons ago, in fact many a small town in SA many many moons ago.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 28, 2019, 01:15:31 am
Reminds me a little of Pilgrims Rest and Waterval Boven etc  many moons ago, in fact many a small town in SA many many moons ago.
Yes that’s exactly what it’s like the towns in the mountains are almost replicas. Then if you go out into the (flatlands) they start to look like small dorpies in the free state. They all have a community hall a hotel (local pub) and a golf course. Its the real Australia out here, crocodile Dundee types everywhere. Love it.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 30, 2019, 07:26:03 am
Update from this weekend..
A History lesson but a fun one.
This story starts on a blustery Friday morning in the grey city of Melbourne, 4.9 Million people, having fought through a long dreary winter armed only with their $5 Café Latte’s, Espresso’s, Long Macchiato and Americano’s were ready for a weekend filled with excitement and a public holiday.  Its footy finals time once again.
The build-up has felt like it would last for ever.
After 23 weeks of round robin games there is a finals weekend, followed by a semi-finals weekend followed by some other finals weekend. Eventually the actual finals weekend is differentiated from the rest by calling it “the grand final” and having a parade in the city and latching on a public holiday for the actual footy in Victoria.
Blessed be the sport titans of this industry. While we are handing out blessings let’s not forget the corporate institutions that leach the minnows of their hard earned cash to line their industrial coffers.
“In total, Harcourt estimates the AFL Grand Final is worth a staggering $3 billion in total to the Victorian economy – greater than the surplus of last year's Victorian Budget.”
https://www.9news.com.au/national/afl-and-nrl-grand-final-cost-and-benefit-to-state-economy/14cc2afa-23b1-41d0-89e7-054623b5a878 (https://www.9news.com.au/national/afl-and-nrl-grand-final-cost-and-benefit-to-state-economy/14cc2afa-23b1-41d0-89e7-054623b5a878)
While a large percentage of the populace enjoy the benefits of a day off work and a parade in the city there are a wise few that turn in the opposite direction and, for want of a better expression, “Get the fuck outta Dodge!!”
Wonder Woman, Bones, Marty and I were on a road trip. An unlikely trio of bikers and a Honda Jazz. The trip started out as per usual where Bones and Marty had discussed, and possibly agreed, on the route the night before. We were to meet them in Warrigal an hour outside of footy town and continue our trip united in our awesomeness together. After our double shot of caffeine injections, we were ready to get going, Wonder Woman and I sat by while Bones and Marty “discussed” the route to the next stop.  While both were quickly in agreement of the destination and the route the technology that was being used by each differed. You see Marty travels in luxury, his BMW R1200 GSA has all the bells and whistles including a Garmin global positioning system. Bones who is slightly vertically challenged has an equally luxurious BMW 700GS with a lowered seat. Her means of navigation is delivered via an iPhone running google maps. Although imperfect, there are various reasons each are better than the other and should be treated that way. I’m talking about the map software not the bikes or the people by the way. The problem is when the two work together via helmet communications the people not the bikes or the software.
You see Wonder Woman and I work on a “see you there” basis.
Marty and Bones like to communicate while riding, which is good, until the Garmin wants to go to the post office and the iPhone wants you to go wherever the communist bastards want.
Each little town on route was greeted with all of us doing multiple U-turns, shaking of heads, waving of hands and the universal “what the fuck are you doing” gestures. On the bright side I have managed to perfect my U-turns on single lanes. Our day started at 8:30 and we eventually arrived at our destination of Buchan at 16:00 covering approx. 440km. in 8 hours……
All in all a great day in the saddle taking in the picturesque views while passing through the small towns each with their own character and history. All of them amazing and worth a revisit.

What use would a quick letter be if it were not educational.

“Why Buchan?” I hear you ask. Well there are caves there, that’s why. Although that’s cool I’m not really interested in the geological discoveries linked to this destination.
There is a deeper darker more colourful piece of history besides the sheer visual beauty and dark holes filled with bats and guano.
You see Buchan was originally discovered by a dude called Edward Bayliss (Eddie) that was looking for grazing land for his cattle.
After a walkabout for a few years Eddie found this spot and put his peg in the ground proclaiming this his land.
Eddie then went off to collect his cows, unfortunately in his day there were no tar roads and Mack trucks, so he had to walk them from wherever they were through the mountains to said place called Buchan.
As a side question would this make him a buccaneer?

AANNNNYYYYWhooooooo This, my friends, is where it gets interesting.

I’m sure that you are aware that loose lips sink ships, snitches get stitches, and dead men tell no lies.
Even though the history books won’t actually say this, Eddie liked to sip on grandpa’s old medicine, when he was in the local pub drinking fermented piss with the boys he blabbed on about how special he was and how favorable the land was for grazing.
In his euphoric haze of potential wealth Eddie forgot that his arch nemesis (probably not at the time) was listening to all of this and jumped at the opportunity like a dog eating biltong scraps mistakenly dropped on the floor during a rugby match.
A year later Eddie arrived with his 715 head of cattle, two drays* and eight men to discover that some punk called John Rhodes Wilkinson (JR, Jonny, Johno) had arrived mere days before and claimed that exact same land as his.
Eddie was forced to settle further down the river and never really forgave Johno for his indiscretions…. 

* a truck or cart without sides, for delivering beer barrels or other heavy loads. (see I told you)

I think if I had been Eddie and Jonny had done that to me I would have been da-blickzem-in. 

Again, history does document what happened in the end except that after a mere 2 seasons they both packed up and left to go further south. (think I might investigate their travels further)


We spent the evening in the local pub doing much the same as Eddie, dopping pints and talking bikes. I was all complements about Marty and Bones’ 2 wheeled chariots, they were on form trying to convince Wonder Woman to buy a bike.
They were also not too subtle in their approach on their dislike of how I “fit” on my XT660Z Tenere.
Marty was probably the closest with……
“Have you ever been to a circus and seen the monkeys on the tiny bicycles?”
Bones was less delicate with
“The bike is very narrow for your frame”.
All too soon it was time to return to Melbourne. The return route would be quicker as wonder woman and I would take the hiway home.
You know how something doesn’t bother you it until someone points it out. Well the realization that my frame (tall, roundish and bony) vs the Yamaha frame (sleek, adventurous and proud), don’t gel together, especially over long distances started to bother me 50km into my 350km trip home.
By the time I got to mt final destination my ass was square, my spine was curved, and my legs were numb.
Seems I need to trade up back to my favourite favourite the GSA…or am I too old and should be looking at getting a 4x4 and start fly-fishing like the blokes in the Glenfiddich adverts.
Here are some memories without words. Remember always walk your cat with a lead…….
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 30, 2019, 07:30:12 am
Some More pictures.
Anybody know what the long thing is.... my guess is an old gold separator...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 30, 2019, 07:32:24 am
And what good is a ride report without the beer and that bike!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on September 30, 2019, 09:58:21 am
Anybody know what the long thing is.

That looks like an old squire alphalfa or hay baler.

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on September 30, 2019, 11:32:33 pm
Yep I would agree with that. Would also make sense seeing as there's a deep history of bovine farming there. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 01, 2019, 10:13:50 am
Ok, to continue with the updates.
Hopefully you guys are still reading this, :bueller:
This was in the new year we had been here for 7 months and I was still converting to Rands. It really took me a long time to stop converting,
I can see now reading through these letters how difficult I had made it for my family.....  :eek7:


Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 01, 2019, 10:16:11 am
So which one of the two on the bridge is wonder woman?
Or is she the one with helmet in hand on the stoep in the background?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 01, 2019, 10:32:51 am
Welcome to the new year everyone 2017 SHEEEEEWWW WEEEEEEE, I’m sure that you are all keen to get back to work to get away from the kids?..
Here on the island we still have holidays for the kids until the 30th January.
As I sit here at my desk my thoughts turn to when the eating machine, Trento/Trenticles, (he is having a youtube identity crisis) gets bored, the fridge door opens and closes so often that it ends up working better as an air conditioner.
That should only cost us about $4000 in extra food bills then.
Funny story about eating machines. Marius and Vanessa or the 50/50 couple or Marty and Bones (the couple where Martin is now a Australian Citizen and Vanessa is not) Invite us, the Robinson family, out to the city to have a look at bright lights.
Being fresh off the boat and all, we (I) don’t really venture into the city, and why would we, there are people there. Lots of them.
And there’s the traffic and you have to pay for stuff and its busy and it’s a city.  :biggrin:
Anyway we get a call from the 50/50 family and we accept. According to wonder woman “it’s good to go out and try new things.”  :patch:
I was prepared for the worst, mentally I had done my exercises and practiced my breathing techniques, I repeated my mantra to myself
“My mind is like a hollow reed; the wind blows through me.”
We jumped on the train and 25 minutes later we were in the city. BOOM….
WHAAT??? No traffic, no taxis, no hooting, no aggressive driving to stop taxis from pushing in at a robot, or crossing over 3 lanes in front of you, no people standing at the side of the robots selling coat hangers and used car radios.
Still there were lots of people. LOTS…… lucky my mental preparations were not in vain, I was still ready for the onslaught of being bumped around, glared at like homeless F$%k, harassed by street hawkers and constantly looking over my shoulder for some Hussain Bolt wannabe with a temporarily borrowed handbag to come screaming past.
Alas it was not to be.
Walking around here, this thing called personal space, is understood.
It’s all very civilized, its busy, don’t get me wrong, there are 1000’s of people, but there is space, people smile and walk around, if they stop for a chat, they move to the side of the walk way. WWHHAAAATTTT???? yes its true!!!
I was steadily starting to relax, when I realized that there was still something wrong.
Had I lost a child?
Had I been robbed?
What was wrong?
Spiderpig had seen about 40 fast food places by now and was dropping hints faster than Hansie Cronjie at a press conference.
Trenticles was checking his reflection in the shop windows, pulling a muscle and winking at his reflection.  All there…..
I did the quick spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch check? All there…..
What was it?
I just couldn’t put my finger on it…..Marius or Martin (His Aussie Name) walked over and said,
 “Have you noticed how quiet the city is? ”
That was the thing I was missing, there were no hooters blaring, people screaming at each other.
Ahhhhhhh lekker!!!!
Well there was this one part where there was a broken-down RENAULT and the driver needed help to push it into the harbor, but that’s easily forgiven in any country.  :pot:
Unfortunately, his spot in the harbour was taken by a broken Nissan x-trail. (LOL)  :pot:

Our stroll through the City was both educational and interesting, the Graffiti on the walls was very cool, the food stalls and little pubs along Southbank were very inviting, I’m sure if you were wealthy it would be a lot nicer to walk in have a little snack and a quick dop then move onto the next one…..
Well at least now I know what it’s like to be on the other side of the window… :o

AANNNYYYYYYWWWAAAYYYY I have deviated from my story.

By now Spiderpig has moved on from dropping hints about food to using physical intimidation and is attempting to herd us into a pen like a sheep dog.
Trenticles/Trent0123 is starting to look a bit faint as well so we decide we will go to a food plaza and get a feed there.

BUT FIRST let’s rewind to add a little context to this event.

At this point in time I would just like to add that not all blame can be shouldered by my offspring and wonder woman, even I, sometimes, need to put my hand up and confess.
The outcome of this evening was probably my fault.
You be the Judge. That would mean that you would have to write back MWHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Apparently acknowledging your short comings makes you a better person………
It doesn’t make you feel better, there is a difference. So you have to choose, be a better person, or feel good.

“As gevolg van” / Because of my continuous mental exchange rate conversion mentality in the last 7 months of existence here on the island we have not had any “takeout” or been out for dinner or any luxuries like that.
Added to that, by now I’m sure you have realized that feeding two growing boys is not cheap.
Feeding them in a Melbourne restaurant at these prices is just wrong. Its so wrong that it makes me physically ill.
We may have crossed an ocean, we may have spent time learning the rules for the Footy and even spent time chatting to the locals.
HELL I even got my driver’s license, but to pay R200 for a standard cheese burger and R32 for a bottle of water tends to ruin the taste for me.
Call me Jewish, in fact you can call me whatever you like, but my taste buds start shutting down at R200 for a Burger and everything is bitter after that.
Luckily being trained by the Biggest Afrikaans Jewboy I know (Herman) I had a counter measure for this.
My plan was to feed the boys before we went out, that way they won’t order the entire left side of the menu when we eventually stop.
Ok, on with the story…….

Fast-forward to just after we got there.
Like a pack of wolfs on the hunt on a warm summers day in Alaska and finding an open butchery with nobody around, they (one in particular, Spiderpig) were taking full advantage of this rare occasion.
The sights and sounds of the city were lost on them like a backup third team rugby player orange peeler, he is in the game but not really taking part. 
Max had eyes for one thing and one thing only, shops selling food, fast food. If the oil content was above 30% then all the better!
While walking around we stopped at an oriental shop and bought what looks like an oval pizza, that has its sides bent up like a boat, so that all the oil and kak doesn’t drip out.
Spiderpig and Trenticles had one each.

BOOOOOOM done, next please?
Then off to the food plaza a little later and then.
Large Cheese burger
BOOOM Done!....
Large Chips
BOOM Done!!!........
Energade
boom Done!!!!!!.........
Milkshake.
BOOM Almost done!! And that’s where the problems start.  :dousing:

First Spiderpig says to Trenticles that he doesn’t want any more of his milkshake. My Spidey senses start to tingle, whoa, what’s going on here?   ???
Next Spiderpig looks at wonder woman and gives her that look that only a mother understands. My Spidey senses accelerate to a more concrete sensation of impending financial loss for myself and stomach content loss for Spiderpig. :eek7:
In a flash they were outside getting fresh air. And now it was like Fuck the "spidey senses” this is a full-blown frontal assault on my wallet. It felt like paying taxes in South Africa again.   :snorting:
There was no need to predict the future of what was going to happen, I received the “look” from wonder woman that said stay away.  :-\
Trenticles was taking full advantage of the situation by delivering a running commentary as quickly as possible to gain favour over another sibling, and I was wondering if Spiderpig would try to hold at least a little down.  :patch:
Needless to say it’s a laughing matter now and I will feed them more before we go out again!!!  And…… take a kots bag so we can heat it up for later. (EEEWWWW) :pot:

Anyway More to follow soon. Exploring the outback



Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 01, 2019, 10:36:43 am
So which one of the two on the bridge is wonder woman?
Or is she the one with helmet in hand on the stoep in the background?
Wonder Woman is tall blond one on the bridge... were you looking for the super hero outfit?  :imaposer:
Believe it or not just like Clark Kent you wont recognize her if she takes her glasses of.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: roxenz on October 01, 2019, 11:22:36 am
Fark BOZO, your reporting is hilarious!  :imaposer:  I think it should be made into a sitcom. The Cruize Ous on the Island... +16 SNVL (is there a letter for "politically incorrect"?)  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 01, 2019, 12:20:41 pm
 SNVL (is there a letter for "politically incorrect"?)

Think it is P :deal: ;)

Heard not so long ago what those letters stand for in Afrikaans.
Nee,Sies,Vieslik,Lelik!! :deal: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on October 01, 2019, 07:25:46 pm
No "kat skiet" piekchas? You almost disappoint me... :patch: :pot: :peepwall:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 02, 2019, 11:57:55 pm
No "kat skiet" piekchas? You almost disappoint me... :patch: :pot: :peepwall:
Ha Ha Ha, Although this thread is not entirely PC, those pictures actually might earn me a suspension.  :lol8: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 03, 2019, 05:06:40 am
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…….
Actually it was not that long ago, and depending on where you are standing far far away is a relative term.
I won’t get into any technical jargon this early in this update. I feel it is my duty to not only not bore you but to educate you as-well.
Nothing like not not using a double negative in a sentence.... NOT!!!
 
I Wrote a LONG Story and Lost it all. (to say that I was a little upset is beyond me)
So here’s is a short version. I can’t be bothered to write it again.  :bueller:
I have forced leave over December and Wonder Woman as per usual is working (I think I'm being done in here)
Over new year’s we (I) decided to go on a little outback tour.
THEGIT (that me), Spiderpig, and Trenticles. In the Suzuki (flappy paddles)……… Camping……. In the outback.
The planning portion went well…… I sat on the couch and asked the boys where they wanted to go, they looked up from their devices and shrugged and said… “the outback mate”
Their answer was not exactly inspiring….
Was I getting a taste of my own medicine?
Is this a sign of things to come?
What does my future hold?
These are the questions parents ask themselves when attempting to communicate with children attached to battery powered smart devices.
So I decided to try a different tack.
Attempt 2: Open google earth zoom onto Australia and try again.
It would seem shifting focus from device to device is easier than engaging with humans. Trenticles points to a spot in the middle of the Island close to Alice Springs and mumbles.
“That looks cool”, his eyes cloud over, his head drops back to his cell phone and I’ve lost him again. MAN I was so close.
Spiderpig is gonners, he will only come out of his room on four conditions, the internet is down, there is no power, he  needs to eat or needs to “slat ‘n monstor kak”.
“Looks Cool” is not a place the Suzuki can get too, “looks cool” is also about 4000km in one direction.
“Let’s try some other place?” I fruitlessly suggest to the top of Trenticles’s head…..
Sorry for you pal… I’m on my own. All their attention is lost and the best answer I can get from here on is “the outback”

And So we travelled, 2000km onto the edge of the outback.
The conversation on the trip was like rapid machine gun fire. Short blasts of noise, followed by, silence, the ticking of a cooling barrel and Christmas beetles.
The kids took their turns sleeping, looking bored and eating. I passed the time thinking of lots of topics to talk about including how difficult it must be to be Dr Spok and to be a cling-on.
We engaged in short fire yet gripping conversations about Life, Girls, Cartoons, School, Sport and what the future holds for us (them really).
A road trip with kids is great fun and causes one to leave behind Adult issues and look at life from a kids point of view. It really is great.
Except for the part where you have to drive and they get to sleep. In the 2000km that we covered the terrain changed about 3 times. As we left the city it was like the natal midlands with rolling hills and green grass plains, then into the free state where it’s so flat you can see until next Tuesday, after that it changed to the Karoo, the biggest difference is the size, its BIG, the grass plains go forever.
If you were to drive to Cape Town from Musina you will get a different view every 100 or so km. Here on the island you are not so lucky. I think that’s why the Aussies have a jittery eye when they start talking about the outback.
 
The Route was Melbourne, Mildura, Broken Hill, Wilcannia, Hay, Melbourne.
 
I don’t know where the saying ‘one horse town’ comes from but if you have never seen one come to the island and I can show you lots of them.
You can stand on one end of the town and see the other. 
Below is a Google Street view of a typical town that we passed through. That’s the town………
https://www.google.com.au/maps/@-35.6087149,142.5795411,3a,75y,92.51h,80.28t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1syf3TOV1oIRkOTw25_ZTfjA!2e0!7i13312!8i6656 (https://www.google.com.au/maps/@-35.6087149,142.5795411,3a,75y,92.51h,80.28t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1syf3TOV1oIRkOTw25_ZTfjA!2e0!7i13312!8i6656)
Now go back and have a look at how much beer is outside the bar.
WHATTTTT………them outbackers can chuck a schooner back better than a student at a 21st with an open bar.
“If the ocean was whiskey, and I was a duck, I’d swim to the bottom and drink it all up.”   :thumleft:

At this point, I would like to go off topic a touch here.
**** this is like a thread hijack but that requires another willing participant, not its not really ****

This serves a triple purpose,
1. To give you a break from the outback,
2. To build a back story for my next section
3. And to keep some sort of consistency with the rest of the letters that I write.

Unlike JK Rowling I’m not going to write an entire chapter about Huffelpuff, Quiddich, Herminie Granger (hotty), Ginny or some Snowy owl called fishbreath.
I’m just building some context so that you can almost believe the rubbish you are reading.

More to Follow,,,,,,

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 03, 2019, 09:45:08 am
My kinda town, it's so small you can hear the people gossiping about you!! ;) :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on October 03, 2019, 10:20:23 am
Looks like the one horse left too... :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Pilchie on October 03, 2019, 11:23:45 am
Loving this thread - love your writing style and humour :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: silvrav on October 03, 2019, 07:47:25 pm
Reminds me of South west in the much older days - Town was a manual petrol pump, a little cafe and a house - you blink, you miss it  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 04, 2019, 07:23:02 am
Ya these little towns are cool.
The pubs are the local meeting grounds. Lekker
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Offshore on October 04, 2019, 08:50:16 am
Bozo as a matter of interest, is there any animosity towards your Kids at School because of their Nationality or even towards yourself?
I often wonder how the Aussies or Kiwis feel when some Saffers make them at Home but continue to support their Foe's Side in Sport etc, much like a Soutpiel of Yesteryear. >:D
Not talking about yourself off course.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BigEd on October 04, 2019, 09:22:22 am
Bozo as a matter of interest, is there any animosity towards your Kids at School because of their Nationality or even towards yourself?
I often wonder how the Aussies or Kiwis feel when some Saffers make them at Home but continue to support their Foe's Side in Sport etc, much like a Soutpiel of Yesteryear. >:D
Not talking about yourself off course.

Wondered about that myself.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 04, 2019, 09:26:41 am
They say if you really want to stuff up your immigration to Aus when you arrive at customs you should answer the following after being asked how did you get in? Easy I have a criminal record I hear every one needs one to get in!! ;) :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 07, 2019, 11:13:55 am
They say if you really want to stuff up your immigration to Aus when you arrive at customs you should answer the following after being asked how did you get in? Easy I have a criminal record I hear every one needs one to get in!! ;) :lol8:
:laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 07, 2019, 11:36:18 am
Bozo as a matter of interest, is there any animosity towards your Kids at School because of their Nationality or even towards yourself?
I often wonder how the Aussies or Kiwis feel when some Saffers make them at Home but continue to support their Foe's Side in Sport etc, much like a Soutpiel of Yesteryear. >:D
Not talking about yourself off course.
Its interesting.. The Kids don't seem to have had any animosity per se'. They adjusted really quickly. I think its because, when they arrive here they good manners etc etc. The Teachers like them and they do (did) really well in school.
Another thing that was working in my kids favor they are really big for their age and Trenticles was is really good at sport so when he tried out for footy he basically broke the apposing team in half.  :biggrin:
From a Supporting teams like the Bokke and the Proteas. In Melbourne they dont watch or support Rugby so if it comes up in a conversion you would have more luck chatting about the knitting world champs. 
The Aussies love a bit of banter but are the worst loosers EVER. I wonder sometimes if they are not worse than the English press. If Someone fails, or has a bad day on the field, the press will pester them for weeks on end untill some other mooch makes a mistake.   I dont think this really answers your question..... Hmmm I may need to explore this question a bit...... thanks for the Idea... :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 07, 2019, 11:42:23 am
 They adjusted really quickly.

Were their school subjects whey different, could they stay in the same year/standard as here?
School standard the same or better? Or?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 07, 2019, 11:51:20 am
The Kids found school REALLY Easy.
It's different from SA as the teachers have no authority and have to be PC with everything.
The subjects are pretty much the same but the education model is different. You will hear things like Private , Semi-Private and Government Schools. the only difference is the Cost.
I will elaborate more on this one tomorrow. As its quite an interesting topic.  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 07, 2019, 11:58:50 am
Last question, do they have to take a second language as a subject or do they have only english or what they call english? ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Willem-Ben on October 07, 2019, 12:49:59 pm
 :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: IanTheTooth on October 07, 2019, 01:36:17 pm
Who said manual petrol pump? This is a town time left behind called Nebo. We went through when I was checking up on Turrawulla Road and the pass up to Eungella (pronounced Young-gella.)  Main raison d'etre for Nebo was a police compound to wipe out the local aboriginals. The cage on the back of the Landcruiser is for a pig dog. They still love their hunting.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Maverick on October 07, 2019, 03:34:51 pm
If ever I had a fantastic Monday laughing whilst my staff is f£4k1ng up production and machines at a fortunate Karoo rate which is slow but still does damage in the very long term this would be that Monday reading your thread @BOZO

Pennevrug uit die boonste rakke  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 07, 2019, 11:24:03 pm
Last question, do they have to take a second language as a subject or do they have only english or what they call english? ;)
The subjects are pretty much the same but the education model is different. You will hear things like Private , Semi-Private and Government Schools. the only difference is the Cost.
Private school will ease your constipated bowls at about $25k - $40k a year.  :o
Semi-Private / Catholic are slightly more palatable at $8k - $14k a year. :o
And Government at a pleasurable (my option, obviously) $899.00 per year. If you take the full option of paying for everything upfront, (all raffles, ticket sales, fund raising events, camps, day trips, etc etc) then its about $1150….. I pay that with a smile my friend.  :)
The education model here seems (to me) to be let the kids be kids and they will find their way. They have pathway schools that basically let the kids work at their own pace, they can do subjects that interest them that eventually lead to some sort of trade. Then you have the “normal” schools that do the more formal subjects like English, maths,  biology etc etc. They are required to take a second language until grade 10 (I think) but it’s like taking a normal subject. The interesting thing is the type of subjects you can take, drama, photography, physical education, psychology, outdoors, marine sciences etc etc.
So this is interesting as the model is let the kids be kids they don’t get any homework, if they do I’m not aware of it as my two have never done any since we arrived here. They also don’t write any exams until year 11 / grade 11 / standard 9. So its basically a holiday for them (the kids).
In year 12 (last year of school) they write their first real exams. If they get high enough “points” they can go to university. If not they can still go to university where they do a “gap filler” year to get them to the correct level to continue on. 

Im not an officado on the cost of University but this is how I understand it.

With my 2 Brainiac’s I’m pretty sure I need to look a the cost of high vis clothing and safety boots.   :imaposer:

University is not free but, as a citizen you can get a “loan” from the government that has a super low interest rate. You would only need to start paying back when you start earning a certain amount. The interesting thing about this loan is that you dept dies with you. So that means that you can (and most do) study for your PHD etc and only pay back the interest monthly $150 and one day when you peg, well so does your debt. 

The weirdest thing is that the student that go to university do there to study, there is no “student life” as we know it in SA. No jool or hatfield for example. Just robots at class. The kids that don’t go to uni get a trade and become rich at the age of 25 as tradies, the others that flip burgers or make coffee earn a good wage and get by comfortably.

When we first got here, we were all over Trenticles and spiderpig, they had to get top marks at school, they were going to university to get a piece of paper and then they could do whatever they wanted.
That’s the South African way right? But as we have spent more time here you start to realize that it doesn’t matter if they struggle to wipe their asses or are able to design a Rocketship they will be ok. There is ample opportunity to go in what ever direction they want. Yes Trenticles and spiderpig will start off doing some arb job, yes they will get bored and then have to change and do something else.
Who am I to lay blame hell I did my degree (which is worthless here) at 40.
Me I just want to sit in the bush and drink beer.  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 07, 2019, 11:57:17 pm
Ok To continue with the outback Story.

Every now and again “deep thinkers” or philosophers and people that deem themselves to be intelligent, take a “time-out” and submerge themselves into a near catatonic state of meditation. This should evoke some sort of soul searching where they question the world around them. I happen to be neither a philosopher or Intelligent, and the deepest thought I had lately was related to a swimming pool which then, by pure coincidence, made me think of a poem I read once.

she dug,
he dug,
we dug
and they dug ...

it’s not a very long poem but its deep..

Wow drifted off the topic there…. sorry about that….
I do however know how to take some “time-out” and I can coerce myself into a “similar” state, yes its more expensive and the after effects will probably cause sorosis of the liver, but I get pretty much the same results.
An added benefit of my (obvously) far superior method to achieving this state I have found that group therapy also helps. You merely require 3 simple things
1.   Friends
2.   Music,
3.   A cooler box full of Booze. Mix them all together and BOOM. You can ask any questions you like.
Chances are pretty good the you are going to get an answer that you probably don’t want to hear. (I said its a superior method not perfect)

See even us simpletons living on an island can enjoy group hugs, loud talking, ramblings of an idiot and finding the real use for a white board marker. (dont ask)

In this state of “meditation” If you were to be honest with yourself and took yourself into a quiet corner, like a bathroom, and really looked into your soul, and you had to answer this one question. What would your answer be?
Do you really want to look at pictures of other people’s kids?
I mean do you REALLY want to see pictures of some snot encrusted glazed donut missing a tooth, covered in ice cream smiling at a camera?
Is it worth the effort to do the ooohhhs and aaahhs at the correct intervals?
Or would you rather just be honest and say:
“Bud I’m glad you have kids, congratulations on keeping them alive for this long. If you could teach them to fetch beer and pack a cooler box then they can be around, until then please refrain from making me stare at photos on your smart phone”
…… Well I did that, I looked into the mirror and I asked myself 2 questions. (I had time)
"Do you really want to look at pictures of other people’s kids?"
And.
"Why are you looking in the mirror without your glasses when you can’t see shit?"
The Answers, as in life, came in reverse.
I couldn’t find my glasses, and It depends.
It depends because I actually like kids.
I like them more when they have a personality and can wipe their own asses.
I like them a lot more when they can contribute to a conversation. And I absolutely love them when they have moved out of the house and have a job….. 
Now that we have established that you don’t actually want to see pictures of other people’s kids….
Shame on you!!! LOL.
Because I have decided to show some pictures of my pride an joy. The miracles that wonder woman grew in her womb.
"David Attenborough voice-over"
"Sitting quietly in flappy paddels you can see the natural depiction of 21st century city kids in the outback"
"These still images portray the deep conversations that are shared between the leader of the pack and his subservients, where he tried to discuss the meaning of life, girls, Pokémon and the vast openness around them where there are no animals and plenty dead psychotic wallabies."
"Let us retreat peacefully until the next installment of the git on the island"
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 08, 2019, 03:57:11 am
Who said manual petrol pump? This is a town time left behind called Nebo. We went through when I was checking up on Turrawulla Road and the pass up to Eungella (pronounced Young-gella.)  Main raison d'etre for Nebo was a police compound to wipe out the local aboriginals. The cage on the back of the Landcruiser is for a pig dog. They still love their hunting.
On our travels into the "outback" we stayed close to a place called Wilcannia.
The name Wilcannia is said to be derived from an Aboriginal term for either 'gap in the bank where floodwaters escape' or 'wild dog'. Neither meaning has been linguistically verified
I got chatting to a Trukkie that used to pass though there quite often and he told me some interesting stories about that place. I wont convey them here but here is a little snippet of its history.
Apparently they built a massive cage just out side of town, and would round up all the males 18 and over on a friday arvo and put them in the cage, supply them with cases of grog and let them at it.
On Saturday afternoon when everyone was hungover and too tired to cause kak they would let them out.

Remember this article is VERY PC.

"It is impossible to write about Wilcannia without discussing what white visitors describe as "the Aboriginal problem". There has long been a perception, fuelled by newspaper reports and images of groups of local Aborigines standing around outside the pubs in the main street, that the town is a hotbed of violence, dysfunctional behaviour and "problems". It is not uncommon to hear, in White Cliffs, Cobar or Broken Hill, people declaring that they drove through Wilcannia and did not stop because it looked so dangerous. And it is very common to hear locals advising visitors not to stop in Wilcannia because it is a dangerous town.

This assessment is simply not true. Historically there was a major problem because very ignorant government officials used Wilcannia as a dumping ground for Aborigines from surrounding areas with no thought (or knowledge) that they belonged to different language groups and were not necessarily going to all live happily ever afterwards. It was not dissimilar to creating a camp in the Balkans and putting a mix of Croats, Serbs, Macedonians and Greeks together because they all look white and surely they will all get along with each other. The potent mix of the local Barkindji with Wangkumara, Danggali, Barindji and Malyangapa people from surrounding areas was deeply divisive and racially insensitive."
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: roxenz on October 08, 2019, 05:24:02 am
Looks like there is more to the outback than just sun, dust and beer. Carry on with educating us. Interesting.

PS. Not sure I dig the poetry...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Ri on October 08, 2019, 06:42:36 am
There may be some dispute about the mother, but those boys are definitely yours :laughing4:

Well done on keeping them alive this long :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: Willem-Ben on October 08, 2019, 10:48:18 am
Thank you agian for the island life update.

Those getaways is what they will remember for the rest of their lives. - Priceless.

Keep it going.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: big oil on October 08, 2019, 07:11:26 pm
Entertaining read, Bozo  :laughing4:

I'm along for the ride, don't let them Australian pricks get you to yell, iirc, "my shout", in a bar, it can get expensive, or so I've heard.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 09, 2019, 03:55:45 am
Looks like there is more to the outback than just sun, dust and beer. Carry on with educating us. Interesting.

PS. Not sure I dig the poetry...
:laughing4:
Its a big place with lots on interesting people and things to see.
Poetry was never my strong point!! :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 09, 2019, 03:57:03 am
There may be some dispute about the mother, but those boys are definitely yours :laughing4:

Well done on keeping them alive this long :thumleft:
:thumleft:
If you stick around for the rest of the SAGA you may start to question that statement  >:D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
Post by: BOZO on October 09, 2019, 03:59:26 am
Entertaining read, Bozo  :laughing4:

I'm along for the ride, don't let them Australian pricks get you to yell, iirc, "my shout", in a bar, it can get expensive, or so I've heard.
Thanks!! Expensive is not the word.... drinking in a bar is purely a quiet occasion....
Lots more stories to come!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: 0012 on October 09, 2019, 04:18:33 pm
awesome, still loving this, bring it on, BOZO!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 10, 2019, 02:43:44 am
AALLLLLLLLLRIGHTY then !!!.
On with the last part of outback story.  (its always good to have a breather)

There is however one additional story that I need to share with you about our great trek into the edge of the vast wilderness of the island. I could attempt to draw parallels between the wild of the outback and camping in Botswana but that would be pathetic. Instead all I can offer is hearsay and my impressions and experiences.
So everyone says that on the Island if you can’t eat it it’s going to try to kill you.
Because there are no natural predators on the island, they have reverted to using 10 gigiabazilion eucalyptus trees, a rule book and Mosquitoes to remove you from this blue planet.
Being a Roff and toff Benoni Boytjie that that you all know me to be I have had a fair share of Outdoor experiences. I can without a shadow of a doubt inform you that I’m not squeamish about most goggas and what not.  :patch:
For those of you that don’t know, I was, in my youth, a cub scout. I had a lot of badges that that my mommy very kindly sewed onto my blanky and kept for me. My “Friends” instead have ‘thoughtfully’ assigned me the tribe name of “he who sits and wee’s and sews”  ???
Laugh if you must, but, guess who is called to the front line when they need a knot tied, or to build a ship from tent material…. That be me mudaeffers!!!  :lol8:
Well we were camping in Wilcannia on the edge of the Billabong (here on the island they don’t know what an oxbow lake is so they called it a billabong) having dinner in the bush kitchen. We were relaxing and listening to the screaming parrots, and daydreaming of Africa’s wild animals, where sitting willy-nilly in the bush without a fire will get you chowed by a multitude of four legged unfriendlys, and if you don’t climb into your tent soon enough then the angry pachyderm’s will make sure you know where your tent is.
ANNNNYYYYWWAAAYYYY. So we sitting at the bush kitchen and reading through the rule book of things you are not to do on the island when Spiderpig decides to look under the table.
WELL Suck-me-sideways. Have you ever seen an eleven-year-old jump backwards so fast he nearly jumped directly out of his skin…. We nearly had a perfect eleven-year-old skin to use as a welcome mat at home.
Trenticles was watching this situation with an eye if distrust and thought that maybe he should just check it out to be sure. WHHOOOOPPP back summi triple flip flop and face plant….We nearly had welcome mats for the front and the back doors.
You must understand the sun has set and I have sucked back 10 of my 12 Victoria Bitters and was not about to leave the comfort of the table, nothing was going to get me moving, this benoni boytjie is fearless remember.
Well Fearless and stupidity are pretty close together and I was fearless until Trenticles and spiderpig were talking to me in half sentences both at the same time. Dad… dad.. dad… dad… Big, Huge….dad,.. its by your knee. Dad… dad…. No really dad… don’t move your leg…….. dad… etc etc..
By now the beers are quickly wearing off and I’ve sobered to a 6 beer level and quickly getting sobererererer by the second. Still, I remained unwavering, my theory is ,what you cant see cant hurt you, and I share these wise words with my offspring.
Trenticles grabs my phone and takes a photo, and shows it to me…..WELL HOLY SHIT BALLS WHAT THE F@#$ IS THAT!! ITS HUGE!!!!!.

I must have looked like a fat man being electrocuted with a defibrillator, while hanging onto a makkers (Mc Donald’s) happy meal, I was outta that bench with a touch of speed, it’s not pretty but it was YouTube worthy. Wonder woman would have had two welcome mats and a car seat cover!! The car seat cover would have needed a visit to the dry cleaners to remove the shit from the woolly side but it at least its wrinkle free.  ;)
10 beers and I could have passed a Breathalyzer with a smile! Talk about a sobering moment. Below is the Picture.………Needless to say we did not need any angry pachyderm’s to send us to bed!!
To Conserve the enviroment and your mental state of mind I have SHRUNK this image to 1/10 of the orignal size. (I’m talking about the spiders size  :lol8:)
 
Those Blue dots in that background are its mother’s eyes (insert your scream emoji here)
 
One last parting shot before I end off. When driving +/-2000km in any country you are going to pass more than a couple of sign boards. In that entire distance I did not see a single sign board with a bullet hole in it!!!! (open season whoop whoop)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Mr Zog on October 10, 2019, 03:19:54 am
I have complete understanding. Yesterday's snake episode, hereafter to be referred to as "the snake incident of 2019" seems very similar.  :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on October 10, 2019, 03:25:33 am
Please keep them that side of the pond! We have very little dangerous spiders here and NO snakes, not even the zoo are allowed snakes.  :o
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 10, 2019, 04:02:33 am
I have complete understanding. Yesterday's snake episode, hereafter to be referred to as "the snake incident of 2019" seems very similar.  :spitcoffee:
:laughing4: :laughing4: When I read your story yesterday I had a good giggle!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Oubones on October 10, 2019, 06:56:41 am
Spiders one side, snakes on the other!
It seems dangerous to immigrate! :lol8:
O ja, here we have both! :peepwall:
Thanks, interesting to get a feel for your life that side!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Maverick on October 10, 2019, 09:26:08 am
Being a total arachnophobe and constantly have to throw either the missus or one of the kids in front of the proverbial spider bus living in the Karoo have exceptional experiences of various gymnastic skills worth gold medals in any event I never knew I had  :biggrin:

Great read keep it coming  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on October 11, 2019, 10:41:51 am
I thought of you, @BOZO and @Maverick, when I found this near my bathroom last night.

This morning I threw my towel over the shower wall, turned on the water and stepped under it. When I turned around, a stealthy movement caught my eye. This one was crawling carefully up the towel and away from me, barely centimetres away. A chilly shudder went through me as I hastily shoo'ed it on its course up and out.

Now, I have no fear of spiders, but this was a bit too close for comfort, and reminded me of that scene from "Psycho" where instead of a knife, a spider flies at me.

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/_NC9A5SutCRUItpiWIXHp1t-apZ1YCUAl-d-k-tBV5T8o1fNR9-Apd6XIBfLZeHV6OJ2qazYrmWYfijyFcsmVWhoOlQ1UjdOA1canCa2gNFDzUxQcuNEu625SSxSCegbKLmOoIAx_OR-jPvqYA6IViQ6C9xiYY5cbgiYQT9-DDxnqZIBCrapoT5_edyCyf0n2veOtNtjp0cDLbtlzPTlZ6vgKBLK8C8tuJ1oObLQarfIkIBivfcgVj2XpJbpwtsmt7kZhcprcfGNcliPTSpLwjpqc9gAju6zZ2hARtvPvy8TMm4zCAvBH4XfpsKxIlqBC52HnI0cgoMsLbC1Hp8YCm17qKIawq9UvZCTdHzg3365leR8pkGyI9v4gfhkq-DIZ5SRNAKMeMVWUXLCKIHym3KB6kQ2PPwDUhzeMKmBKRGgRDvgEx_AJdW4VdX4OHM1VbaD0tyaGgOGScLjvLd_vSE85oafi9Tv46vzt9Bg_sO8W-bPPKghAJAAjzNHyf4Kp5aFw4l4hqEcNkkhNnVR7bCzwr__6g6l6VsLw9dFjLnauOKLPk0U1-AlMy4AvIXBVfxU9HT7j8Gn8TAkYREVaNkWIl8jPNVFdAkyao8Kc2MJYfJ-HwDjDly51CT_swqkjgyITJm_wlB-v3z3GjMRGtv8k4GOTR069wKM0Io1SeOHCvAyLJMorB0PFFkIgpBYrt0qxJsOo_vrNR1Gfs0E18itSkYloBr1FzGEoepp8NhF=w1184-h1578-no)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Maverick on October 11, 2019, 10:45:02 am
I thought of you, @BOZO and @Maverick, when I found this near my bathroom last night.

This morning I threw my towel over the shower wall, turned on the water and stepped under it. When I turned around, a stealthy movement caught my eye. This one was crawling carefully up the towel and away from me, barely centimetres away. A chilly shudder went through me as I hastily shoo'ed it on its course up and out.

Now, I have no fear of spiders, but this was a bit too close for comfort, and reminded me of that scene from "Psycho" where instead of a knife, a spider flies at me.

I trust your insurance covers for the house being burned down @Ri :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on October 11, 2019, 03:13:18 pm
I thought of you, @BOZO and @Maverick, when I found this near my bathroom last night.

This morning I threw my towel over the shower wall, turned on the water and stepped under it. When I turned around, a stealthy movement caught my eye. This one was crawling carefully up the towel and away from me, barely centimetres away. A chilly shudder went through me as I hastily shoo'ed it on its course up and out.

Now, I have no fear of spiders, but this was a bit too close for comfort, and reminded me of that scene from "Psycho" where instead of a knife, a spider flies at me.

I trust your insurance covers for the house being burned down @Ri :biggrin:

 :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Grunder on October 11, 2019, 03:16:52 pm
I thought of you, @BOZO and @Maverick, when I found this near my bathroom last night.

This morning I threw my towel over the shower wall, turned on the water and stepped under it. When I turned around, a stealthy movement caught my eye. This one was crawling carefully up the towel and away from me, barely centimetres away. A chilly shudder went through me as I hastily shoo'ed it on its course up and out.

Now, I have no fear of spiders, but this was a bit too close for comfort, and reminded me of that scene from "Psycho" where instead of a knife, a spider flies at me.

I trust your insurance covers for the house being burned down @Ri :biggrin:

 :imaposer:

Ek sou in my broek K@K!!!!!!!!

Ek haat die goed!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on October 11, 2019, 04:05:09 pm
My reuse groot seun van 21 sou die huis afgebrand het....na hy soos tiener meisietjie gegil het...

Hy doen nie spinnekoppe nie. Kan darem al 'n kakkerlak doodmaak - met my skoen... :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ganjora on October 11, 2019, 04:17:38 pm
forget about a shoe.
get the vacuum cleaner.
with my hoover you hear a solid whack as the bastard hits the side of the drum.
it's the final solution.
 :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on October 11, 2019, 05:18:32 pm
My wife will bliksem me senseless if I use her hoover... :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on October 11, 2019, 05:58:45 pm
I couldn't kill something so beautiful and beneficial to the ecosystem.

Spiders are brilliant creatures.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: jaybiker on October 12, 2019, 03:10:32 pm
I couldn't kill something so beautiful and beneficial to the ecosystem.

Spiders are brilliant creatures.



Except for the 'beautiful' 'brilliant' creature that put me in hospital and made me a sweating, shivering weakling for a couple of weeks.

I'd cheerfully kill that little fucker!   :cussing:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on October 12, 2019, 03:35:47 pm
I couldn't kill something so beautiful and beneficial to the ecosystem.

Spiders are brilliant creatures.



Except for the 'beautiful' 'brilliant' creature that put me in hospital and made me a sweating, shivering weakling for a couple of weeks.

I'd cheerfully kill that little fucker!   :cussing:

, you shouldn’t have gotten in the spiders way

The most poisonous spider in my neck of the woods is the Brown Recluse. 

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191012/59e045706bdfd58f5edac82db2a60115.jpg)

After effect

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191012/b343c6123901a9b6084384213c9c3455.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191012/b2f8289c5c7e217227d868a0280f6eb0.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191012/6787e8f813950ebfa17429a5bb714204.jpg)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: tau on October 13, 2019, 08:02:23 pm
Awesome read. I spent 2 weeks in Northern Queensland beginning September. I just stopped ordering coffee after day 2.

Went fishing and almost stepped on a snake .

Stayed in many guesthouses that had no possibility of locking the backdoor or windows.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 13, 2019, 10:28:21 pm
forget about a shoe.
get the vacuum cleaner.
with my hoover you hear a solid whack as the bastard hits the side of the drum.
it's the final solution.
 :thumleft:
You mad, what if it survives the ordeal. and it comes back. ANGRY...... Its easier to move countries.  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 13, 2019, 10:30:22 pm
The most poisonous spider  in my neck of the woods is the Brown Recluse. ......

That's not pretty. not pretty at all.  :'(
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 13, 2019, 10:34:28 pm
I thought of you, @BOZO and @Maverick, when I found this near my bathroom last night.

This morning I threw my towel over the shower wall, turned on the water and stepped under it. When I turned around, a stealthy movement caught my eye. This one was crawling carefully up the towel and away from me, barely centimetres away. A chilly shudder went through me as I hastily shoo'ed it on its course up and out.

Now, I have no fear of spiders, but this was a bit too close for comfort, and reminded me of that scene from "Psycho" where instead of a knife, a spider flies at me.

AWWWWWW HEEEELLLLLLLLLLL NAAAAAAA..... that's a good case for dialing 000, get the fire department, police, ambulance, and while you are at it call S.W.A.T  :imaposer:
 
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on October 16, 2019, 03:58:59 am
The most poisonous spider  in my neck of the woods is the Brown Recluse. ......

That's not pretty. not pretty at all.  :'(

I'd like to lick the wound to see what it tastes like......
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 16, 2019, 04:41:01 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4:  :confused4: :brushteeth:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 17, 2019, 10:04:54 am
It’s 19 degrees, not bad for October, the time had just gone 15:15. And it was a Sunday afternoon. It felt much like any other Sunday afternoon.
Well not really, peace had descended in the household of the family on the island. Trenticles was at a basketball game dressed in his mullet mafia outfit.
Spiderpig was in his room trying to learn to play his newly acquired guitar, hopefully filled with dreams of playing like slash from guns and roses . Wonder Woman was multitasking, doing washing, searching for a dog on her iPad, watching the rugby and some other kak.
I was almost horizontal on the lazy boy, being, literally, a lazy boy, my attention was glued to the tv, watching a world cup rugby game. To keep my energy levels at peak performance I was busy eating left over steak from the night before’ s braai smothered in my “world famous” chilli sauce. (trust me its pretty good)
While I was in mid bliss steak chew, I heard something outside the back door. I leant back and looked through the sliding door and literally shat my fucking pants.  All the joy of steak eating and rugby watching was ripped from my feeble mind.
In one swift, unfortunately not smooth, move I launched from my semi catatonic state into a something that looked like a three legged cheetah chasing after a rabbit on a greyhound race track.
Wonder woman, who, after almost 20 years of marriage, had not seen such dexterity from this wobbling mass of human flesh was left wide eyed, mouth hanging open like a Venus fly trap and stunned in my wake. 
By the time wonder woman realized that I was not going for an emergency shit all she could hear was the fading sound of my foot thongs going fap, fap, fap around the corner of the house as I sprinted to fetch the hosepipe from the front garden.
You see in the back corner of said garden, there was an inferno going on. The flames were about 2 meters high and growing rapidly!!!
With the blaze increasing by the second there was no time to dilly dally and I hurriedly connected the hose and started to attempt to subdue this hot angry beast from hell. < wow that’s pretty dramatic if I do say so myself
If you think that the story ends there  you would be wrong. You see the hose pipe that we bought 2 years ago was originally 10 meters long. Over time it has gradually become shorter as random people walking past cut pieces of to make bongs. It so happened that on this particular day, this was a problem. I stuck my finger into the end of the pipe to get the water to reach the blaze but it was not giving a satisfactory result. Wonder Woman was now standing next to me with a salad bowl in her hands said in her best “I’m not panicking” voice. “What can I do?”
In a staggered stuttering answer where my brain was working faster than my mouth I managed to tell her to get the thingy-ma-bob that fits onto the end of the hose so that I could spray the raging fire that was now starting to burn the neighbours shed. In a flash still with the salad bowl in her hand she was back and we worked like a well oiled machine to assemble and continue our fire fighting efforts. Eventually after copious amounts of water and smoke I had won a battle of epic proportions (20% -40% added for drama) the fire was out and we could asses the damage. Not pretty comes to mind. Lucky the shed was aluminium and the biggest problem is the paint that has blackened and peeled. The fence on the other had will need to be replaced…. URGH…… oh and my compost pit is now just a burned pit of coals……   
We eventually made it back inside to finnish  watching the rugby, I had to reheat my steak, but just could not get back into my lazy boy state again…
Oh well. Ended up being quite a different Sunday evening.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on October 17, 2019, 04:09:34 pm
:eek:

Did your compost heap spontaneously combust?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on October 17, 2019, 06:41:18 pm
:eek:

Did your compost heap spontaneously combust?

They do that. So does hay bales...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on October 17, 2019, 08:44:26 pm
:eek:

Did your compost heap spontaneously combust?

They do that. So does hay bales...

Yip, compost heaps generate methane gas, and can reach up to high 70 degree celsius, so give just the right combination and poof.

Lots of independant farmers in the US actually uses compost heaps to heat pipes running through it for various things (greenhouse heating, water heating etc)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 17, 2019, 10:18:28 pm
I'm not sure what started it, but I'm just happy that I was there to stop it. Those fences burn quickly and with quite an intense heat. The end result could have been very different. :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 17, 2019, 10:46:04 pm
Time to continue with the stories.
So we are now at the beginning of 2017 Life on the island is still not easy, I am swinging in an out of i know i made the right decision to move here but I would rather be back home.
These thoughts are made worse when Wonder Woman's dad passed away from cancer. She was obviously heart broken, and I was taking big strain as we were quite close aswell.
The hardest part about being so distant and having a huge time gap is when this kind of thing happens. Ask anyone that has immigrated and they will agree.

AAAAAAAnnnnnnnnd GO!

Life as we know it is a funny thing. As soon as you think It’s all going well something comes up behind you and gives you a RFS from behind.
_________________________________________________________________________________
2017 did not start out as all fun and games and we suffered a terrible loss in the family, Nikki’s Dad, John, Passed away. 
He was a Legend of a Man, Father, Father-in-law, Grandfather and Friend and I truly respected and loved him with all my heart and mind.
I have many fun and memorable stories that I could share about John but I feel that this is not the forum to tell these stories, so all I will say is rest in peace John you are missed every day by many many people.
________________________________________________________________________________
Hold on to your panties because today’s is a ripper… as in rip off, like I’m stealing your time.
During the long flight back to the Island from the motherland I had time to reassess my priorities, my first priority was to make a list of my priorities.
The problem with flying cattle class is you don’t really have any space to write anything down. If you are, how do I put this gently, FAT, there is even less space. Now combine FAT and TALL and you have even less space. Also I didn’t have a piece of paper to write on.
So I reprioritized my priorities and decided to make a list of them but instead of writing them down I memorized them with the intent to write them down as soon as I remembered. 
Needless to say, I forgot what those priorities were, but, I felt it necessary that you know I at least thought about them and prioritized them.
14 hours stuck in a pressurized sardine can facing the back of a chair can do little wonders for your psyche. Thoughts about Deep Vein Thrombosis or “DVT”, as us jetsetters like to call it, settle in and once you go down that rabbit hole you are in trouble. They give you a reference card with exercises to do while sitting in your chair. I’ve seen a 20kg baby strapped in a car seat in a Mini with more space to move. When reading these reference cards I believe that the artist that drew these pictures had never made used of Leonardo da Vinci’s Vitruvian man and does not understand the general principles of proportions, and, the saying that size does matter. If your mind is not already in the gutter I would help you but I’m trying to keep this clean so………instead I’m reminded of a quote that Paul (not family of Dean Elgar the cricketer) a world renounced ….oops.. renowned engineer used to use when it looked like he was going to lose an argument “Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world” (Archimedes) … He also used this a lot so I had to share it aswell.
“'n grap is 'n grap, maar jy maak nie n sambreel in n man se hol oop nie” loosely translated to
“A joke is a joke, but you do not open an umbrella in a man's ass”
SO YES Size Does Matter……
 I tried to spend some time checking out the airhostess but flying with Qantas limits you to three 50+ year old Sheela’s with sore feet and a diminutive sense of humour. The rest are men that are trying desperately to look like Patrick Swayze in Pricilla Queen of the Desert. It’s a long flight (did I mention this already) but, on the bright side, the island that’s shaped like scoobydoo’s head was calling us, as well as our offspring that we could not give away. Trenticles was eating his way through Marty and Bones’s as well as Nicola’s house, Spiderpig was suffering from vitamin d deficiency and wonder woman was missing her kids. Me… I was missing Peter Stuyvesant Blues and Castle Lager already.
 
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder, but a quick visit to customs helps to solve that problem. To be honest it didn’t take a lot of convincing to know I have made the right decision. When I got to the passport control the chap helping me behind the counter looked like he was stuck on a lazyboy, where the seat mechanizim was broken and the backrest cant go back up. After speaking to him for almost 30 seconds it was clear that its not the chair that’s the broken, it’s the entire government and the attitude that goes with it. With the call of Africa fading slowly in my heart, and a tear in my eye it was time to accept that my future is on the Island, and to really make this work I need to look to the future, but never forget my roots, family and friends.
AAANNNNYYYYYWWAAAYYYYY moving along swiftly, like an errant arrow shot into a tropical storm in the middle of the night, we never will know where this story is really going.

To make a change one needs to jump start it with something meaningful and habit breaking, it should shock the system so that you know it’s changed both mentally and physically.
I could lick 9-volt battery, I could eat lots of chillies, I could buy a RENAULT, but we all know that that’s never going to happen.
Instead I have stopped drinking and smoking, for a while. This momentous effort has been made easier with the help of the Australian Government as this letter will elaborate on at some stage. When a person does these ridiculous things, one has instantly more time on one’s hands. Gone are the Braai’s, gone are the socializing with friends, watching sport on TV on a Saturday afternoon. You try talking to strangers without some liquid courage backed up by a quick smoke. This new found time availability conundrum has me writing letters, jogging and parenting. How…… incredibly…… boring…… although I do sneak looks at the latest motorbike websites a lot more now. I think I need to start studying again…… whahahahahahahahahhahahahahah. That’s never going to happen.

 
Anyway I’m into my 3rd week of water and salty cracks, I’m debating that 9-volt battery and chillies, but never the RENALUT. And while I was jogging yesterday, I decided to share this with you. The actual point of this letter…..

Coming up
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on October 18, 2019, 03:32:50 am
"Instead I have stopped drinking and smoking, for a while. "

Yuda man, bra, you got this
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: jaybiker on October 18, 2019, 07:25:29 am
Jeez, but I'm glad I started reading (relatively) early this morning!  :sip: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Herklaas on October 18, 2019, 09:25:19 am
Please keep them that side of the pond! We have very little dangerous spiders here and NO snakes, not even the zoo are allowed snakes.  :o

 :bueller: Jeez what a boring flippen place  :pot:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Herklaas on October 18, 2019, 09:27:45 am
I thought of you, @BOZO and @Maverick, when I found this near my bathroom last night.

This morning I threw my towel over the shower wall, turned on the water and stepped under it. When I turned around, a stealthy movement caught my eye. This one was crawling carefully up the towel and away from me, barely centimetres away. A chilly shudder went through me as I hastily shoo'ed it on its course up and out.

Now, I have no fear of spiders, but this was a bit too close for comfort, and reminded me of that scene from "Psycho" where instead of a knife, a spider flies at me.

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/_NC9A5SutCRUItpiWIXHp1t-apZ1YCUAl-d-k-tBV5T8o1fNR9-Apd6XIBfLZeHV6OJ2qazYrmWYfijyFcsmVWhoOlQ1UjdOA1canCa2gNFDzUxQcuNEu625SSxSCegbKLmOoIAx_OR-jPvqYA6IViQ6C9xiYY5cbgiYQT9-DDxnqZIBCrapoT5_edyCyf0n2veOtNtjp0cDLbtlzPTlZ6vgKBLK8C8tuJ1oObLQarfIkIBivfcgVj2XpJbpwtsmt7kZhcprcfGNcliPTSpLwjpqc9gAju6zZ2hARtvPvy8TMm4zCAvBH4XfpsKxIlqBC52HnI0cgoMsLbC1Hp8YCm17qKIawq9UvZCTdHzg3365leR8pkGyI9v4gfhkq-DIZ5SRNAKMeMVWUXLCKIHym3KB6kQ2PPwDUhzeMKmBKRGgRDvgEx_AJdW4VdX4OHM1VbaD0tyaGgOGScLjvLd_vSE85oafi9Tv46vzt9Bg_sO8W-bPPKghAJAAjzNHyf4Kp5aFw4l4hqEcNkkhNnVR7bCzwr__6g6l6VsLw9dFjLnauOKLPk0U1-AlMy4AvIXBVfxU9HT7j8Gn8TAkYREVaNkWIl8jPNVFdAkyao8Kc2MJYfJ-HwDjDly51CT_swqkjgyITJm_wlB-v3z3GjMRGtv8k4GOTR069wKM0Io1SeOHCvAyLJMorB0PFFkIgpBYrt0qxJsOo_vrNR1Gfs0E18itSkYloBr1FzGEoepp8NhF=w1184-h1578-no)

 :sip: Harmless rain spider.  :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on October 18, 2019, 11:26:23 am
:sip: Harmless rain spider.  :spitcoffee:

Maybe so, but my son will still burn down the whole street block....
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ganjora on October 18, 2019, 12:14:01 pm
:bueller: Jeez what a boring flippen place  :pot:

i agree,  but that's why they went there.   that's exactly what they want.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 18, 2019, 10:34:49 pm
:bueller: Jeez what a boring flippen place  :pot:

i agree,  but that's why they went there.   that's exactly what they want.
Heads down.... shots fired....


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 20, 2019, 07:48:22 am
Ok,, is it safe to continue?. :imaposer:

Our offspring have been playing club cricket, as there is no school cricket here, if you want to do a sport you need to join a club, which makes it interesting. Trenticles plays on a Friday evening and Spiderpig on a Saturday morning. As the Cricket season is draws to a close we will have Friday evenings and Saturday mornings available again. Not that we were doing much with that available time anyway, besides cleaning the house and washing clothes. I’m sure that Trenticles and Spiderpig will be doing some form of winter sport when the time arrives. The jury is still out on what the sport will be and who gets to pick it. Someone is in for a surprise when they find out that PlayStation is not a sport, LOL.
Back to the cricket: Following an indefinite technology ban during the week and compounded by Spiderpig’s unwillingness to participate in anything physical, it has been somewhat of a challenge to extract Spiderpig from his cave on a Saturday morning.  If it doesn’t involve a laptop, minesweeper, internet, YouTube or lying in bed, occasionally interrupted by trips to the kitchen or bathroom, it’s not going to happen.
Being the awesome parents that we are, we turn a blind eye to the hangdog walk, droopy shoulders and lower lip that extends out so far he could pull it over his head like a swimming cap. On the really bad mornings we even get a bit of a limp. We ignore all of that and motivate him in bright cheery voices. There are constant time updates from 7:30am with small chores to progress getting spiderpig ready. 
“Max, its 7:30 get dressed”
“Max, its 7:40 get dressed and have breakfast”
“Max, its 7:50 put your shoes on, and what about suntan lotion?”
For those of you that would like to learn something out of this, the key here, is to give short instructions, no more than two at a time. As you get closer to the time of departure, you could issue three instructions, but if that’s the case you should have started earlier. ANNNNYYYYWAYYY this goes on until about 8:15.
Then the orders/requests become a little more urgent and fire out every minute or so with reminders of future and past time updates.
“Max its 8:15, I asked you 5 minutes ago to brush your teeth, and make your bed, have you combed your hair?”
“Max its 8:17, have made your bed? And combed your hair? We are leaving in 3 minutes”
“Max its 8:19, I’m walking to the car hurry up, no I don’t care that you need to poo”
“Max its 8:25, are you finished having a poo?”
Eventually I wonder if I can get away with beating him in the car with a telephone book and a gum guard. (braces are expensive). We jump into the Silver Bullet and accelerate to a sedate law abiding 50km/h and merge into the taffis at a safe following distance to get to the cricket venue.
Every weekend, we manage to get to the game on time and unscathed. In addition to all of this weekly drama spiderpig actually enjoys it, and has had a pretty good season, with him taking quite a few wickets, some amazing catches and slowly getting pretty good at his batting. In the last game they played he was called into bat at 8th position. The fielding side were the typical chirpy Aussies we have come to expect, throwing sledges left right and centre. Spiderpig, kitted up in his hand-me-down cricket kit and pants that are a touch too long for him, walked onto the field. He looked like a kid walking to the principal’s office for 6 of the best. He was sweating and frazzled, his eyes were spinning in his head. This was not a place he wanted to be, entirely out of his comfort zone. The coach is shouting instructions from the side of the field, his teammates are giving him horns in their supportive aussie way, (go mate, hit the big ones maaaate, etc.) and one of them is doing a handstand in the background.
There is no showing the umpire a zap sign and looking for the middle stump, no drawing a line on the pitch with his takkie to show the bowler where the ball must go. He just steps up and he is in the firing line. The balls are coming at him in quick-fire succession…
This is no longer a game!!!! This is a fight for survival, he is getting peppered. This red cannon ball, this instrument of pain, is going to be leaving red marks everywhere. After facing 2 overs, that’s 12 133g high-powered red bullets ricocheting off the ground, he has made three boundaries. By the look on his face he has just survived round one of space invaders with a tennis ball and 6 Matric’s with nothing better to do.
His batting partner walks across the pitch and chats to him….
“hey mate, ya goin at a fair dinkim pace, looks like your batting above your average today”
Far be it for me to say but I could see the change in the young lad. All of a sardine he realizes that he is not dead. This insane sport that he’s forced to play weekly could actually be fun.
He stands up a bit straighter and looks down the pitch with what appears to be “aggression” and squares up to face his attacker. The ball screams down the pitch, bounces and goes directly for his head, spiderpig relies on his PlayStation honed reflexes and pulls the bat up to protect his head, the ball hits the middle of the bat and scuttles off between two dozing Aussies for another four….. His team mates are sitting in stunned silence, the coach is smiling, and the handstand candidate is now trying to do a cartwheel.
Ladies and Gents, now we have a game on our hands. Like Hussain Bolt, in front of a TV camera, Spiderpig is strutting round the pitch with his trusty ball beating machine. Nothing is going to stop him now. NOTHING……..
His batting partner, inspired by Spiderpig’s sudden stroke of talent, also wants in on this action and lobs the ball into the vicinity of mid-wicket, silly mid leg-side, close to the long off boundary night watchmen. It’s miss fielded and they are off on a mad 22m dash for the white line. Low and behold, Spiderpig realizes that he is not Hussain Bolt, well he could be, if it was not for all the pads and the heavy wooden stick that he has to carry. He gets to about 20m when this red cannonball screams passed him and removes his right to remain on the field. He looks at the umpire for that all too familiar finger showing him the directions to the shower. Well that doesn’t matter anymore, he is now a batting legend, he has made 18 runs, it’s a personal best. He looks like a Cheshire cat, it’s all braces encrusted teeth and cracked lips. I couldn’t have been more proud of that young whippersnapper. THAAATS MY BOY! Its days like this that make weeks of getting up early, running a manual clock and check list, worth it. Little does he know that we will be doing all over again next season. He he he. He is going to be sooooo pissed off.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on October 20, 2019, 08:17:24 am
You may be proud of the young un!  :thumleft:

Love it. Sounds a lot like me at 13 when I started playing myself. No parents by my side though...good on you for being there.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on October 20, 2019, 08:23:37 am
Whahaha! That was freaking hilarious!  :imaposer: Sprogs consist of 100% contradiction, love & hate, hope & despair, pride & disgust, etc.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on October 20, 2019, 08:34:47 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :imaposer:

Maaaan thanks for taking time to share this. It's the tiny revenges that keeps one going ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on October 20, 2019, 06:29:35 pm
:bueller: Jeez what a boring flippen place  :pot:

i agree,  but that's why they went there.   that's exactly what they want.

 :snorting:  :kermit: :la: :tearyeyed: :tearyeyed: :dummy :wave:

BOZO, don’t concern yourself with opinions from midget sheep with Short Mans Syndrome  :imaposer:

Awesome story about your boy playing a game I’ve not ever seen!

Thanks! It was like I was there, bra!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 21, 2019, 08:51:20 am
But wait there’s more to this story. So much more…. ;)
We are walking back to the car and there is lots of back slapping and well done’s being passed around. Ice cold water and chips and dip are the order of the day to celebrate this momentous occasion. We jump in the car and start driving, only then do I notice a piece of paper under my windscreen wiper.
They say in life that every person has a place in the universe, some people are bullied at school, some are the bullies, some get over it and move on and some never do, those that can’t move on fester in a stage of seeking revenge and eventually find rewarding careers where they can get their own back.
Back on the Motherland those jobs are typically reserved for the slow moving government officials at home affairs and postal workers the worst kind being reserved for a special division called "Speed cops", you know the type, they sit lekker and bak ballas in the sun in their karkie pant and shirt, wif their shiny badges and their air of self-importance. The type to spot an innocent 9-year-old victim turning left at a stop sign without coming to a complete stop, they jump out and issue a fine, well that’s what it was like in the old days anyways, now they have moved on and its actually become quite a lucrative job, there is still a lot of ballas to be bakked, but, now it’s on the side of the hi-way with a laser pointer and an FNB bank bag to hold all the insta cash that gets pushed through a slit on the driver’s side window. It’s like having a travelling ATM with no card or pin number. Yes, I suppose there is some kind of effort involved where every now and again you have to put down your "sponsored" KFC and wave to a stop a car, but that’s only for the rookies, once you move up in the ranks and get your own office, all you have to do is close your office door in order to place the money into your bank bag, not for discretion mind you, it’s so that your work colleagues won’t get jealous of your day’s takings.
Here on the Island in the world of "officialdom" and being a government employee is different, being a law enforcement officer is a revered occupation.
Chances are still pretty good that you were probably bullied at school, or you just liked to dress up as a kid, or you are into guns and this is the only job where you can legally carry weapons. Here in the land of footy, kangaroos and koala bears being a Speed Cop (traffic law enforcement officer) is acceptable and people will even talk to you at a local BBQ. But even on the Island there is a special position for the inconsolable, revenge seeking miscreants: Metermaids, parking attendants, douche bags, scrotum face, call them whatever you want. We have them here too.
They sneak around in tarmac camouflaged clothing floating just below the surface, unnoticeable to the normal every day tax paying citizen. When they see the reverse lights illuminating from a car backing into a no parking zone, excitement and adrenalin quickens the pace of their hearts pumping the black molasses through their veins. They retreat into darkened driveways rubbing their hands in delight as they know they will be making some happy family very very sad that evening. Using their bat-like ears to pick up the soft thud of the door closing (clearly not a RENAULT, or LandRover) and the fading crunch of gravel underfoot as their victim walks away, their breathing quickens to a pace usually reserved for passionate moments. The “bleep bleep” of the car alarm reassures the owner that with that sound that their trusty, all be it not too pretty in my case, mode of transport is safe and will be there when they return, for the metermaid/pussbag this serves as a confirmation that the pre-printed ticket can be inserted under the windscreen wiper without being spotted. If cars had feelings I’m sure that it must feel like a blade being inserted under your fingernail, slowly, all the way up to the cuticle.
Like a ladyboy going for an extra tip, this lowlife-oxygen-stealing-life-form can suck the positive energy from your soul. This is the kind of person that pinches babies to make them cry and then blames it on the babysitter just to watch them squirm. These peanut encrusted turds walk among us as they emerge out of the shadows, meander up to the car, deface it with a ticket and disappear. Like a beer and biltong fart in a smoking room, they return back below the surface of the tarmac in search of another victim. 

While I was watching Spiderpig have a life changing moment on the sports field, my car was getting defaced with said piece of paper. I will be keeping this piece of paper, as it’s a very expensive piece of paper. My $155.00 parking ticket!!!! REALLY REALLY REALLY……… REALLY……. in Beer terms that’s 3 cases of beer on the island and 8 cases in South Africa. Fuck man!!!! On the bright side lucky I’m not smoking or drinking any more……

And finally check the picture below!!!
If I lose enough weight I will be able to wear my Blue Bulls supporters Jersey and call the other supporter on the island..
I’m sure by next time I write Wonder Woman will be even more successful, Spiderpig will have a sport selected that includes physical exertion and Trenticles will be looking flash like a rat with a gold tooth. :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 22, 2019, 08:42:19 pm
In light of our earlier discussions about our friends with 8 legs.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on October 22, 2019, 09:04:58 pm
 :laughing4: :imaposer: Arachnophopia10
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 23, 2019, 02:38:59 am
So this happened recently in Victoria (where I live)

https://7news.com.au/news/vic/fines-victoria-software-problem-may-leave-328m-hole-in-budget-c-517221 (https://7news.com.au/news/vic/fines-victoria-software-problem-may-leave-328m-hole-in-budget-c-517221)

Issues merging Victoria’s court fines system with the centralised fines system has led to a delay in payments for more than 100,000 fines, adding up to hundreds of millions of dollars waiting to be paid to the Victorian government.

Reports estimate the amount of outstanding fines sits as high as $700m, with 120,000 fines going unpaid.

The issue stems from the system used by Fines Victoria, called View, which has been a problem since it launched at the end of 2017.

---------------------------------

if you do the math quick and then convert that to I donno ZAR at 10.01 to the $ you get..
$700 000 000 > R 7,006,475,700.00

Bet you eishkom and the rest would like that kind of cash injection into their coffers....  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 26, 2019, 07:14:05 am
Ok so I'm sure that you saw that I was quite upset at getting a parking ticket.
Money was tight and I was bitter.... Also I thought and actually still think that the Justice system is out of whack on the island.
For instance.
If you are driving around in a car that has no Paid up Rego. The fine is like $600 and probably some demerit points. Remember the Rego Costs $800.
Then on the news the other day some dude gets caught in a stolen car, he has drugs in his car (to sell) and he gets a $500 fine an six months suspended sentence.
I dont know its just insane.
Ok done, bitching session over.
oh wait one more thing....
So I went to the shop the other day with Trenticels, (17 years old)  we were buying bread milk and some other kak. At the till I asked the guy for a box of smokes.
here is the kicker....
Because Trenticels is under 18 he refused to serve me. I could not buy anything,...... I laughed at him and said. Really? he said yep, sorry pal. So I sent Trenticels out the shop.
Guess what... sorry for you no service. wont sell me anything.
 :dousing:





Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 26, 2019, 07:27:19 am
So, its March 2017 ALREADY!!! And lots of people are having Birthday parties. A special mention needs to go out to those that have crested the 40-year mark and are now on a swift downward slope to retirement, dementia, wobbly bits that point down instead of up and paying university fees. The ageing process has never really bothered me. I grew up in the 80’s where reaching 50 was considered an achievement. Now that I’m less than 10 years away from an age I was never supposed to get to. I have had to contemplate life and the answers that it dishes out now and again. Some of them being hard knocks and lessons learned. Depending on your disposition (sunny or not) you can let these lessons make you more cautious, become despondent, develop into a naysayer and even god forbid become bitter. Or you can be like the other people on social media sites like Facebook and post happy pictures, cute little sayings, and positive motivational notes. Kind of reminds me of the Mormons in Benoni ringing the gate bell on a Saturday morning just as I was opening an ICE Cold Castle Light preparing for the Rugby (light before 12, full strength after 12), asking for some time to save my life….LOL in retrospect I should have put pants on before I went out there to have a chinnywag with them….
So its edging towards a year on the island, and life’s lessons dished out have been hard and plenty. Sure not all have been bad, some have been great and rewarding, but this is not a Facebook post and for this section you can stick that motivational claptrap where the sun don’t shine. 
My feelings at the moment is summed up in this parable.
An elderly Mormon asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Ok maybe its not that that bad but I had to find a Mormon Joke and this was close. Also getting to one hundred is not on the cards. Ever!
SHEEEEEWWWW WEEEEEEE deep hey???? Well the first bit anyway. Nobody wants to read that kak anyway…..So on the island I have gone mostly more than a month with no doping and no smoking. Just think I started smoking 20 years ago because of peer pressure and now I’m stopping because of peer pressure. I’m out there running every day (well almost) my “branawyn tan” is fading and my lungs are sucking in fresh crisp ocean air blown in directly from the Tasman Sea, charging my red blood cells with sweet oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Apparently my eyes have cleared from being bloodshot and my body is stronger than it’s been since Julie and Wonder Woman forced 14 other people walk for 5 days carrying a house on their backs. While all you gym bunnies out there are high fiving each other, giving that nod of approval to each other that says, well done china we have converted another one. The other people out there are reading this thinking “what the fuck?” In fact, those people (the normal ones) have gone back and are reading this paragraph again just to make sure they didn’t read it wrong.
Today there is no exciting story about Easter bunnies, no pictures of unicorns farting rainbows, no drunken cheers to the Bundaberg pirates and no XXXX beer jokes. Today I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel for some interesting to tell you.
Any story involving exercise, no beer and no smoking is without doubt going to be incredibly boring. Think about it……Have you ever been totally engrossed in a group discussion where a two oceans marathon runner takes you through the trials and tribulations of the preparations and build-up of getting to race day. And then yada yada yada yada yada yada……. Sorry I can’t go on, even thinking about its is boring.…...BUT.. Shorten that distance by say 99% add a fat flat footed sasquatch that can’t run and you are building up to the basics for an interesting tale of self-discovery and human suffering that will endure forever, in these pages anyway. I’m starting to feel like that Mormon joke.….My story has no “race day “ending, there is no medal to hang in the trophy cabinet next to the Scouts badges, there is only the narcissistic ramblings of a deteriorating mind.
AAANNNYYYYYWWWAAAYYYYYYY running does have its advantages. If we were like dogs, there would be more advantages for sure! Have you ever seen a dog go for a run? Have you seen how happy they are? I wondered the other day what they think about when they run. I’m sure Dog are like “Ooohh look a tree, ooh look another tree, Car, Car, Car, I need to piss on that pole. I need to shit. Ooohh look tree” and so on until they get back and they wait patiently until the next run.
When it comes to jogging, some people out there are the same I suppose, and that’s fine I’m happy for them.
When I run, it gives me time to myself to think about other stuff. Not stuff like a dog, that would be stupid!!. Me I’m different, I’m like. “Just make it to that lamppost!! Well done! Now make it to that next lamppost, don’t die here, is that an uphill? oh my god, eina my shins are sore, this was eaiser when I was 15, look at that tree, Car, Car, Car, I need to shit.”  And that’s only after the first 200m, after that I’m into a steady rhythm of hyperventilating, limping and moaning. Someday’s my body fights with me and refuses to sweat, others I sweat like a drug trafficker at Sydney international airport. Eventually I manage to hammer out about 5km in 40 minutes. Not very impressive I know, so now you gym bunnies can retract those premature high fives and reverse those nods of approval and save them for someone else. This 40-year-old body is going to take a loooong time to get to 5.5km. yep running is great I love it.!!!! On one of these mini marathons of human endurace while I was having a rest between lampposts a bus nearly ran me over and I saw this sign on side advertising “The Bodyguard the musical”.
This got me thinking about my High School plays and my potential budding career in acting. I scored a couple of roles in school plays, but alas, it seems there never was, or will be, a need for my acting gifts beyond those hallowed walls. I wanted to become the next Arnold Schwarzenegger, acting in a Si-Fi thriller about sentient robots battling to survive on the salt mines in Walvis Bay. Can you imagine the harsh conditions? The constant threat of rust? Man I would have been awesome, armed with 2 cans of WD40 helping the robots make it to the next dry season…...
As time passed I gained some weight (from 65kg topping of at 73kg) and I watched more action movies, Arnie was getting old and there were better, cooler people I wanted to be. I then believed that I looked like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, running barefoot over glass shards with reckless abandon, shooting bad guys called Hans Gruber and shouting “Yippie-Ki-Yay, Motherfucker!!!”
I suppose, looking back, I probably ended up looking like a combination of Angela Lansbury in “Murder she wrote” hammering away at an old royal typewriter and the fat man climbing a staircase from “Jake and the Fatman”.  Now take that imagery and add a Benoni accent bru!.
Oh well a man’s gotta dream…… I guess that’s why I’m a computer jerk now…..
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 26, 2019, 07:43:04 am

So Back to The Bodyguard the Musical.
Did you know, The move came out in 1992. That’s 25 years ago…
25 years ago, South Africa flew under the old flag (just stating a fact) and the scope magazine still had stars on the models titties.
Even the thought of an inter-racial kiss on the big screen was mind blowing, forbidden, Skaandal, a cause for extra donations on Sundays.
But back at the ranch when no-one was around to judge, EVERYBODY wanted to see this shit go down. And I mean EVERYBODY. Ya even you!!! You know who you are!!!
As we have seen, Keven Costner never fully recovered from that movie and went on to act in movies like WaterWorld where he grew gills and learned to swim.
Before that he was Robin Hood.
I can’t say that this was a result of the movie but Witney Huston never really recovered from singing with a quivering bottom lip or over exaggerating almost every word in a song. 
Aaaannnnnndddddd iiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiii will alwayyyyyyyYYYYYYYyysssssSSSSSSssssssSSSS love yoooouuuuuuuUUUUUUUuuuuuUUUUUuuuuuuuUUUUUU
And I will never recover from her singing either, I have to drown that noise out with Metallica, Guns and Roses, AC DC.
Now 25 years later there is a new flag flying (again just stating a fact) and most of this stuff has become normalized, seeing inter-racial couples together is normal and life goes on…..
On the island, only second glances or comments that are made behind shielded hands are about matching tattoos, or who should be wearing the ear-rings. Nobody cares anymore.
So why? Why, I ask, are they now making a musical about a singer with a quivering lip and a dude that has gills????
All of this happened while I was resting at a lamppost. It was either a long rest or I think really really quickly!!!!
Like an itch that’s got to be scratched and won’t go away I developed a morbid curiosity about this "Musical" and I had to find out more.
So like all great researches in the 21st century I googled it..
True it’s not exciting like the four newly discovered Elements 113, 115, 117, and 118 officially named nihonium (Nh), moscovium (Mc), tennessine (Ts), and oganesson (Og) and their potential uses.
But like a wonderful shot of ice-cold Jose Quervo gold tequila, there it was. All the facts of the show lay before me.
It was like opening the correct volume and page of an Encyclopedia Britannica on the first go. what a rush... ok not as exciting as that but it was still pretty cool.
My Results showed me that they found, nonlook alikes of Kev and Wit or “gill” and “lip”, with some sort of talent.
I can tell you that “new Wit” can’t do the quivering bottom lip thing but she can do the whole shaking head thing that has the same effect.
Kev or “new gill” only made the poster and he does look a little wet, but don’t hold me to that, as he doesn’t really feature until the kiss part I suppose.
Chances are pretty good that I won’t be going to watch this musical so I can’t tell you if she gets shot this time around or if she gets to make out with Kev.
If you are interested know drop me a mail and I will ask around.
So to close off on this matter, On the island, we have Footy, Cricket, Rugby union, Rugby rules, Netball, Basketball, Barefoot bowls, even Quiddich and now we have a musical, called the bodyguard.
What next? Vampire Themed Dinner Parties?

So after this mammoth update I leave you with these words from Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me.
You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda.
Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"
And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine.”
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on October 26, 2019, 11:57:04 am
Whitney didn't do just the quivering lower lip: her whole lower jaw quivered along. How did she do that?

As a computer jerk, have you come across the writings of The Oatmeal?

https://theoatmeal.com/comics/running (https://theoatmeal.com/comics/running)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 26, 2019, 12:26:40 pm
I have now. Thanks for pointing this out to me.
I love the bizarre and weird stuff. This is also right up my alley. Awesome.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on October 26, 2019, 12:42:50 pm
I have now. Thanks for pointing this out to me.
I love the bizarre and weird stuff. This is also right up my alley. Awesome.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

Yup, I suspect it's a computer nerd thing :) Enjoy! The bit about running in Japan ("NOPE!") is my favourite, closely followed by one comparing his dogs to middle-aged men. He pitched a board game, Exploding Kittens, on a crowdfunding site, and it reached its target instantly and then overshot by many times.

Fascinating guy (and not nearly as fat as his comics would have you believe).
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on October 28, 2019, 09:07:09 pm
RE selling of smokes at the shop with underaged kids?

Yip same over here in NZ - if there is a kid of about 13 or older they cna refuse to sell you smokes or alcohol, even if it looks like you should be in a retirement home.

Most have learned you maar leave the older kids in the car :peepwall:

Alos @BOZO those blue balls hanging from the truck means something different this side of the world, you might want to google it (hint he most likely will have a "partner" and not a wife)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 28, 2019, 10:55:37 pm
 if there is a kid of about 13 or older they cna refuse to sell you smokes

But you may smoke in front of your kids at home? Why is the law there then?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on October 29, 2019, 12:29:34 am
if there is a kid of about 13 or older they cna refuse to sell you smokes

But you may smoke in front of your kids at home? Why is the law there then?

Supermarkets are weiry of selling alchohol to people that might be buying it for the younger generation that is with them. They can even withold selling if they look under 25.

People are not pleased about it but a recent response to a shopper was:

"Our policy is that where there's a person in a group who looks under 25 and our team has reason to believe beer or wine is going to be supplied to a minor, we reserve the right to ask for ID or to refuse the sale.

"Our team has to make a lot of judgment calls every day and we're always trying to get the right balance between adhering to the law and making sure customers can safely access the products they want at our stores."
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 29, 2019, 01:30:39 am
if there is a kid of about 13 or older they cna refuse to sell you smokes

But you may smoke in front of your kids at home? Why is the law there then?

Yep its wierd... but the law is the law...... And they dont call it the nanny state for nothing...  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 29, 2019, 01:33:03 am
RE selling of smokes at the shop with underaged kids?

Yip same over here in NZ - if there is a kid of about 13 or older they cna refuse to sell you smokes or alcohol, even if it looks like you should be in a retirement home.

Most have learned you maar leave the older kids in the car :peepwall:

Alos @BOZO those blue balls hanging from the truck means something different this side of the world, you might want to google it (hint he most likely will have a "partner" and not a wife)

Yes leaned that quickly.
If you are caught buying for kids underage the fine can be $18 000.... eish imagine having to pay that fine....  :o
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on October 29, 2019, 02:51:16 pm
At what age can one buy booze and smokes legally in Aus?

they dont call it the nanny state for nothing...

They need strict laws to control the offspring of all those ex criminals it seems!! ;) :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 30, 2019, 12:47:53 am
At what age can one buy booze and smokes legally in Aus?

they dont call it the nanny state for nothing...

They need strict laws to control the offspring of all those ex criminals it seems!! ;) :lol8:

I think it depends which state you are in. Here in Vic its 18.
I heard that in the Northern Territory and parts of Western Australia, You have to Show ID (no matter how old you are) every time you buy grog,
All the bottle o's  are linked and when you get to your quota for the day / week / month? you cant buy any more.
https://nt.gov.au/law/alcohol/buying-alcohol/buying-takeaway-alcohol (https://nt.gov.au/law/alcohol/buying-alcohol/buying-takeaway-alcohol)
But its not all bad in the NT they do have cool bumper stickers.   :biggrin:


Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 30, 2019, 05:13:17 am
Firstly A huge shout out to the peeps that responded to my mail, Its always great to get a reply, even if its just two words.  :thumleft:
I was told by sooooommmee People that my last letter was boring and depressing.
So l apologize in advance and reverse if you got / get that feeling.
In my defence, (and I can do that because this my letter) We are gaanning aan here on the island, the bright shiny new things, are becoming same old same old, and, it’s not all bells and whistles, but have you ever seen a magazine sell sad stories?
Nope.
I’m approaching a year here on this rock and I suppose I would need to do a summary in my next letter. Well. That’s the next letter, what about today’s letter.
It’s a bit mish mash as per usual, but at least there are no jokes about how crappy Renaults are.
Having spent a lot of time in my headspace I have come up with more questions than answers.
Sure I have solved one or two of life’s mysteries, and read a book or two, but there are still questions.
This is not a bad thing, in fact, in my spare time, I’m training myself  to become a supreme master solitaire / minesweeper champ.
One of the thoughts that I’m bouncing around in my head at the moment is “Teenagers”
I’m sure that there will be people here that may have these same pressing questions.

How do you live with a teenager?  :-\
How does the population continue to expand when faced with teenagers?  ???
How do parents get past this stage and still love their offspring?  ;)
How do you do this without losing your mind?
Here, on the Island, the youth seem to think that the world owes them for breathing air and eating food.
Don’t get me wrong there are kids out there (very few) that don’t believe that. They are the ones that keep us holding onto the hope for the future of this country. The rest of these little shits should be pushed into the harbor.
How is it that, you can walk into a shop, pick up anything you like, then walk up to a self-checkout counter, pay and leave. You can sit on a beach and enjoy the open spaces and the view. You can even go camping for FREE in the outback, but you can’t get a well-mannered kid that doesn’t have a chip on their shoulder, or a decent haircut.
Being an Island parent is not easy. I’ve seen with my own eyes, on more than one occasion, a little five year old oxygen thief throw their toys out the cot, and the parent trying in vain to negotiate with it. Yes you read that correctly “negotiate” !!!!!!!

It’s more difficult when you come from a different country where its “ok” to “blicksem” a kid because they think they are clever. I foolishly thought that being a South African that we were immune to the potential onslaught of laziness and long hair brought on by a system that believes that kids need to have their asses wiped for them until they are 25.
Well I was wrong. So wrong that I hang my head in shame. It took my offspring approximately 6 months to show cracks at the seams and to let this foul beast infect their ability to realize that they are still kids, and we are still the parents.
“Was I Like this?”
“Was my sister like this?”
I know wonder woman was never like this….. she is perfect……in every way…….. Wink, wink, Nudge, Nudge.  (just in-case she is reading this) :imaposer:

Sure, maybe it’s not only the Island where this happens. Maybe it’s not only my kids, maybe it’s their age, I suppose, to a point, I could even live with the long hair……...
Being a first-time parent I have no reference on how to handle teenagers… I mean I remember being a teenager, I was not part of the “cool” group. I remember waiting in line to use public telephone. And I remember when beer was R20 for a case. But I don’t remember ever being this difficult.
What is a parent supposed to do with this eating, sleeping, non-conversational, hormone fuelled, constant mirror checking and flexing, wise cracking, sloth?
When I hit that age, I was at boarding school. I saw my parents about once a month, to stock up on food, have my washing done, and sleep in my own bed.
Their biggest worry was a crusty sock and what time I would be back from playing 18 holes of golf.
In boarding school I had a system around me that worked on a bell. I did not need to think. We functioned like Pavlov’s dog
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg……. Get up.
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg…… eat breakfast,
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg go to school.
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg…. Eat lunch…..
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg go to sport.
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg eat dinner….
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg do homework
BBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGgggggggg go to bed.
Rinse and repeat. Year in and year out. It was simple, and I loved it.
If I thought I was clever or I stood out of line I had someone around to help me remember that I was not that clever and how to tow the line. Nothing like a quick clip around the ear or a quick six with a cane of your choosing to help with attitude, cleverness, tardiness and back chatting.
Fast-forward 20 years and life is clearly tough for these beings. They can barely walk upright. They need to use the edge of the table like a seesaw for their arms to get their food to their mouths. Apparently walls in a house are not to hold up a roof, nooooooooo we need a wall hold onto with dirty hands to turn corners. Even after breakfast is lovingly made every morning, Trenticles and Spiderpig this week alone have both been late for school!!!And school starts at 9:00…….All of a sudden sending them back to Jeppie is starting to look like a good option. 
Does anybody have any advice? 
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Offshore on October 30, 2019, 08:15:20 am
I have raised three Daughters, all I can say is ; Suck it up China.  :deal: It gets better when they turn about 19.
Your Revenge will come when you can spoil your Grandchildren to your Heart's Content and there is fuckall they can do about it. :thumleft:
All the Manners that you taught your Kids suddenly are no longer applicable to Grandchildren, the look on their Faces will be Priceless. :ricky:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Willem-Ben on October 30, 2019, 10:58:10 am
Brilliant reply - I am taking taking notes :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on October 30, 2019, 08:43:28 pm
 ::) I got about 9 years to go before this is me....
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on October 31, 2019, 06:37:31 am
I'm just going to put this here today  :thumleft:

(https://assets.amuniversal.com/77cf9fb0c7460137c2df005056a9545d)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 01, 2019, 12:53:01 am
::) I got about 9 years to go before this is me....
Those 9 years go by very quickly......  :eek7:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 01, 2019, 01:20:11 am
I have raised three Daughters, all I can say is ; Suck it up China.  :deal: It gets better when they turn about 19.
Your Revenge will come when you can spoil your Grandchildren to your Heart's Content and there is fuckall they can do about it. :thumleft:
All the Manners that you taught your Kids suddenly are no longer applicable to Grandchildren, the look on their Faces will be Priceless. :ricky:

3 Daughters........ Respect!!!!!
They are a daily challenge, the actual struggle is bringing them up in a different country and culture.
Its hard. Let me explain.
Say Trenticles decides to disrespect a teacher by back-chatting.
In South Africa the teacher will not take it and issue detention / send kid out of class / whatever. If we hear about it there will be kak at home aswell.
The situation is dealt with and everyone moves on.
He he does the same thing. The chirp goes ignored and nothing happens so the situation get worse and worse. Nobody is the wiser. (except for the kid who is now pushing the boundary with out even realizing it.)
Eventually the kid gets kicked out of class for being disruptive, and we finally hear about it. with a note....from a student counselor. that is trying to address anger issues with the master manipulator.
When questioned about whats happening the answers are vague and uncommitted.
When we ask the school they wont give answers or insights because, and here is the kicker,......... "South African parents beat their children"
So the parenting style that we were brought up with doesn't really work here and we now need to find different methods.
Yes I know it sounds simple but untill you actually live in a different county these things are actually hard.
Anyhoo we have changed our tiktak and things have improved.....  :o

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 01, 2019, 01:26:46 am
AAAANNNYYYYYYYWWWAAYYYYYYYY Bitch Session over

Wonder woman decided that we should get some culture in our lives and did a quick Internet search. Apparently Boredom is not a town in Australia, the “cirque du soleil kooza” (pronounced sirk des olay) was in town and it was decided that this would suffice. I have quickly learnt (learned, lernerd, lernt, fuckit, taught myself) nowadays not to ask the price of the tickets as apparently converting to Rands puts a frown on my face, and I will age terribly. We Jumped into wonder woman’s fancy smanshy new car and drove off into the metropolis that we live in called Melbourne. This Circus was located on horse race track where the Famous Melbourne cup is held every year. Parking was a breeze and I realized then how they can have such nicely tendered gardens at $20 a car. (don’t convert, don’t convert, don’t convert) While this family of giants sauntered towards the big tent, Trenticles gradually increased the distance between us and himself. Spiderpig had blissfully forgotten about the last incident were he had chundered away a weeks pay and was already sizing up every stall that he could buy food at. Being the AWESOME Parent that I am (there is nothing wrong with a little self-pep talk) I waited until we were at the entrance and called everyone over for a selfie!!!! Trenticles, now looking like he forgot to put suntan lotion on, snuck in for a picture and disappeared with his ticket and a muttering that we would see him when the show starts. Spiderpig knows that Wonder Woman has the money as was guiding her towards the food stalls. Basically he was body blocking her into the direction he needed her to go. After a short conversation with the diamond dealer, disguised as a helper behind the counter we walked away with 1 popcorn, 1 small slush puppy, 1 wine split into 2 plastic glasses and a lasting memory of the most expensive “snack” I have ever bought…. Now I know why Steven King’s “IT” was so scary, he went to the sirk-des-olay and bought “snacks”. (just read the reviews on the web) When the show started we were seated in the back row and could see the entire stage. The Clowns were putting on a good show, the lighting and sound effects were good. All in all it was what I was expecting. BUT there were some acts that were unexpected. The Chinese Guy that balanced 14 dining room chairs on top of each other and did a handstand on top was impressive. The double flickflack high jump routine off a sea-saw was good, but, there were these two contortionists that had me looking like a dog cocking its head at seeing a chongololo for the first time. I think I was particularly fascinated by this act as I can’t touch my toes and these candidates don’t need a mirror to inspect an ingrown hair on their butt cheeks. 

Needless to say it was worth it. Because this e-mail is read by my Parents and I would not want them to think that I’m a little strange I have decided not to include my thoughts of what could happen on a cold winters night, some KY Jelly and bottle of red wine!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 03, 2019, 11:19:35 pm
Nothing exciting happens on the island, so to keep up with the times we have other incidents that need to make national news.

Being and educational and entertaining thread I thought that possibly a bit of history before the mystery   :thumleft:

In Northern Queensland there is a little town called “Innisfail”. I was going to explain where it is in relation to Melbourne and discuss how tropical and beautiful it is. I was even going to suggest that it may be a good place for a short weekend breakaway. Then I stepped back and looked at the town name, “Innisfail”…… Inn is Fail…… In nis fail……. No matter how you look at it there seems to be some sort of fail here…. As is my self-appointed duty to educate you about the island that we live on I have googled some statistics about the inn-that-failed.
The boring facts are… there are about seven thousand people that live there and it’s always hot and humid.
In fact one could say that looking at the population size, the count of different surnames, and the average temperature that the relative humidity is quite high……. ( :imaposer:)

No matter where you are in the world you need to understand that living in a tropical paradise will have some drawbacks, like sunburn from catching fish, and the odd cyclone that rips through a sleepy hollow with a hotel called failed inn. In this case, however, It’s really how the townsfolk handle these drawbacks that sets them apart.
For example:
Former Deputy Mayor George Pervan of Innisfail was quoted in 2006 on commercial radio during an interview during the aftermath of Cyclone Larry requesting Southern Queenslanders to:
"Send up a truckload of piss so we can all get fucking drunk"  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Innisfail,_Queensland (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Innisfail,_Queensland)

Sure that was some time ago, and I’m sure that they had a nice party. The repercussions from this type of tropical lifestyle have come to fruition. Just the other day the proof to not smoke and drink during pregnancy was proved yet again. A hormonally charged 18 year old teenager jumped into a crock infested river to impress an English (pom)  backpacker. The article link is below to prove that I’m not making this shit up.  But I’m going to break this down for you in chronological order.
A day previous to this “incident” a teen called “Lee De Paauw” (See? you can’t make this shit up) had happened across this pom that was apparently “kind” to him. (In my world when I was 18, that meant they, ladies not poms,  acknowledged my existence).
They got into some social drinking and after 12 cups of piss, a fairly light drinking session by South African standards, it was getting late and Lee de pawpaw was running out of ideas on how to get lucky, he was spinning a yarn that croc’s only eat backpackers and not Aussies.
I’m sure there was a bit of banter back and forth, much like the KTM and BMW boys and the definition of an adventure bike, where one has been around the world and the other one is orange.  :pot:
A good story is a good story but when attention starts failing in Innisfail, it falls quicker than an aussie girls panties after drinking a "skinny bitch" (vodka and water).
Lee du peehol realized he was at the point of go big, or, go home alone. He was, as most 18 year-olds are, left with the options of:
1.   Yet another night of furiously chocking the chicken alone and lonely or,
2.   Pulling a rabbit from the proverbial hat.
Unknowingly Leeuloop’s choice at that moment would propel him, his lack of forethought , and his town into the news headlines. Obviously Lee lepidopterist went with option 2 and to “prove a point” at 2:30 AM Lee du Poephol swallow dived into the river and promptly got chowed by a patiently waiting croc.
This Crocodile Dundee wannabee forgot that this is not the movies and “That aint a knife Mate, This is a knife!” only works in New York.
This reminded me that screaming underwater is a tactic that was used unsuccessfully by Wonder Woman in Mozambique when she thought she was being attacked by a shark.
Not that Lee would have known that, but I’m sure he knows now that screaming underwater does not scare 3m long saltwater croc.
As all fairy tales go this one also has a happy ending. Lee du poephol survived and is currently nursing a hangover in hospital with the help of some pain killers, plaster of parys, stiches and Sophie Paterson’s (the fruit picking pom) number.
With all the attention focused on this little town the newspaper tracked down the local MP for comment and to question him about what the government was going to do about croc’s eating people at 2:30 am.
Hanging out of his Holden UTE window with his Paul Hogan hat, MP Jason Costigan said “locals should understand the dangers of living in croc country.” And 'Most people have got common sense ... we can't legislate to protect dickheads,'  https://www.smh.com.au/national/queensland/i-didnt-expect-it-croc-victim-wont-return-to-river-20170320-gv2032.html (https://www.smh.com.au/national/queensland/i-didnt-expect-it-croc-victim-wont-return-to-river-20170320-gv2032.html)

When reporter asked Lee if he realized that he may just be the dumbest person in Australia,
he said….
Wait for it….
I think he must have taken hours to come up with this answer..

He said.
”haters gonna hate”

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/latest-news/qld-teen-recovering-from-croc-mauling/news-story/fe27b5f1f45d90983e26adadb5a681a6 (http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/latest-news/qld-teen-recovering-from-croc-mauling/news-story/fe27b5f1f45d90983e26adadb5a681a6)

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Maverick on November 07, 2019, 04:34:02 pm
Well I know from personal experience growing up in the East Rand close to your "home town" at 18 we would do stupid shit but not this idiotic. Don't they have their parents cars to steal, dice down Rudo Nell road in Jetpark or jump off mine dumps with beach umbrellas? Kids today Pffttt!!!  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 07, 2019, 10:40:15 pm
Well I know from personal experience growing up in the East Rand close to your "home town" at 18 we would do stupid shit but not this idiotic. Don't they have their parents cars to steal, dice down Rudo Nell road in Jetpark or jump off mine dumps with beach umbrellas? Kids today Pffttt!!!  :biggrin:
I Agree!!!  :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 07, 2019, 10:57:39 pm
Firstly GO BOKKE!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm back and I promise that the mood of these posts does improve from here on out. you wanted the good the bad and the ugly. Well now you have read what its like to be alone in a different country, when depression sets in and you are trying like hell to pull out of it. Probably the most important thing is recognizing that its happening to yourself and doing something about it. I'm no doctor (thank the pope) and I don't know how other people deal with depression, but I believe that I have found my way to deal with it.  :patch:.......
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 07, 2019, 11:15:58 pm
DagSe’ Mense, (that’s hello people) for the non saffers.

The Island never fails to provide entertainment, or some material to pontificate over.
On the day that the earth completed its 41st circumference of the sun with me tying to etch out an existence. We were invited to a game of old man’s marbles, at St Kilda’s bowling club.
We met up with Nicola “The Burn”, her sister Penny “The Fashionista”, some Frenchies, a Goth Aussie, that could have been a vampire, and an Irish bloke with his aussie girlfriend.
I could give you a short history lesson about St Kilda’s Bowling Club’s and the famous hallowed grounds that we trod upon, I could enlighten you into the methods of the green-keepers tasks of looking after the grounds and keeping them in such an incredible state, but I won’t, instead I will tell you that they had Draft Beers for $10 each and I think I had 10.
At current exchange rates that’s R1000.00 for 5 litres of beer. Eish!!!! Oh well when in Rome do as the poor people do, sit in the sun and bak ballas.
It was game on and after countless ends I think one team won.
A Short 13 days later Wonder Woman got “older” and was graced with a few gifts as an offer of thanks for being on this earth and helping it become a better place.
Being at her advanced age we needed to cut short our celebrations as it was a week night and us “old folk” need to get some sleep.

48 hours is a movie with Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy and was a comedy about 2 cops that are partners that depend on each other and sometimes they even get along. It was so good they made another one and called it Another 48 Hours.
In the life of Bryan (mwerte) 48 hours after wonder woman has a birthday its April Fool’s day as well as our wedding anniversary, this union may not be a comedy and it probably won’t make any money but it’s so good that there is a new better story written every year and we are now on year 17……my fuck…… someone needs a medal.
The critics have written their reviews and there was the usual commentary about who was the fool and who needs the award but in the end everyone is a winner…….(she made me write that last bit)  ;D

To celebrate this magnanimous occasion and being inspired by our recent visit to the sirk-des-olay Wonder Woman had jumped on to the interweb and purchased tickets to go to dinner at a Comedy Cabaret Ristorante, where we got to fill our pie holes with interesting dead things and watch Vampires attempt to etch out an inanimateness* in show business.

In the Vampire world you have the Rich and the Poor. The haves and have-nots.
The Business class and the cattle class.
You have the Bram Stokers of the underworld and then you have the wannabe’s that must work for their half pint of blood. Go figure!….
And all this time I thought it was like vampire dairies, where you get to live in a mansion, pork a pretty girl, that’s clearly not well in her head, and occasionally drink some blood.
Naaa I think being I werewolf will be easier, at least if you lick your nuts in public no-one will even look at you sideways. 
Anyhoo back to the show. It was pretty good and the venue was AWESOME. My favorite part was the bar**.
The attention to detail was out of this world, it felt like being in Frankenstein’s lab, with body parts everywhere, skeletons in the floor tapping on the floor boards.
It was really really good. If you are ever in Melbourne and want to do something different. I would recommend this as a good evening’s entertainment. 
The Highlight of the show was this one part where you get to see the one birds boobs. For like 10 seconds…… talk about lasting memories!!!
http://www.draculas.com.au/ (http://www.draculas.com.au/)

*that’s actually a word, and probably, more importantly used quite cleverly in this sentence  8)
**Any establishment that gets a mention in these pages better have a good bar or it’s just not going to make it.   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 08, 2019, 03:51:40 am
The drug dealer's dog

One thing I've realised about this country is that a lot of people who would normally be institutionalised in one way or another are out on the streets living on state benefits or under the auspices of "carers" who are paid to keep an eye on them. They prefer to be on the streets where they can continue to take drugs, mainly meth and dope. This puppy appeared yesterday morning at my daughter in-laws centerlink (government unemployment) office in a plastic bag while the grifter owner spun a tail of living on the streets and eating out of bins to get his payment expedited. While he was there he stole a book of free bus tickets (which they give to job seekers) which got him from Cannonvale to Proserpine. In Proserpine he found a car with the keys in the ignition outside Ritchie Ford the Ford dealers and made his getaway, not a very long getaway because 300m further up the road at the library my son intercepted him and confiscated the drugs he was going to sell, the stolen car and his puppy. As the pound was closed we finished up with the dog for the night and this morning the drug dealer has made bail. They are pretty soft on that sort of thing. He will try and get his dog from the pound today but they will make it as difficult as they can for him with a whole bunch of administrative charges. My wife was really smitten and I became a bit repetitive....we are not having another dog....we are not....


As a family we really have the bogans (white trash) of the Whitsundays sown up. If they get too crazy the state mental wellness program pays for them to see my wife the psychologist and if they slip on a banana peel in the cells or accidently run into a policeman's fist then I get to sort them out at the hospital.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on November 08, 2019, 05:51:05 am
Cute puppy - keep him  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 08, 2019, 10:15:41 am
They are pretty soft on that sort of thing.

But they will hunt you down if you do 52 kms per hour in a 50 zone :deal: ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 08, 2019, 11:20:54 am
Err, not quite Chris. They will always give you 10% plus one and when I've phoned up my son and overheard the speed trapping going on at the gas station on the Bruce Highway they usually throw back a lot doing considerably more than that. The good news if that if there is a car around it is almost impossible to pick up a bike on the radar guns they are issued with so when I shot out at lunch to get something on the motorbike and didn't spot them they couldn't get a lock on me so we exchanged waves rather than a ticket.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 08, 2019, 11:29:10 am
Err, not quite Chris. They will always give you 10% plus one and when I've phoned up my son and overheard the speed trapping going on at the gas station on the Bruce Highway they usually throw back a lot doing considerably more than that. The good news if that if there is a car around it is almost impossible to pick up a bike on the radar guns they are issued with so when I shot out at lunch to get something on the motorbike and didn't spot them they couldn't get a lock on me so we exchanged waves rather than a ticket.
I (when there is not much else) watch Highway Patrol from Down Under. It seems they are very very strict on anything vehicle related in Aus and there is a whole lot of people in Aus that needs strict laws to keep them to toe the line.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 10, 2019, 10:02:51 am
Chris, here we are on the Pacific Highway. Speedo cruise is on and everybody is doing the same speed, even the guy in the Airstream. There are no 30 year old bakkies with 10 goats and 15 humans in the bin struggling to do 40kph and no spiky haired Indians weaving in and out in their Golf GTI's. I've been on this road for over 800km now and everybody is behaving themselves and I haven't seen one police patrol or speed trap.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 10, 2019, 10:04:28 am
It is Sunday, so someone is watching
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 10, 2019, 11:18:35 am
It’s Sunday here in Melbourne. It’s fucken cold and miserable. The weather for the next week doesn’t look any better. Your picture of you flying down the hiway has been tracked by the local authorities and they will be arriving soon to issue you a ticket.
Someone is watching, all the time.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 10, 2019, 01:09:33 pm
Shame about the weather Bozo. Been through 3 enormous firestorms at Gregory River, Yeppoon and Noosa plus 38 degrees on the Bruce Highway but no rain.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on November 10, 2019, 10:15:46 pm
Chris, here we are on the Pacific Highway. Speedo cruise is on and everybody is doing the same speed, even the guy in the Airstream. There are no 30 year old bakkies with 10 goats and 15 humans in the bin struggling to do 40kph and no spiky haired Indians weaving in and out in their Golf GTI's. I've been on this road for over 800km now and everybody is behaving themselves and I haven't seen one police patrol or speed trap.

Have to agree -  here in NZ it's the same. you can comfortably sit in the fast lane at the speed limit without someone right up your ass trying to force you to move so they can pass.

Its weird to explain as you say everyone behaves, driving to work is not stressful in NZ as the traffic is moving, no push ins and you over all just more relaxed.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 10, 2019, 10:44:21 pm
You both think people drive the way they do because of the merit system that works there?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 11, 2019, 01:31:06 am
You were right Bozo. They were waiting for me when I walked out the lobby this morning. At least it was a full spec Commodore for the trip to the station. They were very nice, they said if I had told them that I was going to take a picture of them they would have smiled.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on November 11, 2019, 02:18:51 am
You both think people drive the way they do because of the merit system that works there?

Not just the d merits, but how well the general police system works. Don't think you will get a fine here and not pay it.

Police in-car cameras scan numbers plates constantly for any traffic offensive, including outstanding fines, and they will stop you on the spot for it.

In New Zealand the grace for over the speed limit is only 4, so drive 55 in a 50kmhz zone and it's a $60 fine BUT no d-merits. D-merits for speeding only starts from 10km/h over the speed limit and only manned cameras. Speed camera fines you don't get points for.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 11, 2019, 03:03:27 am
You were right Bozo. They were waiting for me when I walked out the lobby this morning. At least it was a full spec Commodore for the trip to the station. They were very nice, they said if I had told them that I was going to take a picture of them they would have smiled.
:laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 11, 2019, 03:08:57 am
You both think people drive the way they do because of the merit system that works there?

Not just the d merits, but how well the general police system works. Don't think you will get a fine here and not pay it.

Police in-car cameras scan numbers plates constantly for any traffic offensive, including outstanding fines, and they will stop you on the spot for it.

In New Zealand the grace for over the speed limit is only 4, so drive 55 in a 50kmhz zone and it's a $60 fine BUT no d-merits. D-merits for speeding only starts from 10km/h over the speed limit and only manned cameras. Speed camera fines you don't get points for.

Yes it definitely the points system. I think it takes 18 months to regain your points. I have (touchwood) not lost any yet. (just checked)  You get 12 points in a 3 Year Cycle.....eish
Even-though  we have to drive around at snails pace you do get used to it.
Also you can no longer guestimate that because its 100km away it will take an hour to get to your destination.
For example if I have to go to the airport which is 50km away and it takes an hour. pretty much any time of the day. traffic or not.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 11, 2019, 04:02:56 am
I cant believe that this was 2 years ago....

We spent a great deal of time looking for a new place to live as our current abode was no longer commodious for Trenticles and the other three people that exist around him.
Clearly this is a lie and I’m only joking, our lease was coming to an end and WE NEEDED A GARDEN.
I have been living on this island for a year and I just wanted to have a braai in my own garden and have a piss in the garden.
You know the basic needs of any individual with a penis.  ;)
We (Wonder Woman) eventually found a place that ticks all the boxes.
1.   Garden
2.   4 bedrooms
3.   Garden
4.   Separate bathroom for the adults
5.   Garden
6.   Garage to park cars
7.   Garden
8.   Lounge
9.   Garden

Oh did I mention that we now have a garden?????

Before we started moving house Trenticles and Spiderpig came with me on separate occasions to have a look at the place and to check out the garden.
When I pulled up to the gate and stopped, they both just sat there in the front seat of the car looking at the gate like it was the entrance to Mordor and they were carrying the ring.
After 30 seconds or so they turned to me with a confused look, like a confused car guard that is given a life tip instead of money. (my favourite is “Never look directly into the sun”)
I realized then that they have never lived in a house that didn’t have an automatic gate.
There is nothing like an island to bring you back to earth you brat, this is a manual-o-matic, you are going to need more than a limber thumb to open this puppy!!!. 
Call me a Troglodyte if you like but points to me for being old and thinking of having an automatic gate as a luxury item typically used only by larneys.
The daunting task of relocating house in a world where labour is about as expensive electricity in South Africa there was some serous planning needed.
We borrowed boxes from Marty and Bones and spent a week packing and transporting boxes from one house to the other, the Jazz (wonder woman’s fancy smanchy car) is like a bakkie and you can pack a lot of kak in there.
SpiderPig was helpful and came with on most nights (packed into the back of the Jazz like a passenger in a taxi heading to Polokwane over Easter weekend.
He helped carry boxes and unpack and gave out general unwanted psychological support and background noise.
Trenticles on the other hand decided that we were crazy, and if you lie on your bed and play music and do absolutely fackall, all the stuff will pack itself and get to the new house one its own.
Even on the day that the movers arrived to move all the big stuff, his machiavellian machination was to have breakfast, get dressed and leave.
In order to keep him alive wonder woman gave him the new address while I was dealing with the movers….
And here is the clincher, there were 2 guys and they packed and unpacked that truck in 3 hours. I’ve never seen two okes work like that before.
By 16:00 we were basically unpacked and settled in to the new house, cracking a cold beer and having a BRAAI!!!!! 
The only thing that could have made it better was to be choeffing on a Peter Stuyvesant blue and chugging back an ice-cold castle while debating which Super Rugby game to watch.
It was so lekker to have a Garden we sommer BRAAI’ed the next day again.
 :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 11, 2019, 05:12:10 am
Bozo and Silvrav are both correct. They don't mess around here. When I got out the hotel I found that they'd closed both ends of my block in Ann St. They weren't going to take any chances with a hardened perpetrator like myself.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 11, 2019, 05:22:39 am
The truth: Our hotel is next to Anzac Square and this is 11/11 Armistice day and they were having a parade down Ann St. Just what my wife was looking forward too during her quiet day of studying before her exam tomorrow, the reason why we are in Brisbane.. That's why the place was full of Traffic police first thing. When  arrived in Durban at the start of the 80's  Durban town was a bustling center of commerce and shops and it was always a joy to see the bright young things of Durban out on their lunch-break. Today the center of Durban is a wasteland but Brisbane in 2019 looks like the Durban of old. 
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 11, 2019, 10:45:19 am
Bozo how much is rent for the new house per month?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 11, 2019, 12:38:22 pm
You coming Chris?  Lots of people have asked me about Australian tax. Do you want to see a real tax return? Bozo can tell you about rental.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on November 11, 2019, 12:38:54 pm
Do you also say........gaaaaaaarden.........ala Aussie style/accent  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 11, 2019, 12:51:03 pm
You coming Chris? Lots of people have asked me about Australian tax. Do you want to see a real tax return? Bozo can tell you about rental.
Even on a tourist visa they'd just give me one look at the airport and put me back to SA on the same plane!! :deal: :lol8:
In 1986 myself and a friend who was cattle truck driving in Namibia could get work as drivers in the outback. Same trucks just bigger. Plans were made and just before we were supposed to start paying for plane tickets he pulled out and after a week or so myself too. I did not want to go by myself. Still pissed off with myself that i pulled out. I could have stayed and be used to flies by now!! ;) :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 11, 2019, 09:34:47 pm
Bozo how much is rent for the new house per month?
Rent is $2600 a month.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 11, 2019, 09:37:36 pm
Do you also say........gaaaaaaarden.........ala Aussie style/accent  :imaposer:
:laughing4: nope I was so excited about having gaaaaaaaarden that I started calling it the outback.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on November 12, 2019, 05:35:45 am
Do you also say........gaaaaaaarden.........ala Aussie style/accent  :imaposer:
:laughing4: nope I was so excited about having gaaaaaaaarden that I started calling it the outback.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

 :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on November 12, 2019, 06:34:26 am
Even on a tourist visa they'd just give me one look at the airport and put me back to SA on the same plane!! :deal: :lol8:
In 1986 myself and a friend who was cattle truck driving in Namibia could get work as drivers in the outback. Same trucks just bigger. Plans were made and just before we were supposed to start paying for plane tickets he pulled out and after a week or so myself too. I did not want to go by myself. Still pissed off with myself that i pulled out. I could have stayed and be used to flies by now!! ;) :lol8:

What is the deal with flies? Are they a problem in NZ / Oz?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Maverick on November 12, 2019, 09:28:33 am
Even on a tourist visa they'd just give me one look at the airport and put me back to SA on the same plane!! :deal: :lol8:
In 1986 myself and a friend who was cattle truck driving in Namibia could get work as drivers in the outback. Same trucks just bigger. Plans were made and just before we were supposed to start paying for plane tickets he pulled out and after a week or so myself too. I did not want to go by myself. Still pissed off with myself that i pulled out. I could have stayed and be used to flies by now!! ;) :lol8:

What is the deal with flies? Are they a problem in NZ / Oz?

You try and eat/breathe anything in Alice Springs or the outback without covering your whole head and face you will be chowing flies and not flench flies  :biggrin:

You pretty much sit and sip your beer and eat you food under something like this

(https://lonedingo.com.au/wp/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/360degree-flynet.jpg)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 12, 2019, 12:28:13 pm
Ri: Yes. Maverick: pretty true

In Northern Queensland we have fly screen on the door and the windows and they are still a problem. There are no vultures or jackals here all carrion cow shit and roo shit is dealt with by flies. In the middle of summer if you go out of town on a bike the flies surround you as soon as you stop. I've realised it's because a hundred or so stay on the back of your jacket when you drive off.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 12, 2019, 12:35:46 pm
Ri: Yes. Maverick: pretty true

In Northern Queensland we have fly screen on the door and the windows and they are still a problem. There are no vultures or jackals here all carrion cow shit and roo shit is dealt with by flies. In the middle of summer if you go out of town on a bike the flies surround you as soon as you stop. I've realised it's because a hundred or so stay on the back of your jacket when you drive off.
Main problem in Aus is they have no dung beatles and that is why they have so many flies. They have a breeding program with SA to get as many beatles in the wild in Aus.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Maverick on November 12, 2019, 02:32:19 pm
I backpacked through Oz in 1997 and camped in Ayers Rock site. Was incredibly excited about climbing Uluru - back then you were still allowed to go to the top - and remember sitting in the pool with a beer sweating at 6:00 in the morning with gazillion flies all over you. I very quickly paid the what ever $$$ one of those nets cost back then and made sure my tent was zipped up all the time.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on November 12, 2019, 09:16:45 pm
Even on a tourist visa they'd just give me one look at the airport and put me back to SA on the same plane!! :deal: :lol8:
In 1986 myself and a friend who was cattle truck driving in Namibia could get work as drivers in the outback. Same trucks just bigger. Plans were made and just before we were supposed to start paying for plane tickets he pulled out and after a week or so myself too. I did not want to go by myself. Still pissed off with myself that i pulled out. I could have stayed and be used to flies by now!! ;) :lol8:

What is the deal with flies? Are they a problem in NZ / Oz?

NZ its certain parts only and mostly the southern and nothern areas of the islands. The bigger problem in NZ are the sandflies, mostly the west coast of New zealand.

It can get so bad that it looks like a big cloud that is flying around. If one bite syou, its about 5 x worse then a mozzie bite with some swelling and redness. Eventually your body does get use to it and its not as bad but it still itches like hell.

A model of a sandfly at the cafe on the West Coast.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 12, 2019, 11:26:18 pm
Its not just the flies that are a problem.
(diddent know that his was going to turn into what can eat you in AUS Thread but hey lets see how we go :imaposer: )

Reading this and having having recently visited the beach in 9 months in a weird 2 day warm spell, we returned home after spending only an hour on the sand due to the bugs, flies and bites we were getting.
I was reminded of this story that was on the news a while back where some kid got his feet chowed by flesh eating bugs.

https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/flesheating-bugs-at-brighton-beach-what-really-ate-sam-and-why-20170807-gxqsab.html (https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/flesheating-bugs-at-brighton-beach-what-really-ate-sam-and-why-20170807-gxqsab.html)

(https://www.abc.net.au/news/image/8780158-3x2-700x467.jpg)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 12, 2019, 11:28:01 pm
Nasty bush fires near Sydney, lots of houses down. ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Manic on November 13, 2019, 12:26:01 am
When I looked at all the pics, I noticed its only white people everywhere in the pictures.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ganjora on November 13, 2019, 05:41:54 am
When I looked at all the pics, I noticed its only white people everywhere in the pictures.

there are australian australian's too.
they were murdered all the way into the outback so that the australians had beach frontage,  but australian australian's still exist.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 13, 2019, 11:25:05 pm
The things we are going to miss

When I went to pick up some things at Woolies in Queen Street Brisbane I absent mindedly pick up a packet of Nick Naks. When I went back and wanted to get some more I couldn't find them with the crisps. That's because they were in the South African section. This is what Woolies think you will miss. Having trouble getting this compressed picture upright.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Manic on November 13, 2019, 11:30:50 pm
Kyk, as die mense nou al Cheese Curls moet uitvoer  vd Suid Afrikaners, dan wys dit jou net hoeveel mense het al gefokkof en daar is n mark daarvoor  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 13, 2019, 11:56:45 pm
No taal on this thread. We're down under now.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: silvrav on November 14, 2019, 12:14:29 am
haha and sometimes the things you get under the SA isle are things no South african has ever heard off  :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Manic on November 14, 2019, 10:33:44 pm
No taal on this thread. We're down under now.

Google translate dan maar soutie  :imaposer: :biggrin: :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 14, 2019, 10:40:18 pm
No taal on this thread. We're down under now.

Google translate dan maar soutie  :imaposer: :biggrin: :biggrin:
:laughing4: :laughing4:

I don't think you ever loose understanding the TAAL but reading it takes a little longer now days.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 15, 2019, 05:42:23 am
Its been a Quiet week. I was travelling to Adelaide to do a software install and data migration there.
Adelaide is in South Australia "the state" not in South Australia the island, that’s Victoria, and Tasmania.
Yawn.... So what’s cool about South Australia? well.
"Adelaide has more serial killers per capita than any other city in Australia" according to Dexter....
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-12-15/why-cant-adelaide-bury-murderous-capital-reputation/9249142 (https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-12-15/why-cant-adelaide-bury-murderous-capital-reputation/9249142)
And then there is the other little interesting piece of information.
This place that I was working makes metal detectors. They have been making them for a while, and its popular thing here. They range in prices from $200 to $7999. They also make other kak but that’s not as cool as these magafatas..
In their reception they have a model / casting of a gold nugget found by a prospector a few years ago in the Ballarat area.
I’m not talking about some little pebble that makes you smile and move on. I’m talking big like stop and take a second look big.

 (https://www.australiangeographic.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/gold-weight-cleaned.jpg)

This nugget was 4.1kg. That’s $ 250 000 worth of shiny rock.  CHAAACHING!!!
Since then people have been going out to that area and it keeps delivering.
That little discovery has made some serous money for the company.  $73 mil in 2015 to $ 182 mil in 2019.  CHAAAACHIIINNNGGGGGG!!!!
Gooie donner Immma gonna get me one on those.  ;D


 


Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: jaybiker on November 15, 2019, 09:32:07 am
No taal on this thread. We're down under now.

Google translate dan maar soutie  :imaposer: :biggrin: :biggrin:



Yeah, Google translate's always good for a laugh, if nothing else.  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ganjora on November 15, 2019, 10:11:14 am
excellent article about a guy that managed to get off the island: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/nov/14/a-long-flight-to-freedom-how-refugee-behrouz-boochani-finally-left-his-island-jail-behind
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 21, 2019, 10:58:47 pm
excellent article about a guy that managed to get off the island: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/nov/14/a-long-flight-to-freedom-how-refugee-behrouz-boochani-finally-left-his-island-jail-behind
Its a different outlook when the people are desperately trying to get into your country instead of the other way round. 
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on November 22, 2019, 04:22:57 am
Ok Story time again....

7 days after we moved into our house with a garden it started to rain, I have not received any instructions on how to build an ark or seen any animals gathering 2 by 2 in the driveway so I’m pretty sure that at some stage it will stop. Just to put my mind at ease I turned on the news and the weather lady said Winter has just about arrived.
The sky gets lighter later every day, the local island inhabitants have gradually retreated into their caves and emerge wearing darker and darker clothes. I’ve been told that Melbournians wear black to mourn the passing of the sun for the next 8 months. I think this may be true because I saw Bones and Marty last night and they were dressed in black, black like under the bed. This morning I watched spiderpig place his rechargeable lantern on the window shelf to charge, it was a cold and gloomy morning, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he’s beating a dead horse. It just goes to show, what I saw was unprepossessing but his sunny disposition can break through even the toughest of moods and he said that the rain will water his sunflower seeds and he will have more time for PlayStation.
Before I get another lecture from Bones, Marty and Wonder Woman that happiness is a choice and I should not be so negative. (need to find a name for the gang bang lectures that I keep getting) I think I’m going to call it. “fukit here we go again” or how about “the aussie inquisition” similar to the “Spanish inquisition” just without the pain and suffering and extensive travel. Or how about “Intervention X”, Interventions are only really for people that want to buy Renault’s so I guess that’s out. Ok Its decided. Imma gonna call it “aussie inquisition”
Before I encounter an “aussie inquisition” from the Trio about “happiness is a choice” I have a disclaimer. In my 41 years of life I have used “The Internet” once or twice to look for more than just porn, and believe it or not I’m not the only one who thinks Renaults suck but I’m also not the only one that thinks that MELBOURNE WEATHER SUCKS.


“Here's a list of things that Melbourne is great at: coffee, hipster cafes, streets that run parallel to each other, supporting the Australian Games Industry.
None of this makes up for the fact that Melbourne's weather is a total garbage fire, deserving of being sent out to sea where it belongs. Preparation means carrying half your wardrobe with you on a regular day. You never know what's going to happen. I think I've seen the sky once. And that was during a heatwave that probably killed people.
Clearly, I'm not the only one frustrated by this fact. Behold: The Melbourne Jacket.


(https://media.timeout.com/images/103798046/image.jpg)

I read somewhere that New Zeeland or nuzilland as the nuzullanders pronounce it is the land of the endless white cloud. Hmmmm clearly whoever came up with that profound statement never went Melbourne. Ok enough endless ranting about the weather, it’s time to embrace it and accept that it will happen at random, like when you are 16 and you have no control your boner that just seems to have a mind of its own and just pops up at the worst of times, like in class when you are sitting next to a hot chick or, cringe, when your mom hugs you!!….
For the South Africans that are thinking of visiting us, you need to know how to pronounce Melbourne. The easiest way to do it, is to join two world famous figures that everyone knows. If you don’t know them then you have been living under a rock and will never survive the swim across the pond. You need to join “Mel” like Mel Gibson, the guy that starred in Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart and more recently Rosalind Ross 35 years younger than him. See what a net worth of $450Mil will get you, some good, some not so good, he also has 11 kids, eish everyone has their own demons to deal with… and “Borne” like “the Borne Identity” a brilliant series of books written by Robert Ludlum. Which they then made movies of so that 50% of my friends, that consider a book is something that is square in shape and contains sharp pieces of hard toilet paper, can also enjoy this fast-paced action thriller. As you would know (because you have seen the movie) Jason Bourne lost his memory, his struggle to remember his name as well as who he is the underlying story. This really falls waaaaaaayyyyyyyy short how cool he really is. He wakes up on a boat riddled with bullet holes, and then begins discovering  that he has crazy Ninja Skills that would make Steven Segal shit his pants, if that not enough to blow your socks off he then starts finding out that he knows like 20 languages, has 20 passports and seems to have endless hiding places filled with hordes of cash. A true understated modern-day hero!!! When I woke up this morning I pulled a calf muscle doing a half handstand trying to piss in the toilet without making a mess. I’ll take a bullet wound for that kak any-day, think how cool I would be playing darts or pool with my Chinas, using my Ninja skills to whip some ass and then some foreigner says, “excus-im-wa sin-oir, muchos grandos ze beers are onze ze ouse!!”
Leaning back nonchalantly against the dartboard, placing yet another x next to double bull I say. “Ja sweet, shot my china”, I bounce my eyebrows in my best Magnum P.I. impression and triple bounce a R2 coin into a waiting shot glass across the room. Thank-you, thank you very much.
Well we can all dream about having an eight pack and bullet wounds, but I can have a 6 pack any day of the week, and, if I pay my electricity bill it can be cold right out the fridge!!!
Oh so, So back to the correct pronunciation of Melbourne. “Mel” as in Mel Gibson and “Bourne” as in the Bourne Identity not Burn like burning man.
Say it with me.
“Mel” “Bourne”
Easy ne’ :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Wayne on November 22, 2019, 08:11:30 am


Sent from my SM-T825 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 22, 2019, 10:41:01 am
Like, duh, heard of Queensland?

(Conway beach, walking the dog)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on November 22, 2019, 10:42:46 am
 Queensland?

Is Queensland at times unbearably hot or is the temps mild in summer?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on November 22, 2019, 03:10:35 pm
I'm at 20 degrees South in Proseprine. In Winter warm days and single figures overnight. Now it is clear and around 30 in the day and low twenties overnight. We are running the aircon in the bedroom overnight but it is not humid. Shortly it will rain and when it clears it will be so ducking hot that no one at work will walk the 200m from work to Woollies without a good excuse. It will be like that until March and then winter begins. I hope next year the trade winds will also die off in April.

The picture. We are behind the great barrier reef and the Whitsundays islands. Don't bring your surf board it always looks like this. Ideal for boating.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on December 05, 2019, 06:44:54 am
That facial expression :biggrin:

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/y_l_zm9tszT0QKX-o_-NAYYI1l0Po5PosOIBEsHBxmkjCpDJ8aVnTU2LRP7xeU3rXZRMJ1u26-vEQO1bRD3ZsRVOGjfOTFhlu8oSS-BVY_kgZiIolyC1ix8oeoDpTa9ExB7KxhyOa0YUbn3TXWtG2ubwk_jbrPvt9FigKZv2GttAwHUV8vyOUIJpygPnlks3oqOXxSJLyTDxBtbJFWsA3ezQ6SD-bVz56UE1AXsZZFIe3koqkyajJhusf_6oO8fAkDjziGw0TLLyaZlVVHtWB58pVXu0fY9lkojJRACx5FTanEjBqWj-FpOVqKYTqQCkWHDIng85L_r52xK2SAfrMagfnFPfA9mpozNloX5hBieQtzNO4W6rQEJPSdRFeALxPVXAUpO1xBuOC9nMM28rKLKUTi0FIlQwlPEeB8gK4jySIDKq4NlfleHF3qIKTG3bf153-C8h25bmqWcV0NGCGrnuFtQjfAv3Rm7etTPEAHhi_rSX8VQKgrJredB4DdW22kjHTJNiS6ONCdRjCCxdxCKQjn9aspf-fboIqcmIAvy1LLg09avpF_kqnRcm8Tu2JZCq8b-b4Ux-ZTumDWocZvnz5a15Fhdi0xQ6O0mf_vVZSRS_cjXDQ7D1uZvVLdgcAUvR9Wve83KBA5gEEFiLDxA8GFkIaJPY_S05-aovJ5blitbM5JVDJEGWsQl-sCeiZowzwvrr_yLqFzi-YdfgRp83bdrT61dDGKOJfoS9r75h=w350-h466-no)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on December 05, 2019, 07:47:02 am
One of the three South African shops on the Sunshine Coast. Their locally produced biltong (you can't bring in prepared meat products) was really good and not too much of a King's ransom gave us a bag that lasted until Hervey Bay.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: windswept on December 05, 2019, 08:54:26 am
Just as a matter of interest the tinned pilchards that we get are produced in RSA but the fish is imported. :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: tulips on December 05, 2019, 11:46:42 am
Nice shop
 I see a bunch of portable hippos and nunnus, given that the aussies are so strict on imports those must have baked fumigated certificated etc ?
I recall helping my mate scrub bicycle tyres, de-wax surfboards etc to go in his container, as fumigation fee? can be costly
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on December 05, 2019, 10:01:37 pm
That facial expression :biggrin:

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/y_l_zm9tszT0QKX-o_-NAYYI1l0Po5PosOIBEsHBxmkjCpDJ8aVnTU2LRP7xeU3rXZRMJ1u26-vEQO1bRD3ZsRVOGjfOTFhlu8oSS-BVY_kgZiIolyC1ix8oeoDpTa9ExB7KxhyOa0YUbn3TXWtG2ubwk_jbrPvt9FigKZv2GttAwHUV8vyOUIJpygPnlks3oqOXxSJLyTDxBtbJFWsA3ezQ6SD-bVz56UE1AXsZZFIe3koqkyajJhusf_6oO8fAkDjziGw0TLLyaZlVVHtWB58pVXu0fY9lkojJRACx5FTanEjBqWj-FpOVqKYTqQCkWHDIng85L_r52xK2SAfrMagfnFPfA9mpozNloX5hBieQtzNO4W6rQEJPSdRFeALxPVXAUpO1xBuOC9nMM28rKLKUTi0FIlQwlPEeB8gK4jySIDKq4NlfleHF3qIKTG3bf153-C8h25bmqWcV0NGCGrnuFtQjfAv3Rm7etTPEAHhi_rSX8VQKgrJredB4DdW22kjHTJNiS6ONCdRjCCxdxCKQjn9aspf-fboIqcmIAvy1LLg09avpF_kqnRcm8Tu2JZCq8b-b4Ux-ZTumDWocZvnz5a15Fhdi0xQ6O0mf_vVZSRS_cjXDQ7D1uZvVLdgcAUvR9Wve83KBA5gEEFiLDxA8GFkIaJPY_S05-aovJ5blitbM5JVDJEGWsQl-sCeiZowzwvrr_yLqFzi-YdfgRp83bdrT61dDGKOJfoS9r75h=w350-h466-no)

LOL thats Awesome!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on December 05, 2019, 10:10:41 pm
Nice shop
 I see a bunch of portable hippos and nunnus, given that the aussies are so strict on imports those must have baked fumigated certificated etc ?
I recall helping my mate scrub bicycle tyres, de-wax surfboards etc to go in his container, as fumigation fee? can be costly

The Cleaning fee can be pricey. But its a bit of a lucky pot. I have heard of people that unbeknownst to them have had their fridge delivered to them with the contents still inside. Vrot
When we landed on the island they went though our container with a fine tooth comb.
They spotted our Braai and said it needed to be professionally cleaned. If i remember correctly it was supposed to be in the range $500 odd. :o
We pushed back and said that it was already cleaned and they can go and fly a kite. We got lucky and they agreed. ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on December 05, 2019, 11:24:06 pm
So I have been away for a While but now I'm back briefly  O0

This was written mid 2017....

We are well into winter on the island and here it doesn’t come gently like it does on the mainland. There (the mainland) the African weather progresses like a queue in any government department, where the squares on the linoleum floor that have been haphazardly placed down over 40 years ago still serve as a distraction to pass the time as you try to figure out the logic to the pattern with the off coloured tiles.
The gentle breeze that brings in the chilled air slowly drops the temperature over the period of 3 weeks, pushing you unconsciously to dig into the back of the cupboard to find your winter woollies and remind yourself to buy that extra gas bottle this winter so you have it when there is a 3 day cold snap and none of the garages have gas bottles.
Here it’s a little different, in “Mel-Bourne” on the Sothern tip of the island the seasons change like a woman’s mood with PMS or a handprint mark on your back after a running-fuck-slap (personally I’ll take a RFS before a PMS Woman). One minute you are out in the garden sucking back on a stubbie, munching on a snagg, and the next thing its pissing down with rain, the the day becomes an hour shorter and the temperature plummets for the next five months to between 8 and 13 degrees. (at least with a RFS the pain subsides and your ribs heal)
Winter does bring winter sports however, and in Victoria, they don’t know what rugby is but they do love their footy.
I did try to explain footy and its rules a little in an earlier letter but now that Trenticles is playing it I have developed a broader understanding of the sport.
While it’s still a coconut kicking contest where the locals basically run around in laat-my-sterk-lyk-hempies and tight shorts. Its more than that, it’s an all-inclusive sport.
Firstly, the field is roundish, not because they are using a cricket pitch, or it made sense to use a rugby field, or a soccer field or hockey field or an athletics field. Its round because when they were measuring the size of the field there was only one person to do it. That said person decided to peg the one end of the string in the ground and just walk in a big ass circle.
Each side has 18 players, this is not because the field is so big, it’s because the island is an all-inclusive-group-hug kind of place and we would want to hurt someone’s feelings by making them a reserve and have them sit on the bench.
In every game, (no matter what kind of game, rugby, hocky etc..) you need a referee and in footy this is not different.
Well, actually, it is a little different. Being an all-inclusive-group-hug kind of place one referee is not enough, there is the main referee and then there are / can be an additional four, yes pappie that’s an additional 4 referees running around on the field assisting the main referee to blow the whistle, which they blow everytime someone catches a ball that someone else kicked.
It sounds a bit like a toi-toi outside a taxi rank sometimes. The referee positions are skilled positions and you need to go through years of training to become an official and get your green jersey. For example, after the ball has traversed the centre poles, there are four poles on each end, the man in the lab coat violently waves two white flags like is trying to surrender to the other man on the other side who is playing mirror mirror, the ball is given to the main Referee who takes it to the centre of the field and bounces it into the air so that the game can begin again.
Before he bounces it again however the other four referees have to stand on the corners of the square that is inside the field of play.
This is an interesting point as just last week on the news… that’s national news…. The Referees don’t want to bounce the ball anymore, because it puts too much strain on their bodies………yes. Stop… go back, read that again……. No lies. They have appointed a panel of doctors to investigate this and I’m sure the findings will be expensive. Flippen softes. Ag-ja-no-well… AANNNYYYYYYWWAAAYYYYYYYYY
Being a parent of the club, we are expected to join in on this group-hug of sports. To facilitate this they have positions that we need to fulfil on game days.
My First position that I successfully completed was “umpire escort” this is a particularly complicated position I realized when I received my bib indicating my position and my laminated instructions card. It was my job to escort the referees (the ones in the middle) to the middle of the field at the start of the game, I was to provide protection in between quarters on the field and escort them off and on the field at half time and at the end of the game.
Had I known how dangerous this game was for the referees I would have borrowed Trenticles gum guard during the breaks in the game. Every team has an equal and opposite official, by the way.
My next position that I was moved to was, “Waterboy”, here I get to run on the field and give water to the kids that look thirsty. I donned my bib with my designated official position and read my rule card. I also had one or two of the dads instruct me how to perform this job. Let’s just take a step back here…… there are 18 kids in each team on the field, they kick the ball to each other, there is no off-sides and each quarter is only 20 minutes. Apparently the kids are thirsty a lot and they need water all the time, also its frowned upon to say they need to run more before they get water….Really?????? …….WHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHAHAHA.. I was fired after the first half. Some 13 year old took over and probably did most of the running. Don’t forget that each team has the equal and opposite position.
My next position was goal umpire, that’s the dude that dons a white lab coat and stands at the end of the field by the 4 posts and has the job of watching the ball traverse through the middle two posts and point two finger guns at the referee (the main one) like a Rambo in Rambo or when it goes through the side posts one finger gun like John Wane in a western movie. Added to this complicated position of trying to look like Rambo or John Wane you also get to practice your Drum Majorettes flag waving skills and wave to the other guy on the other side of the field. (which means you have to watch what’s happening on that side of the field as well and that’s hard if you forgot your glasses.)
Other Positions that I have not been given a bib for yet, as they are apparently specialized, are:
•   Runner, where you get to give messages to the players from the coach.
•   Assistant Coach where you get to eat the oranges at half time and nod and hold your chin when the coach is talking, you also get to carry the white board to the change rooms and place the magnetic stickers on the board.
•   Team Manager, who gets to wash the kit, organize the rule cards, send the emails etc.
•   Boundary Umpire where you are given a whistle and can throw the ball in backwards that’s so you cant cheat…
•   Time keeper because the referee is too busy blowing his whistle to watch the stop watch.
•   Parent Voting, where you get to choose 3 or 4 awards for your team and the opposing team.

I’m sure there are more but its early days. Ok…..so lets do the numbers quickly.
36 players
5 Referees
2 Boundary Umpires
2 Umpire escorts
2 Goalpost umpires
2 water persons
2 Assistant Coaches
2 Team managers
2 Time keepers
2 Voting people
That’s 57 people for a game of kick the coconut. Anybody for a group hug?

Tangentially moving onto other matters more or less important than the coconut throwing madmen on the island and their antics, I/ we have been through a year of new experiences, ups and downs and tears and smiles.
Some experiences happen quickly and are fun like seeing proper snow for the first time, some happen slowly and are painful like converting to Rands when buying beer (R500/Case) or Biltong (R700/kg) or Wine (R100 for Tassies equivalent) or Smokes (R360 box)...
You know the little luxuries in life.
I'm pretty sure that the last time I drank this little I was in matric. On the glass is half full side of the mirror, I only need 6 beers to have a hangover now.
Where was I, oh yes.
When I arrived just over a year ago I was given a desk, a chair, a laptop, and cell-phone, and for the last year I have looked out the window at the road that goes past Monash University and waited for some sort of excitement, every now and again I get released from my cubicle and I am allowed to see a client.
We chit chat about the weather and the news highlights of the day, and sometimes, on a good day, the traffic is light, and it only takes 45 minutes to travel 20km.
But it’s always back to the Cubicle, my chair, and the Monash University road.
Just Recently however my life improved tenfold.
On any normal stock standard day my ass would be positioned on this device that resembles a chair, but after 8 hours of "sitting" this chair was more of a medieval torture device, my somewhat flabby gluteus maximus and gluteus minimus, have slowly, over the course of each day, being under constant pressure from my potjie pot smuggling shaped belly changed shape from being bumpy like a golf ball to square like my first date.
This unnatural shape for my ass cheeks makes for an interesting shooting pain up through my spinal column.
Watch an old movie of Frankenstein, when the monster starts walking, that’s what I look like when walking to my car.
Being classified as a second-class citizen you don’t just ask for a more comfortable seating device, you wait for the opportunity to acquire one.
Fast forward a year later, after I finally mastered the fine art sitting on a toilet seat with a square ass, and not sliding off. I was gifted with the opportunity of acquiring a new chair...... wow. 
The joy that I feel is so great that I am brought to a tear just thinking about my new chair….
Now, on Quiet days (Monday through Friday) when I watch real world through my window my thoughts are filled with motorbikes, new running routes and winning the lotto, not the long term effects of spinal curvature on an overweight 41 year old narcissist with a privileged white boy complex…. Life is good.  Here is a picture of the new device that keeps my ass and my mind in a happy place.  ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on December 06, 2019, 06:05:30 am
Thanks mate  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on December 06, 2019, 07:05:23 am

What he said  :laughing4: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on December 06, 2019, 08:46:33 am
Bozo, I love the way you f-upped all the footy jobs! That's how one get s away with it >:D >:D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on December 23, 2019, 10:47:15 pm
Thanks Guys!
So been out of service for while now. After moving house, completing a honey-do list its finally time to take a breather and catch up. I will catch you up with the details as soon as I have got them down on paper. :ricky:

In the mean time here is another update!!!

Our bags are packed and wonder woman delivered us to the airport at the crack of dawn.
Life was good, even the prospect of a 14-hour flight from Sydney to Johannesburg was not that daunting. We (Spiderpig, Trenticles and I) walked up to the check in counter and smiled sweetly at the friendly lady and announced that we were travelling to Johannesburg.
She took our papers and checked everything smiled and looked up and said, “Please wait here for 5 minutes”.
That’s when I had that sinking feeling. 5 minutes goes by and she returns with a side kick, he is looking official as he has a white shirt, pocket protector and is waving a form around like he is trying to swat flies. (which is strange because all the flies have migrated north for the winter) this can only mean one thing.... Trouble is brewing in the land of nod and my name is first on the list.
The Friendly fly swatting gent informs me that there is a form that needs to be completed and its missing a crucial certification stamp. My sinking feeling has been upgraded from “sinking” to “jumping out of an aeroplane with no parachute” and has gotten lodged in my brain stem and I'm stuck in stutter mode... I look at the fly swatting official bearer of bad news and the friendly ticket lady that has been trained in delivering bad news to South Africans returning to the cradle of mankind without the correct documentation.
Their facial expressions rigidly fixed like a goldfish stuck in a corner of the fishbowl and can’t remember how to reverse.
We are all stuck in this mess and nobody is going anywhere.
I'm trying to say to him: "This is incredibly bad news, what are my options?"
All that comes out is: "This is incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly,...."
Spiderpig jumpstarts my brain by pulling on my shirt and says meekly: "Dad, I need to poo…."
I Finish My sentence: “ …bad news, what are my options?”
Trenticles in the meantime has stepped 3 steps away from us and is trying desperately to show everyone that he has no idea who we are, but, has no choice to be there because I have his passport. 
With my plea for help with mister fly-swatter completed their expressions change and they start on the next phase of turning yet another South African family away.
I look at spiderpig and tell him that this is not the time to need to poo and that he should hold it in until this crisis is diverted.
There is a rushed conversation about wonder woman preforming a miracle U-turn on the highway so that she can be present with the chemist (certification agent) to certify her permission slip for me to take the boys out of the country (actually it’s into the country.). I wont go into details as this may or may not need plausible deniability in the future.
Needless to say, after there was lots of talking, conference calls, papers being shoved around and lots of thankyou’s happening all at once.
I rushed out of the Chemist in a semi sprint for the checking counter to make the flight and the helpful lady, who now had a new confused expression on her face, assisted us in getting our boarding passes and through security.
The airport is LARGE and we were boarding at gate 24. So a short jog and we were nearly there. All this time from arriving to getting to gate 24 was about 2 hours. In those 2 hours spiderpig has been holding back a truck load of devil doughnuts and they are knocking at the door like zealous girl scout selling cookies. He is ready to punish the porcelain in a big way, which is made clear by his sweating.
The short jog was not helping his situation. With my blood pressure now easing to just below 10000000/80 I say to him: “Don’t stress buddy you can go on the plane as soon as we are in the air.”
ahhhhhhh.... time to relax. we are on our way baby!!!!!!........NOT.......
Captain: “sccchhhhttthhhttt…(muffled voice over the intercom)…..ah ladies and gents, we have a small technical difficulty that the engineers are having a look at, the flux capacitor that needs to generate 34 gigawatts of bullshit is not working"
Spiderpig (sweating): "Dad, how long till we are in the air?"
Me: "arrrggghhhhhhh..."
Trenticles: says nothing he has his big earphones on and is bopping his head like a Nun on a bicycle travelling down a cobblestoned street.
Five endless minutes later and spiderpig is now turtle heading properly and there is an onset of shivers.
Captain: “scccccccchhhhhhhhhttthhhttt….. ahhhhh.. ladies and gents it seems that the front fell off and we need to cancel the flight"
Me: "aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh"
Spiderpig: “DAD, Dad, Dad,I need tooo pooooooooo"
Trenticles: still nothing.....its apparently a long cobblestone street!!!!
Captain: “sccccccchhhhcctttttt…. ahh for the travellers that are catching connecting international flights from Sydney please proceed to the service counter at gate one and we will see if we can assist you there."
Me: "Boytjies get ready to run, I’m not sleeping in Sydney tonight!!!"
Spiderpig: "Aren’t we supposed to be on holiday? Why do we have to run? I really need to poo now!!!"
Trenticles: "exercise? cool where we running to?"  sprints off without knowing who, when, why or where too.....
So off we go at at medium pace to Gate 1 from Gate 24, Trenticles checking his profile in his reflection, making minor adjustments to his hair and flexing his arms. Spiderpig now using the straight spine technique that you use when your colon has run out of space, and I'm wondering if my blood pressure could have been used to recharge the flux capacitor that is broken........ anyway, to cut a long story short, we are loaded onto the next flight to Sydney, Spiderpig’s poo has done a u-turn and is now lost in his colon, Trenticles has decided that he is hungry and that I should order the chicken for breakfast as he is having the beef and he also wants the chicken.........
After what seemed an eternity we finally arrived in South Africa, Trenticles had eaten all his meals as well as mine, I eventually moved him to the isle so that he could get snacks from the kitchen himself. Spiderpig now no longer needed his legs as a form transport, his lost poo was generating enough gas to keep him levitated above ground and all he needed was a string attached to leg and we could pull him around like a helium balloon.

Travelling with kids is hard.  :imaposer:



Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on December 23, 2019, 11:16:04 pm
Visit  continued.

At last the motherland, home, biltong, ice cold beer, peter styversant blue, burning tyres, zero regard for personal space and reckless taxi's. Fucksticks it felt good to be back.
Now after all this time I can finally blickzem a kid with an attitude.
I promise you won’t have to read a day by day account of our adventures, to do that would probably bore you, especially if you are not involved. But I will include some highlights.
For Example: Day one in the shopping centre Trenticles leans conspiratorially towards me and says. "I don’t know if you have noticed but, there are lots of black people here" 
WHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes you just have to laugh at the things kids say. On a different occasion later in the holiday we went to the shopping centre just outside Moloto (about 50km from Pretoria) and there were cows in the parking lot.
We had to take photos so the kids could show their mates back on the island... Stuff we have grown up with and don’t even notice anymore has now become a photo opportunity.
No wonder people ask if we have lions wondering around in the streets.
AAANNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
One quick story to share. I bought and allocated 1 gig of data to each person for the holiday, the deal was, I pay for the first gig, if you want to watch YouTube and other kak then you pay for the rest. 
We jump into the Toppie's (my dad) bakkie to travel north to Polokwane and I'm enjoying the freedom to travel at 131km/h* (that’s 11km/h over the speedlimit, sheer madness!!) on the highway without fear of losing my license.
Happy in the knowledge that kfc and a coke can solve any problem in Africa.
I’m daydreaming about our destination and eventually sucking back on an ice-cold castle light and choofing on a styvie blue, the music is pumping and life is good. We are about 30km from our destination and I get a SMS on my south african phone from Vodacom..... now because I'm a responsible driver, in holiday mode, on holiday and we are nearly there I just think "ah, I will read that later. its only 15 minutes to go".
We arrive at our destination and I get another SMS..... I’m thinking "WOW! Vodacom really likes me. I'd better check those sms's" .....
Turns out Vodacom really does like me. They have sent me sms's saying that my data is now depleted and that that I can take advantage of buying some more today at a special rate.
Apparently, I used 1 gig of data in 3 hours........Strange I thought back on the 3 hour trip and how peaceful it was, the kids didn’t fight, I was not asked to stop for food, and I did not have to play "I spy with my little eye" (you know you are REALLY bored when you have to play that)....
And then it slowly dawns on me, like that feeling that you get after your first out-of-motor plan car service, at RENAULT, or Landover.
You look at the figure, blink hard, you look up and the reception area that had 30 people mulling around and is now deserted, there is nobody to blame, you look down and as tears blur your vision you realize you have made a big mistake and should have bought a Toyota!!!!...
I have never owned one of those cars but I have seen and heard the pain...... I'm paraphrasing of course...
I had left my Wi-Fi on.....that’s the reason Spiderpig has been very quiet!!!!
Turns out Spiderpig used all my data because he thought that there was free Wi-Fi in the bakkie........ BLICKZEM.
Lesson to self. Obviously never Buy a Landover or a RENAULT (that’s for you guys) and remember to change your Wi-Fi password to StayTheFoffMywifiYouLittleShit..

*(that was the reading on the speedometer which is notoriously higher than true speed)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on December 23, 2019, 11:43:22 pm
 Spiderpig now using the straight spine technique that you use when your colon has run out of space,

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :spitcoffee: :spitcoffee: :lol8: :lol8: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: goodtoogo on December 24, 2019, 12:49:51 am
When you do publish, please do it as a south African, we all want to be able bask in the glow of the international acclaim

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: punisher on December 24, 2019, 12:54:56 am
i am so glad i stumbled upon this thread
fukkin hilarious

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:
i hope spider dude has had a poo  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on December 24, 2019, 06:45:15 am
When you do publish, please do it as a south African, we all want to be able bask in the glow of the international acclaim
:laughing4: :laughing4: :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on December 24, 2019, 08:54:37 am
Spiderpig now using the straight spine technique that you use when your colon has run out of space,

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :spitcoffee: :spitcoffee: :lol8: :lol8: :imaposer: :imaposer:

I started howling with laughter when I read this :imaposer:


When you do publish, please do it as a south African, we all want to be able bask in the glow of the international acclaim

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Agreed  O0 :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: woody1 on December 24, 2019, 09:44:53 am
Please share this as a word or pdf document for now.  :3some:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ican on December 25, 2019, 06:08:46 pm
I have been subscribed to a number of threads for quite some time but only started reading this today. Brilliant!
 :imaposer: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 03, 2020, 04:12:59 am
Please share this as a word or pdf document for now.  :3some:
Are you talking about all the letters that I have written?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 03, 2020, 04:22:26 am
After returning from the mother land.....
Life on the Island has returned back to normal and it would be frowned upon if I did not give you some current news, now in the old days, one would never let a good rumour go to waste, as we all know the local office water fountain chitchats are the glue that holds multinational cooperation’s together, if it was not for the short, whispered conversations about other people and their antics our lives would be terribly boring!!  We don’t have a watercooler or smokers corner in our office and as you already know I’m surrounded by super brainy qualified people that have a heightened mental state of mind where their synapse over firing lightbulb moment brains allow for what seems only serous conversations. Getting the latest skinner is not easy, so I’m sharing with you…
People, we have a biscuit hoarder in the office.. Now everyone has a favourite type of biscuit and those are normally in short supply and then there are waaayy too many of the kak ones that nobody likes. At tea time we can make a cuppa and have a biscuit and then you can carry on.. Well over time I have noticed that the good ones are always gone. No matter when I get there …it’s been a conundrum that has kept me busy for weeks on end. Well I have decided that either this person has the super natural ability to hear when a new tray of biscuits is opened and placed into the plastic container and they hide them or they have an inside connection and they have an advantage of knowing when its going to happen…. This is serous people, it’s like insider stock trading. The repercussions of having to eat kak biscuits all the time could lead from a simple harmless office rumour to full-on nerf gun warfare with people wasting good photocopier paper building defensive walls around their cubicles in fear for their lives.
Being inspired by the great detectives of our time, “The A Team, Murder She wrote, Jacke and the Fat man” I have made huge steps forward in my investigations and I have discovered the hiding place of the biscuit hoarder. He / She is hiding it in the…. Deep freeze… check, I have photographic evidence, and from the crumbs evident in the photo this has been going on for a while…. My plan is sneaky to catch this villain and I’m going to follow it through, but, I cant tell you yet as its sneaky and I have only thought it half way through….


Remember: There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 03, 2020, 04:45:34 am
I don’t have any headline breaking news about the Biscuit Hoarder, but, just to keep your inquisitive minds ticking over, I will let you in on the developments of my plans, I could get wonder woman to bring back a truck load of brooklax and add it to the coffee then wait while everyone chucks a sickie, as their devils doughnuts have been converted to filter coffee, but then problem is that if everyone is sick how will I know who that one specific deviant person is. Then offering people tiny chocolate bars one by one also has holes in my plan, especially when they get anal leakage two hours later…. I have another option, but its really a last resort, I can talk to someone in the office and possibly befriend them…..aahhh…… eish. There must be another way dammit…. I will surely bring this mystery to closure. And don’t fret I will keep you in the loop. We (that’s me with your imagined support) will stop that individual’s avarice in good time.
*quick edit before sending this mail*
Just before I sent this mail I did a quick reconnaissance mission to see how the gluttony was progressing, well this where the biscuits are kept in the kitchen, and as you can see there are lots of average ones. There is even the lekker shortbread ones.
 
And then I checked the “secret” hiding place and low-and-behold the cream of the crop, the ultimate biscuit (only four in box) is right there, all on its own, no friends, nada, nothing… completely alone in a dark cold hidey hole…. This is serious stuff.
 
*end of quick edit*

Now on to no less important matters at hand. You may remember a while ago I went on lyrically about the Musical and Movie "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner and Whitney Huston, "and IIIIIIIIiiiiiiiieeeeeIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiii, will always Love YouuuuuuUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUuuuuuuuu" Bottom lip quivering like a South African Tourist in Moscow in the middle of winter! Well, you will also remember that I told you that there was musical in Australia that was about the movie. WELLLLL here is some extra news about the musical and more importantly. The lady (Paulini Curuenavuli) that was the lead singer, she has a small problem, no she doesn’t have laryngitis or anything extreme like that. no.. no.. no, she was caught with a fake driver’s license, she apparently "bribed" a Queensland official (Faletausala Feesili Vaifale) some years ago to get it.
Why do you care?
Why do I care?, And what if you never knew about this?.....
Well you care because you are reading about this, I care because of this reason, well actually reasons.


And finally, what if you never knew about this? If you didn’t know about this then your life would not have dramatically changed, you won’t have an interesting topic to chat about at the dinner table tonight. You will never really know how difficult it is to say Paulini Curuenavuli and Faletausala Feesili Vaifale and now you understand the real reason people like that have nicknames like Paulie and Fatty. So now ask yourself, do you care? Yes, yes you do. And aren’t you glad you now know? Yes, now that you know you know.
I’m happy because I know that you know, that I know, that you are happy that you know now. This by the way has nothing to do with the pheasant plucker’s son, he is only plucking pheasant’s till the pheasant plucker comes.
Whilst on my travels in L'Afrique du Sud (keeping it international) I was privileged to spend three days with two friends doing what recharges the soul. Sparky Larky and Bushman Dave (soon to be re-nicknamed “talks-a-lot-on-bike-coms-when-super-excited-which-was-all-the-time”) We were all riding BMW GS’s and it was AWESOME. We were like 3 cowboys on a ranch in Texas…no no no no, like three wolves coming together and forming a wolf pack, naaaa, like Terence Hill and Bud Spencer in “Crime Busters” but with another person, nope that doesn’t work, anyway, moving along swiftly. We were on a mission and we were going all the way. We didn’t actually have a destination in mind, but we did know what we wanted to do, and that was ride, laugh, drink, laugh, ride and have fun. If there were tick boxes, we ticked them all. After a year of being bikeless, I got onto a 280kg bike and got left in the virtual dust as the other two rode off like they were greyhounds chasing a rabbit.. I cant say that that treatment was unexpected, we are fiends after all, and that’s what you do!!. After a couple hours of “getting back into the swing of things” I started to relax and life was good, my batteries were almost fully charged I was becoming Valentino Rossi (in my own mind) I could now keep up with the wannabe Ghost Riders that were now chasing the sunset.  Thinking about that time, the size of my mind, and all that, remined me of a fact that an ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
One hears these little tit bits of info and stores them in the event that one day you will need this, possibly for a green pie in an epic battle of trivial pursuit,  if not then tell your partner after sex and see what happens.
Anyway, in an effort to ruin the friendship, Sparky Larky and talks-a-lot-on-bike-coms-when-super-excited-which-was-all-the-time, who have just recently completed the Sani pass on their back wheels, decided that a short stint, like 100000km, of dirt road was in order. (maybe a little more than 40% extra for dramatic effect was added to that number) There was everything in the mix, there was rocks, old Datsun bakkies, washaways, thick sand, alles, Zonkie…. After a particularly bad section of tennis ball size rocks the wannabe ghost rider duo pulled over to check if I was still behind them. As I arrived, 10 minutes, later Sparky Larky pointed me down a road and said keep going till you get to tar…..at night when I lie in bed and everyone is sleeping, I can still hear the snickering as I rode away….. So I’m off down the road, I’d been through a couple of rough patches (this bike trip, not my life) of thick sand and I was feeling confident, hell I’m Charlie Bormann in the long way down. At one stage I’m travelling along a game fence at about 60km/h and I look to my right and there is an Ostrich running next to me. I’m thinking wow those basturds can really haul ass, then I look up and I see the end of the game fence in the distance, I’m watching the ostrich and the ostrich is watching me, I’m watching the ostrich rapidly run out of space. The ostrich is still watching me while going full tilt, like handbag thief at Sandton Square, and then it happens, the ostrich tries to make the corner and realizes in those two precious seconds, that speed, momentum, angular velocity and lack of grip from two toes on each foot is not going to work in its favour. At 60% of the corner done, when all good bikers know it’s time to start rolling on the power, this big eyed, pea brained fowl didn’t have enough lean angle and dropped off on the power, connecting the sand trap and BOOOIIINNNGGGGG, bounced off the game fence like it was a vertical trampoline! As I continued down the road I looked in the review mirror to see the cloud of dust settling and the ostrich calling me back for another dice!!  Sorry buddy I’m taking this win as a personal victory and will immortalize you forever in my letter. (also, I couldn’t stop as there was thick sand and my arms, legs and asshole were cramping)
This little trip was filled with awesome moments like this, I wished it could have gone on for another week, but as all good things must come to an end so did this trip. It did convince me to buy a bike on the island and I thought back over the years of the ones I have owned.
My starter bike was a Yahama XS 400 US Custom grey import. My Old man bought it in 1983 (I think) and used it to get to work and back. I remember I had a red helmet and absolutely loved getting a lift on that puppy. Fast forward to 1994 and I was riding that same bike, looking cool and burning the kak out of my legs on the exhaust pipe. I had a good couple of falls on that bike on the N1 to work and back. It was a bastard to kick start in winter. Fast forward to 2003 and I got introduced to the wonderful world of the BMW GS. The Grey 1150 GS was an absolute dream of a bike, pig heavy and fast like a rotten Durban bunny chow through your bowels. Sometime later Mark invited me for a plastics bike ride and handed me a KX 125 2smoke. It took one ride and I was hooked. At the end of that ride it was delivered to the house. (wonder woman was not happy) This was also the part where I started to break things.  The KX did in my collar bone. Then Gavin sold me his WR450, with warning labels attached. Horry shitballs. Most sane people move from a 125 to a 250 and end up being happy there. Going from a 125 to a 450 was interesting, there is no forgiveness from the monster 450cc. It’s just madness that screams go faster and shrinks your nuts. I found this out after cranking the throttle over jump, landing on the handle bars then overthem and then looking at my arm from a funny angle I had popped my shoulder. Then shorty after that was healed I found out again when I t-boned a mountain and broke some ribs, at some stage in this joy of petrol and adrenaline I bought the 1200GSA my dream bike and twisted my knee, which introduced me to the wonderful world of voltaren injections. The 1200 GSA also took tax out of my ass and lay down in a rocky river bed and on the side of a mountain in the middle of nowhere. Hell I miss those bikes. I wont mention the Harley Davidson……. But I actually miss that bike aswell. Anyhoo, I now have a Yamaha XT660Z Tenere, it’s a dual sport and it’s like a tame road legal version of the WR450. Its only got 80Km on the clock so after the 1000km service the engine should be ready for some fun!!!!

So to close off on my story today I have decided to use this advice for my kids when they get older.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
Dad replied: "Did you also notice the strong evidence that they all walked everywhere they went?"


There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on January 03, 2020, 08:09:23 am
 :imaposer: :imaposer: This is but like Spud for grown-ups.  :biggrin: Carry on.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Mr Zog on January 04, 2020, 02:39:49 am
Your mind is completely FUBAR...  :deal:  :eek7:

I LIKE it  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on January 04, 2020, 01:08:20 pm
Your mind is completely FUBAR...  :deal:  :eek7:

I LIKE it  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
I dunno how he got into Aus, or for them he seems normal!!! :deal: ;) :peepwall: :lol8:
The more I read the more respect I am getting for Wonder Woman and realize why she is name WW. ;) :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 05, 2020, 10:55:58 pm
Your mind is completely FUBAR...  :deal:  :eek7:

I LIKE it  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
I dunno how he got into Aus, or for them he seems normal!!! :deal: ;) :peepwall: :lol8:
The more I read the more respect I am getting for Wonder Woman and realize why she is name WW. ;) :lol8:
:laughing4:
There are challenges that I face on a daily basis that you may never know about.  :pot:

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ian in Great Brak River on January 06, 2020, 04:04:39 am
Happy New Year Boet.

 8)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 06, 2020, 07:17:08 am
Happy New Year Boet.

 8)
Thanks and to you too :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on January 06, 2020, 07:20:38 am
Yes , Happy New Year to you and fam down yonder....
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on January 06, 2020, 07:52:30 am
All the best for 2020, I hope it's a great year for the Family BOZO!

Do you mind if I ask about the fires in Australia? Seems the whole island is burning up, but you're not in the line of fire, are you? (no pun intended)
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on January 06, 2020, 09:54:54 am
All the best for 2020, I hope it's a great year for the Family BOZO!

Do you mind if I ask about the fires in Australia? Seems the whole island is burning up, but you're not in the line of fire, are you? (no pun intended)

Only from WW  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 06, 2020, 11:30:34 pm
Happy new year to you all. Thanks for the good wishes and I return the same to you and your families wherever you and they may be.

The fires have been hectic on the island this year. I think mainly because it was such a dry winter in Victoria and NSW, I'm not a meteorologist so I could be wrong. 
I think what people (worldwide and here on the island) don't understand is the areas that these fires are burning in. The Alpine national Forest is 1.6 million acres of forest.
Largely inaccessible forest. one does not simply drive ones landcruser through these places. So with out rain its hard to stop them.
We in Melbourne are safe as there is lots of concrete between us and the bush. There has however been a pall of smoke over us since Monday and will probably last until the weekend.
Pray for those poor souls that have lost everything.
Pray harder for those animals that have suffered what can only be a horrendous end.
Pray for rain.

 :'(

(https://imageresizer.static9.net.au/YWsbacjQfr9RaVIb9OaZanLvEwQ=/396x0/https%3A%2F%2Fprod.static9.net.au%2Ffs%2Fc07b37b1-8005-4615-9b6e-f287f90e1bb9)
(https://cdn.newsapi.com.au/image/v1/745af11574a065f8d9ff097fdc9bde0a?width=650) :'(
(https://cdn.newsapi.com.au/image/v1/c42058ffb54413bae40d2c12c6e04a8c?width=650) :'(

(https://cdn.newsapi.com.au/image/v1/20f9fc069da04fe6e54748241363d08d?width=1024)
(https://cdn.newsapi.com.au/image/v1/247c28e9e6664792b7093d515d532980?width=1024)

One thing that I must say surprised me about the Aussies is their support for the communities when something like this happens.
Yesterday on the radio on the way into work they were asking people to stop sending in care packages to one of the centers. They had something like 600 pallets of donated goods to send to the communities in need.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ENgRtBqXYAEsRB_?format=jpg&name=small)



Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 07, 2020, 02:41:31 am
Herro here is the next part of our saga.  O0

WHAT SUUUUUUP MENSE!!!!! What’s happening on your sides of the oceans?
We are just approaching the end of winter and in about 3 months’ time the sun “should” come out for about 5 minutes, we are ready for that yellow ball!
The sun cream is placed on the entrance hall table so that we can apply it to my see-through family, we even have our Gazebo close at hand so that if we make it to the beach, Wonder Woman and Trenticles can suntan in the shade.
We are not too concerned with spiderpig as he only comes out of the games room to deposit a load of “devils doughnuts“ and consume large quantities of 2-minute noodles.
I’m sure that lots (probably only 2 or 3) of people are keen to know what’s happened to the cookie thief and other such happenings.
Before we get to that I invite you to cast your mind back to when we were much younger and you had to have the dreaded railroad tracks attached to your teeth.
Those monstrosities that made you look like you’d lost a fight with barbed-wire fence. Braces were mostly for people whose teeth were so bad they could eat an apple through a tennis racket.
I heard that this was caused from sucking your thumb until you were twelve or having a mother that smoked ciggies during your path down the birth canal.
Now days in the past 10 years or so it’s become a fashion item, and here the Aussies that have metal in their mouths are generally the wealthy snobs that can travel to Bali to have them put on there.
If you can afford to have them fitted here, on the island, you mingle with the crowd that drinks skinny tall blacks, flat whites and know what an Affogato is, also you don’t mind spending $5 on tepid coffee.
I don’t fit into that category, I fit into the category of, when I see the price I want to vomit and I say “is jy fokken mal???”
But, and there is always a ”but” isn’t there?
We were not aware of this before we landed on the Island. Six Months before our departure we had Spiderpig’s choppers welded with shiny new tracks.
We happily landed here with our Souf-Effricen accents, suntans and flip-flops and just carried on regardless. Shortly after the regardless part however, we needed to get spiderpig an appointment with an Orthodontist.
Unlike marrage these days, once you start with braces, you can’t just call it quits and have a party. While I was grafting at work Wonder Woman found a chap called Dr Snow, as in Snow White, only his surname is not White its Snow and his first name is Andy not Snow so its Andy Snow not Snow White got it?….
Month after Month on a saterday morning I took Spiderpig to Dr Snow as he slowly fixed Spiderpig’s munchers. Every time we went to "Dr" Snow I told Spiderpig to take as much free shit as possible, tooth brushes, tooth paste, elastics, you name it pappie.
I was even tempted to take his national geographics from the waiting room but Spiderpig has a honest face and it looked like he would tell on me.
Eventually the tracks were removed and Dr "Snow" gave Spiderpig a retainer that he needs to wear every night for the next 18 months.
It’s a long story with no real point but if I told you the point first you could just skip to the end and that’s pathetic.
Anyyyyyyyywayyyyyyyy this story actually has two endings both unrelated but interesting nonetheless.
Spiderpig’s face cost us almost the same as the BMW GSA that I sold before we left the mother country. Which means that when that little shit plays PlayStation and smiles, I feel some (maby one) emotional joy that straight teeth are the number one reason PlayStation geeks get laid…..
Playing PlayStation is obviously a physically challenging activity for kids, just this school holiday I have seen spiderpig devour 4 packets of noodles in one sitting, but the best part is the late-night snacking.
I don’t have to wait up to catch one of the two human eating machines that live in my house, I normally just see the remains of empty packets and crumbs strewn across the expanse of the kitchen counter.
Because of this it’s difficult to single-out which one of these thieving hell-swine’s is performing these midnight raids on our stash. I was 90% sure that it was the eldest oxygen thief.
Interrogating them under a bright spot light or waterboarding them only ends up with denials and endless finger pointing.
Lucky I have picked up a few tips at the office in becoming a super sleuth and sometimes, just sometimes, the world turns in my favour and I am delivered a little gift from the gods.
One Morning I was making coffee for wonder woman and myself, (just standard instant coffee, army issue, none of that fancy frappe, ristetto kak) and low and behold, right there in the cupboard, next to the biscuit tin (empty), is Spiderpig’s retainer (HA HA got you, you blicksem!!!)…
Needless to say, I waited for the perfect moment that night to launch into my best “Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury” diatribe. It was a “touch and go” argument for a while until I closed the case with my presentation of the evidence.
Like Cinderella and her glass slipper, this retainer was a perfect fit!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHA HET JOU KATVIS!!!!!! I’m Loving it!!! Patience is my new weapon to teenage resistance.
Well that what I thought, apparently sometimes patience doesn’t always work.
In the office, every now and again we get surprised with a random two week enforced sugar free diet, it’s a radical new type of diet, and it’s pretty simple, this is how it works.
The lazy fucking admin person just doesn’t buy sugar, because he is waiting for the order to be big enough so he doesn’t have to pay delivery fees, this Admin person drives a BMW X5 so obviously I can understand why it’s important to save on the $2 delivery fee on the company credit card…..
This random sugar diet has had yin-yang effect on my quest to catch the cookie smuggler. I had a feeling that this person was going to be cantankerous in their efforts to the placement of their cookies in their sneaky hidey-holes.
I had a feeling that he was onto my masterful efforts to track him down and catch him red handed. To prepare for this battle of the minds (mine being the weaker) I embarked on an upskilling exercise and continued to watch episodes of Murder She Wrote and Magnum P.I.
I even watched MacGyver in case I ever needed to repair a RENAULT with a toothpick and staple gun. (generally its eaiser to just push it into the horbour)
I was making great lengths forward and was at the precipice of nabbing this cunning crook, when the random sugar free diet hit us, this was a particularly bad one as the diet lasted for 3 weeks instead of the normal 2 weeks.
As this person (the cookie thief) seems to drink sugar in their coffee (instant) they took a reprieve from chowing down on hidden treats for the same amount of time.
My mission was on hold. My main reason for driving through the grey clouds in the morning and being first in the office was fading fast, what was I to do?????
And then the fasting ended. A bright light of happiness shone through the cloud of despair that had descended on my parade.
We had Sugar, BOOM BABY!! Game on, for 5 more days I inspected the hidey-holes, nothing, nada, zero, zilch. Alas my quest had come to an abrupt end.
I can only assume that my thief had succumbed to the food gurus. Possibly Tim Noakes’s eat only heart stopping fat and enjoy life diet.
I think my cookie muncher has become a vegan, wad de fok!, now all I see in the morning is some disgusting concoction in cup.
It’s so bad that I can’t describe it so I took a picture..
This is the cup…
 
This is the kak in the cup…yuk!

Needless to say, I think it’s a phase, nobody can actually drink that and be happy, if someone in office has a mental breakdown or tries to kill themselves with a plastic spoon or a chopstick I’m willing to bet $20 that that’s my cookie smuggler.
When they snap out of their master chef delirium and start tucking into the tastyies again its gonna be overs kadovers for them. Now all I have to do find out who owns this mickey mouse monster mug.
Does this bring this gripping case to a close? Hell no! Not by long shot, but, when it does it will make my discovery even sweeter. 
On other interesting news Trenticles got some vacation work and has been grafting, digging holes, filling cracks in walls etc. He gets home tired and has worked through the stage where he is ready to eat his left foot.
It has saved us a fortune in holiday hunger pangs and has extended his and Spiderpig’s life span by at least 6 weeks. He was paid $100 a day…… F@#$$@ ME that’s good money. 8 days of work and he puts R8000.00 in his back pocket….
This money was so hot it burnt a hole straight through pocket. But hey easy come easy go. Before he spent it he was desperate for me to take a photo of him.
One to be able to look at his money that he earned and one to show to his mates in SA I’m sure. 
As you can see in the picture, he thinks he is a “gangsta my bra”. Splashing the cash all over the place. Just like all “gangsta’s” the early onset of Parkinson’s is starting to show with his head stuck in perpetual motion rocking back and forth between the hours of one and eleven.
The very next day, he was up and out of the house as soon as the shops opened, a wallet full of cash, and places to go, he hot footed it like a lonely sheep in stuck in a paddock in Perth on a Friday night.
Of all the places to go he went to the apple store and came back with an iphone. Of all the things to buy, a phone, and its an apple, before we know it he will arrive at home in a Landover and I will have to strike him from my will.
It’s a shame really, I used to like that kid.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on January 07, 2020, 07:52:22 am
iPhone? The boy has taste :imaposer:

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 28, 2020, 11:02:18 pm
Taste  :laughing4: Naa Mate, just another pawn in the world of over priced tech.  8)

Anyhooo I'm back after a short sabbatical, We had Wonder Woman's sister visit us for 2 weeks.
So its been a busy time living the high life.
I will be writing about that experience soon enough.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 28, 2020, 11:19:41 pm
Sitting at the airport in Sydney, I decided to order a draught, it had been a long day, work was picking up this bill, and I had some time to kill.
It’s pretty cool in the airports here, there are bar’s and coffee shops all over the place. I didn’t have to walk far to find a place to drink and reflect on some of the lessons learned in my life. Although extensive travelling has the ability to turn you into a misanthrope one can and should use these opportunities to observe and learn new things, well, that’s what my shrink used to tell me (I think it’s too late for me). As I sat down and opened my wallet, being careful to avoid the escaping moths, I glanced around and took a closer look at the people around me.
There were the tradies sucking back cold ones, their eyes darting left and right just above the rim of the glass, which reminded me of a crocodile’s eyes when its submerged in the water at the edge of a watering hole. Then there were the business ladies that were the equivalent of the unsuspecting impala coming down to that very same watering hole to quench their thirst built up from chewing on dry flavourless grass all day, their only defence mechanism is to avoid eye contact by staring at their iPhone’s. Then you get the young up-and-coming crowd that are wearing brand name stuff, the guys are wearing t-shirts that are so small you would think they bought it for their baby sister, and the jeans are hopelessly too short but they make up for that by pulling their short socks all the way up. That’s the definition of a twatwaffel right there. The ladies are typically trying to wear the same as the guys and that’s ok, nothing wrong with a tight t-shirt. But they are so obsessed with instagram, snapchat and selfies that they forget that the dooshbag next to them is trying to order a draught and if they could just skootch over a touch it would make everyone’s life easier. Now that I had scoped out my fellow patrons it was time to get down to the business of ordering an ice-cold golden beverage that will wash way the sales and technical splurge that I had spoken for the last 8 hours.
You would think that ordering a Draught is easy…………..
In soufeffrika and quite possibly in many other countries, there are 2 sizes of draughts that you can buy, the standard 500ml and a ladies size, or a big one and a small one.
Also no matter where you travel, be it from Springbok to Richards bay or Kakstad to Musina a draught is a draught, it’s a beer in a big glass, if there is a language difference you can use your thumb and index finger to indicate your wish, if they are separated by a distance of more that 4cm it means a big draught if it less than that then you had better have your girlfriend with you or be alone because you’re a pissy if you drink ladies sized beers.
One would expect the same to happen on the island ne’
The Barman comes round and tjunes me:
 “Howya goin mate?, Whatill it be?”
Having spent some time aboard I know that I can’t order a castle or a black label, so I glance that the tap’s on offer and say:
“I’ll have the white rabbit pale ale thanks”.
Its obviously popular and he says:
“aahg we’re out mate”
I’m ok with as that as there are 3 more options to choose from. Problem is I don’t have my glasses on and I can’t see the labels of my remaining options. I glance around and the biggest sign says Bloomers so I decide that’s a good option. So I say:
“I’ll have a Bloomers please.”
“Sure thing mate, what size? “
“oh, I’m sorry I didn’t know I had options, a Draught Please”
“Yea, what Size Glass?”
“What are my options?”
His eyeballs slowly rotate backwards in his head, obviously to look at the glass sizes, he takes a deep breath and says:
“Pony, Seven, Middy, Schmiddy, Schooner or a Pint”
The only word I recognized there was pint so in order to get the whites of his eyes back to where they were supposed to be I said:
“Gimmie a Pint thanks”
He reached down and grabbed a pint glass and poured me what looked like was going to be an amazing beer. While he was pouring it I assumed that the reason he rolled his eyes back like that was his way of remembering the list of glasses, and not actually looking for the glasses on the shelf behind him. One never knows!!
This is not the end of the story but I do have to step away momentarily on order to educate you on how to order a draught on the island.
Firstly like footy everyone and their dog was involved in this, depending on the state that you are in (I don’t mean pissed or sober, I’m talking about province like WA, NT, NSW etc.. ) will depend how you order a Draught. If you are drinking and driving then there is the standard drink size to consider, which, believe it or not, is about the same amount that a coconut holds. You can’t make this shit up…. I can see it now, a bunch of prisoners running around getting pissed on fermented coconuts, and the wife starts chirping Bruce, “OI !!!! only 3 coconuts tonight with the boys or you can sleep outside with the kids!!”. So to order a coconut sized or standard sized beer in Melbourne you can ask for a “Pot”, in Perth it’s a “Middy”, and in Darwin is a “Handle”. If you are playing coinage and like to see the barman pouring sip sized drinks you can order a “Foursie” in Melbourne, a “Shetland” in Perth and because it was hot that day in Darwin and work was cancelled they called it a “small beer”… thank goodness, you won’t have to remember any of these exotic names to impress your lass, of you want to talk foreign to her just check the price of the beer and use the expressions that come naturally to you. To order the biggest beer they have just ask for a pint. Strangely in all the states the big beer is called “pint”.. below is a (pic) for you to peruse at your leisure.

Right now that we are all educated on how to order a pint, I can get back to my story.
My beautiful golden brew was placed in front of me, on a coaster that had a picture of the opera house and said “I love Sydney” , as I watched the condensation run down the side of the glass I licked my lips in preparation for the first sip of that nectar from the gods. MAN I deserved this beer!! I took a firm grip and being sure not to drop a single drop of this liquid gold @R95 I took a massive gulp, it was cold, its was crisp, it was so so so wrong,….. my eyes opened, my moment of utter joy completely destroyed, this was not beer! What the FUUUUUCCK!!! It was a cider! A Cider in draught glass…. It tasted like 500ml of stomach acid from a Chewbacca that had a pie for breakfast. And smelt like a cat had just eaten a frot lizard and wanted to lick your face. Now what???? I had no choice, I had to drink it. I had those slanty eyed Tradies checking me out, business ladies were peering over their iphone’s and there was sudden dip in the noise levels in the room everyone wanted to see if I could finish a pint of Chewbacca vomit….. China you don’t know what I can put back.! I finished that Draught, as every sip slowly lifted my back teeth, I slotted that like a home sick mole. Dry Heaves and all!!!
So to recap: In soufeffrika in 9 different provinces you can order a draught by simply saying “draught bier assablief  barman”. If he is deaf then you can use the world wide known hand signal by separating your thumb and index finger by more than 4 cm.  boom done. Ice cold draught in your hand. R30 well spent.
On the island you need to have a reference card to indicate the correct size and name of the glass, then you need to be sure that you are actually ordering a beer and then if that all goes wrong, order tap water in a pint glass.

I suppose it’s better than ordering a drought beer!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on January 29, 2020, 05:38:05 am
Now that was very entertaining - thank you!  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: mox on January 29, 2020, 08:05:22 am
 :spitcoffee:  :laughing4: Thanks, this read made my day!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on January 29, 2020, 08:26:00 am
Bozo, I think to avoid confusion, just order a jug... :pot:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on January 29, 2020, 09:02:12 am
Geesh, these antipodeans sure can take the fun out of drinking!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 29, 2020, 10:39:12 pm
Bozo, I think to avoid confusion, just order a jug... :pot:

Good Plan!!!  :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 29, 2020, 10:41:38 pm
Geesh, these antipodeans sure can take the fun out of drinking!
True that...
"They can try, but they will never take away my FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOM of choice to choose my own size beer!"
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on January 29, 2020, 11:02:02 pm
Time for 2 part story.

This is not a heartthrob story of love and betrayal nor is it a legendary story of Icarus and his destiny to rise towards the sun and eventually realize that doing a job on the cheap is going to hurt you in the long run.
Those kind of stories require deep thought and effort to build in some kind of life lesson that you can walk away with and use later in life.
My short life lesson that I’d like to share is “Never look directly into the sun” which is useless with my see-through family as they are always hiding from it, or, its as per usual cloudy here.
As I brood over that, in the far back the dark corners of my mind the word “parable” shines it’s light and remind me of how you can say one thing but mean something else.
It’s a lot like talking to the opposite gender and thinking that you know what they mean when they say “Fine do whatever you like!!” ……..Apparently, it doesn’t mean that.  :o

This tale lends itself more to, how can I put this creatively, the ramblings of an indolent fellow that will try to take a very boring mental realization and portray it as a full-blown life event of epic proportions.
So basically, it just bullshit, Karkpraat, and in Island terms its spinning a yarn.
Remember always add 40% for drama we only live once, and you will probably only read this once so I better make it worth your effort.
This fable starts in a past life, before the island, in a land far away the land of milk and crime.
As part of an unwritten job requirement (AKA: to keep my job) it was obligatory / enforced upon me, and others, by my boss (real one not wonder woman) to attend psychology sessions with the 24/7 on-call shrink, although I thoroughly (not really) enjoyed these sessions of brain dismemberment or advanced personality manipulation techniques, I never forgot who was paying for them and I held back on some of the topics that certainly should have been discussed, as those conversations would probably have blown her mind, and afforded me a free white jacket with extra-long sleeves and a comfortable padded room.  :eek7:
In these sessions however, I learned that we all have an “inner voice” and that this inner voice has a clinical term called “self-talk”. If you are special you can have more than one “inner-voice”, and if you are REALLY special they talk at the same time, awfully loudly, all the time. This inner-voice is what you use to guide your thoughts and make moral and sometimes immoral decisions. 
This inner voice translates written words into the voice you hear now while you read these words of wisdom. (MIND = BLOWN!!!!)
Just think about that for 2 minutes. If there was no voice in your head would you understand these word?….. What if that voice stopped taking to you??? (please refer to earlier capitalized words. (MIND = BLOWN x 2).
I find it best to stay friends with this inner-voice as you may need them at 4 am to counsel you not to call your ex-boss\girlfriend\bookie and submit unwarranted tips about how to use a toilet brush inappropriately.
Some people give this inner-voice a name, if you have more than one, I would recommend giving them pet names to make it easier to keep track of the conversations going on inside your head and who said what.
I call the two main characters in my head Joey and Esmeralda. Esmeralda (a beefy Gaul woman with a deep voice, that looks like Hydrophobia from an Asterix comic) that , in my case has been trained to be the motivator in my life, I use Esmeralda ,mostly friendly, when I put on my running takkies and attempt to pound out the kilometres on the black-top, at first Esmeralda used to get me from lamp-post to lamp-post. Recently however, Esmeralda has been through a personality hic-cup (must be a woman thing) and I have had to fall back on my other go-to voice, Joey, to keep the Bruce Fordyce wannabe voice under control.
Just the other day while out running I was attempting to crest an uphill, sweating profusely, and breathing like an asthmatic in a pollen cloud, Joey (who incidentally likes to dop, smoke, talk kak, and doesn’t really get on with Esmeralda) was saying,
”You need a break, have a rest”
Esmeralda was there as always coaching me
“You can do it!! Top of the hill, you feel no pain, JA JA JA!! YOU ARE A LEGEND!!”. 
I was about to ask for a vote on this matter and was looking for the elusive 3rd person to assist in my quandary, when a Tradie drove passed and shouted out the window of his UTE (that’s a bakkie)
“Common Mate push yourself!!”.
I attempted to smile at him and give him a wave but as I looked up the sweat ran into my eyes which made me stumble and lose my rhythm which in turn settled the debate of run or rest. I slowed to a walk, blocked out Esmeralda’s bitching and concentrated on my music. I was walking past the same tradie, and he said to me,
“Hey mate, you look like you have been training hard, how far have you run?”
I turned around, wheezing, squinting through burning eyes and pointed about 100m down the road and said,
“From the two-story house over there!”.
I realized then and there that I needed to change my motivational consultant Esmeralda. Not because of the distance I had run, but because I should have listened to Joey and asked for a lift home! ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 01, 2020, 12:51:57 am
Part 2  ;D
ANNNYYYYYYWAY,
The actual experience I wanted to share happened last week when I gave training to 10 Aussies from the same company, they were all from different areas of this business and they all had their own opinions about how stuff should work.
This is not uncommon as we all have our ideas as to how things should work. I have given hundreds of training courses in my life, I have given presentations to 200+ people, so I think I speak into a microphone of experience when I say I know what I’m doing.
I also have been told that I have a face for radio, or, was that voice? I digress, that’s a different story.
Of these hundreds of training courses that I have given there has always been somebody to do the setup of the refreshments, the collecting of coffee and tea cups and do the clean-up and resetting before next break and the next day. To be honest I have never had to think about it. WELL guess what, I had to think about it and do it. All of a sudden, I was missing Lina and Janet that just operated silently, and until now, unappreciated in the background making our lives easier.
Then there was the actual class and the participants…
Wonder Woman and I have seen this before at the kid’s presentations, and we have commented to each other how rude the aussie are.
When the presenter is trying to give a speech, or read out names for prizes there is always some sideline conversation going on.
But that’s a social thing and there was beer involved so we just leave it and think nothing more of it.
I was 10 minutes into my first lesson talking about some technical shit when two Aussie’s started having a conversation about something completely unrelated, I stopped talking and waited for them to finish their story.
When they were done I started again, then another two Aussie’s decided that they also needed to have a chinny-wag. Now I’m normally quite professional at work and would never insult a customer, and this time nothing changed, but, I wanted to issue some RFS’s around that week.
My weapon of choice was to ask them if they heard what I said when they were struggling with the exercises. But even that had no real effect.
Eventually I just had to keep taking over people having conversations. How do we expect our kids to have good manners when the adults act like that! Sis man!
I’m not one to Judge. (Joey said that) (WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Ok so I am one to Judge, (Esmeralda made me tell the truth). But if someone asks me to give my impression of Aussies right now:
They are rude. >:(
A little bit of respect for your fellow man be it in class or at a presentation and it will go a long way to elevating your stupid opinion when the time comes.
The wheel of justice turns slowly and karma is a bitch. Seems I’m getting payback for all the comments I have made at weddings. :deal:
Oh well. Some of these experiences are better lived through than read through.
And although difficult, English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Onto Bigger and Brighter topics.
It’s Almost December that means that everyone will be going on holiday, Father Christmas will be delivering toys to people all over the world and we will be drinking beer and wine and getting sun burnt under our massive Gazebo.
I will be placing 660cc of throbbing Yamaha between my thighs and embarking on a road trip into the unknown.
If I make it out on the other side I will be sure to send you some stories of how I met the wild dingo’s that ate the baby, kangaroos that survived the main road at night and cuddled a chlamydia encrusted koala bear.
I can’t say what will happen if I run into any sheep, but I promise to pack some braai spice!!!  :drif:
 If you are interested to see my planned journey I have put a picture below. Check those squiggly lines….. whoop whoop!!!
 
For my Closing Statements in this possibly my last letter for the year. I bid you farewell and to go forth and prosper, enjoy your time off, enjoy your time with your friends and family, and think of us because we will be thinking of you…
ZOY!!!!! 
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on February 01, 2020, 08:18:43 am
 :sip:

I guess it's not your problem if no one takes anything on board, but still, so rude!

Looking forward to road trip stories :ricky:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Wooly Bugger on February 01, 2020, 10:58:08 am
What a great read!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 03, 2020, 01:31:24 am
Bike report from the island.

I really appreciate all the responses that I got from the last few letters, thanks. I will at some stage try to proof read my letters better before I send them off again.
The Year has started and we need to have something to smile about, hopefully this account will deliver you 5 minutes of pleasure. :peepwall:
Its early morning, somewhere close to the island, the sun is rising over the icebergs that have drifted up from the south pole, just behind them there is a palm tree waving its fronds back and forth, like a spaced out hippy at a music festival, inviting the unsuspecting islanders to pop down to the beach for a good drenching from the rain clouds hiding just below the horizon, ahhhh feels like is just another day in the metropolis of Melbourne.
Lucky for me I was about 350km away from the suburban crush of people, cars, buildings, traffic lights, shopping malls and did I mention people.

I’m in the mountains, a lonely sheep screams repeatedly for the sun to dry the grass. She knows that having wet legs and smelling like a sheep dog does nothing to improve the romance for the mystery date on a cliff edge that she overheard the farmer chatting about in his ute (bakkie) yesterday arvo.
Still, even closer I’m lying on my self-inflating mattress, I can feel the after effects of the 7th schooner of coopers pale ale, my eyes are slowly adjusting to the light streaming in through the open flaps of my tent and I can see my Motorbike waiting patiently for me in the pasture, like Silver waiting for The Lone Ranger, ready to set off into the great unknown in search of glory and adventure.
If happiness is a state of where I am then that’s what I got, there is probably a medical term for it like “bliss”, I like to use a simple phrase like “fokken lekka”.
The dull thud behind my eyeballs makes me smile and I think back to the locals I was dopping with last night.
I was sitting at the bar, looking at the walls covered in stubby coolers, and other cool pub paraphernalia, I had a schooner in my hand, my foot on the foot-rest and I was looking around at the locals.
A couple stroll in and they are clearly locals, money doesn’t cross palms and greetings are long and filled with swear words, eventually Bruce orders a schooner of Carlton on tap and Sheela says she will have a rum.
All good I think, and the barlady says bottle or tap? My head snaps, like a whip and as my eyes follow suit and eventually stabilize on the situation unfolding in front of me.
The bar lady picks up a draft glass adds ice and steps over to the draught machine, she pulls on the handle and out comes dirty coke. It looked exactly like Captain Morgan and coke. BOOM RUM AND COKE ON TAP BABY!!!
I know lots of people that will come to the island specifically for that!!!!!!
But AAANNNYYYYYYWWAAYYYY I digress. This is supposed to be a bike trip report.
Its morning now and the sheep seems to be really excited about her date as she is really driving me crazy and the other campers around me are starting to take bets about who gets to eat her for dinner tonight.
I pack up my trusty steed and decide it’s time to set off into glory and further my adventure into the great unknown, but first, I gotta-gopher-a-dump, The Parma I had for dinner last night was so big I recon this one could be a record setter. As you all know we don’t often go out for dinner or have takeouts as it’s a bit pricey and some kid always over indulges and shoots a cat after dinner. A Parma is a Aussie thing, you take a big dinner plate, add chips to the bottom like a base of a pizza, then add a chicken schnitzel the same size of the plate then add cheese sauce over the top. That’s a basic Parma. I had a meat lovers Parma, so that’s a basic parma with bacon, salami, chirrizos and salad.  :drif:
Now you know why I said record setter!!!
I fumbled with the little red happy button and fired up the lusty Steed causing the single 10cm diameter piston to travel the full length of 8.4cm up the shaft causing 10 atmospheres of compressed air and petrol, the sparkplug fired causing a small explosion that was converting the air mixture to become poisonous gas, MAN it was good to be alive. The whopping 35kW of power turned the back wheels and I was off to find a dunny (Toilet). 700 meters down the road I found the public toilets and my eyes told my ass that it was time, the prairie dogs were keen to see what was going on and there was a rush to drop the kids off at the pool.
In the middle of nowhere next to a neatly trimmed filed here were 5 public toilets that were clean and neat there was toilet paper and doors that locked.
Camping in the mountains was going to be fun.  My route was planned and I set off on the Wonnangatta Rd, the original plan was to follow the road all the way to the top and eventually come out at Wabonga or something like that, well, there are plans and then there is the reality of what really goes down. My trusty steed and I were meandering along the dusty curved roads of crooked river, we were absorbing the beauty of nature and the smell of dust, sweat and kangaroo shit.
Eventually after 50km or so I realized that the last human I had seen was 20 km ago, the road was deteriorating at a rapid pace and I was now concerned about getting a puncture. *Yet another thing to add to the list, when on a solo adventure ride one should pack a extra set of tubes and gas*. With this in mind I stopped next to the river and thought about life in general. I thought about staying there for the night but it was only 9:30 and I had nothing else to do. Not even a fishing rod. I decided that I would follow a different route out of the mountain.
Lucky for me all the entertainment I needed was between my legs and the thrill was controlled by my wrist. We found another twisty dirt road that kept the ring muscle tight and the eyeballs clear! Sliding back tyres, dust, Roo’s, Wombats, Monitor lizards, and a fox were my company for the return trip. Eventually like payslips and birthdays, all good things come to an end and I was on the road home.
This was due to bad planning on my behalf but at least I now know what I didn’t know, and know now what I need to know for the next adventure. Like a bigger map. And larger man balloons.

Below are some pictures of the trip.


Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on February 03, 2020, 10:01:35 am
Bozo what is the price of a new 660 Z in Aus dollars?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on February 03, 2020, 11:46:13 am
are you coming  Chris?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on February 03, 2020, 12:22:34 pm
are you coming  Chris?
There is noo way they'd allow me in, and neither can I use the "have you got a criminal record" one cause I don't have that either. ;) >:D

Just interested in how much things cost in Aus in your money not converted into rand.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 03, 2020, 10:48:29 pm
Bozo what is the price of a new 660 Z in Aus dollars?
On road cost is about $14 000.00  (on road being all the hidden costs.
I made the mistake of buying mine new. Which is, in my defense, an acceptable mistake. I had, and still have, no idea how it works here with buying a secondhand bike privately.
Asking anybody how the process works is like pulling teeth.
If I was to do it again I would only look at the secondhand market. A bike like mine with extras like crash-bars, single pipe, panniers, center stand etc etc  in mint condition can be found in the $8k - $10k area.
Only thing is, I don't think I would buy a bike here. Its just not the same.

Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on February 04, 2020, 02:08:59 am
You've got something there Bozo. I've just bought a second one mainly for my wife and also for something smaller to use on tracks and getting through unmade creek crossings but it really isn't the same. It is cheaper to rego as a solo ($320 a year) and there are quite a few low mileage bikes at a reasonable price which have been sitting in garages but you are right. It's not the same.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: Takashi on February 04, 2020, 07:54:58 am
Only thing is, I don't think I would buy a bike here. Its just not the same.

but you are right. It's not the same.

Care to elaborate on these two statements?

Is it because of the lack of riders sharing a similar mindset or the areas you ride?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on February 04, 2020, 10:16:47 am
Only thing is, I don't think I would buy a bike here. Its just not the same.

but you are right. It's not the same.

Care to elaborate on these two statements?

Is it because of the lack of riders sharing a similar mindset or the areas you ride?
I have pondered about the "it's not the same" ending and wondered could it possibly be not the same as in South Africa?
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 04, 2020, 11:16:51 pm
Good question, and its hard to explain why its not the same. For me I think its got to do with a number of things.
Firstly I think the biggest issue is the speed limit, I know it sounds stupid to say without some perspective so let me put it this way.
You have planned a weekend away to Dullstroom and you live in centurion. Imagine driving the from centurion all the way to Witbank at 80Km/h and then being able to open up the taps and let those horses free right up until 110km/h only to have to reign your steed back in after 20km because there is a town ahead and you need to go 60km/h….

Secondly, and this again is a personal thing, when I did my first trip in to the alpine national forest I was all gung ho, bear grilles would have been proud of the size of my kahoonas. My previous trips that I have done have all be adventures over borders, sleeping on the side of the road, eating dodge food and drinking beer at a shabeen, you know all the good stuff. When I met a fellow biker at the Dargo pub and I told him my route, he shat little possum pellets and told me I was mad. “Did I understand the danger that I was placing myself in? Did I have a sat Phone?” Then when I got home I got the same lecture from Wonder Woman. That little bit if excitement of the unknown was also taken away.

Third, and I know it me, but I really struggle to find a group, person, that I can ride with, they either want to go 40km then stop for coffee, or ride 600km for the day.

I have wondered about betting a plastic but it’s not worth it here (VIC), I would need to trailer the bike 2 to 3 hours out of town before I could find the first available place to ride.

Having said all of that I’m not sure if it’s all of those, a combination of them or just one single thing that I cant pin point. I did a trip round Tazzie and it felt better, it felt more like it used to.

So Ya, Its not the same…
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on February 04, 2020, 11:54:39 pm
I met a Aussie in Namibia once on a bike trip. He has a couple of big bikes like GSA and Ducatti's.
He ask me to imagine to ride a 1200 at 100 kph for a day or days on end!! He said it's not even good for the gearbox to keep it in sixth at that speed.
Next day I tried it, I kept at it for 15 very long minutes and kept my bike in 5th. 120 feels soooo much better.

Yes it will not be the same...
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on February 05, 2020, 04:40:06 am
What Bozo said, also most land here is in private hands so even though there are common droving paths the landowners are a bit sniffy about finding you on them. My son is going to collect the firearms from a farmer who has been brandishing his rifle at people swimming in the creek next to his smallholding. They can be very possessive over their little bit of Australia.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on February 07, 2020, 01:52:37 am
Only in Australia!

The government has copped a lot of flak over the state sponsored national internet roll out called NBN which is running slower than anticipated and if they are using stuff like this I am not surprised!
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 07, 2020, 05:54:03 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 07, 2020, 06:06:07 am
Hi All, thanks for reading my stories about the island. I'm away for a little bit but I thought I would just leave this one here for the weekend.
Over Christmas we went down to a place called Wilsons Promontory National Park. It’s probably as far south as you can go in Australia. As a destination, its popular for alot of people holding a 457 visa and not so much for the citizens. Our neighbours were fresh out of Monty Casino and there was plenty of nodding while talking going on. We camped for a couple of days and if you have ever camped before you will know that there are good parts to camping and bad parts, the good parts are the conversations, the laughs, the preparing of food and the outdoors-y-ness of it all. The bad part are the shared toilets, noisy neighbours and the packing up. For me I like the part that when the sun is up or down its beer o’clock. You just reach into the esky and grab an ice-cold tin of amber brew. Slot it into a stubby holder and chill. Keeping bottled chicken cool is top priority and a job that I take very seriously, so on day one I decided that I would walk up to the shop and buy a bag of ice, clearly, I had not taken into account that walking a kilometre and back in 28 degrees would not only melt the $5 bag of ice but it would also elongate my arms by an extra 10cm. So the next day I loaded Trenticles onto the bakkie that we borrowed and off we went to buy more frozen water. When I parked in the car park I looked at the silver jeep parked next to us and I said to Trenticles.
“It takes a special kind of twatwaffle to do that to his mode of transport. Low profiles are nice on a GTI or a Ferrari, or a Lamborghini, low profiles on a Jeep compass is just plain dof.”
 
Normally I would not have shared this story but when certain events happen so close together I cant help but feel the need for you to be brought up to speed with the type of Muppets that we are forced to breath air with here on the island. Trenticles went all gangster on me and used words like sick, yo, skirt skirt, foshizzel and crackin.
He said “yo bra, thats sick, he must look foshizzel getting round in that skirt skirt and the sound must be crackin”
Being the cool dad, I was into it and was agreeing with him. I said “yo man, that dude must be wearing a skirt, he also needs a shovel to bury his sick head after he gets a good crackin”
I assumed from the look I got from Trenticles that something was lost in translation.  Anyway, I forgot about it until today when outside my office I saw this………WTF!!! Makes me think of Mike Tyson, his first night in jail, on all fours in the bathroom, covered in gold glitter. A world Champion Boxer that’s lost the plot.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 07, 2020, 06:13:54 am
Anyway this kicked of a discussion with Trenticles about nice things, and he was like “I’m not really into clothes and stuff but its nice to have sharp threads and feel smart, and, you know that name brand stuff is good quality, and, that its worth spending the extra Dollars.”
This was coming from a 15-year-old Neanderthal that can’t lift his feet when he walks and has the ability to turn a brand new pair of takkies from shiny and new to tattered rags in a matter of weeks. I’ve seen a hessian bag full of biltong being mauled by Pitbulls last longer than shoes on that boy. Then to make matters worse the knuckle dragging Teenager goes out and buys a white tee-shirt and jacket with his Xmas money, which can attract dirt like a tesla coil shooting lightning in a faraday cage. Who, I ask you is going to keep that clean? Obviously not the person that’s wearing it!  They, these garments from hell, have some fancy smancy name and I’m sure if you looked close enough at the label there is a tag that says, “you have just been ripped off, smile dumbass”.
But, who am I to judge? What does my opinion count in these matters? It’s no secret that I have no sense of colour coding and the process of getting dressed involves taking from the top of the pile. I learnt my fashion sense parrot style.
•   You can wear black with any colour just not another black
•   Wearing slippers or going to the shops bare feet is not ok
•   Shorts with holes where your plumbs hang out are for home use only
•   Free balling is not permitted when visiting friends or going to work
•   Shirts tucked in tee shirts hang out
•   Answering “Yes” to “Are you really going to wear that?” is incorrect.

I won’t harp on the fact that I permanently hear how broke the poor little swine is, and that he just doesn’t have nice things, but, watch him order the whole left side of the menu at Maccas and then gulp down 20 litres of Slush puppies from seven eleven and then ask him what he did with his cash and you get the standard “eish angas” answer, followed shortly by the cupped hand waiting for me to cross his palm with gold, again. I suppose the concept of money is still a mystery to this generation of youth, apparently if you want money and nice things, you just have to dream about it and it happens. This dream can apparently come to fruition, because, at the ripe old age of 15 you are clearly entitled to the entire salary that both parents earn, should that not be enough, questions about parental career choice and changing to a job that pays more are not uncommon.
“If Jimmy boy down the road has $2000 takkies why can’t I have them aswell?”
The island has this stupid rule that prohibits shortening the lifespan of 15 year old’s so I had to take a different route. I can’t start to argue about clothes as its difficult (for me) to draw parallels on a cost to benefit ratio so I clenched my teeth and waited for my opportunity.  I didn’t have to wait long. The subjects of “why don’t you drive the Lexus, and why don’t we have a boat? Came up. Two more of my favourite topics including REANLUT’s, Landrovers and parking ticket officials.
The Lexus is easy but I decided to go with a boat story.
Boats are expensive toys that are great for burning cash. If you are sitting on a pile of it and want to get rid of it, buy a boat.
Here is a little breakdown of how to do it
When buying a boat there is no point in buying a ‘Tinny’ although it floats and is made of steel, you are not going to get any complements from young blonds on the prowl. Remember that if you have a nice boat you will automatically have more friends so it needs to seat a fair amount of “Friends”
I did a quick search for “What boat do I buy to show everyone I have money to burn and no personality?”
Google returned exactly the information I was looking for. A “Force 26 Cross Over”.
It seats 12 people so there is lots of space for your new “friends”. In the advert it has young skinny smiling people, they are in the prime of their lives and clearly loving the experience, in reality you know that at least 60% to 80% of your new mates are going to be old and wrinkled, some will have false teeth, and most will be 3 shit’s behind so you will need some serous pulling power, especially if you want to drag some miserable twit balancing on a plank behind you, this boat solves that problem as well and is equipped with a Mercury Verado 400R.
With the boat and motor selected let’s get down to the nitty gritty. 
Boat and Engine $ 168 000 *
Trailer $ 22 110 *
(*yes that’s correct it’s a number Zuma cannot pronounce if I put it in Rands)
You will need a car to move this monstrosity from dam to dam weighing in at just under 3 tonnes its pretty heavy, so a battery powered Lexus in not going to cut it, you will also need to get there so RENAULTS and Landrovers are also out. A Landcruiser would be top choice. A good second hand one is easy to find and you can look at spending $ 50 000 for a REALLY GOOD one.
Ok so we are set now.
Total spend so far we are sitting on $ 240 110.00* I have not mentioned insurance, Rego, services etc etc. and we still have not put this in the water. Anyway, call your friends and fill the esky it’s party time. Oh wait, stop, stop! it needs fuel. Lucky there is a petrol station at the dock and you can fill up there, it’s a 300 litre tank so plan carefully, 300 takes a while to fill. Fuel at $ 1.35/l will set you back a mere $ 405. Quick convert to Rands at current rates. R4550.00 *eish*
OK NOW we can hit the water. All 12 ageing fat friends brimming with excitement and cholesterol get on the 7.7 meter boat, you mash the accelerator and there is no conversation, there is only streaked tears sliding across their faces as you show everyone just how amazing your toy is, revving the engine at 7000rpm, you are doing 107kph, and consuming 145 litres/hour. When you eventually stop and turn around the woman are cradling their boobs to stop them from being ripped off in the bumps, there is the occasional grunt and groan from the men and one happy smiling face…..yours! You wait patiently for everyone to rehydrate their eyeballs by pouring beer into them and you realize that it time to turn back, as you are almost out of fuel and its time refill.
Lucky this will never happen in on the island as there is probably some speed limit on water where you can only do 25km/h. ahhhhh this blisss!!! Bet you are happy you own a boat now you poephol.
AANNNYYYYYYYWAY I digress, back to cost to benefit ratio.
Armed with these facts and what I thought was a well thought out thorough argument, I sat Trenticles down and said something along the lines of:
“If you have a boat and drive it around a dam in a clockwise direction, which is all you can do, you are going to get red eyes, sea sick, cover 200km or a couple of laps and spend $ 400.
This results in additional labour getting to the destination, launching etc, and a smaller pile of cash.”
He blinked, I continued.
“If you took that same $400 and put it in the battery powered Lexus you can cover 4300km your journey starts when you turn the key and ends when you feel like it. If you took that same $400 and put it into the Yamaha, you could do 5400km. Journey starts when you turn the key and every km covered is exciting and fun. These distances could take you into the outback, through mountains, into deserts and even to a place with warm water where you can take $5 blowup lilo and soak up the suns life giving rays.”
His eyes glazed over, his head dropped slowly and I could see that I had lost him.
I suppose the PowerPoint I created in anticipation of this event was overkill but hey what if it had worked? What if I had broken through, then you all would have been calling me for my PowerPoint and my research. In anticipation of you flooding my inbox with requests I have decided that I will share some of these insights I uncovered.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 07, 2020, 06:17:45 am
image one
As you can see the blue line is the best line and that’s the one you want. The grey line is how to burn a pile of cash quickly.
Moral of the story? There is none, there is only teenager’s vs parents. In our lives there is a span of time that needs to pass, so that when the teenagers turn 18 you can smile and wave as you close the door and call the locksmith.
Until then use something simple to explain cost benefit ratio. For example, when I pay the bills things work, when I don’t they stop. Or one that is available on tap, like, when your attitude sucks things stop working for you like the internet. Using a simple graphic like this also helps. 😊

Image2
When the whining starts to reach a crescendo about how unfair life is, no need to go hoarse engaging in a pointless argument, just keep it simple and switch to the next image while nodding your head.
My personal favroute.
Image3
Yes I know, it doesn't always stop the fight or the sulks, but there is a certain degree of satisfaction derived from watching a confused Aussie Teenager trying to understand how a PowerPoint is used as a visual aid in an argument.
Try it next time, start with your better half and utilize PowerPoint to kill an argument and I suppose any chance of romance…..
Till next time.
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on February 07, 2020, 08:31:44 am
Friday morning sorted....fanks!  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 09, 2020, 11:58:28 pm
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I realize that there are few people here that actually like boats and even own them.
Add to that, that we live in a world of super sensitivity where, having an opinion or, god forbid, poking a bit of fun at someones hobby, passion, makes people shit kittens.
....
Brace yourself, because here it comes.
......
I'm sorry.....
also.....



I'm not sorry, if you want an apology bring a slab of beer to my house and lets have a beer and see how we can toughen you up by looking at life from outside the box. ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 10, 2020, 12:14:34 am
Yesterday there was a charity cricket match in Melbourne to raise funds for the bushfire crisis.
It was entertaining to watch, with some cricket legends showing that they still have the goods.
Its amazing to see that in 20 overs. (10 a side) that they could raise so much money.  :thumleft:
I may just still be a bit cynical but i would love to see how much of that actually reaches the people and communities that need it.

Bushfire Cricket Bash legends match raises $7.7m
Ponting XI beats Gilchrist XI as legends turn it on, but real winners are those impacted by Australia's bushfires across a devastating summer

https://www.cricket.com.au/news/bushfire-bash-cricket-live-stream-ponting-xi-gilchrist-xi-sachin-tendulkar-how-to-watch-legends/2020-02-09 (https://www.cricket.com.au/news/bushfire-bash-cricket-live-stream-ponting-xi-gilchrist-xi-sachin-tendulkar-how-to-watch-legends/2020-02-09)
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 10, 2020, 10:30:09 pm
So there I was, looking out of the window at the road wondering if anything interesting was going to transpire for the day. The highlights for the day included a warm westerly wind, or was it northerly, still have no idea which way north is in this place, that was trying to dislodge a lonely looking Magpie from its perch, I had 2:1 odds paying out that the wind would last longer than the Magpie. So ya it was a slow day… And then it happened…. My phone rang. The sharp repetitive sound driving me to nearly defenestrate it, but I held back and instead I looked at it with distain, firstly that would mean that I would need to talk to someone and if the magpie flew away while I was distracted I would miss the celebratory moment I had been waiting for, for five minutes.
That call set in motion a series of events that all started from a random request from a client on the other side of the ditch. I was sent there as I’m the go to guy for IT stuff on this island apparently. This place I went to is also an island well its actually split into 2 islands appropriately named north island and south island. It’s not tooo far away and it has people with accents easier to understand than say a refugee from Northern Sudan. This is probably due to the fact that they don’t talk through their nasal cavity like the Aussies. They also have a second language, possibly more, I don’t really know. This land of legends has given us great rugby players to watch and respect (real rugby not that namby pamby stuff the softies play) and was used to film most of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy as well and the Hobbit.  I’m sure by now you will have guessed that I was sent to New Zealand for work not Tasmania nothing comes from Tasmania except cousins that marry each other. News Headline “The Git on the island gets flown to another island.”
Being a souf effrican we are not allowed to travel to New Zealand without asking for express permission, this asking does not come cheap and I had to fork out almost $200. The web site says that Visa approval takes approximately 20 -25 working days and if there are any issues you loose your money and you need apply again. Sounds fair……….Kinda…..  I applied online and uploaded all the required documents and paid the money, they stipulate that you need to send your passport to them which they will send back after charging you another $20.  I went to the post office and sent it using Australian post. That was the Monday. I assumed that this was the start and that I would hear from them in 20 – 25 days. The next Monday my passport was in the post-box. I assumed that there was an issue as there was no new stamps in it or any fancy stickers. Just before I picked up the phone to give them a call they informed me that my visa had been approved for one visit…..yes you read that correctly. I will have to go through this process every time I need to go to New Zillland. The good that comes from this story is how efficient they are, and the bad is the Fu#$#!!n Admin to get it.
Anyhoooooo moving along swiftly to something more interesting I have some stories I would like to share with you about New Zealand.
Firstly the accents are similar but different, it’s not like speaking to a Scotsman or a Welshmen where you just nod your head and sip your beer, its like speaking to an English South African from Ellisras, it’s there and you can understand them but somethings just not right.
So to put it simply, when speaking to someone from New Zealand you need to accentuate your “e”s to “I”s  drop the “a”s and change the “i”s to “o”s 
New Zealand would be pronounced "New Zilllind", and
Ten minutes” should sound like “teen meenuts.
“awesome” or “Auckland,” you say “oarsome” or “Oarkland.”
“Fish and chips” should sound like “fush and chups.”, and

“Can I have another beer please barman” will be “Kin I hev nuther biir pliz birmin”. 

The last phrase was easy to perfect after 5 beers and I decided that this was my preferred method of communication on my whirlwind tour of the islands.
For the Travellers out there I’m sure you will agree it doesn’t matter where in the world you are, all boardrooms look the same and the conversations are all the same.
One oke is talking, one oke is nodding, one oke is playing on his phone and another is fighting off the crippling sleeping effects of a PowerPoint while a small group are playing boardroom bingo.
I started off in Auckland aka “Oarkland” and drove north or south to Hamilton where I had my first encounter with a stacking parking lot. Ya that’s what I said. A stacking parking lot. I was told to reverse into the space provided and leave my keys at reception.
Now being a man this was obviously very easy for me but I can tell you if you don’t have a penis don’t bother trying to reverse park your car without assistance. (HEE HEE HEE head down to avoid flying objects)  :pot:
Anyway once its parked the car lifts up and other cars can park below it. Pretty cool stuff. After I reverse parked the Battlestar I needed beer.
So I trotted off to the nearest pub and tested out my new language skills. “Kin I hev nuther biir pliz birmin”.  He smiled and rewarded me with a pint of Hamilton’s finest imported Guinness, ahhh good times.
Whilst in Hamilton we were invited to dinner, there was some argy bargy between the sales guy and the customer about where to go and what to eat, the customer looked in my direction and said to the sales guy what do you think the Yaapie (NZ term for a South African)  wants to eat. I heard terms like Sashimi, Sushi, Chinese, Fish and Soup. It was time to jump in with my one third vote. “ I’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy” I added from the side. That comment was brushed off like a plea for sweets from a redheaded stepchild. There was a short debate and the decision was to do Japanese food. For the uneducated this is not like going to Spur, Burger King or Maccas, its apparently an eating experience. You are seated around a square table that has a big hot metal square plate in the middle. You have a chef that stands on the one side that cooks the food in front of you. Our Chef was freshly imported from Asia, I think someone else wrote his English test, he takes his position and pulls out his knife and spatula and begins the ceremony. There was a lot of swinging blades and spatulas some rat-a-tat-tat on the stove and some throwing of utensils in the sky. Our little ninja chef looked like he was attacking what could have been a swarm of invisible gogoa’s that were clearly going for his throat, the look of desperation in his face and the way he squinted all the time made me wonder if he was in an emotionally rewarding job or if he simply needed to go for a shit. Every now and again he would hit one of his imaginary bugs and chop it up on the hot plate. “Zing zing ting ting.” Some eye contact was made during the opening ritual and orders of unmentionable inedible things were placed.
While all of this was happening, I thought I had made a connection with him (the chef), with all the hand signals and the nodding and grinning going on. After all we have similar things in common, we are both from a distant land, we both speak a different language, he eats raw fish, I eat raw meat, and we both believe that a Toyota is better than a RENAULT.(can’t guarantee that last comment but I’m pretty sure it true.) Through this imagined connection I thought we had built, I felt I was in the zone to ask him something personal and deep. You know the kind of question that makes you sit back and think “Wow!!!! What a deep and personal question to be asked by a complete stranger, I think I may just have to answer that!” So, I formulated my question and was about to ask him
“How long did he have to train to become a Sashimi chef?”
At that point before I could utter a word, he took the onion tower he had been meticulously building in-between the ting-ting-zing-zing-knife-flip-spatula-tap-tap and poured some oil into it and lit the oil causing a small table sized atomic bomb with smoke billowing out in a mushroom cloud from the top of the onion tower.
I was like “FUCK!”. I was not expecting that!!!
His expression changed from squinty eyes to very squinty eyes and I assumed that this must be the penultimate display of his years of training in Ninja chef camp and the closing of the ritual before he actually got down to cooking some food.
My well thought out question was going to be brilliantly timed, the answer, no matter what, was going to be life changing. I was ready. I just had to wait for the last part of the shindy. We were at the crescendo when, with a pained expression on his face (more squinty eyes) he slowly lifted a wooden whistle to his lips and said “Rooook heeerrr a chooka train” and he pushed the burning onion tower across the hot plate and blew his wooden whistle “toot toot”……..
Disappointment is an emotion that can only be felt when you buy a RENAULT or when you travel to a distant land to watch a Sashimi chef make a burning steam train out of onion rings and blow a wooden whistle.
To say that my question was no longer important is an understatement, I had lost my will to connect with our chef and more importantly I had moved on to debating with myself how I was going to hide the scallops which are basically, big raw bulls eyes, swimming in a soup of congealed squid slime, mixed with the vomit and shit of a teething baby, in gravy. No matter how much ting-ting-zing-zing-walla-walla-ding-ding you add to that stuff it isn’t fit for human consumption. After I tasted the first one I was ill, and with the prospect of 3 more to get down I just have to say, I don’t often use malaphors but the thought of having to eat that had me sweating like a stuck pig.
I forced down the raw fish and the seaweed concoctions and silently prayed for death to take me sooner than later, my stomach was telling my throat and my lower intestine that one is going to have to open as it was not going to hold this “stuff” for much longer. Luckily brain power, sheer will power as well as gag reflex stopped the vomit from traveling back up my throat pipe and it made its way into what was hopefully my small intestine. All I had to do now was survive the 2 hour drive back to Oarkland.
AANNNNYYYYYYYHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I Survived and I’m also pretty sure that I don’t like eating anything that swims in its own shit and piss.
I would rather take my chances with enterprise polony from Polokwane or Paw Paws from Griffith, NSW thank you very much.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017%E2%80%9318_South_African_listeriosis_outbreak (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017%E2%80%9318_South_African_listeriosis_outbreak)

I could say that is “never odd or even” or “Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?” to end of this letter with a palindrome but instead I will end this off with a special note
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on February 11, 2020, 09:48:27 am
 :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on February 11, 2020, 10:47:11 am
...
I Survived and I’m also pretty sure that I don’t like eating anything that swims in its own shit and piss.
...

So, you don't eat fish then :pot: :peepwall:

 ;)

I have lived through one of these Jap eating functions before and I can relate, however, as a train nut I have never been so lucky to have a pile of onions steam training around. You should consider yourself lucky....in my world that is.... O0
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on February 12, 2020, 06:08:51 am
Taste  :laughing4: Naa Mate, just another pawn in the world of over priced tech.  8)

Anyhooo I'm back after a short sabbatical, We had Wonder Woman's sister visit us for 2 weeks.
So its been a busy time living the high life.
I will be writing about that experience soon enough.

How does she look?  Didja at least get a knob polish?  :peepwall: :pot:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on February 12, 2020, 04:31:35 pm
You make the island sound like such fun, BOZO. Lots of characters wearing funny hats and large bulbous shoes. And propeller bowties. And now you have another two islands to play on!

As an aside, there's the story about the New Zillinder having a conversation with god, effusively thanking god for all the great things he blessed New Zillind with. You knows, clean oceans, Hollywood scenery, strong girls, the best rugby team in the world, etc, etc. At which point god smiled a little smile and said "before you get too carried away, wait until you see the bunch of eejits I have had delivered to the island next to you..."
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: JMOL on February 12, 2020, 05:17:27 pm
 :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 13, 2020, 07:33:17 am
Taste  :laughing4: Naa Mate, just another pawn in the world of over priced tech.  8)

Anyhooo I'm back after a short sabbatical, We had Wonder Woman's sister visit us for 2 weeks.
So its been a busy time living the high life.
I will be writing about that experience soon enough.

How does she look?  Didja at least get a knob polish?  :peepwall: :pot:

 :laughing4: :laughing4: No but I did get her to clean my car....
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 13, 2020, 07:35:43 am


So, you don't eat fish then :pot: :peepwall:

 ;)


Nope No Fish for me thanks!!. to many bones and kak. I just wanna enjoy my food not play with it.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 18, 2020, 07:23:05 am
Today is a sad sad day.  :'(

I practically pulled teeth for a "mate" back home.
A job opportunity came up for him and I put his name forward. I said all the right things at the right time etc etc. (He is the right person for the job)

Anyway long story short he gets the job. All he has to do is go through the process of getting the visa and arriving here.
4 months later he has stopped talking to me after I asked him (I didn't pester him I promise) whats happening with his visa and if he needs help.
My dreams of having a person to talk to at work are shattered.
Even worse my hopes to have a friend to have a braai and talk kak with are down the drain.. :'(
Nearly four years on and I still hate this place...... Loneliness is a bitch.

Maby it wouldn't be so bad if he just said, " I changed my mind" actually if he said anything at all it would be nice.

Oh well. Chin up. Move on. drink a cement pill and harden up... I think its time to write another letter.

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: corne.l on February 18, 2020, 08:20:48 am
Today is a sad sad day.  :'(

I practically pulled teeth for a "mate" back home.
A job opportunity came up for him and I put his name forward. I said all the right things at the right time etc etc. (He is the right person for the job)

Anyway long story short he gets the job. All he has to do is go through the process of getting the visa and arriving here.
4 months later he has stopped talking to me after I asked him (I didn't pester him I promise) whats happening with his visa and if he needs help.
My dreams of having a person to talk to at work are shattered.
Even worse my hopes to have a friend to have a braai and talk kak with are down the drain.. :'(
Nearly four years on and I still hate this place...... Loneliness is a bitch.

Maby it wouldn't be so bad if he just said, " I changed my mind" actually if he said anything at all it would be nice.

Oh well. Chin up. Move on. drink a cement pill and harden up... I think its time to write another letter.

Sorry to hear about being dropped ... it is people like that, that makes it difficult for people like me that actually want to move !!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on February 18, 2020, 09:16:58 am
That's just plain "kak" style man. He's not a friend. Who does that?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on February 18, 2020, 10:42:11 am
Nearly four years on and I still hate this place...... Loneliness is a bitch.

Put an add in the local paper, they should have an Hoekie vir Eensame Africans and there must be other Saffers that need a kuier.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 18, 2020, 10:59:32 pm
Hate is a strong word. I don't hate this place. in fact its been really good to me and the family. My wife and kids are happy.
In a couple of months we can get citizenship and my boys have a great chance at building a future for themselves.
For that I'm thankful. For that single reason I know that I made the right decision to come here.
So I will admit that I don't hate this place. Sometimes disappointment in the human race can affect ones outlook on life.
ok I feel better now! Thanks for listening
--- climbs of soapbox, hat in hand, walks away----
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 18, 2020, 11:10:08 pm
Nearly four years on and I still hate this place...... Loneliness is a bitch.

Put an add in the local paper, they should have an Hoekie vir Eensame Africans and there must be other Saffers that need a kuier.

There are lots of faceboooook groups, and even communities around that have get together's, We have actually committed to going to one of their shindiggs in April.
Should be fun, will need to work on my Afrikaans and my sokkie moves. I will take some millie miel to goi on the dans floor so we can slide lekker!!!! :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on February 19, 2020, 07:49:48 am
That's just plain "kak" style man. He's not a friend. Who does that?

Fully agreed >:(

Karma is also a bitch and he'd just better hope she didn't take note of him.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on February 19, 2020, 07:53:27 am
Has Corona hit the island yet?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on February 19, 2020, 09:30:46 am
Nearly four years on and I still hate this place...... Loneliness is a bitch.

Put an add in the local paper, they should have an Hoekie vir Eensame Africans and there must be other Saffers that need a kuier.

There are lots of faceboooook groups, and even communities around that have get together's, We have actually committed to going to one of their shindiggs in April.
Should be fun, will need to work on my Afrikaans and my sokkie moves. I will take some millie miel to goi on the dans floor so we can slide lekker!!!! :imaposer:
Bozo do the Aussies kuier at home round the braai like we do? Or are they very private people?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on February 19, 2020, 10:00:21 am
 I don't hate this place. in fact its been really good to me and the family.

Bozo a hypothetical question if I may.

If the Wonderfull Woman and the boys drown in a Mexican wave at a Footy match would you come back to SA or would you stay?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: mox on February 19, 2020, 12:37:16 pm
I don't hate this place. in fact its been really good to me and the family.

Bozo a hypothetical question if I may.

If the Wonderfull Woman and the boys drown in a Mexican wave at a Footy match would you come back to SA or would you stay?
[/q :spitcoffee:uote] valid question  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on February 19, 2020, 12:59:13 pm
--- climbs of soapbox, hat in hand, walks away----
That's life...  and people. Won't matter where you go. And then something brilliant happens, and all is good again (note I didn't say the sun comes out again - given Melbourne and all that). Tough out the bad and enjoy the good to the hilt!   :biggrin:

Really, really enjoying the Island Epistles!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 19, 2020, 10:40:47 pm
Has Corona hit the island yet?

Yes in a big way. Not the Virus as such, although there are 200 Aussies that are being flown to Darwin today and being kept in Quarantine. They have been stuck on a cruse ship for the last 2 weeks.
The bigger problem is the manufacturing plans have been closed, Exports and Imports (our biggest market)  has slowed dramatically.
So the roll on effect has been quite bad.

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 19, 2020, 10:59:40 pm
Bozo do the Aussies kuier at home round the braai like we do? Or are they very private people?

Some kuier at home like we do but its not the same because of the million and one laws. So there is always this cloud hanging over you head where you can have fun but not too much.
Just one example.  https://service.vic.gov.au/find-services/outdoor-and-recreation/register-a-party-with-the-partysafe-program (https://service.vic.gov.au/find-services/outdoor-and-recreation/register-a-party-with-the-partysafe-program)  :biggrin:
I think it also depends on where you are on the island. Here in the bourne its a cafe culture, so people meet for a coffee.
As for Private People, I don't think so. I think is more like they don't really like immigrants, so they are friendly and will chat to you, but don't expect an invite to anything except a fundraiser.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 19, 2020, 11:07:03 pm

If the Wonderfull Woman and the boys drown in a Mexican wave at a Footy match would you come back to SA or would you stay?

My immediate answer is absa-fucken-loooootly. But the reality is probably not. I would not stay here though. (would need to ponder this one for a while)  :dontknow:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: immigrant on February 20, 2020, 02:37:59 am

I think is more like they don't really like immigrants, so they are friendly and will chat to you, but don't expect an invite to anything except a fundraiser.
I find that friendships develop up to a certain point to where all the questions about the old country has been asked, and the novelty of this strange person from a strange land wears off. And then the relationship tapers off because we really have no “history” together, or rather we have nothing in common. I sometimes wonder if its actually us immigrants that don’t pursue the friendship because we know it will end up in nothing....

Here we visit around the fire, but don’t braai together. All social events take place after supper, and you bring your own beer
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on February 20, 2020, 08:13:00 am
So sad.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 21, 2020, 03:02:18 am

I think is more like they don't really like immigrants, so they are friendly and will chat to you, but don't expect an invite to anything except a fundraiser.
I find that friendships develop up to a certain point to where all the questions about the old country has been asked, and the novelty of this strange person from a strange land wears off. And then the relationship tapers off because we really have no “history” together, or rather we have nothing in common. I sometimes wonder if its actually us immigrants that don’t pursue the friendship because we know it will end up in nothing....

Here we visit around the fire, but don’t braai together. All social events take place after supper, and you bring your own beer

Yep that's exactly it.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on February 21, 2020, 06:56:27 am
Ok Enough Back to story time!!!!


It’s been relatively quiet here on the island and news has been scarce like hen’s teeth, Easter is approaching and I thought I should look for some news to share and just like that it was delivered. It a topical story and will probably make no sense in two years so if you are getting this via the South African Postal Service, apologies. If not, I hope you read this before Wonder Woman reads my last three mails. 😊
Cricket, it’s a funny old game. When you think of cricket I’m sure you think about summer, whites (the clothes), sunburn, the crack of leather on willow and cucumber sarmies.
On day one at tea time, everyone runs, no not runs, enthusiastically walks into the dining room and appreciates what was a sprinkling of lettuce leaves amongst the sarmies on the tray, way the crust has been removed and sliced into little triangles. There is laughter and stuffed cheeks as the sarmies are wolfed down by hungry kitchen staff. The scraps are left for the teams to blame the other team for eating all of it.
On day two the cucumber has turned slightly slimy and the bread is now starting to harden on the edges while the middle as sucked all the humidity from the room and tried to return to dough. The lettuce has started to wilt and so has your enthusiasm to eat these triangles from the swamp. All of a sudden there seems to be way more than the day before.
Day three eventually arrives, the soggy triangles from the swamp are gone, the lettuce and food tray are empty and there is a grumpy looking chef in the corner. Someone’s got the squirts and the dog is looking ill.
At home the couch is vacant, the commentators are spending more and more time chatting about Brian Lara’s 501 in 1994 and the cameramen are making us watch seagulls land on the field. In the stands there is some poephol wearing a watermelon on his head while his mates spike his drink with vodka cleverly disguised in orange juice.
How Lekker!!!…. Ahhh Cricket…… cant wait for day four and five!! Test cricket at its best.
“Who’s playing?” I hear you ask.
“Where’s the beer and snacks?” Is the answer.
Enter March 2018………Well that’s what it was like before the Aussies brought the game into disrepute, according to the news on the island, it’s all gone tits up in South Africa. Cheats! Scoundrels! Sticky near my Dicky! Are just a few of the words I hear and see around.

 
Intrigued I decided to do a little more investigation on this subject because, well, truth be told, I need a laugh and this may just satisfy that need.
We don’t have fox sports at home as the cost to benefit ratio is on par with a first-class seat on a Qantas Dreamliner (that’s a big fancy new aeroplane) from Melbourne to Kazakhstan in mid-winter, you’ve heard of both places, it sounds fantastic, but when you get there it’s not what you expected and now you are broke and have nothing to show for it besides a Borat mankini and a rash that makes the doctor throw a curbside quiche.
As a result, our (my, nobody else really cares if it’s not Footy ) sports news is normally delayed on average by 24 hours and I rely on the jokes coming in on WhatsApp to notify me to watch the news in the morning. This Sunday morning I strolled downstairs scratching a ballbag and cupping a coffee, I turned on the telly, to see a quick headline of the captain and vice-captain of the Australian cricket team looking like they had just been bust with a tub of Vaseline and sheep in their rooms. I sat back and allowed myself to develop a smug smile as the story evolved. Turns out they had been bust ball tampering. Not their balls or each other’s balls but the actual cricket ball.

For those of you that don’t watch test cricket, here is a quick explanation of how it works. There are two teams with eleven players. (that’s 22 players in total) They are armed with pads, ball boxes, wooden planks called bats and one hard ball covered in leather, normally the leather is a shiny red. They play on a large field that’s is round and has a 22-meter strip of hard ground in the middle. On each end of this hard strip they take six oversized sosatie (kebab) sticks and peg them in the ground three on each end, they call these stumps…. I know I’m also stumped…. Then they take 4 Kentucky fried chicken leg bones and balance those on top of the sticks on each end. So it looks like a upside down “W”… or I suppose a “M”…. I prefer upside down “W” because that way I can remember that when the 3 sosatie sticks (called stumps) are together and the chicken bones (called bails) are balanced on top of said sticks the collective word for that is wickets.
Hang ten here…Lets just look at this for a second.
•   The Field has a hard 22m piece of field in the middle of the field and is called the pitch. Not a landing strip for the ball, or a line to follow when you need to run. Just “the pitch”. They find the hardest part of the field and then moer sticks in to the hard part.
•   When one stick is pegged into the ground its called a stump.
•   One little piece of wood that balances between two sticks is called a bail. This bail doesn’t hold water, you can’t use it to bail water from a sinking boat and you can’t use it to float on when the boat sinks. Also, when it rains the umpires take the bails off the sticks and take them inside. In case you were wondering “bale” was already taken and is defined as  a tightly bound clump of hay…… can you also see it??????
•   When you join the sticks together with the little sticks to form an upside-down “W” you have wickets.
•   This is not to be confused with wicket. A wicket is the terminology used when you get someone out. I suppose it’s because you can’t say “Well done Bruce I see you got 3 outs today!” I think that if you were to say that to Bruce Jenner he may be pissed off as he had an out but now it’s and in…. but I digress.

Ok so that’s the field layout for now.
To make this interesting for television viewing they decided that the 22 players needed to get involved and not just sit on the side of the field and drink beer. To start they put them all on the field, this made it difficult to know what was going on so they added two more people and called them umpires.
Don’t get confused with the umpires from Footy or Darth Vader from the movie “The Umpire Strikes Back”.
These umpires mostly just stand around on each end of the pitch, their job is to watch the chicken bones, and point to the sky when one of them falls off. Like trying to tell the chicken that if they could fly they could have been more than just a tasty treat. The problem was that with 24 people on field standing round doing nothing was not economical for the beer company that was selling beer. They needed at least 40% of the people off the field at any one point in time, to consume the beer. A meeting was called to discuss the point of the game and they decided that it was to knock the leg bones off the sosatie sticks with the shiny red ball. It was agreed that one team would be on the field while the other packed their esky (cooler box) and relaxed, the team off the field would send out two of their players, called batsman, not the batters that’s baseball, that would run between the sosatie sticks to check the chicken bones and have a chit chat whenever they hit the ball to the edge of the field where the beers are.
When the shiny red ball is hit away from the sticks with the plank called the bat, it rolls on the field where the birds shit and the players spit, and is supposed to be stopped by a player called a fielder. Even if the fielder is on the middle part called the pitch they are still called fielders not pitchers, that’s baseball, and another story. The fielder picks up the shiny ball and he gets to lick one side of the ball and rub it in his crotch area. As is custom, the ball is then passed to the next fielder who licks the ball on the same side that has just been buried in his teammates crotch and repeats the process. This is eventually given to the fielder that is going to throw the ball down the pitch. He has an important job as he is the last ball licker and polisher before he throws the ball, but, now pay attention, he is called the bowler, not the pitcher, pitchers are for baseball remember, also he is only called the bowler when he is bowling, if he is not bowling he is a fielder.
If the shiny spit encrusted crotch infested ball hits the sticks and dislodges a bail the umpire points to the sky and the batsman, not the batter, puts his plank under his arm and walks off the field muttering and shaking his head.
Remember the bowler? That’s the guy that’s a fielder when he is not bowling.  Well, the team on the field elects one player to throw the ball at the sosatie sticks, but he can only do this six times before he needs to rest. And then the bowler is demoted to fielder and another fielder is promoted to bowler for 6 more balls. These balls have to pitch on the pitch and not the field just in case you were wondering. Don’t forget the point of the game is to hit the chicken bone off the sosatie sticks.
Once the ball has knocked the bones off the sosatie sticks 10 times the teams swap and they do the same thing. Standing around all days is tiring work so there needs to be tea times and a lunch break, also, so the teams can get over their hangovers they have a late start and an early finish.  For Test Cricket they do this twice. the team that runs between the sticks the most wins. And here is the cracker.. If the team is lazy they can also win. If you hit the ball to the edge of the field on the ground that counts as four runs and if you hit it in the air it counts as six runs and get this, you don’t have to run.
The total number of runs, (even if you don’t run and try to win the lazy way) is counted and you can use terms like 31 for 4 after 7 whenever you like. People will say things like “who’s winning?”.  And you can say anything like “This is not a 100m race” or “Looks like trouble here, we are running low on beer” 
Right, now that we understand the game and some of the finer details let’s get back to the current debacle of the cheating swine’s that have brought this fantastic game into disrepute.

Instead of licking the ball and rubbing it in his sweaty crutch the Aussie decided to use sandpaper like a tradie polishing a wooden floor after 12 stubbies and looking forward to an early knock off time.
This is some serious stuff, the only way I can explain to you how bad it is to use a malaphor incorrectly. It’s not Rocket Science.  As opposed to its not rocket surgery. Or it’s like going into a pub and ordering a Beer and getting a Cider, or buying a tennis racket on gumtree where the deal said no strings attached and then finding out that there really are no strings attached.
OR even worse, and this is why it gets is own line in this story!!
Buying a Nissan and finding out that it has a RENAULT motor in it.
How many brain cells do you need to realize that YELLOW sand paper on a white backdrop with approximately 30 cameras surrounding you is a stupid move?.......................
If you take the cricket fiasco and combine that with a tram driver that de-rails his tram at 6:00 in the morning then you know that there is something wrong with the water that they are putting in the beer here.
The headline is as follows.
“Tram derails in Ascot Vale and crashes into bus shelter”
The Story reads differently… he was alone in the tram, and took a corner too fast and discovered the tram could not handle the tracks……
My post analysis on this one is he was watching the formula one the day before and said,
“Hold My Beer, That’s easy I can do that in my tram mate”
When it all went wrong he told the cops he fell asleep and now they can’t charge him…
I suppose on the bright side going downhill is also a direction.
Between these two Muppets someone has to win a Darwin award.
In closing I suppose I’m left with more questions than answers, the solution I think will be to have an ice cold beer and contemplate my next move.
To end off, be prepared, its lonely in the saddle when the horse dies.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on February 21, 2020, 07:42:07 am
That's better...

Balance, to the universe, has been restored it has... :thumleft:

Have a lekka weekend...
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: stcomza on February 21, 2020, 07:53:44 am
its lonely in the saddle when the horse dies.

Bwahahahaha  :biggrin:

Have an awesome weekend  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 02, 2020, 02:32:13 am
Its been a hectic few weeks. I have not had the chance to update you all with my Tales from the island.
I will however have some time in the next few days to post an update or two.
Fear not, there is still plenty more to go and eventually we will be all caught up to present day.

Addios!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 02, 2020, 02:48:29 am
It’s been two years since we set foot on the island. I have written letters sharing my experiences with you and using them to give you a glimpse into our lives here and maybe just maybe give you an idea of what’s it like to change countries. ***Disclaimer*** While writing this letter and consulting with my editor, that’s me, we have come to the realization that I’m the least qualified to give advice on this matter and if you are considering moving to a non-tropical paradise with low crime rates, good health care, fluctuating petrol prices and cold water then you need to start your research somewhere else. Continue at your own peril!!!!
Looking back the time has gone quickly and the challenges have been huge. You know that saying “Africa’s not for sissies”, well “Australia’s not for Africans”. Before you get on your high rocking horse and yada yada to me about attitude, happiness, embracing change and whatever else, take a minute, and think about the difference between going overseas for a holiday and going overseas for good. I’ll try to not harp on rhetorically but there have been challenges in all aspects of our lives that you will only experience if you move countries. It’s not the big things that we know will be different that have the biggest impact and to be honest those are the easy ones to deal with, it’s the everyday things that we take for granted that have an effect. The price of beer is just one example. Some of us adjust easily to new surroundings, people and new ways of life, and, some are a liiiiiiiiiitle more resistant to change. Wonder Woman, Trenticles and Spiderpig seem to fit on category one. Me…. Not so much. Which is strange, because, you know, I like change, I like to change my mind, my underpants and my toothbrush. I think this has something to do with my personality type and my emotional intelligence. How do I know this?
Well I will give you the short version. Read on dear reader. Read on!
In my old life we had a semi full time shrink at work that would talk about “worlds view”, “expanding the mind set”, “emotional intelligence”, “Myres & Briggs personality types”, “leadership development”, “personal development” and “Management Development”. I learned about my personality type, my co-workers and my bosses personality types and how we all fit together, some personalities fit like hand in glove and others, well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..
After reading this quote
“Emotional intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn; it allows us to set priorities; it determines the majority of our daily actions. Research suggests it is responsible for as much as 80 percent of the success in our lives.” J. Freedman
I realized that I have the emotional intelligence of a brick wallowing in a pit of quicksand.
My Myers & Briggs personality test tells me that I am an ENTP, (Extrovert, Intuition, Thinking, Perception) and ENTP’s will struggle to get on with say ISTJ’s. (Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judgement) What Myers & Briggs don’t tell you is that if you pay a ENTP enough he will get on with dried shit on a dead lawn. If you add some “personal development” to that and mix in some “worlds view” and then add some more money that exact same ENTP personality type will get along just fine with a fresh warm turd on lush green grass. Throw some “leadership development” and even more money and that ENTP will actually take one for the team and pick up a warm sloppy mister whippy barehanded and dispose of that faecal matter with a smile on his face. Eventually after being shrinked to the n’th degree the said ENTP will start to become the ISTJ that the company always wanted. On post analysis of this, if they had wanted an ISTJ it would have been easier to just say, we need you because you are clever and you get the job done, but your personality sucks so we will pay you extra if you just smile and wave. MAN I could have saved them A LOT of shrink money!
Aaannnnyyyyyyhooooooo. Where was I? Ahh yes. After all this personal development and gazillions of Rands being spent on my mind and, finger quotes “Questionable Personality”, I have become aware, I know what the problem is, but I can’t fix it. Well I can, but apparently drinking beer and choeffing on a smoko is not the solution. 
We all have some coping mechanism that we use to get through the tough times. These mechanisms come in different guises. Some healthy people will be drawn to exercise, others will go into some fad diet and eat carrot sticks and crabs eyes. The unhealthy types, we like to call ourselves the other 80% of the population, we do other things like visit friends, have a couple of beers, have a couple of smoko’s and laugh out loud and uncontrollably until your gut hurts, tears run down your face and snot flies out your nose. The real challenge is when your coping mechanisms that you have come to rely on is taken away. We as humans are faced with a conundrum, we can lay down and die or we can find some other coping method. Not being an athletic person, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for an athlete to not be able to athlete, or, how difficult it must be for chubby over eaters to not take a BigMac and smother it all over their body late at night while watching some lame programme like “My Kitchen Rules”…. Not that I haven’t thought about that…..ALOT….. You see I can take a stab at these issues because those are not my vices, and, when it’s not your teddy bear you are hugging it’s easy to throw it away. But, when having one bird in the hand and the other is calling the kettle black it’s not that easy. As the saying goes, throwing stones in glass houses doesn’t gather any moss, I have had to remap my brain over the last 2 years to find new ways to develop an appreciation for new customs, accents, living spaces, working methods, costs, sunrises and sunsets. I have also learned to spend time alone, with my thoughts, which is probably not healthy. I have attempted to athlete, chef, author, handyman, maid, father, etc and each has their own reward and satisfaction, except for maid, that job sucks piles. Nobody actually gets any satisfaction from wiping dried crispy shit off a toilet bowl.  But hey….. enough bitching.
One of the things that I do enjoy is watching and trying to parent Spiderpig trying to cope in the real world away from PlayStation and YouTube. He has learned to function perfectly on the island believe it or not but his favourite time is winter because it lasts 8 months and that means that he can stay inside for 75% of the year. Being an intelligent young lad, he breezes through school and unlike our other child he doesn’t feel the need to irk every teacher he encounters.  His motto seems to be “fly under the radar get home asap and then play PlayStation”.  To give you a greater insight into his “use finger quotation marks here” “world” he rides his bicycle to school instead of taking the bus because that way he can spend more time watching YouTube in the morning before he must leave, and, the return trip takes less time on the pushbike than on the bus. It’s not uncommon for me to get home and see him sitting on the bed, still wearing his cycling helmet, thumbs and fingers furiously working the “square, circle, triangle, x” combinations in a life and death struggle to become a notorious warrior in some digital world where your name can be “king death squirt” and nobody cares. Attempting a greeting usually results in a momentary glimpse where he has had to rip his eyes away from the screen and a muttered hello between clenched teeth.  When there is forced downtime (Trenticles is playing PlayStation) He moves over to his laptop to play something else or uses his phone to watch YouTube. We only really see him at mealtimes or when he needs money. Usually at mealtimes he will show us a new dance that he learned a school or saw in a game. These dances can only be described as watching an octopus trying to walk downstairs while being electrocuted. We watch in fascination as his face contorts in concentration and his body does the wiggly jiggly.
Now that you have some insight into his demeanour and dance moves (the light version) I thought you would appreciate this conversation that I had with him on WhatsApp. All I wanted him to do was take something out the Freezer.

12:29 - Spiderpig: I’m locked outside the house   
12:45 – TGOTI (the git on the island): Sorry bud…. At least you have the internet.
12:46 - Spiderpig: It’s alright the back door was open…
12:46 - Spiderpig: Lol
12:46 - Spiderpig: 
12:48 - TGOTI: Ha ha ha. You fool. Where is your house key?
12:48 - Spiderpig: In my room 
13:53 - TGOTI: Hi, are you still at home?
13:53 - Spiderpig: Yes
13:55 - TGOTI: Please can you take the mince out of the deep freeze..
13:55 - TGOTI: Do you know what Mince looks like?
13:55 - Spiderpig: K
13:55 - Spiderpig: Yes 
13:55 - TGOTI: Put it in the sink please 
13:57 - TGOTI: Can you do it now?
13:57 - TGOTI: Or are you watching something gripping on YouTube?
13:57 - Spiderpig: I’ll do it now.
13:58 - TGOTI: thanks buddy... let me know if you can’t find it ok?
13:59 - TGOTI: I’m talking about the mince not your thing.
 
I need to interrupt the conversation here, normally, when you have a conversation with someone you say something and then you wait for a reply, and if you ask someone to do something, like taking food out of the freezer, they do that, and then, because you are not there to witness that it’s been done, they give you feedback and let you know that they have in fact done this task. The general trend of the conversation was going pretty well until now I felt. Alas, I think Max had reached a point of inflection, either YouTube or PlayStation had interrupted the natural order of synapses firing in his brain and the world had become flat, like in Minecraft. He forgot that there was an actual person that he was messaging on his phone, and this actual person was awaiting for an actual response from him. As you can see by the time it took for him to respond to my questions. 

14:07 - TGOTI: Did you take the mice out of the deep freeze?
14:11 - Spiderpig: Yip
14:11 - TGOTI: Are you sure its mince? 
14:16 - Spiderpig: Yip the beef mince in the container with wrap over it.
14:16 - TGOTI: Great stuff. Where did you put it?
14:17 - Spiderpig: In the sink
14:17 - TGOTI: Cool thanks.
I was pleased that we had come this far I was ready to get back to other menial tasks like breathing and work when an uncomfortable cloud of realization swept over me. It was like that shock surprise like when you lick a 9v battery for the first time. So I had to message him again and hope that he had not gone over the edge of no return, until dinner time of course, then he would be back and ready for action.

14:17 - TGOTI: Can you hear the beeping?
14:17 - Spiderpig: Ur welcome.
14:18 - TGOTI: Can you hear the beeping????
14:19 - Spiderpig: Yes? How can you hear it???
14:19 - TGOTI: It’s the freezer door telling you that you need to close it.... 
14:20 - Spiderpig: Oh, ::)

Need I say more?

ZOY!!!!
In case you missed it there was no mention of a REANULT or a Landrover today because I’m looking for something else kak to pick on but can’t find anything worse. 😊
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Karel84 on March 02, 2020, 05:59:19 am
Man, this made my morning. Loving your writing style, @BOZO.

Sent from my SNE-LX2 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: corne.l on March 02, 2020, 08:26:22 am
Man, this made my morning. Loving your writing style, @BOZO.

Sent from my SNE-LX2 using Tapatalk

+1

Makes me think of  Dave's World (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave%27s_World) back in the day
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on March 02, 2020, 10:07:47 am
But, when having one bird in the hand and the other is calling the kettle black it’s not that easy. As the saying goes, throwing stones in glass houses doesn’t gather any moss,

heh! Classic!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 02, 2020, 01:35:27 pm
The inventor of the PlayStation must not wander unto my property - he will not leave it and a funny man shaped heap of sand will appear in the far corner of said property... >:(
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 02, 2020, 03:20:41 pm
 well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..

A man with experience!! :deal: :imaposer: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 02, 2020, 03:29:16 pm
BTW, show us current pics of the offspring and boss... :thumleft: :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 02, 2020, 03:31:05 pm
well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..

A man with experience!! :deal: :imaposer: :lol8:

You have not experienced pain until you have stepped on a Lego at that time of the morning, on your way to the toilet, after a night of indulgence of the hydraulic kind... trust me... :patch:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: tau on March 02, 2020, 03:42:32 pm
Brilliant as always
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Karel84 on March 02, 2020, 03:45:24 pm
This immediately popped into my head! (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200302/dfb5134b64e0622d6311557b0103e5fa.jpg)

Sent from my SNE-LX2 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: jaybiker on March 02, 2020, 03:47:38 pm
 :imaposer: :imaposer: Such talent is a sad loss to S.A.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 02, 2020, 03:48:24 pm
Ek het n gedagte n presentation deur BOZO by die werk kan maklik iets soos n aand by comedy central wees!! :deal: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 02, 2020, 11:12:54 pm
well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..

A man with experience!! :deal: :imaposer: :lol8:

LEGGO and a half chewed bone left by the dog on the kitchen floor.......  :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 02, 2020, 11:14:47 pm
BTW, show us current pics of the offspring and boss... :thumleft: :thumleft:
oooohhhhhhh Not sure that you would wanna see one of those..  :imaposer:
and whos the boss?  :o
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 03, 2020, 08:22:54 am
BTW, show us current pics of the offspring and boss... :thumleft: :thumleft:
oooohhhhhhh Not sure that you would wanna see one of those..  :imaposer:
and whos the boss?  :o

A hint - the boss is not you...  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 03, 2020, 08:59:35 pm
Ahhh right ok. I asked Bruce Springsteen for a selfie but he said he was busy. So instead here are some pictures of my bosses.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on March 04, 2020, 07:23:18 am
 :thumleft: Good looking bosses  :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 04, 2020, 08:36:32 am
:thumleft: Good looking bosses  :lol8:

Was going to say the same... At least you don't look like your avatar... :peepwall:

Looks like a happy family.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on March 05, 2020, 03:27:23 am
I just knew you were a fabulous display of  hawwwwwwwwtness, some guys have all the luck!!!

Beautiful fam bro  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on March 05, 2020, 09:46:48 am
Good source of pride that you have there!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 06, 2020, 09:12:32 pm
Thanks very much all. I do love them to bits.
Obviously there was a fair amount of photoshop done on my ugly mug in order not to break the internet.
For some reason after I hit 40 my eyeballs got lazy. I now have to wear near-far-near lookers.
When I take them off for photos etc I tend to have the look of someone that is in the middle of a prostrate exam desperately concentrating on not getting a woody.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 07, 2020, 05:41:13 am


Was going to say the same... At least you don't look like your avatar... :peepwall:

Looks like a happy family.

Whats wrong with my avatar?  :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 07, 2020, 05:42:32 am
I just knew you were a fabulous display of  hawwwwwwwwtness, some guys have all the luck!!!

Beautiful fam bro  :thumleft:

Thanks living proof that one wrong an a right can make a right!! :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 07, 2020, 05:45:15 am
Corona Virus Update.

You cant make this shit up.....  :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-03-06/queensland-toilet-paper-accidental-purchase/12031070 (https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-03-06/queensland-toilet-paper-accidental-purchase/12031070)
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on March 07, 2020, 10:11:20 am
Funny old thing. We hadn't bought paper for a while and were on our last roll when this happened. There isn't a bog roll in the whole of the Whitsundays for sale and we are now rationing the last one out. Joke is that the paper is made locally and the factory is on extra shifts. A clever bit of marketing by someone.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Boersoeknbike on March 07, 2020, 12:30:54 pm
Bozo. I must say if you ever do a more formal thing of your writing please sign me up. For a boertjie with soutie inlaws i relate and enjoy your style very much. Wiping tears from laughter. Close friend of mine just moved to Aus and the way they did it and the excuses was just rightdown irritating. I enjoy your spin and needed it! Nice to read your therapeutic ramblings boet!! strongs!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: immigrant on March 07, 2020, 11:04:10 pm
Funny old thing. We hadn't bought paper for a while and were on our last roll when this happened. There isn't a bog roll in the whole of the Whitsundays for sale and we are now rationing the last one out. Joke is that the paper is made locally and the factory is on extra shifts. A clever bit of marketing by someone.
Well, you got to give the Aussies some credit. When the world goes to shit, buy toilet paper
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on March 09, 2020, 10:50:12 am
Funny old thing. We hadn't bought paper for a while and were on our last roll when this happened. There isn't a bog roll in the whole of the Whitsundays for sale and we are now rationing the last one out. Joke is that the paper is made locally and the factory is on extra shifts. A clever bit of marketing by someone.

Isn't there a factory outlet nearby? :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Welsh on March 09, 2020, 11:03:15 am
I saw a news story, some woman ordered 48 rolls on line for home delivery, she wanted a box of 48, she got 48 boxes, 2304 toilet rolls...  :lol8: :lol8: 
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Fudmucker on March 09, 2020, 04:43:34 pm
I saw a news story, some woman ordered 48 rolls on line for home delivery, she wanted a box of 48, she got 48 boxes, 2304 toilet rolls...  :lol8: :lol8:

In light of the shortage, she can sell at a tidy profit...
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Willem-Ben on March 09, 2020, 05:52:20 pm
Jip the profit is going toward a school trip to Sydney later the year.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 10, 2020, 07:10:51 am
This one is out of Sync with the rest but I thought you may enjoy it as its current news.
February is supposed to be a month with an average temperature that ranges between hot and fuck its hot. Well you guessed it, somehow when 2020 happened, global warming became more evident, thanks to Greta von Blosssom-Bottom who won a noble prize for being a standard rich entitled teenage girl, and, now it’s cold all the time. (this information was accurate a time of writing)
It would also seem that the bottom part of the island has drifted even closer to Antarctica. As it so happened I was driving home to the LoveShack yesterday in the rain and 18 deg weather on my new one hour commute listening to the wireless, when the news reader announced that in Victoria all “Old convictions for minor crimes to be wiped from the records”.
Hang ten! What? What? Old convictions for minor crimes to be wiped from the records!!!!!
Holey Toledo!!!! Stop the Bus!! If we look back in history, the only way you could get on this island was to have a criminal record and now they want to change that!!!!!
People are used to walking around calling each other “prisoner” and other interesting name’s that I won’t mention.
It’s part of the heritage of this scobydoo’s head shaped piece of land.
I mean what are the far-flung repercussions of this wild and altruistic move by the federal government?
Does that mean that there will be a new market for tattoo removal? You know the one’s I’m talking about, the heart outline with an arrow through it and mom in the middle!
Does that mean that the visa process to gain entry will be easier?
Will you no longer need a criminal record to get in?
I just have so many unanswered questions.
One of the most important question that I have is: Will I be forgiven for my sins that I have committed in the past. Things like “Flies eyes “, or the more subtle “flight of the plucked dove” that involves an innocent bystander participating in the event and coo’ing like a dove, or possibly the bigger elephant in the room, multiple “Leuw Loop” acts at weddings, bars and other such locations/opportunities.
Don’t get me wrong is not like it’s not likely to stop, I just want to know if I can use my apology list like an when earth worm eats and shits at the same time, in one end out the other……….
AANNYYYYYYHOOOOOOO I won’t hold my breath for a clear record.
And now on to more important matters.
****Flash News****
Corona Virus. Not to be mistaken with the beer that you add a lime slice to.. (who actually does that)
It like the flu but it’s not, and it must have been a slow news day when patient zero clocked into hospital complaining of a snotty nose. When grilled under questionable circumstances in a dark warehouse with bright lights, a wooden chair and a car battery, he finally fessed up to eating a concoction of bat’l'orange with a side of cat’s paws marinaded in rat guts. A considerable amount of time was used extracting the tasty recipe from this character of dubious origins and eventually the doctors issued some disprin to this fellow and set him free, back into the wilderness to spread his unseen contagion.
“Nelly the news hound”, who is always looking for the next big story, followed, “Barry the Bat Eater” home in the chance that he would lead her to the secret bat cave. (*names have been changed to protect the innocent, unless they haven’t who knows) 
Her intentions were to:
1.   Find batman (the Asian one)
2.   Buy the cave.
3.   Setup a food truck
4.   Sell delicious bat bits with guano soup (almost as tasty as miso soup)
5.   Make millions. (like the American batman) (#NotBruceWane)
6.   Write an article about the “Billy the bat boy” and his flu.
7.   Become the first Chinese winner of the Pulitzer prize for newsworthy sleuthing. (no research was conducted on this wild statement)

The result was:
1.   Worldwide panic over the common cold.
2.   Pending financial ruin for most medium sized countries.
3.   Extended holidays for cruise ship passengers.
4.   A shortage of toilet paper on the Island.
5.   Two weeks self-administered isolation
6.   Kids licking light poles and shopping trolley handles

These are all salient outcomes but point four is the most important.
Not one to overshare but still wanting to give context I have decided that it’s better that you know rather than not. The white throne beckons my behind on a regular basis, at least four times every day (morning coffee, arriving at work, getting home and just after dinner). This, of course, is possibly healthy or not, but I can tell you that being an earthworm is not great when there is no lavatory around and you are turtle heading a hearty breakfast..
With this escalating crisis there is no shortage of dumping grounds but there is a big problem when you are done and all there’s almost nothing left on the roll to clean your poop muscle.
Sitting there as tumble weeds drift past the door to the dunny, a dingo trots passed, in the distance, coincidently, the haunting tune of the final countdown (sung by Europe) plays and you know that you only have 10 precious squares left, you realize that there is a problem afoot. After those 10 white squares disappear, it’s time to use tissues, then colton roller towel and then when that’s all gone, well, I suppose I will be showering 4 times a day with a clear distinction between the face cloth and the other one…… if I get that wrong Wonder Woman may not be happy. Sort of gives a new meaning to skid marks.
Trenticles even sent a whatsapp today saying he had found some single ply, I nearly cried with joy, it only has to last for another week and then I’m off to New Zilland with a large suitcase where I will be purchasing as much as I can fit in. No Jokes.!!!  This calamity is making headline news. For instance: One family accidental bought 2300 rolls of toilet paper, enough to last them 12 years. (lucky them) except maybe for the $3264 additional charge to their shopping bill.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-03-06/queensland-toilet-paper-accidental-purchase/12031070 (https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-03-06/queensland-toilet-paper-accidental-purchase/12031070)

Image 1
 
They could make a lot of money right now on ebay with some people spending $8 a roll……I know you don’t want to do the math so I will do it for you.
2300 X 8 = $18,400 – 3,264 = $ 15,136 clean profit (and bung holes)

 Image 2

My personal favourite at the moment is this one.  Slightly tarnished but it is refurbished. At $0.99 I may be buying this or crapping at maccas during the crisis.

 Image 3

To finnish off: When life gives you lemons make lemon juice.
When life gives you a shortage of toilet paper, swipe, fold, swipe, fold swipe and prey that you don’t need to swipe again!!!!

ZOY
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: frankmac on March 10, 2020, 12:52:09 pm
I had to marvel at the civility displayed between the bog roll protagonists recently. No eye gouging, garotting or disembowelment.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzm1XSnT-oI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzm1XSnT-oI)]

I do enjoy your thread so please keep it up.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 10, 2020, 01:57:02 pm
and you are turtle heading a hearty breakfast..

 :laughing4: :lol8:

Bozo jy is letterlik vol kak!! :deal: ;) :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 10, 2020, 02:43:27 pm
Seems appropriate here  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: RrP on March 10, 2020, 08:33:26 pm
Had to swipe and fold many tears this episode keep it coming!!!

Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 16, 2020, 12:42:18 am
Brace yourselves its madness out there!!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 16, 2020, 12:47:36 am
SHEEWW-----WWEEEEEEEE
What a week ne'!! Was snowed under doing tecky stuffs with the computer and all of a sardine it was the weekend, I was scheduled to fly to Nu-zilland on Sunday and spend the week collecting memories for yet another exciting memoir of the git on the island that visits another island aptly named north and south island.
Question: When does one qualify as a seasoned traveller? Is It the number of stamps in your passport or it is the fact that a mental check list of stuff to do before you leave good enough?
I was ticking through my mental checklist to make sure all was in order, flights, accommodation, work stuff all booked, visa sorted even some local pubs scouted out for green beers on Tuesday evening. I think I’m the only one that loves St. Patty’s day.
AAAAAANNNNNNNNYYYYYYHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Wonder Woman was relaxing on the couch on Thursday evening safe in the knowledge that there was no rush to organize a present for me as I would be away for the day that marked yet another successful orbit of the sun. She did however ask what the contingency plan was from work should Juceinda (Nu-Zilland’s Prime minister) close the borders. Instead of being caught off guard in the vacuum of not knowing, I nodded sagely while holding my chin between my thumb and index finger, my eyes gazing off into the distance, in an attempt to seek knowledge, with no answers appearing like the miracle ghost of xmas past, I turned, ever so slightly in her direction and said.
“Good Question”…….
Somehow between Thursday night and Friday afternoon the Island shat itself. People went out buying everything they can, its so bad that places like “the good guys” (white goods shop) don’t have any fridges and freezers in stock anymore! The shelves are empty, food stores like Aldi, that only have 5 staff on duty can’t keep up. The only reason Spiderpig knows anything is happening is because youtubers are making music video’s about it and there is a possibility that school may close earlier!!! Trenticles is working like starving hyena on a fresh carcass at the butcher shop trying to keep up with the demand. People gottsta fill their new fridges and freezers. Dis net fokken chaos.
I Digress. The answer essentially was not necessary as on Saturday afternoon, my boss called and said the company had cancelled all international and local travel. They have closed our offices and we are stuck at home until further notice. At the same time coincidentally Jacandia (Still Nu-Zilland’s Prime minister) announced that all people arriving from outside the country need to self-isolate.
This however has created a larger problem, you see, I had packed a larger suitcase than usual with the intention of bringing home 48 rolls of white double ply extra length gold, and we now had an extra bum to account for at home and an extra mouth to feed. Eish………….
People we have a problem…..
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on March 16, 2020, 06:50:09 am
I think Jacinda, and her fine ass, imposed a 14 day quarantine upon entry.

Yo ass a git turnt round !!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Fudmucker on March 17, 2020, 09:06:16 am
Brace yourselves its madness out there!!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 18, 2020, 12:59:29 am
Aint that the truth.
 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 18, 2020, 03:20:17 am
So we need a break from Corona and travel bans etc etc.
Coincidentally we have reached the story when i was travelling.....

Its 04:27… the numbers are fuzzy and my eye sight is failing, the slow second pulse of the colon between the 04 and the 27 serves as a reminder that every time it flashes I have less time to wait for the alarm to rouse me from the slumber I was supposed to be enjoying.
The clock eventually changes to 04:28 and as the number flips over I imagine a rusty steel plate flipping over on a workshop floor, a plume of dust is scattered and there is some dramatic music playing in the background.
Alas there is no music, there is no dust and there is no workshop. There is however a pressure from my bowel and in one minute I need to move my ass through the shower so that I can catch a taxi to the airport.
If you are reading this letter I’m going to share something personal with you, something I’m not proud of, but I’ve been told that getting stuff like this out in the open is part of the healing process.
Together “we” that’s you the reader and me the writer, “we” can get through this…. I think that in this particular case context is going to be my catalytic agent for forgiveness and healing.  :3some:

As I said its 04:28 I’m lying in bed waiting for the alarm to go off at 4:30 I can’t sleep as I’m thinking about all the things that can go wrong on a 14 hour flight to the “greatest country on earth” the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, I’m also thinking about crossing borders, my “worlds view” and how proud my cubs scouts leader would have been if we had kept in contact, but, I was only 7 years old when we moved away and to honest at 7 years old I was not really thinking that far into the future.
Anyhoooooooooooo I was up before the alarm and double checked that I had everything that I needed and kissed wonder woman goodbye.
I was out the door waiting for the taxi when I realized that my morning routine was out of whack. I had forgotten to go for a dump. Which is ok because 04:30 is a bit early for a dump anyway. And once I’m through customs there will be plenty of time to drop a dark hostage so no stress.
After forking out a thankfully company refunded $112 for the taxi I went through the check-in process, border control process, security process and who knows what else.
When I got to the waiting lounge I strolled around the duty free section checking out the price of powdered milk and scheeming how I can make money from powdered milk when I got a call from my boss. He is in the business class lounge and wanted to know if I would like to join him?....
Does a bear shit in the woods?
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it is the man still wrong?
The answer was a RESOUNDING YES… he meets me outside and I’m allowed into the hallowed grounds for the special people club, there is free shit everywhere.
This is a South African dream come true, there is even a bar,……….free………….bar……….free………free…. If I had words to describe that moment I would have said something like, this is incredible, but all I could get out was GGGRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA, my boss was all “harry casual,” and sat down. I (on da other hand Darren) was off to grab free breakfast, double helpings of crispy bacon, 3 hash browns, beans, an omelette, and some more bacon, coffee and then some yogurt so I could tell wonder woman that I had had a healthy breakfast.  ;D
I chowed that down and had my eye on the beer fridge and was wondering how I could get that into my Sippy cup without looking like first timer…. My plan was almost perfectly formulated when I was interrupted by roaming waitress handing out free, yes, free, toasted sarmies.  ;D BOOM I sommer had 2 of those as well.
The coffee kicked in and I realized that the special club also has special toilets. Its proper, let me tell you, full size mirror, nice comfortable seat, draws, zonkie….
Anyway I’m sitting there waiting for what must come naturally, but, nothing does. It’s just hot air, lots of it, and my shit particles are thick, the extractor fan takes on a different tone for a few seconds and then returns to normal. While I’m chillaxing taking in the view there is an announcement that its 8:30 and time to board.
Pressing the fast forward button on the story I get through 3 movies on the plane and I can feel that is time try again.
Before I carry on, I just want to discuss this mile-high club fantasy: 2 thoughts
1. Anybody that actually gets laid in an aeroplane toilet is probably 10cm tall and weighs 10 kg.
2. It cannot be comfortable, how do 2 people work out the mechanics of doing what is necessary in such a confined space…

I was thinking about suggesting to wonder woman that we should give it a go but decided that because the door opens inwards we may make the 7 news headlines. I can see it now:
“Odd looking Couple Rescued from Aeroplane Toilet by State Emergency Services”.
In the interview the SES official spokesperson is quoted saying.
“Ah mate, it was a standard call out to the Tullamarine airport where a couple got trapped in the toiled on a A380”
“The real challenge of this rescue was trying to loosen the woman’s superhero cape that had somehow wrapped around the naked man’s face and had been sucked into the toilet when she had accidently flushed the toilet at that pivotal moment.”
In a follow up article the headline was: "The kinky duo  were not available for comment and Victoria Police search results have currently returned nought."
Ahhh what an adventure that could be…...

Where was I, Oh ja, So there I am sitting in this tiny cubicle of sexual fantasies and all I can do is nothing, No KAK, I’m now farting enough to fill a hot air balloon but that’s all. Oh well back to my seat and watch some more movies I suppose. We eventually land in L.A and it’s a mad rush to get through customs, security (just in case someone gave me shiv on the aeroplane 300000 feet in the air with only ocean below for 11000km), I’m asked extra questions because of my Green Passport, and I’m answering the questions very carefully because if that guy decides that he needs to put a glove on, well, we are all going to be in trouble. Just saying…….
I’m turtle heading now, but the discomfort is not overbearing.
Like a ninja I have managed to use will power to control my organs, like most minions can control their breathing, I have mastered the art of controlling my heartbeat, bowel and bladder…. Sort of.
This time I tell myself. “Self, its only 6 more hours on the next plane and then you will be in Boston where you will have a hotel room and then you can let her rip”
Satisfied with my pep talk my body has obeyed the self-inflicted instruction and goes into the mind induced comatose'd state of well-heeled travelers.
Slowly but surely though, the pies, chips, the breakfast in the larney lounge, the three full-sized meals on the flight and the packets of peanuts have made their way through my intestinal tract and are waiting at the exit.

Ever been to a busy shopping mall with an escalator where people have decided that they want to travel to the top so they jump on and get to the top, but when they get there, they stand at the top of the stairs and wonder which way to go. The escalator doesn’t care it’s still delivering people to the top and space is becoming limited, the people on the stairs start worrying about how they are going to get off and there is not tuning around.
That’s what my colon was looking like. Turds at the top wondering where to go, and there was more on the way.
We landed in Boston and got to our hotel, now I understand how it feels to be like a comrades runner hitting the grass, the body is gone, its tired and broken, only the mind can get me to the finish.
The lady at the counter smiles and says “you are in a shared room, floor 7 yada , yada, yada…”
I’m in a room with my boss….. I have a sadza snake like a python and my boss is going to be there to share this experience with me.
We get to our room and I’m hoping he will phone his wife or something but he just sits around and talks shit about leggo and stuff.  :bueller:
I can’t concentrate any more I bite the bullet. I say to him. “Listen I have to go for a shit”
…. There is an awkward silence and we try not to make eye contact while I make my way to the white throne.
I sit down and do my absolute best make this a quiet one. It’s not…. But the relief is noteworthy, I used to wonder what it’s like to carry a baby for nine months and then “BOOM” it’s out. Well, Now I know. We didn’t have a scale in the room but I recon I lost like 5 kg in one shot. It smells so bad that I have to flush, twice! (did I mention that the extractor fan is not working, and there is no spray)  :o
If you have got this far you and you are wondering what I’m not proud of, and why I’m looking for acceptance.. ok…….here goes.
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor. This stain of embarrassment was going nowhere.
No amount of flushing preying or carefully laid toilet paper was going to get rid of this, and to top it all off. It was a sub-mariner skid mark.
No problem I say to myself, I’m no stranger to cleaning a skid mark or two, after all I have two teenage kids. I just need a toilet brush……………………Guess what, No toilet brush!!!!! :o
So now what? I have to grab toilet paper, and rub it off with toilet paper,but this process means putting my ENTIRE hand into the water.
I have flushed 3 times already and I’m wondering what my boss is thinking about what I’m doing in the toilet? I recon I have one more flush before he starts asking questions. So I man up and commit. I get toilet paper, and clean that bowl getting my hand wet up to my watch band. Wait….. there is more…….  :eek7:
The basin to wash up in, is not in the toilet room it’s outside in the room..............and guess who is using the basin when I walk out of the bathroom, one hand dripping wet….
Bingo!!!!!You guessed it. My boss.……
As I write this letter in the foyer of the hotel I’m wondering if he is discovering the fact that there is no toilet brush in the bathroom…..
Oh the USA is also nice.
I fly to SA in 5 days.. cant wait to see you all and shake your hands!!!!!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Welsh on March 18, 2020, 07:00:41 am
Would this be a shituation comedy?  :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 18, 2020, 10:20:07 am
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor.


 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :lol8: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: jaybiker on March 18, 2020, 05:21:58 pm
Sitcom producers would pay big for that kind of writing.  :imaposer: Ever considered a change of career?  :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: mox on March 18, 2020, 08:06:53 pm
Almost shat myself laughing, actually touched cloth  :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 18, 2020, 09:07:34 pm
Quote
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor.

Harleys can burnout?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Pilchie on March 18, 2020, 10:16:15 pm
 :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 19, 2020, 12:56:56 am
Quote
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor.

Harleys can burnout?
With Great Difficulty!!!
There are a few conditions that need to be met first.
1. Rider should be overweight, sweaty and have a beard. Should also be seen walking in chaps, and shiny boots.
2. Floor should be smooth and clean, a light film of floor wax is a must and finally
3. The rider should be uber talented to twist the throttle, hold the front break, release the clutch and maintain balance at the same time.

True Story, I've witnessed something close to this in a pub in Botswana,
points 1. and 2 tick.
point 3. was where it went wrong, the front wheel pushed up against the wall and rode up onto the counter.......  :biggrin: have pictures to prove it LOL 

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 19, 2020, 12:58:09 am
Sitcom producers would pay big for that kind of writing.  :imaposer: Ever considered a change of career?  :laughing4:
Thanks, I'm not sure that I want to clean toilets for a living though.  ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 19, 2020, 12:59:13 am
Would this be a shituation comedy?  :sip:

The next part should answer that question..... :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on March 19, 2020, 10:03:06 am
Reminds me of the time that my mate's watchstrap broke just as he was shaking off over one of those porta-loos at a function. He came back inside, and I was wondering why he was wanting to shake everyones hands.........! Heh. He showed me his blue stained fingernails that he got from that blue chemical shite that they use in those loos  - they were stained while he was busy fishing his pricey watch out of the bowl.......
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 20, 2020, 03:52:13 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 20, 2020, 03:59:41 am
As I write this letter in the foyer of the hotel I’m wondering if he is discovering the fact that there is no toilet brush in the bathroom…..
That’s how I ended my last letter. I if I had waited just one more day, it would have ended very differently.
I discovered the next day that along with no toilet brush there was also no plunger. It was sometime during the day when I returned to the room, I took a leak and flushed the toilet.  :lol8:
To my horror the water level started to rise, I looked around like there was somebody standing behind me and wanted to say “it wassent me”.
Now what?  :eek7:
It’s one of those situations where you have a choice. A flush again? Or wait and see?
I decided that I would wait and see. I had some work to do, so I opened my laptop and banged out some emails, did some IOT (Internet of things) stuffs and about an hour later it was time, the Triple D’s type food was making an attempt to escape the confines of my colon.
I returned to the toilet and to my delight the water level had subsided to normal levels.
Just to check I flushed again to see if the blockage was clear. As the level water level increased so did my anxiety.  :imaposer:
My body had now moved into release mode and it was time to make a plan. I checked for a plunger, hoping beyond hope that there would be one.
Alas just like the toilet brush, in the place a plunger should be, was only fresh air. The pressure from the rear, was building, sweat was staring to bead on my forehead and this was forcing a decision.
I looked around for something that could be used. I was thinking use a shoe, what else is there?
As I was walking back to the bathroom, shoe in hand, I spotted the plastic disposable water cups next to the basin. Phew!!!! Hallelujah, Praise be, I was not going to have to explain how my shoe got shit in it.
I took this plastic cup sent from heaven, I remembered to remove my watch this time, got on my knees and I worked that shitbucket like a tree feller trying to pullstart a faulty chainsaw.  :lol8:
It takes 7+ years to become a Gastroenterologist and it took me five seconds to know that its not one my top 1000 jobs I want to do.
Eventually the water drained. My colour returned to my face, and I could drop the kids off at the pool safe in the knowledge that there was a backup cup in case it all went wrong again..
To be honest, it took me two days before I could look at myself in the mirror and not wonder in amazement of the things I can do if I need to poo.
Lets make America Great Again!!! You can start by supplying toilet brushes and plungers in the hotel rooms.
 O0
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 20, 2020, 08:31:15 am
:eek:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on March 20, 2020, 09:54:26 pm
:eek:

Indeed.

I suspect your boss will never, ever again share a room with you :eek:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: RrP on March 20, 2020, 09:56:12 pm
Dude the C virus ain't gonna come anywhere near you.

Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 22, 2020, 10:52:35 pm
:eek:

Indeed.

I suspect your boss will never, ever again share a room with you :eek:

LOL unfortunately That has not been the case, fortunately since then, the rooms we had had have been better.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 22, 2020, 10:55:16 pm
Dude the C virus ain't gonna come anywhere near you.

Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk
COVID19......
Colon Only Vacated In Desperation v 19.   aannnd go!!

 ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Mr Zog on March 23, 2020, 01:59:14 am
Dude the C virus ain't gonna come anywhere near you.

Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk
COVID19......
Colon Only Vacated In Desperation v 19.   aannnd go!!

 ;D


 :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: goodtoogo on March 23, 2020, 06:01:20 am
Carrier of the virus is dead

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on March 23, 2020, 08:48:48 am
COVID19......
Colon Only Vacated In Desperation v 19.   aannnd go!!

 ;D

Makes sense...
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 24, 2020, 12:17:50 am
Ok onto part one of the latest letter.

Captains log: Star-date 10 July 2018, Qantas Flight QF63, Location Earth, Sothern Hemisphere, Africa, South Africa, Gauteng, Johannesburg International Airport Ramp 18, Current mode of transport Boeing 747-400.
This intercontinental star Cruzer is 20+ years old, no wonder its delayed again. The mechanics are leafing through the yellowed dogeared pages of the manual again to try to figure out how to put the fuel cap back on….
Its gonna be a long ass flight………
And so todays story begins. Fasten your seatbelts, put your seat in the upright position, and do a quick crotch check.
I was sitting in this big metal tube that weighs 412,000 kg at take-off, with a wingspan of 64m, It has 4 jet engines all putting out 254kN each (that’s 462 horsepower each) that will fly at 10,000m (10km or 30,000 feet) above ground.
It was my last leg of the big loop around this blue planet that we all live and breathe on.
I however was not thinking about these statistics I was not thinking about the fuel consumption of how this airborne air compressor will use 117,027 kg of fuel to get me back the island.
I was thinking about my time in Africa. I was trying to not think about the lump in my throat and the ache in my heart.  :'(
I knew where I was going and more importantly, I knew what I was leaving behind.  :'(
Difficult does not begin to describe those moments of solitude sitting riiiiiiiiiiight at the back of the plane. With nobody to take my mind off my current situation and the dread of the 14 hours of travel ahead, the word difficult just doesn’t seem to explain how I felt...
Difficult, can however, be made worse…… When an almost 130cm tall, anglo-saxon-australian-ex-queensland-now-living-in-melbourne-south-african with a mixed Afrikaans-Aussie accent that evolved from living on the island for 25 years, sits down and wants to chat about his impending divorce right off the bat. That’s how you make difficult difficultererr. (URGH.. REALLY)
I’m not sure what the rules are for international travel but I don’t think that that’s how you start a conversation with a complete stranger on an aeroplane while surreptitiously claiming the arm rest……..
No My Friends I was not thinking about the aeroplane, I was not thinking about my new friends impending divorce or the armrest. Mainly because I have absolutely no interest in them at all.
I was thinking about all of you. Luckily for all of us time has healed some of that pain and I’m able to recount some of the more favorable times that was spent on the motherland. ;)
Don’t get me wrong, all the moments were favourable but nobody actually wants to hear about the stock standard “We had a braai, talked kak and drank some beers” type of story.
If you want a story like that then watch 50/50 while dopping a brannas and coke.
On the plus side I see you can now buy “Brannas and Coke” on tap at Hooters….. How lekker is that?.... Hooters is lekker ,not Brannas and Coke, that shit will kill you.  :lol8:
My time started like any other, (you know when you read these words “ my time started like any other”  this with no context set it could be an opening statement for taking a dump, or some other epic event, rest assured this time its not about taking a dump. )
This time is in the context of travel, sort of, I say that like I’m a world traveller, a continent skipper,  like I have been round the world and I have seen things that no other person has seen which is partly true, my eyesight is shocking, so I probably missed a lot aswell.
On reassessment of that initial statement, my time started just like the last time I was in Africa on holiday only this time I didn’t have kids with me and I was converting from Dollars to Rands.
I felt like a millionaire….No, No, No.. that’s not quite right, I felt like a Hundredthousandaire….no not quite that either, I felt like a Thousandaire, yes that’s better. I felt like a Thousandaire.
I had a thick wad of R10 notes and I was not scared to spend them on beer, cigarettes and good times. And trust me when I say sucking back on a Beer that costs the equivalent of $ 0,70 actually does make it taste better.
The Bush……. A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. A beer in the bush is better…
Hooters……..What’s to say about hooters, Hooters food quality is clearly very good and the waitresses are clearly loving the deep fried chicken wings with ranch dressing.
The Labour laws are clearly in the favor of the workers and not the clients, or, the quality control department is blind.
I met my old work family there and was not disappointed. Veldskoen was unnaturally smiling and laptopless, I kept checking over my shoulder for the film crew from “you must be joking” , Doc did not thwart my expectations with his literal translation of French to English while banging away on his keyboard and alternating between curly fries, tato’ tots, boneless chicken wings and a single whipskey and soda.
Marlene brought her shitty Renault disguised as a Nissan, slowly sipped vodka’s mixed with something and spent time jumping in with comments that were off topic and confusing but kept us on our toes, more importantly she had job offers, and bribes, to attempt to get me to stay.
Needless to say, we had more than the average persons liquid diet of bottled chicken, and laughter.  But alas our fun time had to come to an end as the wheels of the African economy needed to keep turning and the population needed to return to work.
With the mounting energy levels of a male sloth on heat I was off to my next destination on my short African “Safari”
*part 2* next up.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: goodtoogo on March 24, 2020, 01:48:23 am
Coranials.  COVID. Children of the virus in December.  9 months from now

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Fudmucker on March 24, 2020, 04:33:55 am
Would this be a shituation comedy?  :sip:

Naaah.... just talking kak!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 25, 2020, 12:37:21 am
 :laughing4:
One of my favorite pastimes.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 25, 2020, 02:02:55 am
Out of sync update.
Has anybody seen this site?
I thought its quite informative .
https://www.covidvisualizer.com/ (https://www.covidvisualizer.com/)
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 25, 2020, 03:50:25 am
Out of sync update.

COVID -19
 
The world has gone mad!!
The general population has not heeded the warnings from the World Health Organization, about social distancing etc etc. To be fair however can we really blame them?
We are pumped daily with “News” from around the world, sensationalization of anything from cheating sports heroes to continual coverage of a president in a foreign country.
We have eventually become numb, or de-sensitized to just about everything.
So when the news started broadcasting that  COVID-19 or is that COVERT-19 was discovered in some village in China 8 time zones away and in a foreign language, we all scrolled passed it like it was clickbait.
Well 3 months later and all of a sudden borders are closing, all non-essential travel is banned, there is no toilet paper, the shelves are bare and we have been forced into isolation to stop the spread of this contagion.
End of days preppers are lapping this up like its Christmas, already safe in their hidey holes, polishing their armaments, checking and re-checking their supplies.
All safe in the knowledge that when the zombie phase of this pandemic hits they gonna crack some skulls!!!
This is actually a main talking point for spiderpig who is going to buy himself a metal baseball bat….. because according to hm a melee weapon is useful when the undead are about to descend upon us.
I nodded like I know what he was talking about. I eventually had to look up melee. it means a confused fight or scuffle.  :lol8:
Methinks that PlayStation has given the lad an unrealistic sense of his own ability. I have always found that when there is a confused fight or scuffle its best to back up against a wall, shuttle sideways to the exit and bolt like an Olympic athlete, leaving only takkie foot prints in the garden bed.
So what does all of this mean to us the common person on the street. The ones that need to work, pay rent and feed eating machines.
Stress, are our jobs safe? How long will this last? What will life look like on the other side of this? Who knows.  ::)
The guy in charge of the island crapped his pants a few days ago when he had taken time to explain to the nation that social distancing was there to flatten the curve.
Shortly after that the beaches were packed with aussies.
Now we cant have dinner parties, hair salons, tattoo parlours and all other non-essential business must close. 
Thank the pope that the bottleshops are seen as essential!!! Just this morning, seeing as I’m now home bound, I thought I would pop out to get some toilet paper, soap and fresh ingredients.
We are literally on our last roll of toilet paper and I finished the last bar of soap. Guess what!!  No toilet paper and no soap. I eventually found soap at the second shop I went to at an exorbitant price. Normally we pay $2 for 5 bars of soap. I paid $4 for one bar of homeopathetic soap. Let me just tell you that stuff better may my gat smell very nice or I’m off to Bunnings to buy sugar soap. (its like clean green)

AAAAANNNNNNNYYYYYYYWAAAYYYYYYYYYYY. I had organized a weekend away for wonder woman and I to celebrate our 20 years of union. These amorous / romantic  plans have been laid to rest so there will be no hanky-panky in a tent in the Grampians. Oh no dear readers, there will only be mowing of lawns, digging of garden beds and other honey-do list items that need to be completed.
This is not so bad as we are comfortable with each others company(so I've been told :biggrin:).
Spiderpig on the other hand who have been practicing social distancing since we arrived on the island has now decided that this is bullshit and feels that now is the time that he wants to be social with his mates. (facepalm) As his luck would have it he PlayStation remote broke on day one of isolation and he doesn’t have any money to purchase another one.
I’m not a bad parent, mostly, and I understand his quandary. I said to him if he does extra chores I will buy him one and his life can continue ad nauseam.
Most people would have been chipper and jumped at the opportunity to make $60. But by now I’m sure you have surmised that this was not the case.
His shoulders slumped, further, his bottom lip rolled out and hit the floor like a Turkish rug being sold by a desperate salesman at a carpet emporium.
As his eyes started to roll backwards in his head and he backed away I reminded him that I’m not his bank and it this would be a cash before delivery type deal. Being the clever Trevor that I am I have already ordered a remote and I will display it on the kitchen counter with a list of cores that need to be completed before he can have it. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA….. Stay tuned for this developing situation I’m sure desperation will eventually win in the end.
Its not all doom and gloom, Trenticles who is working at a butcher says that they are so busy they don’t even have time to fill the shelves. As the meat is ready its sold, apparently the shop has done record sales every day for about 2 weeks he mentioned $20k a day…. Jussie that’s a lot of mula. Even if it’s a false positive..
And finally look at my company I have when trying to work…

 

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 25, 2020, 11:41:10 am
. As the meat is ready

Bozo what do you pay for meat in Aus? Sheep and beef, the rest goes under vegetables!! ;) :lol8:
OK chicken and pig prices too. I am just curious as to what you pay in a country that has a lot of the above, sheep and beef.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 26, 2020, 06:26:19 am
meat (chicken especially) prices are related to the labor that goes into it.
Also where you buy it from. if it from a local butcher add 20% - 30%
for example:
Whole chicken : $4/kg
Chicken pieces : $ 8/kg
Skinless chicken: $ 12/kg

Beef:
Ausies dont like rump for some reason.
Mince: $ 10 /kg
Rump: $ 24 /kg  (I can get it for about $16 /kg)
Porterhouse : $ 32/kg
Rib eye steak $ 40 /kg
eye fillet : $ 60/kg

Lamb:
lamb roast : $ 24/kg
lamb cutlets: $ 40/ 660g

We eat alot of roast chicken ,mince and rump.

Every now and again there are specials on lamb where the prices are about half then we buy those.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 26, 2020, 10:34:34 am
meat (chicken especially) prices are related to the labor that goes into it.
Also where you buy it from. if it from a local butcher add 20% - 30%
for example:
Whole chicken : $4/kg
Chicken pieces : $ 8/kg
Skinless chicken: $ 12/kg

Beef:
Ausies dont like rump for some reason.
Mince: $ 10 /kg
Rump: $ 24 /kg  (I can get it for about $16 /kg)
Porterhouse : $ 32/kg
Rib eye steak $ 40 /kg
eye fillet : $ 60/kg

Lamb:
lamb roast : $ 24/kg
lamb cutlets: $ 40/ 660g

We eat alot of roast chicken ,mince and rump.

Every now and again there are specials on lamb where the prices are about half then we buy those.
I see you not so hot on pig? ;) :lol8:

Bozo have you tried Roo and how does it taste if you did?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on March 26, 2020, 02:13:03 pm
Bozo have you tried Roo and how does it taste if you did?

Don't get excited Chris.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 26, 2020, 03:29:20 pm
Bozo have you tried Roo and how does it taste if you did?

Don't get excited Chris.
That bad?!! :o :(
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on March 26, 2020, 09:27:42 pm
Out of sync update.
Has anybody seen this site?
I thought its quite informative .
https://www.covidvisualizer.com/ (https://www.covidvisualizer.com/)

Nice site this - thanks for posting :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 26, 2020, 11:39:31 pm
Bozo have you tried Roo and how does it taste if you did?

Don't get excited Chris.
That bad?!! :o :(
Kids dont like pig unless its bacon  :imaposer:
Yep, I quite like it, tastes like venison.  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 26, 2020, 11:41:41 pm
Out of sync update.
Has anybody seen this site?
I thought its quite informative .
https://www.covidvisualizer.com/ (https://www.covidvisualizer.com/)

Nice site this - thanks for posting :thumleft:

No Worries Mate  : :thumleft:

this is a better one
https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/map.html (https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/map.html)
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on March 26, 2020, 11:43:53 pm
Bozo have you tried Roo and how does it taste if you did?

Don't get excited Chris.
That bad?!! :o :(

Yep, I quite like it, tastes like venison.  :thumleft:
Pricing compared to other meats? Could one live on it as in twice a week or so? Stew kind of meat, lekke curry?
Does it taste better than ostrich? If so then I will eat it ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 27, 2020, 02:32:19 am
Its not that expensive. About the same as rump /kg
I think it has a stronger taste than ostrich. is lekker in a pot :pot:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 30, 2020, 05:21:31 am
I received a box to put my tools in for my birthday, As I have a tin shed as a garage I needed to fashion some type of wall to hang it from, I was off to Bunnings where I found boards for $13 each. O bought 3 and hung them, I then hung the box and placed all my tools, Next week I will be able to hang the other tools so they are easy to get to / find, all I need now is a vice and some other bits and bobs. Soon enough I will be able to start some other projects. Looking forward to that.
Lo-and-behold before and after
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 30, 2020, 05:28:45 am
Being Stuck at home I decided to document my progress with de-weeding my lawn.
We have this weed I think its called bindi weed, during the summer months it is not that obvious but as soon as it gets a bit cooler then it starts rear its ugly head. It pops up overnight like a family of moles have migrated from a distant country. If you don’t control it from the get go you are overrun and then, well, you’re fucked!
At our old house (rental) I tried several methods to control it, physically digging it up, round-up, weed-killer, paying a teenager per sprout and nothing really works, especially the teenager. Until I found Weed & Feed.
You are supposed to scatter it like fertilizer but I found that it turns the grass black for a few days. 
My method has been to just sprinkle some on the offending weed.
I don’t often complement the citizens of the island but today I have to give kudos where its due.
This stuff is cool. And on the bright side I can do a daily patrol and get any ones that I’m missing.
Check how quickly this stuff works, before, application and 1 and 2 days later.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 30, 2020, 05:37:11 am
I spent the weekend doing some Jobs around the house. Not because of COVID, Just because I had got to that part of the list.
The wooden stuff at the bottom was frot and kak looking so I bought a section, cut it to size and painted it as an experiment. I have fitted it and now it looks better. The next sections have been purchased and will be fitted next weekend. I recon when that’s done it will look much better.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 30, 2020, 05:37:55 am
Weekend work continued…..
I hung some blinds on the stoep in preparation for winter/rain, at some stage we will put heating in there.
We wanted to be able to remove the blinds easily so instead of bolting them to the top board I have used brass hooks and eyes. I recon that it went up pretty easily, even though the palooka that put up the stoep did not space the uprights evenly.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 30, 2020, 05:39:25 am
Weekend work continued…..
Trenticles also wanted to make a biltong box so I rummaged around for bits and bobs, we will be using ventilation as apposed to a light to dry out the meat. 
Due to social distancing restrictions I had to use a spare threaded bolt to hang the meat from. I will get some wooden dial sticks when get the chance.
I have never made billies before so after a YouTube tutorial we will see how this pans out…..
If it does then this will be a new hobby 😊
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on March 30, 2020, 09:43:12 pm
Well done on all the zogging! Seems very neat work.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 31, 2020, 01:33:21 am
Well done on all the zogging! Seems very neat work.
Thanks, Neat is how Wonder Woman likes it.  :pot:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 31, 2020, 02:29:43 am
Nothing like Hijacking your own thread..... I'm sure that everyone is getting gatfol of COVID so let me get back to my timeline.
If you have forgotten where we are.
Here's a quick catchu
I had just visited SA from the GoodolUSofA and was sitting in the airport on my way back to the island. you would have read part one of my African Safari.
herewith part 2:

As they say. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

The Next day my strategy was to get to Mel’s farm (100km away) as quickly as possible I made the mistake of taking a 150km detour going passed Sparky’s house. The cemented whatsapp plan was to be at his house at 10:00 and leave at 10:30…. Re-Read that last part……. The key word is Mistake. In the 30 minutes between my arrival and our expected departure some Dude drove into his gate buckling it effectively trapping us in his driveway.
For 4 hours……Fuckit…. On the bright side it was 4 hours that we used to chat about the important things in life, like the average speed of human nail growth vs the amount of slime a snail can produce in an hour in winter….
Eventually we were on the road and raced like 60 year old’s to the farm, at one stage we nearly hit 130km/h. The wind was in my thinning hair, and it felt good.
After 30km of dirt road, the African dust brining back memories of a better life we, pulled up to the house, the first thing we saw was the Man of the hour, the reason we were visiting Mzansi, the man that was going to marry my niece,
This beanstalk redhead had the look and gait of a forlorn hangdog orangutan. Standing in the middle of the construction area doing a slow motion, low energy impi dance.
This effect was possibly brought on from the work that he was doing in the weeks before, building a fuckoff big Stoep for a wooden table that Gavin bought had for Mel.
Luckily for the forlorn hangdog orangutan, support had arrived in the form of Two Management supervisor consultants, one with newly gained international world circling experience, the other with real construction and golf cart experience. These management supervisor consultants also brought beer, lots of beer. For the next 4 of the 5 days Cade, Myself, Ryan and Ryans Partners car were there to guide him down the path of building, plumbing, talking about sex and drinking in moderation. I put moderation at the end of that sentence because if I had said building in moderation, plumbing in moderation, sex in moderation you would know I was lying. We stayed away from giving relationship advice as Ryan’s Partners car was evidence enough of how things can go………….(This is a multiple choice ending
A.   Right
B.   Wrong
C.   He is going to be too busy with the twins to read this mail so I’m safe. 😊)

It seems to be a tradition with these (the big 3 RCR (Ryan Cade and Rob) ) boys to buy potency and force me to drink it with them, if you have never had potency before it’s easy to replicate. Take piss, add sugar, add syrup, add honey, add some more sugar, add some methylated spirits for colour and flavour stir and refrigerate. Then when its cold drink it. Fok! I can feel my back teeth lifting as I write this. So duty done we drank this stuff and the night was overs kadovers for me. I spent the night checking that I still had eyebrows and plotting my revenge. The next night, Ryan had to return to Poloks to park his car on a pillow, Cade and I were alone on the farm with the hangdog orangutan who by now was starting to smile and was clearly starting to benefit from our consulting methods and the beer. There was no potency (yeeha) but there was Tequila, and it was time for me to exsooooooooorsssiiiiiiiiiize the demons….. Cade foolishly decided that Tequila time was only every 15 minutes… needless to say Jose Gold was the winner in the end. I could go on ad nauseum about the beers and the music and the laughter, but, that would be boring for those that were not there.
In almost every letter I believe that we could learn something. I try to include Fact, aswell as Fiction, One could say there is a Mixture of Fact and Fiction. And then there is Fact with “drama” added in percentages. The proportion of “drama” added depends on the lesson to be learned. You decide for yourself what you believe is fact, fiction and “drama”. Gather round, get comfortable, todays lesson comes in the form of an anecdote from the domestic executive Sofie on Mels farm.
She had heard quick sticks from Philemon that we were there and there was a big party going on. I saw him scuttle down the road post-haste on his bicycle the first evening we were there. Obviously (or probably not) we were the talk of the Greater Dinokeng bushveld. Needless to say she was dreading the mess she was going to have to clean. Four days after we had been there she came in, dragging her heels on the dirt road as a sign of silent protest. Her tracks looked like a Renaults Wiring Harness being laid out to trace a fault in the fuse box. I thought that is was a bit like us going to work eveyday in the city…..  When she walked in, she had the look of someone that knew she was in for a day of hard graft. We greeted her in the kitchen and she looked around ready for an almighty mess. Well, did her frown turn upside down!!! She was the happiest person on the farm!. When she looked in the sink she had one Braai Tong, one Steel Plate and one Steak knife to wash. That was all we managed to use in 4 days. I must say I was happy with the results of our efforts, Spark on the other hand was not too happy, apparently man cannot survive on beer alone….. He was Very happy when the food arrived by the bakkie load a few hours later.  So what’s the lesson? If you invite me to your farm I’m a cheap food date and I only make very little mess. 😊
Lesson over!
Yvette and her Partner arrived Saturday morning just after the Boeing flew over, and just like that it was Gin o’clock. Yvette was looking great in her Castle Lager Jacket that I failed to steal. Her partner, who has just stepped out of a muscle and fitness magazine, was covered with bumps and lumps all over his body, ended up being an awesome guy not one of those okes with a high pitched voice that Juices. Unbelievably for once the guy built like a brickshit house was not about to beat me into a pulp and could actually hold a conversation beyond “I like to eat raw eggs and skinless chicken breasts”. I suppose after this letter we will go back to the default position of the big guy wanting to beat the computer guy. That’s ok I have bought a new pair of takkies and I’m fit enough to run like an Ethiopian chasing a malnourished chicken. I cant repeat the conversations that we had as apparently Gin has the same effect on my memory as Jägermeister. AHHH good times.
Next up….. Wedding day Stories, and settling back into life on the island.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on March 31, 2020, 03:01:00 am
This comes as a quick follow up on the last one. As I’m Stuck at home with bad guts. It’s the first time in my life I have thought about the benefits of owning a butt plug.
I could talk about the bride and groom, about how wonderful they looked and how everybody was so nicely dressed. We could chat about the romance in the air and the special meaning of the message from the priest, or even the speeches and the venue.
That’s not really my thing.
I was tasked, as everybody else was, to perform some jobs, nothing too important like looking after the rings. I had to put up a sign board on the road and, lucky for me, I had to cook 80 Burger patties the night before for a small gathering of 50 odd close friends and family. We used the stoep that the Groom built and how’s this, he wasn’t even there to take the credit for his efforts.
There was lots of chirping and greeting and handshakes and advice being handed out. Being busy like that has its benefits. I was not hanging like a fruit bat on the wedding day.
When I sauntered out of the room the next morning and onto the stoep, earlyish, my eyes were assaulted with glorious sunshine, the smell of the bush and a scattering of some layabout’s that clearly did not take into account their alcohol to weight ratio when partying the night before.
Even though the body is 60% water it’s amazing how parsimonious it can be when sending some of that life giving fluid back to your dry mouth, especially after a night of steadily, and happily I might add, feeding it a continuous stream of 375ml doses of flavoured bottled chicken (beer). I’m stunned every time!!!
AANNNYYYYYYWWAWWAAAYYYYYY….  Trying to solve the babalas problem with coca cola is not a solution, Water, Water and hair of the dog is the solution.
Most people were milling around at the farm and at the venue. All the work had been done the day before by the Ladies (you know who you are) who seem to be able to smile through any situation, its quite a feat to watch 5 tannies pull together and decorate a hall and church while taking orders from 2 pregnant “strong willed” Ladies.
With my job done at the venue I returned to the Farm. In the Hustle and Bustle of the activity now taking place I watched as the Photographers took the rings (the wedding rings, the other 2 rings pictures were taken later 😊 ) outside to take photos. They placed them on the rocks in the garden and were oohing and aahing and taking shot after shot.
All of a sardine the wind picked up and just like that both photographers stood bolt upright, it was like someone had stood on a snake. The one that was already pale, went a little more pale, the other one started to dart on the spot, she looked like she was standing in a 30cm wide steel cage and was being prodded with a cattle prodder.
They were communicating in short hand, “waaasit” “eek weetie” “fokit” “waaasit” “chekdaar” “fok fok Fok” I realized that something was asunder.
The pale one left the cattle prodded one still darting in circles and said in a quiet rushed voice to nobody in general. “TheWindBlewTheRingsInToTheRocksAndWeCantFindThemFokit.”
Being from the Island I have learned to listen, repeat in my head and translate. This is what I got.
“The wind blew the rings into the rocks and now we cant find them. …….oops”…….
The cattle prodded one eventually came unstuck and was sticking her hand in holes that I would have thought twice about in the winter.
While she was on the hunt for the rings the pale one was surreptitiously packing the car for a quick getaway if it came to that. Eventually after about 5 minutes the rings were found, the pale plale one returned to being normal pale, the cattle prodded one took the invisible prodder and decided that she was going to do the prodding for the rest of the day.
I decided to take my leave and prepare the Landrover for the Bridal Party. Which brings me to the Bride.
What can I say about the Bride? The closest thing I will ever have to a daughter? When she walked out of the room in her dress, my breath was taken away, she looked stunning, her day had finally arrived, it was her day to be the princess.
Caught up in the moment of it all I floundered around in an emotional haze, my vision had blurred, my hands started to burn and started to feel a numbness in my lower extremities. Luckily for me Wonder Woman was there to save the situation. She took the smoke out between my fingers, (burning problem) took the glass out of my hand (blurred vision) and gave me cushion for the bar stool (numbness).
It was time to get to the Church.
It had been bestowed upon me to drive her to the venue on the Landrover, in typical African Style we had 40 people with for the lift and a short game drive. Eventually we got there without too much drama and the wedding was on.
The Groom had shod his labourer clothes and was looking quite dapper after being pushed through a shower and a losing a battle with a comb. The result was that he was looking quite relaxed and happy. There was the I do, I do, part and then we were into the business end of the wedding.
The Gin Bar was opened, there was a Tequila table and there were some peeps to meet and greet.
We had just completed the Family Photographs when Ryan spotted me and waved me over. This was the big moment. I was going to meet his partner. I must say he had timed it well, I still had all my clothes on, I was sober and he was standing next to the Tequila Tree. Clearly the stories Ryan had been telling her about me were WAAAAAAAYYYYYY Over exaggerated and she tended to stick quite close to him, either for protection, or my Australian Manliness was intimidating, it was probably none of that…. AnyHoooo She was very nice and I also told her that I liked her car. Hehehehehe………
The Sun Eventually went down and we moved into the Hall to squeak a takkie, I was casually standing by the bar minding my own business, when the song Leeuloop comes on. Cade comes running back from the DJ’s Booth with a fat smile on his face and says.
“Sorry buddy you have to do it. I had a bet with the DJ that if he played the song, someone here would do the dance….. Don’t let me down, here let me take your drink” 
He grabbed my beer out of my hand and pointed to area that I could use to remove my attire. Elsabe was in the background distracting Wonder Woman and Ryan was nudging his partner saying “Check this out LOL” 
It’s almost like this was planned……
Now I’m a lot of things, I may be introverted, I may even be a little obtuse and sometimes even gaudy, but I don’t think I have ever let my friends down. Beaten up yes, but never let my friends down.
With the speed of a stripper that’s got a huge tip waiting at the next table, I whipped off my kit and got on all fours.
After that it was easy. I just followed the words. I took my Balls and Squeezed them between my legs and reversed out onto the dance floor. Before I go on, I just want to place a disclaimer here….
It was cold…. Just saying….
The details are not too clear but from what I remember there was some PSSHHTTTTTT sounds of people spitting their drinks out, there was the quick intake of air from the astonished gasps of the little old ladies fighting for prime position and there was laughter, some sick people even took photos….. Really!! Who does that!! Who takes photos of a pale naked potbellied balding bloke crawling on all fours with his junk tucked in between his legs??.
(if you want a photo I can send you one😊)
When I had finally managed to put my clothes back on and massaged the feeling back into my knees, It was laughs all round and maybe some frowns from Wonder Woman.
We danced to Lisa’s se Klavier and I may have shed a little tear, being surrounded by the people that I love.
Again so many individual stories that I want to share but hey
…. Ok One last one….
We were back on the farm and it was time to go. Wonder Woman, Spiderpig ,Trenticles and Mel were on their way up to Haenertsburg and I was headed back to Aus.
I was using Lee’s Car and we all said our good byes.
Travelling down the dirt road I thought to myself that this car has some weird tyres on it. They seem to be picking up lots of stones. All I could hear was a cacophony of ting, ting, ting, klunk, Klunk…... Anyway I slowed down and it got better. I stopped to have a look and discovered the problem. The Belly pan (engine guard) had come loose in the front and was bouncing and scraping on the ground. The problem was this.
We were 30km from Cullinan top speed was 60km/h I had to stop every couple of km to clip it back in.
Sandra was there to offer moral support and worked as backup crew stating the obvious every time we stopped. Like “you are getting your clothes dirty”, “I think its broken properly”, “cant you just pull it off”… we stopped at the OTK in Cullinan and I bought a bag of cable ties (bless that inventor) and we (me under the car in my flight clothes and Sandra leaning over the bonnet giving advice) tried to fix it.
Eventually after 3 hours of stopping, fixing, rolling around on the dirty floor and getting sweaty, we managed to get back to Benoni.
It was time to spend some quality time with my folks again before it was time to go.
And THAT Ladies and Gents is the Summary of a Quick Visit to South Africa.
More time spent with each of you would have been fantastic.
Know that even if it was for a couple of hours it meant the world to me, there is a special place in my heart for you and for Africa. We are all back on the Island now and have returned to some normality. Until Next time
Zoy!!!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Fudmucker on April 01, 2020, 10:12:39 pm
Bozo, does your fan extract or blow in air?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 02, 2020, 12:45:26 am
Bozo, does your fan extract or blow in air?
Herooo Daaar.
Well this time the air is being blown in.
Why? Does it really matter?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 02, 2020, 03:58:53 am
Just Tasted the Biltong.  :drif: :drif: :drif: :drif:
With this one batch that I made, I have paid for the everything in one go.
The Average price if biltong is about $80/kg
My cost.
Plastic Box: $7
1kg Rump : $ 15
Spices etc: $ 3
Fan: $10
Nettng: $5
Rod: $ 5
Total Cost : $45

Net Weight of the biltong after drying is about 500g (guestimate)
All in all the next batch will be cheaper as its only the meat that needs to be bought...

BOOM mastered yet another Survival skill for when the zombie apocalypse hits  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: DeeCeeBee on April 02, 2020, 05:09:01 am
Hi Bozo,

I am really enjoying this thread immensely  ;D
I made the move to Tasmania just over 4 years ago and am in the process of applying for my Aussie citizenship.
Your humorous writing has been an absolute joy to read  :thumleft:

If you are ever over the ditch in Tas, I would really like to buy you a beer  ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Boersoeknbike on April 02, 2020, 10:51:18 am
aparently it's better to extract air. But mine's made from sleeperwood so I was afraid of the tar smell, so  mine extracts, for 3 years works like charm.

Bozo, does your fan extract or blow in air?
Herooo Daaar.
Well this time the air is being blown in.
Why? Does it really matter?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on April 02, 2020, 11:24:44 am
The Average price if biltong is about $80/kg

BOZO how does Aussie made biltong that you buy taste? Also as crappy as the US made Beef Yerky?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: TeeJay on April 02, 2020, 01:36:50 pm
Is that shed your garage?  :eek7:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on April 02, 2020, 07:16:20 pm
Is that shed your garage?  :eek7:

Was also wondering... looks bigger than the house :eek:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 02, 2020, 10:40:43 pm
Hi Bozo,

I am really enjoying this thread immensely  ;D
I made the move to Tasmania just over 4 years ago and am in the process of applying for my Aussie citizenship.
Your humorous writing has been an absolute joy to read  :thumleft:

If you are ever over the ditch in Tas, I would really like to buy you a beer  ;D

Howzit from the slightly warmer part of the southern tip of the island!!
Thanks for the compliment :thumleft:
I will definitely contact you when I come over there.
Please do the same if you ever have to come round to the big smoke!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 02, 2020, 10:47:30 pm
The Average price if biltong is about $80/kg

BOZO how does Aussie made biltong that you buy taste? Also as crappy as the US made Beef Yerky?
When its at $80/ kg I have not really had the chance to taste too much, but, Tony the owner of  "Tonys" the South African shop is a butcher and he make pretty decent biltong.
He is also the guy that cuts my rump for me. I like it thick and large.
When I walk into his shop he just looks at me and asks how many pieces I want.  :drif: :drif: :drif:
By the end of this lock down we will just be gooi-ing hand signals :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 02, 2020, 10:49:44 pm
Is that shed your garage?  :eek7:

Was also wondering... looks bigger than the house :eek:
Ja its a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeg one.
I'm busy trying to sort it out so that we can get cars bikes and pool tables moved around easily.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on April 02, 2020, 10:50:18 pm
 Tony the owner of  "Tonys" the South African shop

Is Tony a Aussie or Saffer?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 02, 2020, 11:10:02 pm
Tony the owner of  "Tonys" the South African shop

Is Tony a Aussie or Saffer?

He is a Saffer been here for about 13 years I think.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: DeeCeeBee on April 03, 2020, 03:36:43 am
Hi Bozo,

I am really enjoying this thread immensely  ;D
I made the move to Tasmania just over 4 years ago and am in the process of applying for my Aussie citizenship.
Your humorous writing has been an absolute joy to read  :thumleft:

If you are ever over the ditch in Tas, I would really like to buy you a beer  ;D

Howzit from the slightly warmer part of the southern tip of the island!!
Thanks for the compliment :thumleft:
I will definitely contact you when I come over there.
Please do the same if you ever have to come round to the big smoke!!!

Thanks very much  :thumleft:
One day when I am big... I am planning on touring the Great Ocean Road on 2 wheels  :ricky:
All the best for the days ahead in this weird time we are trying to navigate.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 06, 2020, 02:02:10 am

It was just over a year ago, we were halfway through our eight months of winter and there was a break in the cold weather the sun was shining through the clouds.
We took the opportunity and were sitting outside charging our bodies with Vitamin D. Trenticles had pulled some teenager attitude, he cracked the shits, and was in his room.
In his defiance of adults, he had slammed his door and was pumping his speaker. There was some strange "music" coming from his room where the "artist" kept saying his own name in the Lyrics. 
This "Artist" it seemed, had learned to sing at the same place his stylist had learned to size clothing. It was all "bitches be real, I gotta gat in my hand and my boyz be realz, I be dope yo!" while his pants were falling off his skinny ass and his peak cap was on sideways.
Wonder Woman being in with the “fo shizzle ma nizzle” crowd was bopping her head to this ghastly din. Spiderpig rolled his eyes and shook his head in a disapproving manner that made me think there was hope for at least one of my offspring. It felt like we had a moment there, he must have used his spidey-senses and picked up on this moment and said.
“I'm not going to be like Trenticles when I'm a teenager. In fact, I’m not going to be your typical Teenager at all!!”
He was 12 years 1 month and 3 days old.
And Now... 360 odd days later, he is 13. An official Teenager...
Those words so eloquently spoken. Those sweet words absorbed and taken to heart.
Those words so true, so very very true, but also wide off the mark... you see when I heard "I won’t be like Trent", and "I won’t be your typical teenager". I imagined, how do I say this? anything but a Teenager......
Spiderpig, for just over a month now has been a teenager. And slowly but surely over just 3 weeks we have seen those words fade, faster than my favorite Metallica tee shirt.
He was given PlayStation earphones for his birthday which he wears permanently. I’m sure that if we were to take a before and after picture you will see that his skull is slowly changing shape as they squeeze the brains from his skull, his constant sniffing must be his effort to keep the brains from leaking out.
If they are not plugged into the PlayStation, they are plugged into his phone.  This should have been the first indication to me that he will not be like a typical teenager.
The shortening of his tendons in his arms from consistently holding a remote or a phone has given him the look of a person permanently holding a book. Only it’s not a book it’s a phone or a remote.

Teenagers seem to know everything. It’s a story we all know too well, hell we were teenagers too. Which means we should be equipped to deal with them.
“Ya Right!!”. If Teenagers seem to know everything, Spiderpig knows even more. Every Conversation lately that I have with him goes a bit like this.
“Max you need to brush your teeth before you leave for school”
“I know”
“Max Dinner is ready”
“I know”
Or how about this morning’s conversation.
“Morning Max”
“I know”
“Max did you eat all the two-minute noodles?”
“No, I didn’t”
And so it goes. He may use short sentences, they may not be very descriptive, but they are clear and easy to understand for an old fart like me.
He is a very clever guy…. Not only has Google Expanded his mental capacity beyond human proportions but he has also been developing his physical abilities by being plugged into to PlayStation and YouTube Spiderpig has used the monkey see monkey do method of learning to pick up a multitude of dance moves.
If you know Spiderpig then you know he can dance, sometimes he looks like a backup dancer in a Michael Jackson Music Video. If I were to do a comparison between Trenticles, myself and Spiderpig we (Trenticles and myself)  look like we are auditioning for a role in Monty Pythons the ministry of funny walks.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8))
It’s all uncoordinated knees, flat feet and floppy arms, half a beat behind, pulling a face that looks like we are eating hot chillies, while spiderpig is kapping a moon walk on ice.

**HI-JACK-ON**.... If you combine dance moves and music it just works.
What I mean is. If you are into rap music and you watch rap dancers you know its rap. There is a lot of crotch grabbing, thick chains, flash cars, fake money throwing and slight bopping movement of the head.
If you are into Metal you know its metal because there is long hair, black makeup and headbanging happening.
If its Afrikaans, there is veldskoens, khaki pants, floral skirts and Sokie, and if its rock there is air guitar, air drums, foot tapping etc etc....
My point here is. If you were watching someone dance but you couldn’t hear the music you would be able to tell what kind of music it was.....

Spiderpig wears his earphones so we don’t have to hear his music and as Spiderpig’s worlds view has been developed from YouTube and PlayStation, that’s the only music he knows......
I assume it’s the gripping sound tracks of Double Dragon, Packman and Donkey Kong. His dance moves are an eclectic collection of five to seven dance styles all merged in to one.
These dance moves come at random times. You could be walking down the street, in the mall or just standing in the kitchen and it happens like a heart attack.
Out of the blue he starts gyrating and flopping his arms round like he is being attacked by a swarm of bats. Before you can react its over like it never happened. Trenticles seems to have a sixth sense about these things in public and tends to walk three meters in front or behind us.
**BYE-JACK**

Its Thursday night I'm in the kitchen making a gourmet meal consisting mince, frozen veg and Pasta. Wonder Woman is at the gym, Trenticles and Spiderpig are on the prowl for food and every now and again emerge from their separate dungeons to see if the chow is ready.
Spiderpig is so hungry he is ready to eat the fridge door, and I think Trenticles has already started on his rugby boot. All is peaceful on the island. I’m watching "The Chase" and hitting a 70% correct answer average. I hear one of the dungeon doors open and Spiderpig emerges hoping that on his 3rd time round that the food is ready.
It’s his lucky day. I’m about to dish.
If you want to understand what dishing up is like in our house, try handing a nice juicy steak to a pack of Hyena’s.
I hand this dish of gastronomic satisfaction, brimming with pasta nests filled with mince and a delicate topping of Parmesan cheese and good old salt and pepper to Spiderpig and  turn to dish for Trenticles who is still in his room waiting for his daily special invite to join us for dinner, when it happens. :eek7:


Spiderpig attempts to sit on the Lazyboy, one hand carrying the phone, one hand carrying the food, two fingers holding the earphones, one eye on the phone watching YouTube, one eye on the tv watching "The Chase" one leg trying to push down the foot rest on the lazyboy and one leg, the last hope of mankind, his only real connection to the human race and mother earth, deserted him right there.
It decided that it was time to kap a move and do a jiggy. He collapsed into the chair. The dish of life giving sustenance, food fit for a king, slipped off the plate in slow motion onto his crotch.  :o
The heat transfer speed and mechanics that I wont get into now, reprogrammed Spiderpig’s brain and taught him rap and break dance moves in under 1 second.
He went from being a lazyboy with food on his lap to a heavy metal, crotch banging, baggy pants, celtic sword dancer with a high pitched lonely dog howl.
I spun round to see the last part of his new dance and the remainder of the food float to the floor. 
Which had just been mopped by yours truly. The plate had hardly stopped spinning on its final resting place when my blood pressure was topping out at one bazillion over eighty-eight.
He looked at me with eyes that said here comes kak!!!
Using my outside voice I let loose!!!
“That happed because you are trying to do three hundred things at once!! Just for once put the effing phone down and concentrate.”
“I, I, I wasn’t doing three hundred things, it was the chairs fault”
So I said “You know what I don’t care! Clean that mess up now!”
He walks out of the lounge towards his bedroom. (my blood pressure has now increased to one bazillion and one) “Where are you going?” I ask between clenched jaws.
With an incredulous look he says, “To change my clothes!”
My blood pressure is now up another pip and I think I’m developing a nose bleed along with a twitch in my right eye.
“And the Chair and the food on the floor?”
“I Know, I will do that now” came his teenager response.
I’ve gone full tilt now, the twitch in my eye and my blood pressure has moved into something that should have a medical term because “shitting a cat” just doesn’t seem adequate right now.
Spiderpig realizes that he should probably leave his clothes for later and start with the lounge. He spins round and starts an unenthusiastic attempt at cleaning.
While he is on his knees pushing the food around on the floor, I say to him that it would work a lot better if he got the mop to clean the floor. He looks up, starts to roll his eye and says.
...wait for it….
”I know”
TWANG!!!!!!!!
Well, roll me up and call me curly. That my friends is the part where I went postal……. I looked down. There were two choices.
A very sharp expensive kitchen knife, and a fork.
Through the red mist I grabbed the fork and began throwing it at him. Halfway into my full speed throw I realized that explaining a fork pegged in a 13-year-old to the police on the island may be difficult.
So I held on for a split second longer, like a cricketer bowling a googly, before releasing this silver spiked projectile of death.
It arched through the air with reckless abandon. Spiderpig being on the receiving end of this event, froze like bambi in the headlights, his eyes growing larger as the fork flew towards him.
I’m not sure if he heard my voice trailing the fork
“Here’s your effing “I know” !!!”
When there’s a high-tension moment everything seems to move in slow motion, your senses become alive, colours are more vivid, smells are sharper and sounds clearer.
We watched this four pronged, fifteen centimetre, silver projectile bounce off the floor, its momentum and the angle that it hit the ground at changed the end destination.
With no fleshy object in its path to stop it, it bowed up passed spiderpig, who was watching it like a ball boy at Wimbledon, until it reached its final destination:
Directly into the middle of the 48” flat screen TV. Where it promptly stayed. The 48" of high definition picture no longer there, replaced with a high colour shattered mirror.
Spiderpig’s head rotated slowly back towards me his eyes now stuck in his head, no chance of them rolling now. There is a pregnant silence.
It’s not his fault we have a fork in our TV and now is not the time to be clever and point out that fact.
All I could say was still in my outside voice. “And Now I have a fucked TV”…… >:(
Trenticles hearing the commotion emerged from his room, ready to jump on the bandwagon and kak his brother out.
As he rounded the corner, he looked at my face then at spiderpig still semi frozen over a plate of spaghetti on the floor and the fork in the TV, he pirouetted and went back into his room, not even bothering to ask about dinner, his rugby boot was looking pretty tasty now. Wisely he knew that sometimes it’s best to just walk away.
The story should end there but there are four people that live in this house. Three have been actively involved up until now.
The last one at this point doesn’t know this has happened. Wonder woman is on her way home and someone has to “Please Explain”…
All of a sardine the roles are reversed. I’m about to get two to three weeks of pregnant silence. There’s the guilt trip and the accusatory looks. To make matters worse, I know spiderpig is going to milk this for as long as possible, one puppy faced emotion bending look into his mothers eyes and I’m a dead man.
This is not something you cover with a carpet. I man up and think it could have been worse. I don’t know how but it could have. 
AAAANNNNYYYYYYYYWAAYYYY.. All I can say is it went well. Wonder Woman doesn’t shout, she doesn’t stamp her feet, she doesn’t even sit us down for a quick lecture. She just says:
“That’s an expensive way to lose your temper”.
Even when we bought a new UHDTV…Eish…. Someone’s gonna kak soon. As a way to beg for forgiveness I have not included any comments about RENAULT's or Landrovers.  Please send happy thoughts.
Until next time Friends…. If there is 😊
ZOY!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Wayne on April 06, 2020, 09:11:58 am
Man the wife and I have tears of laughter running down our faces. This was hilarious.

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: RrP on April 06, 2020, 05:30:12 pm
Bozo this latest saga is most unfortunate, everytime I see someone with earphones on now will be a reminder of a fork buried in a TV !! Keep em coming.

Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: mox on April 06, 2020, 05:53:13 pm
BOZO you need to publish this shit, your take on things is fucking halarious!  :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 08, 2020, 05:18:08 am
So not tooo much happening here. I assume that all the normal lurkers are having too much fun at home to have time to browse the Forum.  :pot:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: funky_munky on April 08, 2020, 11:35:54 am
BOZO, this is some of the most entertaining reading I have done all day, my wife was rolling on the floor, says she can so relate to it, She has subsequently sent it to her friends to read.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 14, 2020, 06:48:34 am
BOZO, this is some of the most entertaining reading I have done all day, my wife was rolling on the floor, says she can so relate to it, She has subsequently sent it to her friends to read.
Thanks, Glad you are enjoying the thread!!   :thumleft:
Hope her friends don't think I'm weird or anything   :o  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Welsh on April 14, 2020, 06:55:41 am
So not tooo much happening here. I assume that all the normal lurkers are having too much fun at home to have time to browse the Forum.  :pot:

So much fun Bozo, my wife has exhausted her stash of smokes, I fear for my life.  :o
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 14, 2020, 07:41:42 am
So not tooo much happening here. I assume that all the normal lurkers are having too much fun at home to have time to browse the Forum.  :pot:

So much fun Bozo, my wife has exhausted her stash of smokes, I fear for my life.  :o
:laughing4: :laughing4: good luck mate, only another 21 days to go.... :o
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on April 14, 2020, 02:33:50 pm
I would like to see the Leeuloop picture(s)... just saying....
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 15, 2020, 04:40:41 am
I would like to see the Leeuloop picture(s)... just saying....
Ha Ha Ha.... It aint pretty. A few years ago I was at Eastwood in Cape Town. We were sitting at the back having a few cold ones with the owner. (the same guy that owns the one close to loftus). At some point in the evening the Manager told me that her party trick was being able to tie a knot into a cheery stalk with her tongue....
I should have known then, that this was probably a hint of where the evening could go  if I behaved myself and I was single. But being a touch daft I missed the obvious clues and said.
"LOL thats nothing. I can do the LeeuLoop."
It was possibly a bit too loud as I was overheard and encouraged to prove it.
While she was organizing the theme song I was standing behind the bar stripping off all of my kit. The barman, who was busy pouring a draught at the time, was very confused.
His confusion turned to horror when I smiled and said watch this.
I got on all fours, tucked my pendulating testicles between my thighs and reversed out from around the Bar Counter.
Sure enough about 30 seconds later the entire place was dumbstruck at the view.
The owner (thank goodness) thought that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen (at that point in time) and told me I could drink for free any time at his place.
ahhh good times.....
 :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 15, 2020, 06:57:07 am
So there I was standing in the kitchen at work, as per usual I was doing my best not to touch anything in the worlds filthiest kitchen, the toaster, toastie-maker and microwave had come to life and were starting to get cranky, I suppose that one would expect that after more than 837 days of being used more than once a day and never been cleaned.

For a moment there I was expecting Bella and the Tea Set from Beauty and the Beast to come around the corner singing some happy song about cleaning and living in a haunted castle with a deformed Tennant that kept one rose in glass jar... how mad is that for a fairy tale? …..
AANNNYYYYYWAY there I was trying not to touch anything in the kitchen, my hand was literally in the cookie jar retrieving yet another biscuit for the day when my mind said
“go ahead fatty have another one”….
To be completely honest I have not put on my takkies and gone for a run since arriving back on the island. The consequences of my laziness is that my pant kan like to be tights on the half parts of my bodies.
Overwhelmed by self-inflicted menial mental guilt I opened my grip slightly and tried to get more in my hand.
No point in wasting energy going back for seconds.
My thoughts caught me like a monkey stuck with its hand in the pumpkin, I was trapped, alone with no-one to answer to, like that last lonely beer in the fridge left to socialize with the 2% low fat milk and the kale (and lets be honest, nobody likes kale).
It was an isolated place to be caught. I can’t back down from a challenge, especially one I know I can win, so I took two biscuits and muttered to myself “Don’t tell me what to do!!”.
Retrospectively being a self-absorbed misanthrope with a slight narcissistic personality disorder has its advantages, you can tell yourself to piss off and walk away with a smile knowing that you kicked your own ass and you don’t even care.

With summer on the way I decided to use this little “motivational” self-chat to set myself a goal. 5kg by December, I’m not 100% sure if it was 5 up or 5 down but at least I have a number. I recon if I can bulk up 2½ in September, stabilize in October and then shed 3 in November I will have over achieved my goal and can go into summer looking dashing!!!
It’s Funny how plans work out. No sooner had I set myself a goal and life decided to hand out little gift cards in the form of an event at work on Spring day.
They had those triangle shaped bread things with some kind of disgusting edibles placed between them.
I’m so bored of my own cooking that I must have eaten a whole tray. I do remember at one stage, while protecting the snacks tray and giving a student the hairy eyeball, that they also had sesame seed rolls with cold cooked soggy pumpkin in it as a filling…….
what
the
actual
fuck!!!,
Lumpy unsalted baby purity on a roll.
I’m sorry that’s where I draw the line. My mind is trying to vomit just remembering it.
It’s as bad as when wonder woman boils fish and vegetables in the same pot and wants to share…… no…. just, no!!
It was a weight on weight off kinda day. 
This means that I spent my Springday stuck at a University helping students prepare their presentations for a hackathon event they had been working on for the last 2 days. (A hackathon is basically an industry funded event where you get volunteers to form a group and come up with ideas to solve an industry problem, the beauty is you can set your own rules and, in the end, own all the ideas that come out of it, sooo aka, free labour from an unsuspecting brains trusts)
As there was some serious money up for grabs for the teams, some wanted it more than others. First prize was $7000 second was $4000 and third was $3000. Convert that to any currency and it’s a lot of moola. Being on the island where handing out hugs is compulsory every team that took part did not go home empty handed, they each got $550 which they could share amongst themselves.
That’s like 11 cases of beer for each team!!!
With an average of 5 people in a team….. Ahhh to be a student again.
What did I get I hear you ask? Ke’? What What?
I just got to watch students struggle through presentations, bungle their demos and answer questions they did not understand.
That’s nine hours of my life I will never get back!!

In other news Trenticles has made the state rugby union team for u16’s. Obviously we are quite proud of the lad and I am secretly hoping that he lands a Bazzillon Dollar contract from VB, Malbro and BMW Motorrad.
If however, they don’t come to the party, I have started to brew my own beer and my yammie is on charge waiting for the sun to come out.

After our HDTV drama, Spiderpig has been given a pet, he calls it sherbert, I’m less original like that and have decided to call it rat. I based my decision on the fact that it’s a fat rat that shits a lot. He seems to be very pleased with it and I think like horse owners they are starting to look alike…..I just hope he doesn’t start eating grass and shitting on the floor. 

Ok one last quick story before I sign off.
Yesterday I heard on the news that it will be the warmest day in four months down here on the island, it’s going to be 24 degrees. I bet ¼ of Melbourne will be chucking a sickie and the beach will be full of lazy whatwhats. That’s not the interesting part. Today on the news, I heard that there were two separate incidents of people getting injured on mobility scooters. Firstly, a mobility scooter is supposed to be used by old people that can’t walk around.
So, it’s like an electric wheelchair with a steering wheel. Key phrases here are “old people” and “can’t walk around”.
This is the island and if you want to make the roads safe they (the government) make getting a driver’s license a 3 year ordeal with L plates then Red P plates, then Green P plates before you can officially be recognized as a “driver”.
Then they charge $700 for rego every year and you are put into a points system to make breaking the rules close to crippling, just to finish off the safety on the roads campaign they drop the speed limit to 50km/h so even the suicidal kangaroos can survive.
Ok now the roads are safe.
They are safe because 50% of the population have lost their licenses and are waiting for their points to come back in. (18 moths or something stupid)
The problem here, I have surmised is that these pointless people still need to get someplace…….. hey presto, like a light bulb turning on in an empty room, all of a sudden, here is an idea.
Let’s buy a mobility scooter.
•   It’s not a car,
•   You don’t need a licence,
•   You don’t have to pay $700 rego,
•   It’s got a steering wheel,
•   Its got a fair range and a boot to put the grog into when you pop down to the local bottle-o. WAIT IT GETS BETTER.
•   You can drive this puppy directly into the shop.
•   Yes!! all of a sardine the world is your drive thru…
Now back to my story.
The Island has lazy people, the weather was 24 degrees the warmest it’s been in the last 4 months, there are 24 beers in a case of VB, there are 24 Hours in a day. Coincidence?
I think not! If you put 2 and 2 together, you don’t need to be Nancy Drew, to connect the dots.
These okes were out on the piss and joy riding, when they found out that playing chicken with a truckie was a bad idea.
I recon to punish them they should make them drive RENAULT’s for 6 months.
No that’s a bit cruel, 2 months, is more humane.
Be cool people, Summer is on its way, BOOYAAAAAAAA.

Zoy!!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 16, 2020, 05:15:47 am

**Random Thought**
I think I need to add the date (approximate) that I wrote each of these letters it will give some idea of a time line.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on April 16, 2020, 07:08:28 am

**Random Thought**
I think I need to add the date (approximate) that I wrote each of these letters it will give some idea of a time line.

Naah, don't bother. The randomness fits with the randomness of your thoughts... It all makes sense! 😅
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 21, 2020, 06:31:20 am
OK!!!!!! Story time again. I think this was October 2018

Walking down the stairs with my new glasses I realized that it was time to loose weight or get one of those string jobbies for my glasses.
That’s how life changing events happen, some random realization of an everyday thing…..
I have now reached the age where my eyes are no longer far lookers or near lookers they are basically just orbs that let light into my skull.  ::)
Although the optometrist was very good at her explanation of my failing eyesight hearing the news that I was going to need bi-focals was like stubbing your baby toe against the coffee table at 3 in the morning.
Having bi-focals is not the major issue here, in fact its great. I can now see a lot more than usual like 50% more….. The problem is getting used to them. 
These glasses are not like the olden day ones that have that line in the middle. Just thinking about that gives me the shivers.

I remember when the teacher gives you a note for behaviour or homework not done or some other kak and you need to go to the office.
The head of department, some late 40’s red nosed, blotchy cheeked, angry man living in denial over the fact that he should have listened to his friends and become a car sales man instead of a teacher, takes the note and with a deep sigh, settles back in his chair.
He knows what’s in the note.
You know what’s in the note.
You know that he knows what in the note.
And he knows that you know what’s in the note. 
It’s not pretty. As he puts on his glasses you can see a slight smile start to crack on his dry lips, the yellow tobacco stained teeth showing you the real reason he became a teacher and not a car salesman.
Because “vandag pappie gaan you gat brant”. He slowly opens the note taking care to make as much fuss as possible and that’s where the bi-focals kick in.
Keeping his head at a constant 45 Degree angle the eyes jump from the note to you standing on the other side of the desk. The clear line in the glasses exaggerating the transitions.
The office is quiet, except for the creak of the government sponsored chair, the laboured breathing of the fat guy on said chair and the nervous shuffle of you moving from foot to foot.
You know you should have put the hymn book in your underpants but now its too late…… There’s no time for excuses there are only choices, you can have the thick cane, the thin one or you can let him have his choice.
The time is short to choose because the creaky government chair is being wheeled around the table and by the time it gets there it’s time to hold onto the chair handles and hope that he is feeling under the weather….
In all my years of school, I have never had a head of department that has felt that under the weather to not let loose a beating of mass proportions tantamount to an excited sadist clubbing seals on a week day.

Hmmm seems I went a bit of track there. OH Well.  So yes I have these new near-far-lookers. And after a month I can almost walk around without feeling like my one eye has popped out and is dangling from a thread giving me false feedback about where I’m going.
On a number of occasions I’ve had to stop and wait for my brains to catch up with my eyes….. or the other way round… But I do have a daily challenge, you see at the end of a hard days slog at the office I pack up my laptop bag as quickly as possible and head out of the office.
We are on the second floor, and there is a flight of stairs to go down. Having near-far-lookers and descending a flight of stairs has now become a challenge, I can’t take my goggles of as I won’t be able to see anything and the near bit of the near-far bit is only in the middle of the lens, and the far bit of the near-far bit is all around the outside.
It doesn’t help that I stand at the top of the stairs looking like a chameleon with one eye on the target and the other looking for a soft place to land, hand gripping the balustrade in that slow-motion double forwards forwards back move that they do. I understand now why they walk like that.
The solution to this particular problem is easy: I just need to tilt my head when going down the stairs. That will get the near- bit of the near-far bit in the correct visual range there by making the decent, seamless and easy..…
By now you must be wondering if I have the same problem going up the stairs?? Well I don’t and the reason is simple.…I don’t have a double-whammy chin on the back of my neck. Yes there is some extra meat/blubber/cushioning there but that’s used as a pillow on the couch or on long flights, but, more importantly, it doesn’t hinder my ability to ascend a flight of stairs….
On a metaphysical level part of solving a problem is understanding it and the factors that surround it. Then once you have collected all the information, you can assess what can be fixed and what cant.
For this problem I knew that the stairs can’t change, their degree if incline and decline is fixed, my eyes are expensive to fix and my job can’t change for at least the next 13 months.
The only solutions possible are:
•   Get a longer neck
•   Loose a fat roll on the neck there by allowing for greater angular movement of my upper cervical vertebrae.

Obviously, solution one is the by far the easiest method and requires very little effort from all parties involved.
A quick search on google informed me that if I cross dressed and integrated myself with the Kayan Lahwi I would after a few years have a longer neck and formidable collection of brass rings.
(I wonder if the men have a similar custom…you know….for down under… ;) .)
After some pondering over this matter I decided against it based on the following facts.
1.   If there is internet there is probably going to be pretty slow.
2.   Spiderpig and Trenticles seem to have settled quite well here on the island
3.   Wonder woman’s OCD’ness with cleaning a packed-mud floor may impact our nuptial blissfulnesses
4.   If we move there, there won’t be these stairs to descend and I may forget the purpose of elongating my neck and collecting brass. (wonder if they get that green ring on their necks when they sweat?)

This left me with only one option.
Loose the fat roll… :o…the one on the front.. I had a look in the mirror and to my surprise the fat roll / double chin had dropped a touch, in fact it had slid directly past my nipples and got stuck above my belt and seemingly decided to settle there, I can see that the struggle for the old muscle and fat to remain in their original position was real as there are these healed claw marks around my midsection that I don’t remember getting…
It a pity really, that some, not a lot, didn’t slip past the belt buckle and beef me up in the manhood department… oh well. I suppose 10” on a toothpick is more impressive than 10” on an elephant…. 
So with all of this in mind I had to improve my daily physical workout, or eat less…. If you don’t count the biscuits that I eat at work then I only eat once a day and because of this I’m not giving up the good stuff. Fuck that!!
So I guess that its exercise then… I had been mulling with the idea to extend my every second day 6km run to possibly 8km or even go for gold and set a target of 10km but I’m not one to overuse other people’s oxygen also I start to breathe quite heavily after just 5km..ok ok 500m…
While I was rethinking the neck extensions and trying to justify the costs of lost love and permanent residency, Trenticles strolled into the kitchen with his usual bravado.
After the Rugby Tour with the Rebels u16s and being invited to join a Special Training Squad for u18 for next year, he is walking a bit taller and is a little more cocksure than usual.
We chatted about his future and all the squillions he was going to make, I talked about how I was going to invest his hard earned cash into my retirement fund account  etc.
We chatted about how he will need to bulk up for u18’s and what what. Somehow, and I think it may have been the beer, he said that he needs a gym partner and I agreed.
Fok…. I’m 26 years his senior I have not set foot in a gym for waaaaayyy longer than that… I mean He plays rugby for the rebels and I play mostly with my balls.
All I can say is we went to gym and on day one we gym’d HARD I was lifting weights like an old pro wrestler in denial. After all I can’t let some 16 year old lightie beat me!!
My heart rate was beyond the safety limit but I pushed on, harder that what I probably should have. MAN I looked good.. That was yesterday…..
Today however. The lactic acid that build up in my body is trying desperately to release itself, the layer of FAT is keeping it hostage and it’s not happy.
Any movement, even blinking is so incredibly sore that I want to vomit. I’m sitting at my desk in the office, my cup of coffee is in front of me and it hurts to much to lift it to my mouth. Sobbing is out of the question….
I can’t go on. Even typing is an effort…. All this pain to be able walk down stairs without a double chin!!!
If some of this doesn’t make sense, it’s because I’m taking voltaren like smarties.
Hopefully next time I write to you my body shape will not be ballish and more moreish…. < see what I did there    :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on April 21, 2020, 09:38:31 am
classic!

you don't hail from Benoni do you? you sound like the twin brother of my mate that "grew up" there....
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 21, 2020, 01:39:39 pm
classic!

you don't hail from Benoni do you? you sound like the twin brother of my mate that "grew up" there....
Yep spent a good few years in Benoni. Or as I like to say Ben-on-the-a-why. Sounds better that way.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on April 21, 2020, 03:33:03 pm
ah! that explains lot!  he's also quite partial to the occassional leeuloop, and doesnt require any motivation to drop.his kit at a moments notice.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 22, 2020, 01:41:30 am
ah! that explains lot!  he's also quite partial to the occassional leeuloop, and doesnt require any motivation to drop.his kit at a moments notice.

 :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 23, 2020, 06:24:13 am
It’s the end of the year again, BOOM just like that, and, I almost can’t believe that this will be our 3rd Christmas on the island, which is a hard time of the year for us islanders.
We (I hope it’s not only me) miss the lekker weather, the afternoon thunderstorms, the smell of the land after the first rains, the laughter, the late nights, loud music, open spaces and the bush.
But mostly we miss the time spent with family and friends. If I had only won the lotto last week I would not be writing this, instead you would all be on a long ass flight to visit us here on the island.
Aaaaiiiii anyway. Suck it up buttercup, stop your whingeing and get on with it nobody wants to slog through all this drama.
 
In what felt like an epic battle of thoughts, speed typing, dyslexia and a need to share, this ended up becoming a relatively long mail.
If you have a short span of attention, don’t read it all in one go, in fact you probably shouldn’t read this at all, but if you insist, I encourage you to save pieces and read it in small sections.
But not too small or it won’t make any more sense than usual.   ;)

Petrol prices have been a talking point for many years and paying for it is like paying for insurance, or buying a valentines card, you don’t want to, you don’t see the point but miss it just once….and boom your car is gone and you need to wait for another “special” occasion to get laid again. (well that’s what I’m told anyway.)
For the last 2 years on the island I have seen the petrol price increase from a $1 a litre to peak at $1.70 that’s a 70c increase in 2 years.
When you convert that to Ronds and cents that’s R7 more a litre….. When filling a car like the Honda which has a 35 litre tank it now costs $60 to fill. Where it used to cost just $35 that’s $25 more……
Why is this maths important.  ???
Well let’s break this down into beers.
A case of beers costs $50, at the old prices of fuel I could afford to buy a case of beers for every two tanks that I drove.
At the new prices I can’t afford to buy beer.
So a boer maak ‘n plan, or, an islander puts a message in a bottle, cuddles a swamp wobblily, cracks open a stubby, complains to the government about political correctness and goes on stress leave.

According to wonder woman I can hold a swamp wobblily and complain if I want to but under no circumstances am I allowed to go on stress leave.  :o
So it’s back to ‘n boer maak ‘n plan. I dug through my virtual box of treasures and found my vellies, a two-tone shirt and a rugby pant.
Once I’d donned those I just needed to “gooi” into the mix a lekker piece of billies and a stukkie droe wors and I was already feeling better.
With the boer part sorted all I needed was a plan. And the way I saw it was that my options were:
buy cheaper fuel,
drink less beer,
get a car that’s lighter on fuel,
 walk to work or
work from home.
After prioritizing and revising my list I got it down to this: Buy cheaper fuel.
Luckily, we can shop around for petrol and the cheapest place to buy is at Costco which is like a makro just on a bigger scale.
In fact, the coolest thing about Costco is that on the way out after passing the tills you can buy burgers, hotdogs, coffee, blinds for your house, tires for your car, a jacuzzi and a coffin.
Today for instance where the average fuel price is $1.70 Costco is selling fuel at $1.46 that’s $0.24 cheaper.
Which means that it will cost just $50 to fill the Honda. That’s a $10 saving.
 Which means that for every 5 tanks of fuel used I have saved enough for a case of beer.
For those that struggle with the maffs (you will see why later on) a $10 saving on every tank will require me to fill my car five times to save $50 which will equate to one case of beer. 
The average mileage that the Honda does in economy mode is 500km to a tank.
If I take the economy mode off and drive in first gear I recon I will get about 300km to a tank….
One other option that I just thought of, buy a car that has a large fuel tank, that way after filling up I can buy beer.  (LIIIIIIIIIIIGHT BULB)
So doing a quick reverse calculation means that to save $50 I only need a car that has a 200 l fuel tank……..
Hmmmm the only cars out there that I can think of are Landcruiser’s (AWESOME) !! I think a nice little V8 would look good in the driveway.
I think I’m going to have to enlist a full-on Afrikaner to assist with rolling out this plan, if you are large fellow and are available over the next few weeks we could pull this off.
I’m hoping that wonder woman won’t be able to hide both bodies in the garden if she doesn’t like the colour.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 23, 2020, 06:30:08 am
On to other Matters now…..
You know when you know something is wrong but you just can’t put your finger on it.
Sometimes it feels a bit like how a Jack Russel chases an elephant with zero regard for its life, or a short little twit of a man will always pick a fight with the big care free bloke in the bar.
There is always that nagging hannerring thought that wont go away. Well over the course of the last few days I had the feeling and at last I have answers.
Let me contextualize……
Living on the Island affords us the ability and freedom to loosen the purse strings we have on our offspring earlier than what we possibly would have back on the motherland.
This, combined with the relative intelligence and built in africanisims of said offspring has allowed them to quickly assess a situation and take full advantage of a system and people that are flawed, by openness, honesty, rules and trust. These apparent offspring of mine swiftly migrated from fitting into the new system to becoming shifty little ingrates, they have been flying under the radar for a while now but the system they thought was flawed came back, and, to be frank, fucked up the Jack Russel, flattened the short little shit at the bar counter as well as poked papa bear…..
Interested? Want to know more? Well then read on, settle down, grab a cuppa and light a smoke.
This shit just got real!!!!
See this is how it’s played out..
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 23, 2020, 06:47:00 am
One of them (the offspring) (no prizes for guessing correctly) gets in to trouble at school and spins a story starting with
“You know my parents are South African, they will beat me if you call them”, the teachers believe this hunka junka crap, and keep it quiet, so we hear nothing.
 
Then gradually finding out that the teachers won’t say anything and actually don’t care aswell as the student counsellors that shy away from conflict, these offspring unconsciously start taking advantage of the situation like arriving late more and more often to eventually skipping classes.
You see when you get away with it once, why not do it again, and again. (sound familiar? A little like a certain government currently in power?)
All this time the lies and deception collection pool is getting bigger and bigger, this Olympian size pool eventually cannot take any more and the water starts to leak, at first it’s a little hole, which gets bigger and bigger.
Trust me this story is not going to end like “Peter of Haarlem the dike-plugging boy that became a local hero”…
Noooooooooooooooo. This is WAAAYYYYYY different from that. However there may be a dike involved if I can squeeze it in.

One Day not too long ago on an island there were these two little boys, lets call them Trenticles and Spiderpig.
They thought they were very clever and slept late every day because there was no mommy and daddy to remind them that they needed to get to school on time.
These little cherubs were not abandoned by their mommy and daddy, it’s not a horror story, its just that mommy and daddy leave for work at 7:00 and these lazy oxygen thieves only get out of bed at 7:40 which is part of the problem…..
AAANNNYYYYYYYYWAYY back to the story.
These two little boys got very lazy and woke up later and later every day until they were too slow to catch the bus and sometimes they even missed it.
Even though these boys could ride their bicycles to school they decided that it didn’t matter if they were late.
In case you are wondering School is not far like in older times where distances were measured in miles and the path there was littered with unknown dangers and angry dogs that want to eat you.
Even little red riding hood (possibly a dike) had a wolf to deal with....
No No No….If these boys missed the bus they just waited for the next one….
Eventually when these boys got to school they have to sign in on the system and every time these boys are late they have to enter a reason. Which is what these boys did.
Nothing happened when they entered the reason for being late so they just did it again and again. Like A LOT of times…..
All this time mama and papa bear are working, mama and papa don’t like to work but they can get to work on time. Chipping at the coal face hour after miserable hour.
One day Trenticles was very, very, very late for school…and the school sent Trenticle’s dad an email…….So Trenticles dad called the school to find out what the problem was.
The helpful lady at the school pointed out to Trenticles dad that there is a web page where Trenticles dad could pull an attendance report.
This report was not a happy report. In fact this report made Trenticle’s and Max’s dad very tense, so tense in fact that this dad transformed into the bear.
Not the  “who’s been eating my porridge” papa bear ahh hell no!!
More the, "papa mother-fucking-offspring-eating bear."………
Because he wants to be a good Dad and he wants his offspring to grow up with both arms and legs.
The papa bear printed out the reports and asked them for an explanation before he eats them. He wanted to know why they were late so often?
And this is what the offspring said.

“In August the Bus Scheduled changed and we missed the bus” said one of the sons...
“Ok” Said the Dad “I can understand that you would be late on that one day, in fact I can even understand why you would be late the day after that.”
The son realized then that there that the next question was the one that he was not going to be able to explain….
“So” the dad said “Now that you knew the bus schedule had changed what’s the excuse for the other 40 times you were late?”
..
..
..
..

Silence………….crickets………..crick, fucken crick, crick…….
..
..

To encourage conversation and keep his work visa the dad waited patiently for an acceptable answer that was never materialized.
The end……
The moral of this story, is twofold.
1. As a parent you need to keep weapons away from an angry papa bear, as TV’s are expensive, take time before having these conversations and
2. Go for vasectomy as soon as medically possible. Make friends with other people that have kids, then if you ever feel like you want a set of your own just offer to look after them for like 2 hours.
Luckily every story has a funny side otherwise what’s the point is telling you this one!!. This one is the excuses that they entered into the school system.
There are lots so I have just put in my personal favourites below.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on April 23, 2020, 07:48:42 am
🤣🤣🤣 This reminds me. Has anyone yet figured out the process by which teenagers (some, not all, eg politicians) metamorphose into human beings? It's a miracle of nature that not even Sir David Attenborough can explain.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 23, 2020, 11:37:57 pm
🤣🤣🤣 This reminds me. Has anyone yet figured out the process by which teenagers (some, not all, eg politicians) metamorphose into human beings? It's a miracle of nature that not even Sir David Attenborough can explain.

Its wierd right? One day they just wake up and hey presto  "pow" there 's a human,  :biggrin:
Its like wonder woman says about becoming a mother. Out pops a squealer and boom you are a mother and know what to do.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 24, 2020, 04:33:31 am
Todays post is different..
today T'm looking for someone to solve a problem that I cant seem to fix.
In the hope of hopes maby one of youse can like to see the problem :)

I'm trying to connect w1ndchill with integrity requirements and validation through OSLC so that i can manage traces to a part.
Problem is the OSLC server uses npm which i dont know and its chucking a error. which ironically is forbidden..... I know right!!
anyhooooo
please have a look and give me your best suggestion.
If i solve it i'll be sure to let you all know.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: mox on April 24, 2020, 05:25:11 am
It looks like you are trying to get into the poopshoot '' forbidden error'  with the wrong plea 'syntax error'. Try another method.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 28, 2020, 02:32:42 am
I have still not solved the problem and have submitted it to the creators of this software....
BUT I kinda recon that if i read "between" the lines its like this.

The index that is after the router is influenced by the layer that is waiting for a cookie parser that needs a function to pass params which has had its prefix trimmed.
This how ever all stems off a CSRF which wants to csurf (pronounced see surf)
Although there is no ILM Cache the real issue is that the that body that is between the head is forbidden. because its title for some reason is error.

Its that or its what @mox  Said.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 28, 2020, 03:02:19 am
It was recently brought to my attention by more than one person that my writing skills have taken a dip in quality and my last few updates were not upto “scratch”.
Funnily enough this moment of clarity also came to me in a dream.
Not a profound dream like Martin Luther King had, that delivered him into the history books.
It was a dream that involved a very large dirty frying pan, a broken wooden spoon and a dog.
In this dream I was tasked with scraping the pan clean with the wooden spoon while the dog and I bonded largely over a one-sided conversation.
I talked, a lot, and the dog slobbered while watching the spoon. My version of a captive audience. :)
I’m dont believe that I'm a fully qualified dream interpreter, I don’t have flowers in my hair, I don’t own a dream catcher or wear a robe in the daytime and I don’t own Jesus sandals.
But hell, I know weird shit when I dream it.
My journey to my self-appointed attainment of my semi-professional qualification to dream interpretation is qualified by the fact that I do know, and like, a great deal of people like this.
These people are into their yoga, pebble collecting, and stopping to smell the roses, their oneness with the world around them and the universe helps me connect the dots between their eternally optimistic view and my strangely dystopian reality.
Using this quasi-interpretation method I came to the realization that my dream was telling me that my constant narcissistic story telling was getting old and boring and that it was time to tell stories about the other things…..
Quite a bit harder than you may think. So I thought that I could begin to tell you a little about the immediate humanoids in our household and the extended family we have created on this here Island together.
Firstly, whenever there is something new, it brings about change, change for some people is exciting and fun, for others (like me) not so much.
You get nice change like buying a new motorbike for example, that’s exciting, and you get not-so-nice change like being arrested for the first time, it’s not exciting and its definitely not fun.
By writing about these people I’m obliged inform you that it’s going to be like getting a new motorbike and then getting arrested at the first robot.
And that’s just for the people I’m going to write about. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA evil grin…...
As this is sometimes an educational letter I think that for you to better understand some of the subtleties of communication with Aussies I need to elaborate on some of the softer issues at hand.
On the island we shy away from speaking directly to anybody, its frowned upon to give direct instructions and if you use words like “will” and “must” in a sentence you are seen to be aggressive and pushy.
From observed learnings, when on a train, always talk on your mobile (cell phone) as loud as possible so that all the people on the carriage can also hear about your uncomfortable itch in your nether regions.
You should not to use “he” or “she” in a sentence, one should always try to be gender neutral as well as refraining from using sexually demeaning references like she makes a good sarmie or he is built like a donkey. 
One cannot simply describe a car as “she’s a beauty” the new turn of phrase would need to be something like, “That UTE is a cracker Mate!”
We should allow kids to determine their own gender, not sexuality, that was a 90’s problem,
I’m talking about gender. Due to this development (or lack thereof) as kids grow older and if they are still deciding what gender they are, we/Australians have built gender neutral toilets at school…
(no jokes, not even 30% drama added to that line)
In fact we are so proactive that we are now removing gender from birth certificates.  I – shit – you – not.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-04-10/birth-certificate-gender-laws-pass-in-tasmania/10989170 (https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-04-10/birth-certificate-gender-laws-pass-in-tasmania/10989170)

When visiting a shopping complex (all of which are called something but only have a Westfield sign outside), wait for a rainy day (there are a lot of them in the ‘bourne’) then pack four or five of your long haired, dirty, snot covered, carping little heathen’s, into a double pram and walk as slowly as possible in the isles, effectively, blocking it for everyone while your little shits wreak havoc around you.
Always, and I mean Always, be ready to answer the question of “So how’s your day going?” at the checkout counter. That’s a till. By the way. Becasue they are friendly like that!!!
GOD forbid that you crack a sexual or racist joke at work……But, for some reason its ok to say “Jesus Christ!“ on national radio… 
Phew lucky that we live in a first world country.
Ok so to summarize. When communicating with an aussie, remember to smile but never maintain eye contact for longer than 5 – 7 seconds, ask gender neutral questions without using the words “can”, “must” and “will”.
And never, never ,never go to a shopping mall on a rainy day. NEVER!!! EVER!!!!
So will I write about these people real or imagined?
I honestly don’t know. But hopefully one day when you read these letters it makes you smile and I can be happy that you have had a glimpse into what was my mind.

Thanks for taking part in my broken mind!!!!

As a departing  thought I'm going to put this on my new car…
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 30, 2020, 06:34:28 am
In the Beningingnigngng
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 30, 2020, 06:39:45 am
There’s possibly 20% of you that will read that comic and find it humorous, the rest will get to line 5 and give in.
That’s ok.
Don’t feel bad, just move on, rather spend the time reading some random stuff I have written down.
I realized this morning on the way to work that 2018 was overs kadovers and there I was, staring out the window at the rain, thinking about this year and all that had happened.
Obviously, I’m not about to do a recap as you already know everything in it’s awful sordid details, I was thinking however about some of the replies I got from some of you.
To the ones that replied, I absolutely loved reading the responses, thank you!!.
Some people, even the ones I live with, didn’t even acknowledge that they had received my letters, this would hurt any normal human being but the way I see it is hitting a 42% success rate is a solid “E” on your report card.
Which stands for “enough” or “exemplary” or “eish” I can never remember. BUT (see you can start a sentence with a but) it’s a pass in South Africa so I’m all good.
As humans we grow and learn in many different ways. Each human learns differently, some lessons are easy to learn.
After all, you only throw a fork into a flat screen HDTV once. :o
Trial and error makes us wiser than the generation before, not because we are better than our preceding generation but because we learned from them, and as we move forward we can push the boundaries further and further. (present company excluded)
The Darwin Awards still need to be handed out every year because at some stage some Neanderthal will wipe his ass with his hand and paint pictures on the wall.

But I digress……..

I like to take advice from other, possibly wiser people, for instance, when attempting to write I take it from writers and as the famous writer Ray Bradbury said in his book “Zen in the Art of Writing”
"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."
Yes I could have used something more profound and probably from a world famous wordsmith, but I didn’t, don’t judge me.
My other points of reference are taken from, possibly not so reliable sources, like when out drinking: I take advice from the barman, waitress, and sometimes even wonder woman.
Although Wonder woman usually sends her knowledge via text message which includes short easy to remember phrases and rhetorical questions with multiple questions marks like.
“Where are you?”
“Are you ok??”
“Do you know what time it is???”
“Your food is in the microwave.”
“Your pillow is outside!”
(please stick around for the next letter which should include a 3 page apology)

AnyHoooooo I thought I would share the one or two of the responses that I received.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 30, 2020, 06:42:30 am
The first one comes from an unfortunate family that own a RENAULT and a Landrover.
It’s not often that a family, a unit of two completely sane people, can make such a monumental fuck-up…..TWICE… 
Imagine pulling into the driveway at home and seeing a RENAULT parked miserably next to an oil stain in the driveway.
While working up the steam to let loose a harangue of abuse at the foolishness of your partners actions, you realize that the three flashing lights on the dashboard and the dirty stained Landrover badge rattling in the steering wheel between your hands has removed any credibility from your words.
Personally I would cry….
Name calling, and brand bashing is not necessary, but I feel that without a common cause people cannot be united together.
After one of my e-mails, where I may or may not have mentioned her car. This special friend replied with a heart-warming letter and ended with this quote which I loved.
“Men are seriously overrated. Much like Landrover!! If it was not for great sex, you guys would be like baby wipes. Nice to have when you had chili for dinner, but replaceable by toilet paper!”
HAHA HAHAHA So funny, also I suppose you now know who owns a RENAULT……..
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 30, 2020, 06:47:52 am
Closer to home, we have a friend that was visiting for a couple of months from the land where frogs and snails are hors d'oeuvre’s (pronounced horse-doves)
During her short stay here we offered her the use of flappy paddles which she was happy to accept.
As it so happens when one is not around to stamp ones authority on a matter, we…actually wonder woman and spiderpig, adopted her pet rat /Guinea pig.
This “pet” is basically a tube of meat, covered by hair with big eyes that could be used as bait to catch a shark or an eagle. Pretty versatile in the bait department, pretty useless for everything else…
Every now and again this friend would pop round during her allotted visiting hours and visit the pig, just for a chat and a cuddle.
Before she left to return to el’france’a  she sent me this experience with the car (flappy paddles) not the rat, that she had, that I have to share.

“Also, I wanted to return flappy pants. Thank you so much for lending him to me, it’s been awesome and so helpful. He is a crafty little bugger - always hiding away from me and playing sneaky sneaky.
Not sure if Nic told you but last week I went to get tea and as I was coming out the store to the car park I pressed the button (unlock) and the light flashed, so in I hopped.
I reclined in the seat which was super comfy and now lovely black leather and then looked at the steering wheel and see there was a big silver L.
On looking around quickly I realised ooooohhhhhhh foooooook but this is a Lexus and not Flappy Pants after all!
So out I jumped at the speed of light and laughing hard I saw that in fact it was not Flappy Pants but a lovely navy blue Lexus.
The light flashing threw me (clearly someone was heading into the store and thought they had locked their car but didn't at the exact moment I pushed my button) and of course the pole which it was parked next to was confusing (god carparks are ridiculously designed, must be a man behind the design honestly).
Anyway Flappy Pants was 4 car parks down (next to another pole) laughing quietly at me!
So I have loved our adventures but it is time to return him home because honestly he keeps playing tricks on me.
When suits you - shall I pop by after hours or anytime and leave the keys with Protector Pig?”

I’m telling you, you just can’t make this shit up…
After I got this email I went and told protector pig the story over a carrot and a beer, his bulbous eyes watered up, he rolled over and kicked his little legs with joy, oh how we laughed and laughed…. Ahhhh good times.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 30, 2020, 07:11:23 am
It would be remiss of me to not include some form of education in this letter.
Speaking statistically 30% of 80% of what I say is mumbo jumbo but 100% of the rest of the 20% makes perfect sense.
I listen to Spotify as my music app and they send me my statistics for the year. It’s not incredibly interesting until you break it down.
I listened to 6620 different songs in 2018, that amounts to 57,168 minutes of music.
Let’s have a look at that.
57,168 minutes of music is 952 hours which is 119.1 work days which is equivalent to 24 work weeks.
I can just see the “bosses” in this thread thinking about productivity, lost man hours and the gestappo boots kicking the screen into oblivion.…….
I’m sure that would have been higher if it was not for the travel that I did this year.
According to google that’s tracking every move I make.
I traveld 94,625km that 2.3 time around the world
I visited 49 cities and 4 countires!!
*Picture1*
Just pause for a second and think about this. If I’m being tracked….
Then guess what pal, that includes you…………yes you!!!! 
 
And then you can download all of this data……and here is the scary part………..
Google has collected 16 million lines of data about me.
*Picture2*
 
That’s a 381mb file of information (that’s a lot for yous non-computer types) about ME….
I have never felt so important in my LIFE!! Whhooohoooo
In-closing my thread of education and the wonder of numbers and statistics, I thought I would add in one extra little piece of information.
Using statistics (loosely) I have found a method of taking my information collected by google, the 2017 Total Asset Value (TAV) of MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground), the 2017 Total Asset Value (TAV) of SCG (Sydney Cricket Ground) and the “Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything” and have built some interesting insights.
Google has collected 16.4 million lines of data about me.
Which equates to 390 billion characters.
Incidentally MCG TAV is $ 387 Billion and SCG TAV is $ 819 Billion.
Those 3 numbers are interesting no doubt, but, a statistic (loosely) is not really worth anything if you don’t draw a graph, have a conclusion or an insight.
Therefore: “kollitjie, kollitjie, kollitjie”
819 - 387 = 432   (The difference between SGG and MCG)
432 - 390 = 42   (The difference between the result of the Answer and the ME)
THE ANSWER IS 42… Which is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything
Conclusions :
1.  That Douglas Adams was a clever guy..
2.  Mind = Blown.
3.  Using statistics you can make anything look good. 
Just Sayin!!!!!
And Finally
Any positive number can be written as a sum of three palindromes
"Never odd or even"
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on April 30, 2020, 02:01:21 pm
And being a computer guy, you of course know what 42 is in binary...
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on April 30, 2020, 11:39:33 pm
And being a computer guy, you of course know what 42 is in binary...
whaaaaaat..... and as we peel the onion we uncover the mysteries of the human mind..... 101010..... :o
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 03, 2020, 12:51:16 am
Ha ha . This man makes me laugh.

“There’s plenty of evidence that wasps are not of this earth. Unlike any other animal, with the possible exception of the owl and the Australian, they serve no purpose. They’re not in the food chain, they can’t make honey and they’re not fluffy. Nature has a habit of extinguishing its more useless experiments. The dinosaur went west when it grew too big and the dodo when it mislaid its wings”

Excerpt from
And Another Thing
Clarkson, Jeremy


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 04, 2020, 06:57:04 am
Todays post is different..
today T'm looking for someone to solve a problem that I cant seem to fix.
In the hope of hopes maby one of youse can like to see the problem :)

I'm trying to connect w1ndchill with integrity requirements and validation through OSLC so that i can manage traces to a part.
Problem is the OSLC server uses npm which i dont know and its chucking a error. which ironically is forbidden..... I know right!!
anyhooooo
please have a look and give me your best suggestion.
If i solve it i'll be sure to let you all know.

OKKAY,

No need to stress people. So i solved the problem.

It seems that although I was working on what I thought was an OSLC problem it was in-fact a problem that stemmed from a different server earlier up the stream of 1's and 0's.

This is commonly known as a PICNIC problem.....
(Problem In Chair Not In Computer)

Thanks for the support, even though it was not obvious in these here pages, I knew that you spent the weekend mulling over my issues.  ;)
Onto bigger and brighter things.



Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 07, 2020, 05:58:39 am
How to change a tire.
Separating the mechanics from the IT dude

It’s only the beginning of 2019 and I already feel like I need more leave… After what was a whirlwind Christmas and New Year with, Three, yes you read that correctly, Three Ladies over the age of 40 fuelled by boatloads of bottled grapes of the red and white variety I’m feeling a touch tender.
You would not believe the amount of talking that happens at once. Men are from mars and woman are from fuck knows where. At one point I was sitting quietly in one corner of the garden trying to follow the three of them having four conversations at once.
Needless to say, I got lost, but they seemed to know exactly who was being spoken to, which conversation it was about, the timing of the nodding, laughing and they even had time to swallow the last quarter of their glass and look around for an abled body to refill their chalice of happiness before ending a topic and starting a new one…..
Me I just drank beer and cooked food. I was happy. It was hot, there was cold beer, and there was a weber with steak. (wash, rinse and repeat these 14 times to understand my vacation)
At the beginning of these 14 days, I decided that my scoot-toot needed new takkies.
I have always wanted to put on big knobblies, as in my mind, big knobs make for a better riding experience…. (man I’m a funny guy)
After the tires were delivered to the post office I called around to see if any of the bike shops would fit them for me.
Unfortunately the island is not overly populated with keen workers and if they are keen then you need to hoes pappie, most of the conversations that I had went a little like this.
“hello (place shop name here) “ or “(place shop name here)”
In my bestest friendliest non-strong-face voice, and using the African method of “double down on the please” for maximum results, I said
“Hi, I’m wondering if you can help me please, I need 2 tyres fitted to my bike please? When can you help me please?” I threw an extra please in there hoping for discount.
“Aaaaahhhh mate let me just check” (rustling of paper, obviously not looking at a booking sheet, just trying to make it sound like that) “Strewth! Ahhgh, we are full up at the moment mate first opening is 3 Jan”
“Oh! Ok and how much would that cost”
“If you bring the bike in its $60 a tire and if you only bring the wheels in is $50 a wheel”
(GASPS)
“oh! ok thanks I’ll get back to you.”
I’m no mathematician but I can add $60 and $60 and the result is hard to swallow, let me explain.

One time not too long ago, on a hot summer’s night, I was locked in an epic battle of darts. The name of the game was killer. We were in the closing stages said game.
My opponent, not to be named and shamed, let’s call him Ry Chan, who is a large slab of meat that drives a lady car and can, amazingly, burp like a hippo having sex, had the physical advantage over me.
He has hands the size of baseball mittens attached to arms that are so long they can deliver a proes straat pretoria klap to the driver of a mini bus from the back seat.
He is no athlete, but his sense of balance has been perfected since birth as he has had to balance on 2m long semi-articulating pins that end on size 13 fire stompers. 
My only advantage was that I had read more books than him, I know what “right click on your desktop” means and, when holding a dart in my hand, it looks normal.
There we were lined up:
toe to big foot.
Eye to Tit.
t was to be my greatest achievement (of that night, obviously I have had a lot more than just that one win).
The crowd hushed, the music was playing “I’m a looser baby” I was in the zone. After two dexterous flicks of the wrist a schhwaff  through the air a thud on the board and the game was over.
I had thrown two trip twenty’s… That’s sixty and sixty which makes one-hundred-and-twenty…. It was all I needed, I was victorious.
In my mind I looked like Rocky shouting AADDRRRRIIAAANNNNNEE!!!! In reality I recon I looked like I had stepped on a hot coal barefoot and was trying to catch the ceiling fan blades at the same time.
I turned elated, to bask in the glow of my victory!!! Unfortunately my “humbled” opponent and the supporting crowds were not applauding the sight before them, no, no, no, no, I was standing alone in the circle of light as they were already at the bar pouring potency…..
aannnyyyyhooooo that’s how I know 60 and 60 make 120 and that’s why that number is hard to swallow as it reminds me of potency.

Moving along swiftly, as one does, I  thought that $120 to change tires seemed a little steep.
When I say steep I’m not talking about the gentle slope of the Kingsmead cricket ground where the turf slopes gently to the duck pond end.
I talking about spitting off the bridge at Gouritz river and seeing if you can watch that spit ball all the way to the bottom. 
Armed with these facts and a sense of bravado from my recent win at darts.
I decided I would do it myself, after all how hard can it be. I know how to do this stuff….. I have fixed 100’s of punctures on my old BMX. All I needed was some tire irons and a bit of effort. Easy I said. HA!
(TBC)
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 07, 2020, 06:11:24 am
Day 1…
Deep breath, it’s a wonderful day to be alive. The sun is out, there is sea cool breeze, even the psychotic magpies are looking friendly.
I went off to the local auto repair shop with Trenticles and bought two tire irons for a “measly” sum $16 each, not bad,
I just saved myself some Mula and that means more money for beer.
Once I was home I opened the toolkit provided by Yamaha and tried to take off the back wheel.
Hmmmm it seems that when they packed my tool kit they forgot to put in the spanner that fits the bolt for the rear axle.
Being the thinker that I am, I checked to see if there was a tool for the font axle and to my surprise there was not one of those either…..
Ok, I thought, well if I’m in the bundu I will need those anyway so it’s a good thing I discovered it now. And I’m off to the shop again..
Two axle spanners and $50 later I’m still in the green. After downloading the Manual and YouTube’ing what I needed to do I was into it like a fat kid protecting drinking custard in the cupboard.
Within 10 minutes the rear wheel was off and I was letting the air out of the tube.
That’s when I realized that a valve tool would actually make life A LOT easier. So I added that to my list of things to get next time I was at the parts shop….
With as much of the air out of the tube that I could get out, I could now use the tire levers to pry the tire off.
According to YouTube I just needed to slide the magaffter between the rim and the tire and leaver it over the edge and keep doing that until the tire was off. (Simples)
Twenty five minutes later with skin missing off three knuckles, a blue nail and sweating profusely I had managed to get the tire off the rim.
A further twenty five minutes later more skin missing off the same 3 knuckles, bruised fingers and looking like I had been for a swim the new tyre was fitted to rim.
I stood back and admired my handy work. Bear Grylls se gat, I’ve got skills, I’m a survivor!!.
All I needed to do now was put sky into the rounds and do the front wheel.
URGH…guess what, no pump to make the sky move into the tire.  Even though the blood and sweat is flowing freely from my body, I still chipper!!!
I’m having thoughts about dirt roads, tents and campfires, hell I’m even considering entering the Dakar.
I load the wheel into Wonder Womans battery powered Lexus and pop down to the servo to pump up the tire. 
There I am putting air in, and putting air in ,and putting air in, when I realize that there is a problem. This was like putting pipe after a big night of dopping, its getting hard but there is no end… 
Somehow, I have pinched the tube… URGH… my visions of the Dakar are fading as quickly as my energy levels.
I get home and remove the tire and tube (I’m quick now only 10 minutes to remove the tyre) and sure as nuts there’s the hole, I search for the puncture repair kit to discover that the glue is dry and the patches are so old that the plastic has turned yellow.. fark…..
I’m starting to think that a bike with tubeless tires is a good idea.  I’m off to the shop AGAIN to get a patch kit, and a pump, $30 later and I’m repairing effing pinches (yes more than one) in this effing idiotic rear tire.
My bruised and bleeding fingers are so sore I can hardly open a beer and trying to use a lighter to have a smoke is like running my thumb down a cheese grater….
I have to admit to myself that this is not that much fun anymore. I decide that tomorrow is a new day and I will complete the job then.....
TBC
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 07, 2020, 06:22:59 am
Day 2…
It’s a nice day, the sun is out, the birds are making a noise, everyone excited about Christmas day approaching, I can just feel the energy around me.
I get dressed in my best mechanics clothes (shorts and an old t-shirt) and do what any competent mechanic would do, I made a cup of coffee and went and stared at the job ahead of me for at least 30 minutes before I started.
With the tyre back on the rim. Put air into the tube, bounce it about a bit to see if it’s really working and smile. So far so good. The Dakar is starting to look like an option again.
With the back end all sorted out I’m in a better mood and the ladies have decided to join me in the garden.
While they lounge about on the Pallet wood couches I made and drink wine, I’m ferreting away on my trusty steed. Their comments at this point are still light hearted and I’m taking it on the chin as I know what I’m doing.
There are questions like
“Will you take me for a ride this holiday?”,
“Can we go camping with you?”,
“How long does this normally take?”,
“Are you sure that’s loosening it?”
The last question was fired off probably 10 minutes after I had been trying to loosen the front axle. 
Sweat was building up, the Dakar was fading away again. Eventually after another YouTube session and lots of banter the front wheel is off.
10 minutes later the tyre is swapped and I’m looking good, feeling great. Hell the Dakar is back on!!!!
The peanut gallery seems to have taken a smoke break and even possibly even offering words of support and even an Ice-cold beer.
My inner voice is rattling off motivational sayings like
“True guts and determination is what separates the men from the boys.”,
“You only fail because you have not tried enough times” , “
You are truly amazing” and
“ Don’t make the same mistake as last time”.
I connect the newly purchased pump and while I’m putting air in the rim I have a well-deserved beer.
Unfortunately like a sharks supporter I was pre-emptive with my celebrations and had to put the cork back in the bottle. The now all too familiar sound of escaping air was filling my ears. I had pinched the tube…..A-fucking-GAIN..
My dreams of the Dakar are now officially shattered, I’m at the point of giving up on motorcycles completely.
I might aswell buy a Landrover and just watch it fall to pieces in my driveway. On the bright side I can change a tyre pretty quickly.
So after a 3 beer break I try again. And eventually after pinching the tube twice more the sky remains in the rounds. I have new takkies for the bike and there is air in them…….
TBC
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 07, 2020, 06:29:26 am
Day3…..
This was to be a glorious day, the forecast is set for 33 degrees, a perfect day for a bike trip out to the mountains.
I have packed the bike, secured the bags, music is playing in my ears, I’m kitted up for a one nighter…
I’m certainly not concerned about the heat as at the end of the ride there is a pub with ICE ICE COLD BEER.
Braap Braaaaapp Braaaaaaapppppppp, down the road.
YES freedom at last!!!
My dreams of the Dakar are back and in force. I apologise to my bike of even thinking of giving up motorsport.
I’m 10km down the road am I’m thinking, just for safety’s sake I need to check the pressures. So I pull into the garage, put in fuel, and monitor the tire pressure, hmmm it’s a bit low, but my $20 pump is not exactly perfect so I’m just a little concerned..
I decide that I should return home get the pump as it will be more useful to me if I actually have it with me.
It’s at this point in the story where you are going to say bullshit I don’t believe you. And that’s ok because as I’m writing this I don’t believe it either, but, it’s the truth, 100% raw truth, no added drama.
Approximately 1km from home, the font end goes all mushy and I have to stop riding, my front wheel is completely flat……
Desperation, frustration, sadness, and generally just plain shitty was how I was feeling at that point.
The music that had continued playing in my earphones had gone from super awesome, to super shit.
The great riding weather of 33 degrees was now a coronal mass ejection (google it), that luminescent ball of fire was bringing hells fury into my helmet, and twat suit that I was adorned in.
I had no choice, I had to push that 220 kg monstrosity home… Twenty minutes of pushing this beast up the hill and eventually into the driveway I looked like I had just endured 3 hours of waterboarding from CIA’s best interrogators.
I was ready to admit that
•   The Dakar is never going to happen.
•   Bear Grylls can keep his never say die attitude and go and eat a fucken worm.
•   If one of those magpies divebomb me again it’s gonna be dinner.
I was done. If I had had the energy I would have used my lighter to light more than just a smoko.
TBC
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 07, 2020, 06:37:11 am
Day 4……The sun is out again, the birds are back to being angry.
I’m stiff, my hands and fingers have swollen so much that I’m struggling to wipe my ass properly, my sunburn has turned a lighter shade of tomato and my hair has knotted into some kind of grey brown dreadlock (yes only one).
Waiting quietly for me outside was my new nemesis, it felt like I was in Standard 8 again, some over grown red gorilla with knuckles scraping on the floor was waiting to pounce on me and put me to shame while my so called “friends” would, understandably, for fear of their own lives, casually walk past like nothing was happening.
At least with the red gorilla I could hear him breathing through his mouth and avoid him.
If it was a Landrover I would be able to hear the oil dripping but Noooooo my adversary was like a JEDI Knight, the force was strong with this one.
I could do little to resist its pull.
Before I knew it I was standing looking at this mind bending two wheeled steed.
There must have been an epic battle that night between the tires and the atmosphere. It would seem that the atmosphere that was being kept prisoner in both tires had escaped.
As I stood there time slowed down, it became silent, and I knew that I had lost the war, it was time to admit defeat and hand it over to the pros…
I won’t go into the details about how I found a professional to purge the demigods that kept biting holes in my tubes but what I will tell you is this.
At 9:15 on Day 4 I found a shop, purchased 2 new tubes, another puncture repair kit and paid for the tubes to be fitted by anybody but me, for princely sum of $70. By 13:00 I was home.

This was not to be an average tire change.
Over the duration of four days of sweating and cursing, emotional turmoil, skin missing on 40% of my fingers, swollen hands and over $150 spent. Finally, I can ride my bike.
I can go camping and explore the outback… (only to discover my favoured spot (read “only spot”) was burned down in a massive bush fire but that’s another story)
I like to think of this experience as a journey, where a man struggles to find inner peace with a mechanical daemon.
It’s about how against all elements, imagined and real, when one is really struggling, there is someone out there that’s probably better than you, and for a price, will fix it for you.
Don’t get me wrong and read this like I failed horribly. OH HELL NO!!
I’m just good at other things, and on this particular personal journey of discovery I have realized that changing tires for me presents the same challenge as a person in a wheelchair competing in a steeplechase race and believing that they can win.

FIN-
Thanks for reading :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on May 07, 2020, 09:47:56 am
"chalice of happiness".....heh! Good description!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on May 07, 2020, 09:50:25 am
those prices that you mention are crazy!!!!

Just a hint for next time that you might try........once you have the tube inside the tyre, pump a little air into it before you try to put the tyre bead back onto the rim. It makes sure that the tube is up inside the tyre, and not flopping about waiting to be pinched by an iron or bead....

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 08, 2020, 04:09:10 am
Yep, Even though it would seem that after 3 days of trying. I did actually try that.
And yes even then I pinched the tube.

Essentially if I get a flat I'm walking.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on May 08, 2020, 05:21:34 pm
those prices that you mention are crazy!!!!

Just a hint for next time that you might try........once you have the tube inside the tyre, pump a little air into it before you try to put the tyre bead back onto the rim. It makes sure that the tube is up inside the tyre, and not flopping about waiting to be pinched by an iron or bead....
Best advice I ever got from an old biker, saved me lots of time, money and swear words. :deal: :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 11, 2020, 04:59:44 am
Look I don't know if its true or not.
I'm also sure that at some stage I will have to test it out.
But after 3 days of struggle I bought new tubes the thick ones and got someone that knows what they are doing to fix it.
Since then I have been lucky enough to not have a puncture (touch wood) 
If it does happen I recon I will just lay the bike on its side in the tall grass. Dig a hole with the tyre lever and bury my kit. Once that's done I will delete all my photos of bike related memories and buy a landrover.
That or struggle again and see what happen.  :biggrin: ;)
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sardine on May 11, 2020, 08:27:12 pm
“ into some kind of grey brown dreadlock (yes only one). ”

🤣🤣🤣

Thank you for sharing.

@Ri, I am taking notes!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 12, 2020, 12:34:12 am
Spotted this gogo this morning.
Are there any budding entomologist's out there that can enlighten me as to what it is?
If I was to guess I would call it a "DiaaDingSteekJouFuckedUp"
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on May 12, 2020, 09:53:41 am
Looks like the Aussie boet of our Koringkriek. ;) :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on May 13, 2020, 03:06:44 pm
“ into some kind of grey brown dreadlock (yes only one). ”

🤣🤣🤣

Thank you for sharing.

@Ri, I am taking notes!

 :laughing4:

@BOZO, you have a unique and hilarious style. I'm also taking notes :deal:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 13, 2020, 11:26:53 pm
Found this comic today while browsing facebooooooook
It a comic was to depict what if your dogs were middle aged men.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200513/6130842636af9fd64504969f581665ff.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200513/4e1022d53ba3490ee938c098face54e1.jpg)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 13, 2020, 11:34:44 pm
 https://theoatmeal.com/comics/dogs_as_men (https://theoatmeal.com/comics/dogs_as_men)



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 14, 2020, 01:19:56 am
Looks like the Aussie boet of our Koringkriek. ;) :deal:
Could be I was wondering if it was an immature version of something more sinister..... :o
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Mr Zog on May 14, 2020, 03:15:00 am
https://theoatmeal.com/comics/dogs_as_men (https://theoatmeal.com/comics/dogs_as_men)



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

fucking brilliant  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Wooly Bugger on May 14, 2020, 10:14:39 am
Great thread!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on May 14, 2020, 05:22:34 pm
https://theoatmeal.com/comics/dogs_as_men (https://theoatmeal.com/comics/dogs_as_men)



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

One of my all time favourite cartoonists. There is a hardcopy book of this comic.

Also of this one https://theoatmeal.com/misc/frame/cat_kill (https://theoatmeal.com/misc/frame/cat_kill) which spawned some hilarious photo's - just Google the title and check "images"
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 17, 2020, 02:08:44 am
Last week we got some big news. That news, however, is at the end of this story. The important bit is that there is actual news, not just random crap from the git on the island.
I had to fly to Sydney for work, this is not the news, this is context, so you will know why I was at the airport and why I was in Sydney.
Not everyone is a fan of airports, aeroplanes and pilots. I’m generalizing I know, I have met like one pilot that I like, and I like to spend as little time as possible in both (airports and aeroplanes not pilots, never spent any time in a pilot (lol)).
ANNNYYYYHOOOOOO It’s Sunday afternoon, I have bordered the plane and I’m making my way down the aisle to my seat.
I look up and see that the flight attendant is talking in hushed tones to another lady passenger. The attendant hands the lady a pillow and a blanket (its 28 degrees outside) and they carry on with their secret conversation…
My, oh-my-god-here-comes-kak-o-meter, jumps into the red zone and I eye them suspiciously as I squeeze past into my seat with a silent prayer that she is not sitting next to me.
Every time an attendant is around this woman pulls a face like a 5 year old trying to get out of school.
AAANNDDDDD Guess what!!
AAAarrrgggghhhhh Shitsticks just my luck she is sitting next to me.
I slip on my comfortable don’t even talk to me face and start to telepathically message the pilot to get this long metal gas guzzling tube of metal off the ground.
Eventually everyone is on the plane, we are waiting to close the doors, do a crotch check and taxi out onto the runway. All the while the flight attendants are back and forth with this woman whispering and fluffing pillows.
Luckily for you, I was sitting next to her so I can tell you what the conversations were about. She claimed to be feeling sick as soon as she got on the flight, apparently, she doesn’t fly very often and she was feeling claustrophobic.
The flight attendants and I seem to have the same bullshit-o-meter, they just smiled sadly, nodded at the right intervals, even put a comforting hand on her and said that they were doing all they could.
Their eyes however were telling a completely different story. When they looked across at me I could see them thinking, “sorry for you buddy you are stuck with this one for the full flight”.
By the third visit when they glanced at me all they saw was the whites of my eyes as I loudly sighed and rolled my eyes back as far as they could go.
They unfortunately have to follow procedure and notify somebody, that somebody says don’t close the doors let’s play the wait and see game.
This woman was pushing for an upgrade to business class. (OBVOUSLY) and they were not going to oblige. So we waited. The entire plane of 280 people waited for 15 minutes to see if this woman is going to have a claustrophobic attack. Eventually it looks like her bluff had been called and she’d get to sit next to me for the next ninety minutes.  Lucky me…..
Every time I visit Sydney I’m more convinced that it’s a shithole. And every time it does not disappoint.
I arrive at my hotel via taxi to find out that I have a reservation, just not that night……. Its for a month later urgh. Luckily they have a room available for Sunday night but not for the next two nights.
That’s ok, I book in for the night, at an astronomical price. I’m not that concerned besides I will find a different place the next day and it’s pretty late and I’m hungry enough to eat the maggots out of a dead dog’s arse.
I ask the receptionist what’s the choices for dinner. We started on a burger and chips, which was cancelled due to the late hour and the kitchen being closed, and then onto a burrito and salad which was, guess what, cancelled due to reasons previously mentioned. Eventually I tried a different approach, asked what was open, and ended up with an over priced Pizza which gave me heartburn.
So much for travelling on a Sunday night to avoid the early Monday morning chaos!! This story is not quite done fellow readers. I still had two nights to stay in this festering armpit of Australia.
Not having the luxury of a caring admin team I did a quick search for places to say in the area and took the first one I could find.
Lets cut the long story short. This hotel is placed on a main road, walls as thin as toilet paper, communal toilet and shower, noisy aircon and oh it’s not serviced. The great part about this is that you get to sleep very little and you get to spend that time thinking about stuff. Which leads me to here.
I’m sitting in a corner café on a busy street, the working folk are wondering in and ordering the chefs special and a flat white, my view of the traffic is blocked by the silhouette of a lady doing the cross word in the window and my mind is transported to a movie scene. It’s a bit surreal, the movie scene is from Natural Born Killers when Mickey and Mallory lose their shit and kill everyone except for one person. 
With the moment gone I’m ripped back to reality and I start to wonder about the dinner I had last night. It was a Chicken Parma.
There are few things on the island that are memorable. Especially when it comes to food. I am so bored of my own cooking and you can only have so many coles pizzas before food becomes boring.
While I was eating this Chicken Parma yesterday I wondered how I would describe it. I suppose there is the literal cookbook description that would bore you into momentary depression.
And then there is the “take a picture with your mind and feast on that” description.
Unfortunately for you I don’t know how to do either, so I’ll just tell you from my point of view. When you cut into this heavenly piece of white meat and place it onto your tongue you are not just getting a taste of Australia.
To me the aussie parma represents the quintessential essence of the land though its construction and flavour. It’s a feast for the eyes, it’s a big ass chicken breast that has been lovingly left in boiling oil, the 30 chickens and potatoes that have been there before really add to the flavour.
The size never disappoints as the edges of this crispy flattened chook hang over either side of the plate, the melted cheese keeps the bacon bits from rolling off on its way to your now watering masticating vestibule, heaven on a fork.
If you ever visit the island you have to have one of these, it doesn’t matter where you go on the island they have them and I’m yet to have one that doesn’t make me happy.
This may seem like a long explanation so If you need a shorter one try this, think of a Pizza with toppings of your choice. Then replace the pizza base (the bread) with a chicken Schnitzel, add chips and a side salad and there you have it.

Ok so time for the big news. After 1022 days we have finally been awarded Permanent Residency on the island. WHOOP WHOOP.
We made it. We have been through so much, learned so much as a family and as individuals. Who would have thought that in 1000 days we would be here? Having PR means more than just the piece of paper its printed on. It’s a future for my boys, it’s the ability to be able to settle and to now start to think of this island as home. The more we think like that the easier it is to accept it and embrace it. 
Don’t confuse this with owning a Renault.
If you have had one of these for a 1000+ days, it doesn’t matter how you think about it and how you embrace it, it never gets easier.
And your “friends” are tired of the stains you leave in the driveway.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on May 17, 2020, 05:04:52 am
:wav: BEEEEEEG congratulations on your Permanent Residency @BOZO ! :wav:

It's not just South Africa who loves your crazy humour  :imaposer:


Please don't stop writing
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: RrP on May 17, 2020, 08:14:48 am
Shot on your PR , your journey has been an amusing one don't stop your
writing now .

Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Oubones on May 17, 2020, 09:34:45 am
Congrats and thanks for your entertaining stories.
Keep them coming. :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Herkules on May 17, 2020, 10:01:46 am
 :sip: Congrats on the PR. You really make me worry, I had to go out an do a walk-around the wife's Renault in the driveway.  :3some: :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 18, 2020, 12:14:05 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 18, 2020, 12:23:42 am
Thanks All,
It was a long ass hual getting to that point.
Once the pressure of getting PR is over the sun shines a little brighter. (in my mind anyway)

I'm thankful that you have taken the time to join me on this journey.
I will endeavor to continue to chronicle these pages with my random thoughts.
Zoy
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Fudmucker on May 18, 2020, 01:41:24 am
aparently it's better to extract air. But mine's made from sleeperwood so I was afraid of the tar smell, so  mine extracts, for 3 years works like charm.

Bozo, does your fan extract or blow in air?
Herooo Daaar.
Well this time the air is being blown in.
Why? Does it really matter?
A fan extracting air will stop flies getting IN.
That means your fan doesn't need a flyscreen and will work more effectively.
You can use a smaller fan size for similar air flow, or else increase the size of the inlet screen for better air flow.

Congrats on the PR.
I think the virus is going to change a lot of immigration plans across the globe.
Keep up the stories. 
I copy them from here to Word and paste them into columns so I can read them more easily. 
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 18, 2020, 07:10:27 am
After a few people have told me that I should publish this as a book I have been building it up.  ;)
All I need is an editor, spell checker, interpreter and probably a high ranking individual from the grammar police.
Then once that's done. I can print some hard copies and mail them off a Christmas presents.  LOL imagine!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on May 18, 2020, 08:02:09 am
After a few people have told me that I should publish this as a book I have been building it up.  ;)
All I need is an editor, spell checker, interpreter and probably a high ranking individual from the grammar police.
Then once that's done. I can print some hard copies and mail them off a Christmas presents.  LOL imagine!!!

We have all of the above right here on WDs!  :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: jacbot on May 19, 2020, 08:44:45 pm
No need for editors, spell checker, or grammar police. That detracts from your character and the whole reading experience.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on May 21, 2020, 10:21:34 am
Hey Bozo, ya filthy animal, hope all is well over Der in da Aussie land with yous and yours.

I gots to catch up on ur thread now.

Peace out.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 21, 2020, 11:50:51 pm
Hey @big oil
We be going good here on the island.
Winter arrived in smellbourne like a light swtich. One day it was luke warm the next its cold enough to freeze the balls on a brass monkey!
I see that in maaaa-se-two-tits you be getting lots of the rain!! Seems the 'mericans cant cut a break!! my thoughts - albeit twisted and broken - are with you. :'(
PS eat high fat content food during this time of much water, it helps to insulate in cold water and serves as a handy carry on flotation tube. "fat is the new thin"  :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on May 22, 2020, 04:30:05 am
Hey @big oil
We be going good here on the island.
Winter arrived in smellbourne like a light swtich. One day it was luke warm the next its cold enough to freeze the balls on a brass monkey!
I see that in maaaa-se-two-tits you be getting lots of the rain!! Seems the 'mericans cant cut a break!! my thoughts - albeit twisted and broken - are with you. :'(
PS eat high fat content food during this time of much water, it helps to insulate in cold water and serves as a handy carry on flotation tube. "fat is the new thin"  :thumleft:

freeze balls on a brass monkey  :imaposer:  we've similar colloquialisms... 'colder than a witches tit in a brass bra'

Yeah, there's a town not far north of me here in da Mitten that's under 9 feet of water.  There was a lake (Wixom Lake) that is now a beach.  :imaposer:  No joke, all the water in the lake is now gone after the dams broke.  Weirdest thing I've ever seen.  People's boats on their lifts above a mud pit.  :patch:

Glad to read yous are all well.  Stay safe bruthaman, u no dats right  O0
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on May 22, 2020, 09:50:06 am
What! No pics? Damn you BO, damn you..... :peepwall:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on May 22, 2020, 10:16:29 am
What! No pics? Damn you BO, damn you..... :peepwall:
He said the dam broke!! ;) :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on May 22, 2020, 03:47:14 pm
What! No pics? Damn you BO, damn you..... :peepwall:
He said the dam broke!! ;) :lol8:

I'll try to find ya some pics, BigEd, it's been declared a disaster areola.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Wooly Bugger on May 27, 2020, 11:54:47 am
Congrats!  :thumleft: :thumleft: :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on May 28, 2020, 06:26:20 am
Thought this may appeal to you Bozo, from an AU motoring publication:

This scheme seeks to reduce fixed and ‘backroom’ costs. In part, this is already underway in Australia, where Nissan, Mitsubishi and Renault share parts warehousing and distribution.

At this time it is not clear whether Nissan or Mitsubishi will be the top dog Down Under. It certainly will not be Renault.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 28, 2020, 06:47:41 am
What! No pics? Damn you BO, damn you..... :peepwall:
He said the dam broke!! ;) :lol8:
dammit!!! :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 28, 2020, 07:01:07 am
Thought this may appeal to you Bozo, from an AU motoring publication:

This scheme seeks to reduce fixed and ‘backroom’ costs. In part, this is already underway in Australia, where Nissan, Mitsubishi and Renault share parts warehousing and distribution.

At this time it is not clear whether Nissan or Mitsubishi will be the top dog Down Under. It certainly will not be Renault.

Ha Ha..
About a year before I left SA we had a friend that was in dire need of a car after some discussion wonder woman and i decided  we would sell her my citi golf at a massive discount.
I was looking at getting a small bakkie (ute) to transport my WR450 around and you know because they are cool. I Seriously looked at the NP200..
Just before I signed on the dotted line I had a look at the engine... low and behold what did I see. The oil cap was a RENAULT Oil cap.
I quickly put the pen back in my pocket and eventually bought one of those chevvys. What a lekker vvveeehacle. If we could buy a small bakkie here thats what I would buy again.
After further investigation and speaking to people that bought them (NP200) they all said it that it was the worst thing they could have done.
Shit shit shit....100k km and they are F$%#d

I quite like the Mitsubishi's as well as the Isuzu's. But they will have a loooooooong way to go to beat Toyota here on the island...

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 28, 2020, 07:17:45 am
This was 2019 just before Easter I think.

Near far near lookers are great once you get used to them. The problem is when you remove them you need to lean a little bit more on your remaining senses.
We (the human race) take our abilities for granted, we don’t think about how these abilities keep us alive and functioning.
For example, a superhero that has incredible strength and can therefore flippantly cross a busy street without looking in either direction. Especially if there is a RENAULT attempting to make its way down the road.
Or, how lazy a teenager lying in their room, immobile and completely deaf can make a short-lived miraculous recovery when you silently open a packet of chips or start talking about them.
In the end only the superhero knows why the chicken crossed the road and the teenager can return to a state of stupor glued to some YouTube crap without having a second thought of the world that they live in. 

With the aging process some of my senses have become lax and I have had to develop my other still functioning senses to compensate for my failing eyesight.
These senses sometimes work harder in combination with each other to make up for the broken one.
For example. Late at night when its dark and I can’t see anything I use my sense of touch to navigate my way around.
To avoid falling downstairs I make a sound like a bat using echo location techniques, a skill I learned many years ago when I was inducted into the “bushwackers”**.
Combining these two skills takes practice and sometimes when walking around in a dark room I encounter a piece of furniture, typically the corner of the coffee table, my sense of touch is consequently heightened to extreme levels, I then use the echo location noise of “FFUUUCCCKKKK” which helps me feel better.

**The “bushwakers” was a small group of pubescent school hostel hero wannabies that were unofficially lead by a ynami-ynami wearing, weight lifting, knife wielding Rambo Casanova.
In addition to Rambo we had a 12-foot-tall sun fearing bloodnut, a wire haired, three nipple’d sloth, a pot-bellied swimming brain from Zimbabwe and myself a dorky fighting fit lad weighing in at about 60kg.
We didn’t have a secret handshake or anything like that but people knew us and ignored us, well mostly me. We were ready for anything.
I like to believe that my earlier years of dedicated training as a cub scout earned me a strong albeit not-so-influential position in the wolfpack.
If that was not the case then it could have been having extra food to bribe them for their friendship. But more about them and those times in a later story.


During this last week I found myself submerged into this sensory deprivation tank. It was not really a tank per say and I wasn’t really submerged, but if you have a good imagination and have read more than a penny horrible I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this.
Every day during this particular week I have been entering this deprivation tank not knowing that it would change my life (ok it didn’t really but now I’m sure you are dying to know what happened).
I can’t wear my far near far lookers and I have to remove all of my clothes. There are two silver handles that I have learned to control for temperature and I twist them to the correct angles.
This is a time sensitive matter as the lekker temperature only lasts a short period of time. Once the handles are turned, touch, hearing, taste and smell are overpowered by tepid water rushing over my body, bringing confusion and pleasure to my senses all at the same time.
Once done in the tank I follow my normal routine of drying my largest organ (some parts are bulky, so I like to take extra care to get in between the folds if you know what I mean) I administer body spray to the hairy parts and finally comb what’s left of my hair.
During this week I felt that there was something wrong. It felt like there was thin film of oil left all over my skin…..so I had to rub extra hard to get it off.
I did not think much of it in the beginning and carried on with the rest of my busy life. By day three the film of oil had become difficult to wash off in the shower. And my hair although incredibly soft feels like it can leave an oil slick in the sea. Even my ball hairs have a softer feel to them.
I remember back in the day when we had money Wonder Woman used to buy “Dove” soap. She made me use that for almost a month before I begged her for a good old standard bar of sunlight, or if she wanted to spoil me the see through “breeze” type of soap. Once done with that real soap you were squeaky clean.
You don’t feel like you are covered in some palm oil, that was scraped off the back of a terrified sloth slowly escaping a Polynesian island in a tropical storm.

Armed with this knowledge of my past harrowing experience I double checked the soap to make sure it’s the cheap kind unashamedly stolen from the hotel that I last stayed in. All good on that front. But it didn’t solve my mystery it only created more questions.
Questions that needed answers…
This oily problem had now started to affect my life, I was struggling with simple tasks like using nail clippers that just kept slipping out of my grasp, opening a jar of mayonnaise or the biggest of all, keeping a firm grip on my beer.
There could be only one solution. Enter into the sensory deprivation tank with my far near far lookers on to see what’s happening.
So I did and you won’t believe what it was, Wonder Woman decided that she needed to change her shampoo and conditioner brand and unbeknownst to me the lid colours were swapped around.
I was using conditioner to wash my hair for the whole week. This explained the super soft ball hairs, the limp hairdoo and the oily film.
AWESOME I solved the mystery, I spent an extra 5 minutes that day in the shower removing the build-up of oily scum from my body.
One would think that this would bring this story to a conclusion but alas twas not to be.
After being nurtured for a week, with girly softness, imagined bath salts and balms it (my skin) became weak.
The result was once I had dried myself that my largest organ decided to dehydrate, shrink and crack in the folds causing pain in the areas you don’t want pain.
For two days I walked and grimaced like John Wayne!. There was only one solution, I had to retrain my body to be tough again!!!
Let this then be a warning to you real men out there. It takes time and dedication to become tough!! Having thick skin can be taken away in a week and you don’t want that.
Be a man!!! Suntan without suntan lotion, stand in the wind and drive with the window open, resist the urge to lick your lips......If I see bubble-gum flavoured lip-ice in your pocket we need to have a chat.......
I don’t want to speak out of term here but I have been known to separate frozen bread with my bare hands and I don’t want to lose that reputation!!!!
You know when one has problems as big as mine one has to wonder how one gets enough time to share this in such detail……


ANNNNNYYYYYWAAAAAAYYYYY  It’s a new week and there are new headlines to follow. For example. Today they are reporting on a bunch of vegans protesting all over the country.
They attempted to storm farms and block busy intersections. In the news footage these vegetable eating lunatics looked like the walking dead with their anaemic bodies stumbling all over the place.
One of them (yes them) tried to scale a fence but didn’t have the energy to lift himself/herself/them past the second wire. WHAHAHA
When the police arrived, they had to carry them away due to the protestors being exhausted from chanting and holding up balsa wood protest signs.
In other news. The police are looking for a man that was spotted performing a lewd sexual act on a dog in Bendigo. WTF!!! Really really!!!!
This is obviously one sick individual and there are lots of things to be said about this excuse for a human. When he was spotted (in a park I’m assuming) he ran away. 
My only conclusion is that he doesn’t drive a Landrover because if he was. Hy sal vas gesit het. Want net honde en landrovers sit vas. LOL….
Have a Great week. We are off to Tasmania soon on a bike trip so there should be some good stories coming from that.


Thanks for reading!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Karel84 on May 28, 2020, 08:19:01 am
Hahaha, awesome stuff.
The protesting vegans just kill me! Reminds me of this guy(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200528/85e73288a890f4a9c61d7183a0e5f3bc.jpg)

Sent from my SNE-LX2 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on May 28, 2020, 10:06:09 am
hmm
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: jaybiker on May 28, 2020, 10:26:48 am
 :spitcoffee: Can't beat a good laugh, or several, on a boring lockdown day!  :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on May 28, 2020, 10:27:19 am
I quite like the Mitsubishi's as well as the Isuzu's. But they will have a loooooooong way to go to beat Toyota here on the island...

Mitsubishi number three in ute sales in Aus after Toyota and Ford Ranger. Very well priced too compared to the other two.
The 2.4 double cab Triton is 10 000 dollar cheaper than the 2.8 Toyota and I do not think the Mitsu is 10 000 less a ute than the Toy.

Weird they do not have a half tonner there?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Wooly Bugger on May 28, 2020, 02:18:20 pm
hmm

 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 28, 2020, 11:53:59 pm
:spitcoffee: Can't beat a good laugh, or several, on a boring lockdown day!  :lol8:

 :thumleft: Glad you enjoyed it!!
 
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on May 29, 2020, 12:03:57 am
I quite like the Mitsubishi's as well as the Isuzu's. But they will have a loooooooong way to go to beat Toyota here on the island...

Mitsubishi number three in ute sales in Aus after Toyota and Ford Ranger. Very well priced too compared to the other two.
The 2.4 double cab Triton is 10 000 dollar cheaper than the 2.8 Toyota and I do not think the Mitsu is 10 000 less a ute than the Toy.

Weird they do not have a half tonner there?

Yep the Triton is cheap as chips here and its very popular especially among the younger Tradies. Also as a company bakkie.
Dont be fooled by the price however. The entry level is a bare bones model. if you start matching spec for spec then the prices level out.
A more competitive market is the 4x4 SUV market especially in the midrange ute based suv like the fortuner and the Isuzu mux. I spent a good few months looking at those.
Eventually settled on buying something second hand.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sardine on May 29, 2020, 06:18:55 am
 :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on May 29, 2020, 02:55:07 pm

ANNNNNYYYYYWAAAAAAYYYYY  It’s a new week and there are new headlines to follow. For example. Today they are reporting on a bunch of vegans protesting all over the country.
They attempted to storm farms and block busy intersections. In the news footage these vegetable eating lunatics looked like the walking dead with their anaemic bodies stumbling all over the place.
One of them (yes them) tried to scale a fence but didn’t have the energy to lift himself/herself/them past the second wire. WHAHAHA
When the police arrived, they had to carry them away due to the protestors being exhausted from chanting and holding up balsa wood protest signs.
In other news. The police are looking for a man that was spotted performing a lewd sexual act on a dog in Bendigo. WTF!!! Really really!!!!
This is obviously one sick individual and there are lots of things to be said about this excuse for a human. When he was spotted (in a park I’m assuming) he ran away. 
My only conclusion is that he doesn’t drive a Landrover because if he was. Hy sal vas gesit het. Want net honde en landrovers sit vas. LOL….
Have a Great week. We are off to Tasmania soon on a bike trip so there should be some good stories coming from that.


Thanks for reading!!!

 :imaposer:  We don't have to stop for them anymore, we can lawfully hit them if they're trying to impede traffic  :imaposer:

Look over at your buddy and say, "hey Joey, I think he's gonna try to stop us"......... Joey, "I want to see that fucker legless.........THUD"  :imaposer:

Fuckem, anyone stupid enough to try and block traffic, deserves to be legless.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Fudmucker on May 29, 2020, 04:40:17 pm
After a few people have told me that I should publish this as a book I have been building it up.  ;)
All I need is an editor, spell checker, interpreter and probably a high ranking individual from the grammar police.
Then once that's done. I can print some hard copies and mail them off a Christmas presents.  LOL imagine!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on May 29, 2020, 05:47:09 pm
...
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on May 29, 2020, 05:50:53 pm
 We are off to Tasmania soon on a bike trip so there should be some good stories coming from that.

Hope you hook up with DeeCeeBee when there? :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: DeeCeeBee on May 29, 2020, 11:22:01 pm
Please look me up for sure.

I’d be more than happy to show you round a few good routes.

Darryn

0427 879 785
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 01, 2020, 12:57:26 am
Please look me up for sure.

I’d be more than happy to show you round a few good routes.

Darryn

0427 879 785

AHHHHH Mate, This letter was written last year just before Easter.
Trust Me the next time in Tazzie I will be sure to give you a call.
 :thumleft:

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 01, 2020, 01:09:56 am
@Fudmucker and @roxenz thanks for the word doc.
I already have a Doc with all of my letters once I have shared them all I will share the full "book"
Cheers.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Fudmucker on June 01, 2020, 04:59:10 am
 :thumleft:
There are friends here who would gladly help you sub-edit as you hinted.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on June 01, 2020, 06:36:35 am
@Fudmucker and @roxenz thanks for the word doc.
I already have a Doc with all of my letters once I have shared them all I will share the full "book"
Cheers.
No worries mate. I was just bored and decided to muck around with Fuddy (by being over-pedantic myself). My personal view is that over-editing your loony musings would somehow sterilise it. It kinda has to sound as if you wrote it spur of the moment while taking a break with a tinny and a ciggie...
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 02, 2020, 07:44:36 am
This one is out of order but i thought you would enjoy it.. (written today) 2 June 2020


Covid Lockdown Diary day x?

It’s a cold winter morning as the sun creeps above the horizon on yet another day of covid lockdown. The human race prepares itself for an uncertain future. Facebook is awash with happy thoughts, meme’s of people being kind to each other, posts of people are running marathons around their houses, others are perfecting their home brew. Some have even resorted to pleading with their politicians to allow them to have a cigarette again. On the island, I’m seated in my office chair sipping a coffee, having chosen my Spotify play list for the day, I have taken a smoko out of the box and about to light it, when in that moment, I’m inspired by the way that mother nature has started healing the earth. (dramatic pause) (the pause can be as long as you like) (the longer the pause the more dramatic)
If you think that this is going to be a tree hugging, vegan supporting, greenie mail you can skip to the end and read this backwards. That way it will end with a sunset and me changing my mind about having a smoko and putting it back in the box. (short dramatic pause while the people that have printed this out skip to the end)
Ok ok, I’m ready now.
I had started writing a dairy for future reference but after twenty-five days of the same thing on repeat I changed my mind.
BUT, and you would know that a good story has to have a butt, I do have an interesting story to tell.
Will there be drama and action?
Will there be humour and tears?
Yes there will, and, most importantly it’s all 100% true even if it is exaggerated a little.

Lockdown dairy Day: fuckit….
Wonder Woman decided that we needed to use this time to do a health check. She studiously booked appointments at the skin cancer clinic, dentist and in addition just for me the optometrist.
Lucky for me they weren’t all on the same day. Unluckily for me everyone I went to had bad news for me.
The first encounter was the eye guy, let’s call him my-knee-only-so-hi, sat me down and asked me to do a series of multiple choice questions. He has this fancy smanchy no touch eye machine that swaps lenses automatically while he types way on his laptop. He kept showing me blurry letters and saying better or worse, I kept saying worse, worse, worse. After what felt like an age he checked my near-far-near lookers, shook his head and muttered under his breath. I told him that I’m tired of the near-far-near lookers and would rather have near lookers and far lookers and if possible, could he laser my eyeballs to make me see pretty again.
With a sad face, or he normally looks like that I’m not sure, he handed me a slip for new lookers and said I gotta go see a another eye guy about lasers for my eyeballs .
Due to covid I have had to do this in isolation which means that wonder woman was not there to help me to the door, or choose frames. Which was the next natural step in the process.
A friendly lady took me to the rack of frames and with a flourish of her arms told me to choose a pair. Which is easy ne’? Well yes, BUT think about this quickly. I’m wearing my near-far-near lookers, I choose a frame that I think will make look handsome yet rugged and distinguished at the same time. I then take off my near-far-near lookers put on the frame and then look in the mirror. Guess what I can see. Fack all. Nada, nothing, just a fussy grey blob. Hmm that’s not right I think, so I take off the frame and put on the near-far-near lookers to double check…… hmmmm no problem I think to myself, I’ll just try a different frame. Interestingly enough exactly the same result. Just an out of focus grey blob. Frustrated, after the fifth pair and no change in results, I turned to the assistant and said I’ll come back with Wonder Woman to help me chose the new far lookers and near lookers. Appointment one done!
Next Appointment was the skin guy……
We clock in on time, wonder woman being wonder woman fills in the forms. I hate filling in forms. In fact I hate it so much that a couple of years ago when I fell off a ladder and broke my heel, through the haze of pain I drove to the hospital and the lady handed me a clipboard and asked me to complete this useless piece of paper. Ten minutes later, tired of trying to find next of kin information, and medical aid numbers I hobbled back to the desk gave her the clipboard back with a half filled in form full of mistakes and scribbled out kak. I said to her,
“I would rather live with a broken heel than fill out this Godforsaken thing.”
Not even waiting for a reply I hobbled back to my car and let my heel heal on its own. If you are ever unfortunate enough to need me to complete a form for you…. Well, buddy, you are screwed, just saying!
AAAANNNNYYYYYYWAAAY….  Back to the skin guy. I’m directed into a room with a very very very chatty nurse, she asks me to disrobe and I’m thankful for once that am wearing a good pair of undies where my chillobe doesn’t pop out the front to see what’s happening. The “doctor” walks in and starts inspecting my biggest organ, my outerbag (skin). He comments on the fact having more than 100 freckles puts me in the high risk area for bla bla bla something, something doesn’t matter I had stopped listening. I did mention to him that he is going to have a field day when he starts on Wonder Woman, as if there was a competition between her and a Cheetah she would win. My comedic sense of humour was lost on him and he just kept checking my outerbag. Then, at one point he stops and say’s
“uh, you have a cancer bla bla bla something on your neck and arm” and  “I will need to cut them out.” 
The nurse had still not stopped lecturing me about applying sun cream and has now moved onto the benefits of applying it at night. I’m nodding at her like a dog watching a bouncing ball but I’m actually wondering if I have paid my life insurance. She hands me a slip and tells me she will see me soon for my procedure.
Fuck now I’m feeling old. I’ve been to two “doctors“ both have muttered under their breath, scrawled stuff on pieces of paper and told me to either see someone else or come back to face the knife!!
The following day I was off to the third appointment to get my chompers checked.
Upon arrival the receptionist welcomed us to the halls of oral torment with a sorrowful smile. She hands us a clipboard and asks us to complete, wait for it!!!! Forms… URRRHHH
Unfortunately for me Wonder Woman has already sent me in with a warning, that I will be given a form to complete and I’d better do it. Under duress and only 20 to 25 mistakes the form is completed handed back and we wait.
All this time I kept thinking that I recognized the receptionist but couldn’t quite place a finger on it. Eventually like a lightbulb turning on in the middle of load shedding, it came to me, I was laying on my back staring at the celling, mouth open, drool collecting in the back of my throat, answering questions like a panicked fat kid hiding a hamburger while being grilled by the police in covid lockdown.
I said “Hey!! I remember how I know the receptionist” lucky for me all they heard was “Uhnninggnhh!!! ggcchhh uuhhhhuuu  aannngghggghghggghhh uugghhhhggaaahh.”
It turns out I don’t know her are all, she just looked like the old version of April from teenage mutant ninja turtles!
To be honest the years have not been kind to her, she used to be the hot tenacious reporter that wielded a video camera bigger than your average bazooka, all while sporting a tight yellow overall that, incredibly, never got dirty, unlike my thoughts…. Her gig as a cartoon reporter obviously didn’t work out for her. To be fair at least she had her five minutes of fame unlike my gig as a real-life millionaire. Oh well. Our eyes met and just before I could ask her how she ended up as Dental assistant the woman with her tools in my mouth said. “I see you have a small cavity, we will need to fix that up”…… No frikken way another doctor another problem!! 3 for 3.
Lookers  = Screwed.
OuterBag = Screwed..
Chompers = Screwed…
All I can say is thank goodness Wonder Woman didn’t send me to the dude that checks your prostate!!!!!!
AHHH Well at least I still have my health… for now anyway.
When I turn 50 I will get a poo bag from the government where I have to defecate into it and sent it back. They say it’s to check for colon cancer but I recon it so they can check if they have screwed me over enough!!!
AANNNYYYHOOOOO
For one that never goes to a doctor for fear of a form, I thought I did quite well and was almost proud that I had crested the hill of appointments and doctors notes. The view from the top of the hill was good but in the next few up coming days it was time to face the music, I needed to go back to these separate white cloaked, educated humans and let them fix this ailing and broken frame that holds the mind of a Genius. (well if I know what I know now and was born in say, 1000 BC, they would have thought I was a genius)
Firstly I was off the skin guy, guess what…… more forms, I remembered to wear my good undies again, which was a great thing because the assistant was quite hot. There I was sitting on the operation table in my tighty whities, when the Doc started to inject me. It reminded me of the time wonder woman would jab me every 3 days, for 21 days, for Rabies, she would take the muti directly out of the fridge, suck back a vial of ice cold liquid into a needle the same diameter of a pencil and with a touch of malice in eye, drive that freezing steel tube into my arm. Sometimes while the pole was still in my arm she would see if she could bend it into a 45 degree angle. Anyway he stuck this fiery steel appendage into my neck and arm several times and released liquid lava into my body, for what he says “will numb the area”. While there was a little wee-wee seeping into my good undies, I was very brave and hardly flinched showing the haaaaawt assistant how tough I am. She made all the right comments and even accidently brushed my arm which I interpreted as she thought I was “ok bordering on hot”. After slicing a five centimetre chunk from my neck and punching a hole in my arm he stitched me up and said I was good as new. Later that week they called and said that it was not malignant and I’m all good. Seems I will live forever!!!!! (booom tick box)
Next was the laser eyeball guy….
Ok deep breath.
Wait for it!! More freeeeeking forms, UUUGGGHHHHHHH, More waiting in a waiting room, UUGGGHHHHHH and eventually it’s my turn. Dr Do-little-and-charge-a-lot puts eyedrops into my eyes to stop the black bit from getting smaller when he shines a light into it. I waited for 10 minutes for the drugs to work and then we started some more tests. We do the multiple choice quiz where he asks better or worse, and I keep saying worse, worse, worse. He takes photos of the insides of my eyeballs and says. “Mate we will need to wait for a year to see if your vision has stabilized”. Well that, or he can just replace my lens completely. The thought of having a knife enter my eyeball and to make matters worse completing another form, is just too much for me, which kills my enthusiasm and I tell him I happy to wait for a year. We are all smiles and I leave…….
But Hang on a section that cant be all can it?
NOOOOO!!! Remember those eyedrops? Yes? Well when I walked outside the sun was out in all its glory. My now paralysed eyeballs cannot contract and it feels like I’m staring directly at the sun. Everything is BRIGHT!! Even clearer and I’m thinking to myself “Hey! That’s pretty cool!!. Any more of this and my personality might improve aswell!!“
Shortly after I started driving home, the brightness and the movement, caused my tear ducts to start working overtime, tears filled my eyeballs making everything blurry (more blurry than normal) as well as my eyelids now involuntarily closing. I’m using every muscle in my face, forehead and even my ass is trying assist to try and keep my eyes open so I don’t have an accident. I recon I looked like I was running away from an angry charging buffalo and sucking on a monster sour ball. At one point I had to pull over on the side of the road to get my bearings. What’s normally a six-minute drive took just over thirty minutes. I was tired, my face neck and ring piece were sore from the strain of trying to survive and worse, I looked like I had been crying because I won RENAULT in a sweepstakes competition. I sat on the couch like a deflated balloon, with paralysed eyeballs, a lacerated neck and chunk of skin missing from my arm and I thought to myself only one more appointment to go…….. well its now a week later and I still have not gone to the dentist. I think I will just get wonder woman to fill the hole with Polyfilla and some soldering wire.
By the time you read this I will have my new far lookers, near lookers, the twine holding my outerbag will be ready to remove and you will have been to the bottle store to replenish your booze cabinet.
So enjoy your stubbie, be safe, hug a tree and don’t go insane in isolation.
ZOY

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on June 03, 2020, 09:50:19 am
Classic!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: DeeCeeBee on June 05, 2020, 11:42:15 am
Please look me up for sure.

I’d be more than happy to show you round a few good routes.

Darryn

0427 879 785

AHHHHH Mate, This letter was written last year just before Easter.
Trust Me the next time in Tazzie I will be sure to give you a call.
 :thumleft:
Easy done!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 15, 2020, 07:42:45 am
**a covid story**

The sun had set on a typical winters Friday evening, it was cold the wind was blowing and the 3 musketeers (Wonder Woman, BurntWild and I)  were huddled around the heater sipping on wine and beer. The conversation was typical to those suffering from covid lockdown and even though stories were repeated ad nauseam we all nodded at the right times and feigned interest in the topic. That was until of course Wonder Woman’s mobile rang.
Trenticles was on the other end with a request.
In the art of manipulation, similar to the art of war, to get what you want you need to lead with a heartfelt story to get the attention of the listener. Once you have hooked them you can move into the request and finally omit some truths to get what you want.
Trenticles, being a descendent of wonder woman’s blood, had planned this conversation perfectly. He started with some idle banter to soften her up, he gauged the conversation to the intake of wine and the malleability of his mothers heart. His story started with the fact that the next evening he was supposed to be attending a mates 18th birthday party and that there had been an issue that whereby the party had to be cancelled. If you sat quietly, as I did, in the background you could hear a single lonely violinist playing a tune to dramatize the event. Sufficiently hooked Wonder Woman was unable to change the subject and Trenticles continued. Seeing as his mates party was cancelled could we have it at our house. An extra violinist somehow being added to the score to emphasize the desperate plea. Unfortunately for me I was hooked into the story possibly because of my love of classical music or maby because I was six beers in. Wonder Woman looked at me and with her puppy dog eyes and I know it was futile to oppose what was happening before my eyes. She approved his request to have his mates party at our house.
I would be spending my Saturday cleaning out the garage, preparing the braai, (yes we would be catering for them aswell) shopping for “refreshments” and packing the cooler box. Essentially we would spend out day preparing for a party we are not invited to. Remember that part about omitting something….. Well the kid, whose birthday party was cancelled, the reason we are having it at our house….. well he is not coming. We are having a party at our house that we are catering for, for a kid that I don’t know, that is not even coming!!!! When I spoke to him about it on Saturday evening when he finally got home his words were.
“We were all geared up for a party and needed a venue so you guys were it.” followed up with “Did you put the beers in the fridge?” I don’t want you, dear reader, to think any less of me so I will not write down the words that spewed from my mouth but if you imagine a mechanic hitting his thumb with a hammer and venting his feelings you would not be far off.
Eventually five lads arrived and they proceeded to drink beer like only 18 year old’s can. Trenticles had purchased a funnel to down beers with and proceeded to “show” me how its done.
To be honest I’ve seen a water drain an Olympic sized swimming pool with a hosepipe quicker than that lad trying to guzzle a beer. I tried to tell him its all about technique, pressure and mental ability, but words are just words and in this case actions speak louder than words. I grabbed one of his tropical island namby pamby beers and showed him the correct technique to pouring the beer into the funnel. When he was the correct elevation I swallowed that beer in one gulp, burped and said that’s how you do it. My audience was dumbstruck, as I looked around all I could see was bloodshot eyes and gaping mouths.
**Drops the mike, walks away**
This old ballie can still teach these young upstarts a few things.  :o

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Ri on June 15, 2020, 10:08:03 am
 :imaposer: :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 17, 2020, 01:19:04 pm
This made me laugh (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200617/c2189639911af4e8e972d0df4b0fb915.jpg)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on June 17, 2020, 02:16:22 pm
This made me laugh

Of course it did ;D
Title: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 17, 2020, 09:40:32 pm
Ok this is not a picture thread but this one has to be one of my favourite.
(https://izismile.com/img/img12/20190905/gifs/daily_gifdump_0WlD8_27.gif)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: mox on June 18, 2020, 07:05:29 am
Reply #644
 :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 20, 2020, 01:26:21 am
Four years ago Wonder Woman, Trenticles and spiderpig arrived on the island. Wow. Time files. We can now apply for citizenship. How mad is that’s?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sardine on June 20, 2020, 08:13:04 am
 :spitcoffee:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on June 20, 2020, 09:28:03 am
Four years ago Wonder Woman, Trenticles and spiderpig arrived on the island. Wow. Time files. We can now apply for citizenship. How mad is that’s?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Good on ya, mate!  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on June 20, 2020, 10:12:06 am
Four years ago Wonder Woman, Trenticles and spiderpig arrived on the island. Wow. Time files. We can now apply for citizenship. How mad is that’s?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Wow that was fast!!!! :o
So now you do not need a criminal record to get in anymore!! ;) :lol8:
Can you keep your SA passport or not?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 22, 2020, 12:26:03 am
Four years ago Wonder Woman, Trenticles and spiderpig arrived on the island. Wow. Time files. We can now apply for citizenship. How mad is that’s?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Wow that was fast!!!! :o
So now you do not need a criminal record to get in anymore!! ;) :lol8:
Can you keep your SA passport or not?

You don't need a criminal record per se but I know a guy that can provide one if you do.  :biggrin:

Re the SA passport.... thats an interesting topic for discussion.

To keep my Passport I need to inform the both governments that I wish to keep dual citizenship. which is easy enough.
The upside is that I will have a piece of paper that says I am a South African. but lets look at it from a practical point of view.
Say something hectic happened in the world. Like I donno, say a pandemic swept uncontrollably across the world, borders were closed, international travel was banned and I was stuck in Usbeckistan.
If I had dual citizenship, my original country (SA) would be responsible to assist me in getting out. That means that I would need to apply to the SA embassy for help.......... We don't need to go down that road to know how that will work out.
If did not have dual citizenship, Australia would be responsible to assist me.
I was speaking to someone just yesterday, an ex SA guy, that is a citizen here, who was traveling, when this pandemic broke out. Before he could start to think about leaving, the AUS government, sent him an SMS to inform him that they see that he is out of the country and that he should return ASAP, if there were any complications he should contact them and they will assist.

For that reason alone I will probably not keep dual citizenship. But sometimes the heart overrides the brain.... decision pending......

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: IanTheTooth on June 22, 2020, 02:19:11 am
I think Bozo has it summed up there. We got our permanent residence at the same time as Bozo but still have to wait a couple of years for citizenship application time (in my wife's case 2years 4 months, 3weeks, 12 hours and 23 minutes.)  In my and my children's cases with a UK and RSA citizenship it doesn't really matter about the RSA passport but in my wife's case with only an RSA citizenship she just can't wait to get a real world passport without a thousand visa restrictions.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 22, 2020, 06:10:27 am
A Tasmanian Adventure 2019 EASTER
Visiting the Islands Island.
This post is being changed for readability for your pleasure......... and comprehension  ;)
Please be patient.....
uploading........
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on June 24, 2020, 05:07:21 am
Part One...
Visiting the Island’s Island.
On this journey of haphazard events we left the Island to go to it’s Island and it’s Island’s Island, so you could say we went to this Islands’ Island’s Island. Don’t get that confused with Ireland that’s a completely different this Island and also it’s an Island off another Island where one of the travellers that joined us is from.
The original group of intrepid explorers was originally going to be Myself (TGOTI), Wonder Woman, Trenticles, Spiderpig and the people from the “mountain” family (van den Burg’s) (bones (Vanessa), skinny-giant (Marius) and their son surname-surname (Reyneke)).  Somewhere along the line, The Burn (Nicola) and her daughter Thumbelina (Storm) joined in, as well as mommy-ride-to (Maryna) and The-Pom (Paul) with their daughter Thumbelina 2.0 (Caity).
All of a sardine we went from 4 (3 BMW’s & 1 Yamaha) bikes and one car (Honda Jazz) to 6 bikes ( 5 BMW’s & 1 Yamaha) and 2 cars (a Honda Jazz and a “one-times-flaming-red-hot-check-me-out-imma-inna-Mercedes-BenZ-baby”) … mommy-ride-to and The-Duke are from Sydney but we were instructed to not hold that against them as they have also been to many many countries touring on their bikes.
They have a wealth of experience traveling by bike and camping, if that’s not enough there was a promise that they would bring along with them lots of interesting stories.
I was fully prepared to become a brain-leech and absorb as much info as possible and grow my worlds view…..
Well to 101% completely honest. I was just keen to drink beer ride bikes and talk shit, but you get the idea right? Some people actually want more out of life, or so I’m told.
This certainly wont be a day by day account of what we did, if that’s what you wanted then my advice would be to consult Facebook as the clan, except for the burn did daily updates.
Day one: 😊
Previously we (wonder-woman and someone?) agreed to meet on the ferry as it takes a while to board?, aboard?, bored?, get on the boat. On the way there we needed to stop at the servo (BP) to meet the burn and put a chicken in the fridge (yes we had a fridge in our Honda Jazz). I pulled up to the servo and low and behold there was Bones, Skinny-Giant and Surname-Surname.
I pulled up next to them for a bit of a yarn. Wonder woman called to say she had forgotten to pack her Jacket and would be delayed by 15 minutes. I was not perturbed as the banter had already started and we still need to transfer said chicken.
Eventually, we decided to move on and that’s where the kak started.
Nnnhhhnnnnnn ngggghhhnnnnnnn nnhhhggggnnnnnnnn, click…..  :o
One of the bikes would not start.
Bones’s battery was flat, she had left her heated grips on to keep her coffee warm and unbeknownst to her not only did this drain her battery but also her popularity points with skinny-giant whose eyes had narrowed into tiny slits and darted from side to side.
Surname-Surname and I (still fully kitted out in winter our twat suits) tried to push start the 110kg Skinny-Giant, while Bones, standing to one side, coffee in hand, chipped away at her popularity points. Every time we came past pushing the bike.
Somehow comments like, “Maybe you should take a longer run up?”  don’t really help……Just saying…… especially when you are building up a sweat in the pants that you intend to wear for the next 10 days…..
After some unpacking , unscrewing, unbolting, connecting, starting, bolting, screwing and eventually repacking we were off. Lucky the ferry (The Spirit Of Tasmania) was an hour late……

This is not some steam boat that crosses the Vaal River carrying an old Jaloppie, 17 bicycles, 19 chickens and 40 passengers…..
AAWWHHHHH HELL No, this is a fancy rust bucket.  ;)
Some facts about this boat that you didn’t know you wanted to know are:
It’s 194 meters long (twice the length of a rugby field), it can carry 1400 people (1390 more followers than what I have on Instagram and twitter combined) and 500 cars (no Renault’s were harmed in this count).
It takes between 9 and 11 hours travelling at approximately 50km/h to travel the 429 km between Melbourne (Island 1) and Davenport (Island 2).
If you thought your Landrover was heavy on fuel sit back and balk at the 7000 liters used per hour to move this floating steel monstrosity.
(7000 * 10 = 70 000 per trip) . It has a fuel tank that holds 1,222,000 liters of fuel …..
One million hundred and twenty two hundred and two zero nil zero…… almost as much as Zuma’s Fire pool…..….. and at the current rate of $1.5 per litre of diesel is only just shy of $ 2 mil to fill up….. If you earn point on your credit card, there’s some banking blue bean points for you right there puppy.
As amazing as those facts are, education is boring if you don’t have an interesting story to tell with it. This may not be interesting but at least it’s a story. 😊
After we were aboard the boat, I called Trenticles and Spiderpig to one side and gave them $50 each with specific instructions.
Here are my almost exact words.
“Here is $50, this money is all that you are getting for the boat ride. It should cover, food, drinks and entertainment for the ENTIRE boat trip, which is only 10 hours, there is no more where that came from. Once you have spent it its gone, gonesky, finnish, done, don’t ask for more. Spend it wisely!!!  Repeat after me once its gone its gone, there is no more after that”
Trenticles was like shap, shap, see you later dude I’m gonna see what’s what on this floating tub.
Spiderpig’s eyes glazed over, he walked away dragging his feet like someone had super-glued his ass cheeks together. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it’s very hard to generate static electricity on a metal boat… With that done it was time to find the bar and smash a couple beers with wonder woman and the become acquainted with the rest of the gang. Things were going swimmingly well, I was on my third beer and my personality was starting kick in like a KTM almost starting. At some point they announced that food was being served in the kitchen and for $17 you can dish as much on your plate as you can. Amazingly Spiderpig was hovering around when this happened. He shrugged his shoulders and mumbled “hurumph, I’m not that hungry anyway”.
I tried to ignore it, Wonder Woman’s eyes drifted in his direction and she was about to ask if he was feeling ill as that’s the only reason he wouldn’t be eating..
He didn’t have the pallor of a sea sick person, he did look hungry, and he was hanging around like a hyena at a lion kill.
Something was off.
Lucky for us, and you dear reader, this was not a game of “What’s wrong with Spiderpig?”
Trenticles and Thumbelina already had the answer. They volunteered this information it without any prompting. You see, in the arcade room, there was a claw machine filled with “teddys”. It’s claw reached out and hooked spiderpig luring him in, tempted by the elation of success and a fluffy toy to cling too in these turbulent seas, he tried his luck at a $1 pop , 30 times……..30 frikken times….
The boy was broke. And as far as I was concerned he was going to die of starvation on the boat.
It was like watching a national geographic documentary, when a cute hyena pup, with his adorable watery brown eyes sounds the occasional soft whine to get the attention of its mother while avoiding the bloated dominant male, he was persistent and ended up getting food from someone.
All of this drama and we were only in the middle of the bass strait which, fun fact, has an average depth of only 60m.

Eventually we landed in Davenport, it was a short 2 km ride to the accommodation that we had booked for the first night.
The kids were hungry (go figure) so wonder woman went off to get Maccas. I went off to check us in and we were going to have an early night. Standing at the check-in counter The Burn was informed that her room was not booked. She smiled, looked down at her booking paper, looked back up, back down and said “Fack”.
Her room was booked….for the day she booked the room. A month in the past…..LOL.  ;D
No problemo we can fix that. She can sleep in our room. The proprietor of the estate was happy with that and hey presto, donesky, probem solved!!
I called wonder woman to let her know the situation, our room number and the directions etc…..
Its 21:00 Saturday evening. Its been a long bat trip and I’m pretty sure that it wont be an issue. As she answers the phone all I hear is “Fuuuuuck!!!” Turns out that one of our offspring had spilt a 500ml coke in the car…….it was now my turn to say it…..“Eish”…. Everyone’s in a bad mood and its only day one….. :o
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on June 24, 2020, 11:09:45 am
he walked away dragging his feet like someone had super-glued his ass cheeks together.

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :spitcoffee: :spitcoffee: :lol8: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: zebra - Flying Brick on June 24, 2020, 12:48:03 pm
...there are more...


Things were going swimmingly well, I was on my third beer and my personality was starting kick in like a KTM almost starting....

and...

He didn’t have the pallor of a sea sick person, he did look hungry, and he was hanging around like a hyena at a lion kill....

Look, he really does write very, very well! :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Mr Zog on June 25, 2020, 02:43:00 am
...there are more...


Things were going swimmingly well, I was on my third beer and my personality was starting kick in like a KTM almost starting....

and...

He didn’t have the pallor of a sea sick person, he did look hungry, and he was hanging around like a hyena at a lion kill....

Look, he really does write very, very well! :thumleft:

That he does... I was pissing myself laughing  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 01, 2020, 12:01:42 pm
Tazzie Tour Part 2

On the second day, God Created the Sky, and unbeknownst to me unlike God, I have been wrong on a biblical scale before, many times, and this is was another one of those occasions. On our Second Day, a couple eons before the first second day, on the Island where a cousin could be your Uncle and your brother at the same time,  The-Barrister and mommy-ride-to left early to collect their daughter Thumbelina 2.0 from the airport, The cage’ers (our party travelling in cars) were off to Straughn (said like Stroh rum, but without the dry heaves) while the rest of us were left to follow skinny-giant.
I’m not sure if I missed the riders briefing that morning or if there was some sort of telepathy thing going on but I had no idea where we were going, when we were going to stop or even how far we were going for the day. Essentially I was an excited blind man following the wrong Labrador into a duck pond.
Maer-Reuse (Skinny Giant) woke up in full holiday mode, which means that every side road, coffee shop and cloud was an opportunity to stop. Apparently there was a general route planned and the destination was not important it was apparently more about the ride. We had been riding for approximately 20 minutes when skinny-giant saw a signboard for a dam in the region of “Nowhere Else” and decided to do a u-turn to take a-look and eat some food… stop there and read that last sentence again.. 20 minutes we hade been riding….. 20……And that’s where the kak started.…@0 minutes into a 2000km ride and Bones decided invest in Tazzie and bought the first of her two farms. Her first purchase was an extravagant and unexpected move. After advice from skinny giant to not fall, she promptly turned her steering full tilt, pulled the front brake placed her foot on loose gravel performing a dismount that would be tough to repeat. Being the graceful swan that that she is, half way through her disembarking procedure she executed a perfect backwards roly-poly ending on her feet. Had the Judging panel that consisted of myself and Surname-Surname had number boards I’m sure she would have achieved a high 8 out of 10 as two points were deducted for instability on finishing up.

We Camped in Different places some of them very nice some not so much. The riding and was excellent, and if you ever get the chance to ride in Taszzie do it. Its corner heaven and dare I say that at some point you actually just want a straight piece of tar. One of the many memorable patchs of road was from Arthur River to Corinna, its 100km of dirt road that will get your blood pumping, there are exhilarating sections where it’s possible to do 100km/h low flying over long undulating humps and then realizing that the 25km/h sign board you just passed was not a suggestion. Climb on the anchors, back wheel at full lock, white knuckle, shit-in-your-pants moments and then open up again. I had moments of pure bliss, screaming in my helmet to slow down but go faster. All too soon this pass was over, I would have turned around and done it again if not for my shaking legs and the rest of tazzie to go round. While I waited for the other 5 bikes I made myself comfortable guessing names of trees and doing push-ups. Eventually an hour and a bit later they pulled-up looking dusty but happy and mostly in one piece. Mommy-ride-to who was packed like a llama ready to ascend Everest , huge respect to being able to pack the two centre aisles of Woolworths on that bike and then being able to ride it, had a oh-shit-wrong-gear-its-too-late-now moment had to lay a deposit on a farm with a view at the top of a hill. Already invested in Tazzie property bones decided that the view was worth the investment and lay her bike down next to mommy-ride-to’s. Not wanting to miss out on an investment opportunity and looking to build some “gees” or spirit into his Iron Steed, surname-surname flippantly ignored the 25km/h signboard and decided to practice his high-side-ejection technique. Unfortunately this only really works on tar with grippy tyres, his result was far less spectacular than a motor GP 235km/h 300m slide, but, his bike was scratched and his ankle was swollen. Tick the box for “gees”.
Stories of near death experiences, in the desolate and harsh western Tasmania will be told to many young gullible Sheela’s in order to coax them to his room for late night scar inspections… you go boy!!!! 
That night around the campfire, voltaren was handed out like smarties to the fallen and old. We listened to entertaining stories started by the knight, interrupted and placed in correct sequential order and finished by mommy-ride-to.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 01, 2020, 12:27:36 pm
Tazzie Part3 fin..

After spending some days with the 4 other bikes I needed some alone time, and also just to ride more than 40km without stopping for coffee or to look at a cloud.
I found the ladies some 300km away and was greeted by people that are not keen to camp. They had had a few terrible nights camping in the mud and had got little sleep, so when I met them they were short on humour and tired of cranky phone addicted sloths that were barely able to operate a tin opener. Camping is fun if you get to a site and setup then spend a couple of nights there. Setting up and breaking down camp every day is, how do I say, taxing on the soul. By the second last day even though in good spirits, it was enough, the laughter was short lived and the conversations were strained. Every time l looked for the kids I found spiderpig bent over a charging pole watching Chinese cartoons on youtube, Thumbelina was happily chatting away and making food for the boys and Trenticles walking in circles trying desperately not to look bored but failing miserably. The Burn who had said before this trip started “I hate camping, the only way I camp is to glamp” was starting to doubt her sanity and was looking for someone to blame for making her do this shit. Her one-times-flaming-red-hot-check-me-out-imma-inna-Mercedes-BenZ-baby had one cleanish spot where Thumbelina had cleaned it with a wet wipe also looked like it wanted to go home. Me, I was in heaven, tinned food, beer, no tv and in the bush. This holiday was drawing to a close all too soon.
We made our way back to Davenport (did you know that synonyms davenport are couch, sofa, futon) to board the Ferry which had one last surprise for us.
After we had borderededed and set sail the captain came on the speaker system and announced that there was “significant weather for the way home”. This means, take sea sick tables and prey. Obviously we did not do this. We had a couple of beers and chatted in one of the bars while the waves got bigger and bigger. As in we were in the bar on the 5th floor, when I popped out for a smoko and to look out at the rough sea the swells were about 3 stories high. I shit you not.  Eventually it was becoming difficult to walk down the passage. And that’s when everyone decided to go to bed. I slept like a log. The rocking of the boat was AWESOME. As it pitched in is seesaw motion I was lulled off to dreamland where I spent the night dreaming of our next adventure and taking a dump in my own toilet.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 05, 2020, 12:16:28 am
My documentation of our Tazzie trip was dismal to say the least and I suppose I will need to revisit it to add some spice. Promise!!! 8)
My next one is about food and although I'm not food critic like Barry Ronge is to movies**. I think I did an ok job.
Thanks for Reading.

** I bet he would be a good food critic as well.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 05, 2020, 01:07:34 am
This last week I was off to Sydney to do some computer’er’es work.
The one thing about travelling for work is I get to choose whatever chow I like. All this time that we have been on the island we have maybe been out for dinner twice and having something like takeout is rare, rare like a loved red headed stepchild, or a RENAULT that still runs after the warrantee has ended.
AAAAANNNNHOOOOO While I was in Shitney I took full advantage of the situation and fed myself on MacDonald’s like a starving pig eating leftover birthday cake from a trough.
Each night when I was in bed watching TV the feeling of guilt, over stuffing my face with macca’s, wracked my body with the shivers, just enough for the delicious pickles to slip out between the bun and the patty and fall onto the white hotel linen. Lucky for me I had asked for extra pickles so I didn’t have to put the remote down to continue gorging on this scrumptious junk food.  :drif:
When I returned home I boasted to wonder woman of the numerous nutrient filled meals I had eaten. When she asked for specifics it was easier to say.
“Each day I alternated between the left and right side of the menu, as in the entire left side, and entire right side”.  :)
While lying in bed that night, my sins of gluttony prevailed and liquid fire rushed up my pharynx incinerating everything along its path along with my will to live.
My complaints of heart burn and feeling bloated fell on deaf ears and I was left hopeless and alone with no obvious path to ask for at least a belly rub*…..
*note to self, timing and order are important in the quest for night-time kinky-time. 

Wonder Woman is currently on a work sabbatical so the next day she took the time to whip up a good old home cooked meal.
For those that don’t know Wonder Woman. This is a rare occasion and cause for involuntary Nystagmus and perspiration from the inhabitants that dwell in the same abode.  :eek7:
Lucky for us she has moved beyond boiled fish and veg in one pot and I was excited to be getting home to chow down.
Due to my excessive bread intake over the previous days and wanting to eat healthy and have a carbohydrate free meal Wonder Woman had made Lamb shoulder with onions, red cabbage, cauliflower and carrots.
Some extra spices were added that made for an inviting aroma as I walked into the house after a hard days slog at the grindstone.
Eventually after salivating like a dog for an hour it was time to eat. We sat down at the table and tucked in. I was halfway through my meal, having an enlightening conversation with spiderpig about school and the tribulations that teens face today. I glanced down at my fork and noticed a cherry tomato on my plate, which I proceeded to add to my combo on my already stacked fork.
My sub-conscience tried to stop me there by saying “Hey that’s odd! Only one cherry tomato in a whole meal!! Who does that?”.  :o
I can’t really multitask that well and I decided to ignore my brain and listen to my stomach instead. I popped that sucker right into my feeding trap. The soft tender lamb combined with the crunchy carrot, cauliflower and red cabbage was so good it was giving me goosebumps. While I was masticating this mouthful, Spiderpig was continuing his story. “and now the naplan tests need to be retaken because….”
That’s when I bit into this so called “cherry tomato”, it gave an expected satisfying pop, the warm mushy liquid filled my mouth, coating my tongue and I chewed two maybe three times before I swallowed.
All of a sardine Spiderpig’s voice was drowned out by the sound of blood rushing through my ears to the top of my head.
I looked at Wonder Woman and spiderpig through tearing eyes not understanding what was happening to me. They both reciprocated by looking at me in horror, and misunderstanding.
Just managing to draw enough breath to not pass out, I launched myself across the kitchen to the sink that was filled with oily soapy water.
At this point I was willing to slurp dirty dishwater in my mouth and swirl it around until the illogical burning stopped.
I had, in fact, not eaten a “cherry tomato” I had nonchalantly, and unknowingly, popped what can only be described as a red death ball chilli into my gob and eaten it like a fat kid eats a twinkie.
I was standing there red faced, with a sudden case of hyperhidrosis disorder, breathing fire and still confused as to what was happening to me when wonder woman realized what was going on….. you see some time ago, Nicola The Burn, had given us some chillies that were in her words.
“fucken hot, I cant eat them, so be careful!”
To understand how hot she likes her chillies have a look at her Facebook pictures, in the middle to end of winter she is still brown. That’s not from the sun pal that’s from chillies burning her from the inside out.!!!!!....
Heeding her words I had put them in the deep freeze to be used sparingly...
Wonder Woman had added a chilli (from The Burn) to the Lamb, to “add some flavour”…...and then she forgot that she had done that, until just then!!
While I was standing in the middle of the kitchen floor, flailing around and gagging like a cat choking on a fur ball, Wonder Woman burst out laughing, tears streaming down her cheeks trying desperately to say sorry but failing dismally. Spiderpig was also enjoying my apparent extreme discomfort and was helplessly guffawing at his end of the table.
Eventually the pain subsided, my eyes cleared, the blood drained from my skull, and I was able to complete my meal. Even though wonder woman promised that she had only placed one chilli in the food every fork full following “the incident” was closely inspected by both myself and spiderpig.
One would think that the story ends there, but that death ball chilli had another surprise instore for me. It decided that if its gonna burn on the way in then, sure as hell its gonna burn on the way out. I currently have a bum like a Chinese’s flag and I’m wondering if you really can insert a square peg (ice cube) into a round hole.
Have a Good Weekend!!!!
ZOY
Off to buy a $3 bag of round ice cubes.!!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on July 05, 2020, 10:19:09 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :lol8:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Mr Zog on July 05, 2020, 11:28:27 pm
Put the bog roll in the deep freeze and wipe with copious amounts of vanilla ice cream  :imaposer:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on July 06, 2020, 11:01:17 am
'kin hilarious!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: RrP on July 06, 2020, 03:27:09 pm


Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 09, 2020, 09:29:15 pm
Yesterday we re-entered 6 more weeks of lockdown....urgh.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on July 10, 2020, 10:20:18 am
Saw that. Quite hectic.Sterkte
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 13, 2020, 12:35:21 am
We are into lockdown again. :o
Wonder Woman has lost her job, SpiderPig has an extra week of holidays the weather is KAK and its rego time again ($700 per vehicle).
There are positives however, while wonder woman is jobless I have her gainfully “employed” doing hard labour in the garden. (pictures to follow)
The thing that is on my mind the most at the moment is Trenticles…….
You see he is turning 18 in August.  8)
It’s his last year of school and he had dreams of travelling the world and working for a couple of years before returning to the island, or not.
He has been working since he was 16 and has been saving 60% of everything he has earned. Which is commendable if you ask me.  ;)
So those plans have been put to one side and we will see what he does.
For his plans in a not so distant future, he wanted to get his driver’s license, and has been working hard to build up the 120 hours needed to qualify for the test.
That’s also been put on the back burner as there is a massive backlog which will now be even greater.
More importantly his big wish for his 18th was to be able to go out to a pub with Wonder Woman and myself and slot a couple pints. (obviously on my account)
To make his transition into adult-hood a memorable one I will be visiting our South African shop and purchasing a couple 1kg rump steaks, pap and a case or two Castle’s  :drif:
I will wrap the keys for flappy paddles in a box, which will be handed over in a 4 person gathering….. (nothing like giving a present that cant be used  :imaposer: )

Lucky this will not last forever and those opportunity’s will still be there on the other side of this.

Some light-hearted stuff to follow
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 13, 2020, 04:49:33 am
As life quietens down in the land of the lazy and boring my new exciting experiences about what’s happening around me are dwindling faster than a fully charged battery on a two-year-old phone. To be honest to build some excitement and controversy I have even been looking at LandRovers on the sly.
I was going through my old letters the other day, undertaking some editing, you know, small things like, spelling, grammar, anger issues, and I realized that the last time I mentioned anything about the actual island was a while ago. #NotThatItReallyMattersAnyWay…..
Surprisingly, nothing new has developed, life’s loop is the same. It rains 1mm more than the usual and it makes the news.
A eucalyptus tree, basically the only thing that grows on the island and a koala’s home, falls over from a gust of wind in Western Australia and SES (state emergency services) receives 200 phone calls, this continental event makes the news in Victoria 4000km away.
We have quickly (if you can call 3 years quick) and unwittingly become accustomed to this type of life. This dawned on me a few weeks ago when I received a wasssap from my mother informing me of the excitement happening down the road from their house. In the middle of a starless cold dark night (load shedding) in deep dark Africa (Benoni) they awakened to a cacophony of activity, shots fired, security company cars racing around the hood, dogs barking and people shouting.
I can just see my old lady, her two little portable brooms barking and snorting at her ankles, hair in disarray, smudged glasses perched on the end of her nose, standing in her gown, peering through a gap in the curtains.
Whispering loudly to my old man, in his trackie dacks, stokies and an old grey shirt standing at the gate desperately struggling to see what going on.  ;D ;D
After a flurry of messages back and forth between Africa and the Island, it was determined that the baddies got away and the good guys got to live to fight the good fight.
Meanwhile here on the island in the nanny state the debate is raging on about making all motor cyclists wear high visibility vests.
Which is ok if you ride a KTM as you look like a road cone anyway.  :pot:
The rest of us are a little peeved about it.. See what I mean? Boring.!! ANNNYYYYYYHOOOOO….. let’s not get lost in the details about high fashion of wannabe grizzly biker boy gangs looking like portable landing strips and lets delve into the details of something fun to laugh at.
About 2 weeks ago, it was school holidays, spiderpig retreated into his burrow, only to emerge twice a day to shit and eat, sometimes he combined these events into one and we would not see him, we knew he was alive when we could hear him scratching in the cupboard down stairs like a pig snuffling for truffles.
Trenticles, started the holiday with sitting us down to clear up the rules of engagement. What time did he have to be home, how often could he sleep out, how much pocket money would he get.
After that we never saw him, although, there were two phone calls asking for confirmation of payment date and time of said pocket money.
Just as Wonder Woman and I were getting used to having no kids, Trenticles dropped a bomb asking if he could have a “gath” at our place…… A “gath” pronounced “gaafh” is short for “gathering” or “get together”.
Most people have “gath’s” when its warm, not five degrees, teenagers on the other hand, have these meetings whenever they can, and, I tend to agree, why the hell not!!! 
These kids collected in the garden, I had the fire pit going and using old pallets as fuel that managed to keep the polar bears at bay.
Unfortunately, aussie kids don’t like to have parents in their company, we are apparently only good to provide the venue, food, beverages, accommodation and music.  :'(
Eventually we got the hint and made ourselves scarce for the evening and sneaked into bed at a respectable 9 pm (I know right---waaayyyyyy passed my bedtime). 
By now if you have got this far and you are starting to wonder where it all went wrong right? Some of you will know this by now and some wont but people aged between 12 and 20 something can sleep like a hibernating bear.
Armed with this knowledge and the fact that it was cold and raining outside we decided to have a late morning.
Reading i-pads, catching up on Facebook. etc etc etc. (no patla patla however).  :'(
I eventually went down to make coffee, assess the situation and deliver the prognosis back to wonder woman.  (Not Pretty)
After a short discussion we decided that the wise move would be to leave the house for a few hours and hope that it would be cleaned to a respectable degree by the time we returned.
Wonder Woman had just climbed out of the shower and was standing in the middle of the room, starkers, naked as the day she was born, towel already hanging in the bathroom.
When we heard the tell-tale sounds of someone ascending the stairs…........ :o
I just want to break away from this story quickly. These are wooden stairs, so they make a distinct sound.
When Spiderpig ascends stairs, he does it with as little effort and silently as humanly possible, the sound effect would be something similar to a killer creeping up behind you in a dark tunnel.
When Trenticles ascends the stairs its usually accompanied with some sort of aliment, a sore toe, cracking his elbow against balustrade, slipping on a step and some kind of running commentary.
This time the noise coming up the stairs was none of the sounds we knew.  :eek7:
I looked up from my i-pad at wonder woman, our eyes locked while the realization of what was happening set in and all I could see was panic.  :lol8:
She was mid panty hoist, one leg in one leg out, hopping on one bare foot. The sound of this person ascending the stairs was now crystal clear, it was like bigfoot in a hurry, let me tell you bigfoot was in for a surprise of his life.  :biggrin:
Even though time had frozen for wonder woman, there was no denying what was going to happen, she was trying furiously to get her panties to crotch height, but a wondering big toe had a different plan and had hooked into the fabric and was putting up a good fight like a prize tigerfish on the line fighting for its life in lower Zambezi.
All this time, wonder woman’s face went from “oh Shit” to “oh shit ,shit, shit, shit!!”.  :imaposer:
Our mystery bigfoot had finally crested the stairs and entered the room at a semi-full tilt pace.
Wonder woman went limp, her big toe let go in defeat, and her face went thankfully placid as spiderpig crossed the threshold.
It was now his turn to realize what was happening. His mind caught onto what he was seeing seconds after his momentum thrust him through the door. While his weight was carrying him forward his head and body wanted to go in the opposite direction like a cat slipping onto a big bucket of water.
There was some uncomfortable mutterings and takkie squeaking until he was standing just outside the door.
I spent the next five minutes laughing at the situation. Lucky for you I didn’t promise not to share this story.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on July 13, 2020, 07:58:13 am
The tale of how Spiderpig learned to knock before entering... Lekker laugh thanks.!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 15, 2020, 03:16:45 am
While I sit here and watch java logfiles stream across my screen my mind is taken back into the past, and I’m having flashbacks of a movie, where we are shown a skinny guy inappropriately named Tank, sitting on a chair aimlessly watching lots of green letters falling down his screen. He told Neo it was called “the matrix” and that was when Keanu Reeves was just a semi. When I say semi I’m talking about superstar not the other kind.
For those who have not watched “The Matrix”, please catch a cab to the closest Renault dealer and buy a car, your life might aswell be shit anyway.
To remind the rest of you beautiful people. A quick summary of the matrix: 
Neo, our hero, was sucked from a machine that was draining the life out of him (along with the rest of the human race). Once the amniotic fluid was drained from his lungs he was told that “he has been rescued” from a place called “the matrix” by some people that thought they knew better. They then fed him gruel (probably made from the leftover amniotic fluid) and kept putting him back into “the matrix” to remind him that he was now screwed no matter what choice he made, they also kept telling him that he was the chosen one, and the hero. It’s not all bad though. At least in his life, the middle to the end part anyway, he could upload operating instructions on karate, jujitsu and tri-kan-doo to name a few, he was called Mr Anderson by an unrelenting duplicating force, he had a girlfriend that wore HAAWWWTTT latex in public, his life coach was called Morpheus that wore sunglass with no arms and he met a wise all-knowing old black lady called “the oracle”…who coincidently chose to live in captivity in the matrix…. Go-figure… there was a lot of bullets, bright lights and not even once did his chick break a sweat or split her incredibly tight pants. Neo never smiled and to be honest, it doesn’t matter what happens in the end anyway as that’s got nothing to do with my story. Which will obviously be “cooler” for want of a better word. Although please be warned, there is no latex, no girlfriend and no bullets. If the order was changed and there was a girlfriend and latex I’m pretty sure there would be bullets.
Ok so where was I, Ah yes! I’m watching java log files scroll on the screen and my mind has drifted. After three years two months and fifteen days of being on the island we have finally found an affordable way to watch sport. I feel like the piece that has been missing for so long from my life has been delivered back to me. I even woke up early on Sunday morning to sit on the couch and flick through sports channels, I watched reruns of the rugby, I watched the golf channel I even watched the fishing channel for a while before wonder woman started hinting about shopping to feed the eating machines. With my life almost finally in balance I have the opportunity to be excited about supporting a sport I can actually watch again. Which means that I can fully support a team again and that’s where the problem lies. You see when I support a team they start to lose. For example. When I first started supporting the Lions they were the ultimate rugby team, they won the Currie cup, the Super Ten and they beat a vising England team in one year. As soon as I announced my support they fell apart like leper riding a bicycle down a cobbled street. Being a tenacious supporter, I helped them all the way to the bottom of the log and eventually almost got them kicked out of the super rugby competition. Eventually I had to change my allegiance and after a boys weekend away after great debate I started supporting the blue bulls. They too suffered the same fate, and we watched them plummet to the same depths of despair. Eventually I screwed the sharks over aswell, although I really did a good job on them as they will probably never recover.
So now my friends I am caught in a conundrum, the rugby world cups is only a few short weeks away, I can now watch these games and enjoy them, my heart can join my liver and be free from any cares in the world. The question is who do I openly support? Who gets to stand in the path of the cruciatus curse? I can’t see myself pulling a wallabies jersey over my head and still have friends. I could possibly put on an England shirt in support of my mates that live there, or even in a tactical move, I could actually support New Zealand and possibly tip the favour in the direction of the green and gold…….
In the words of Dr. Shad Helmstetter
“If you were given only one choice: To choose or not to choose, which would you choose?”
My java log files have stopped scrolling so I’m choosing to go back to work.
But I will leave you with this fun time activity and advice: don’t end up becoming the pot plant.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 16, 2020, 01:18:28 am
Some feedback needed please.
So I have finally assembled all of my stories into a book format.
After some research on this matter I have found the following.
"Pocket Books" are normally between 60k and 100k words.
A good length is about 85k words.
Problem is that at the moment I have 110k words so with some additions that I still need to add there will possibly be about 160k so that's good for 2 books (eek) that one person can write so muck kak is scary  :imaposer:
The intention is that one would not sit down and read this cover to cover in an afternoon, my hope is one would read one or two "chapters" a week and then comeback and continue.

The feedback I'm looking for is if you were to name this book what would you call it? I have a name in mind but I don't want to influence you.
I think that some of the stories ended to abruptly or just lacked chutzpah, do you agree?
Which of the stories that you have read are just plain kak.
Thanks in advance for the feedback........

Oh Ja,, one more thing. I would like to print the first part in book format and send it to my parents as a xmas present.



Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on July 16, 2020, 07:06:08 am
Regarding the book - I have zero usable input...sorry. I can be quite useless sometimes.

Regarding the potplant - my buddy says in his next life he won't have kids. Rather a plastic potplant. Just to have a rest...
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: jogi_c on July 16, 2020, 10:00:28 am
Contact @LeonDude , he publishes his own books and can give you some pointers
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 17, 2020, 06:55:20 am
Regarding the book - I have zero usable input...sorry. I can be quite useless sometimes.

Regarding the potplant - my buddy says in his next life he won't have kids. Rather a plastic potplant. Just to have a rest...
:imaposer:

I think thats pretty good advice. I struggle to grow a plant! So its a wonder that my Kids have made it this far.
Being an adult is hard..... I don't wanna any more.......
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Crankshaft on July 17, 2020, 08:36:22 am
 :sip:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ican on July 20, 2020, 08:53:08 pm
Bozo’s Brilliant Bull.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 22, 2020, 09:27:33 pm
https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-SUGAR-Classic-Gummi-Bears/product-reviews/B006J1FBLM

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200722/2b4a75b9933442d53f68a19642314fdc.jpg)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: jaybiker on July 22, 2020, 10:33:37 pm
 :patch: :lol8: :imaposer: :eek7: :lol8: :imaposer: :eek7: :lol8: :imaposer: :eek7: :lol8: :imaposer:
 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 22, 2020, 10:42:11 pm
Bozo’s Brilliant Bull.
Ha Ha Thanks, I will now add it to the ever growing list of....... wait for it.... 2.  :biggrin: :biggrin: ;D
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BigEd on July 23, 2020, 08:36:51 am
https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-SUGAR-Classic-Gummi-Bears/product-reviews/B006J1FBLM

Thanks for this warning - I am diabetic but I love sweets (obviously) and would then go for these sugar free option rather. Seems like a crap idea...

The reviews always let me think of these also on Amazon...

https://www.amazon.com/Cleaners-Pressure-Chemical-Accessories-Upholstery/dp/B07NZX471W/ref=sr_1_7?crid=17HDVV4QDDAQ9&dchild=1&keywords=veet%2Bhair%2Bremoval%2Bcream&qid=1595486219&sprefix=veet%2Caps%2C360&sr=8-7&th=1
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on July 23, 2020, 10:09:09 am
'kin hell that is hilarious!! How on earth did you stumble on that?
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 27, 2020, 07:18:07 am
'kin hell that is hilarious!! How on earth did you stumble on that?
Something Facebooook suggested. :biggrin:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 31, 2020, 05:30:41 am
Its been a heeeeeeektic few weeks with us islanders being unceremoniously re-inserted into lockdown.
To be honest its worse the second time round. The first time you don’t know what to expect, but you know that there is no way around it and you just grit your teeth, close your eyes take it.
The second time is like being repeatedly summoned back to a clumsy thick fingered proctologist, because, “the results were inconclusive”.
Apparently, this is normal, but I think mine is withholding something from me, and, while I’m on the matter, is it normal for the appointments to be held in low light setting after the staff have gone home? (points to ponder one day.)  :-\
Like I said Covid has pretty much screwed everyone over (except for spiderpig) and we are not alone.
Wonder Woman is jobless, Trenticles turns 18 and can’t have a party, I have to smoke rollies (I look like I’m smoking pot) while Spiderpig carries on blissfully in his room, watching henti or some other kak.  :o

AAAANNNNNNNYYYYYYWAAAY. There was the odd job or two that needed to be done around the house and I placed (even though you read placed, understand that it was subtle suggestion and encouragement) Wonder Woman on a single garden improvement project.
I assumed that as soon as my machiavellian plan was put into action all would be right in the world and I could resort to drinking beer in peace.
Initially this unfolded quite well as it kept her mind off the old job and occupied her with things to achieve. (she worked for a cemetery, so it was a dead-end job anyway). She would learn new skills and I got to concentrate on work.
Before I continue I think I need to add some context, not that you need it, but I feel that it would make for a better understanding of how we arrived at this point. ;)

Some time ago Skinny Giant and Bones gave us a “semi-permanent” gazebo that they were taking down.
Trenticles and I had put it up in the back garden but then winter arrived in Melbourne like a surprise running fuck slap, added to that Covid decided to fuck over the rest of 2020 and all plans of socializing, backyard braais and informal parties were given a status of TBD (to be determined).
I had priced getting the floor of the Gazebo area cemented in and after two anal haemorrhaging quotes of $1100 and $2300 we decided that we should look at another plan. This new plan, brought on by the lack of desire to be corn holed by “9 inch bath plug Babba” in a dark back alley, included self-provided labour to dig out the grass below the gazebo in blocks and place them in strategic positions in the rest of the garden…
Easy enough ne’ well yes, but, you need to understand that we struggle to grow anything, the fact that we managed to grow two kids up to this point, is, well, basically it’s a miracle.  :biggrin:
Between myself, Wonder Woman and Trenticles the 4.5 by 3.5-meter area was cleared out and we had large chunks of grass filling holes in the garden that we didn’t even know we had.
All of this was done by hand as we don’t own a wheelbarrow. That was early covid days. Fast-forward about a month and I had laid some spare bricks into the now bare area, so that it “looked” neater, well, it didn’t. 

Ok so now you got the idea? There is a half-done gazebo in the garden that’s an eyesore. Which doesn’t work for the OCD people that live in our tinshack. :pot:
Skinny-Giant and Bones on the other hand were making awesome progress with their garden as it was being transformed from a small cool garden to a “garden & homes” award winning garden.
Skinny-giant’s creative flair and manual labour combined with Bones’s drive (whip) to have a completed garden made our effort and results look like my marks the first six times I wrote accounts 101 in varsity (trust me I didn’t write it six times because I enjoyed the subject).
After consulting the inter-web, you tube and the People from the Mountain, we (Wonder Woman), had a plan to get this area paved with as little cost as possible.
Wonder Woman ordered two Cubic meters of crushed stone for the base (my calculations), we borrowed a wheelbarrow and I purchased some wooden boards for the border at an affordable $5 each.
Our initial outlay in total was approx. $250 and the project was kicked off.

Ever heard of the 5 P’s “Proper planning prevents poor performance”.
Or how about scope creep?
I can manage a biased angry wrestling sharks supporter away from a TV when their team is losing (had lots of practice) I can even talk my way out of a Poesklap in broken Afrikaans but I had no control of the events that transpired on this “simple, little project”

Firstly, 2 Cubic meters of crushed stone was about 1.5 Cubic’s more than what we needed.  :-\
Secondly counting the bricks that we had vs the amount needed was off by about 600 and filling a wheelbarrow with stone at the ripe old age of 44 is a lot harder than you would think.
Wonder Woman painted the planks green, dug the holes and planted them in as borders, she then carted about 1 metric tonne of stones filled, flattened and tamped down the area.
The next step was to pave with the bricks, which she did, which only covered about a 1/3 of the area. Hmm, Now what…
Buying bricks was out of the question, at an average cost of $1.10 a recycled brick. Midnight spares from the construction site next door was a strong contender but their bricks were the wrong size and apparently this kind of shopping is not allowed…
Lucky for us the island has rubbish dumps that they discourage you from using by charging exorbitant prices to dump pretty much anything. What the inhabitants do here to overcome this problem is to advertise their shit on Facebook marketplace. So instead of lying in bed on a Sunday morning we spent 2 hours cruising the hood for 100 bricks, which is cool, but we were still 400 odd bricks short.
And this, dear reader, is where a small project became a series of additional “small” projects.
The pathway that ran along the side of the house, which was in semi-perfect condition, only 5 or 6 bricks needed to be lifted and “reset” was irritating Wonder Woman anyway (OCD MUCH?), had enough bricks so that got used. Which lead to the start of the next Project.

Project 2: Make a garden bed in the open area left from the now non-existing pathway.  That’s not so bad I just pop Back to Bunnings to get more planks. Which will need to be painted etc etc. Oh! we will need some soil to fill that up so we will just take some from the garden bed under the tree. Which means that we now have a place to put the extra stone.

Project 3: Use up the remaining Crushed stone. This means clear out the area under the tree and move the stone under there so it looks good, update the garden bed edge so it matches the rest of the garden… Shit!!! Back to Bunnings to get more planks. We now have a gap…

Project 4: Fill the gap between the now new garden bed and the Gazebo… “Hey a deck would be nice, you know like Skinny Giant and Bones have, We can use the pallets to make it. We just need to make it look neat in the front”. That’s right, you fucken guessed it…back to Effing Bunnings to get more planks. I spend the next Saturday dismantling pallet chairs, pulling out all the nails, there is a shitload of nails in a pallet by the way, cut the wood to the correct size and build a deck.
Whilst giving ourselves a virtual pat on the back for a job well done it was suggested that…

Project 5: We need a fire pit = more bricks. Which led to….

Project 6: “That area doesn’t look need so I’m going to repave that, which will incidentally give us the correct amount bricks we need for project 5”. oh no… guess what… Back to Bunnings to buy, wait for it… More planks…
And possibly,

Project 7. “We need to paint the garden walls”…

As the self-appointed project manager I can report to you the following: projects 1 through 7 are complete,
Wonder Woman has delivered on these projects under trying conditions at best. With the intermittent Melbourne weather and carefully administered nightly doses of wine combined with pain killers for her back and knees.
However, I think that the greatest hardship has been, for both of us, what was once her soft and supple hands are now scarred and calloused to a point where she can’t pick up a woolly blanket for fear of become attached to it like Velcro.
All this time Spiderpig has not risked a single glance out of his technology encrusted cesspit to see what all the fuss is about.
Never, even once, did it cross his teenage bird brain that he should offer help. With greater things to loose than our no pants Monday ritual, I put my hand up and put in my fair share but it’s was dismal compared to her achievement.
Should you be looking for a stolid “do it al”l handy woman, that works hard but tends to make a quick job into something that makes the great wall of china look trivial, I know one.
Don’t be concerned however this one comes with newly acquired skills and at present unlimited spare time.  :pot:
I have attached some before and after photos so we can oooh and ahh over her work.
Try not to be too persnickety when reviewing the photos 😊
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 31, 2020, 05:33:18 am
In closing I felt it only wise to share this depiction of how I see my goals.


One can only hope that for now we are done… but..

“And as the Buddha said: "Hope is merely another face of desire. And desire is a motherfucker”
The Stupidest Angel
Moore, Christopher

Until next time, look after yourselves!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on July 31, 2020, 05:35:57 am
Just putting this out there.......

Me: will you bring me a screwdriver
Her: flathead, phillips or vodka?
It was then I knew she was the one
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on August 03, 2020, 08:03:12 am
I had a chance to help out a guy I have met a few times over the last 4 years on the island.
We have never really chatted but we knew of each other.
You know that friend of a friend scenario.

He had the opportunity to buy an old BMW 650 GS that had been standing in his friends garage for the last 2 years.
I think he managed to get it at a bargain price of $1500, which is not bad seeing as the average price for a bike like that here is about $4000.
He contacted me and asked if i could help him get it started. As he was not sure how or where to start.  :eek7:
I'm not a mechanic but I know enough to be dangerous  ;D :eek7:
We started with removing the battery, hoping that it was not kaput, (it was), sprayed all the bolts with WD40 to soak.
Our plan for the day was to change the oil, oil filter and to drain and refuel the tank.
If we could get the bike to start then we could see if it was worth while to continue.

The Petrol tank was completely dry so we just flushed that out.
The bike has crash bars on it so it was a bit of a mission to remove the sump plug, I was prepared for about 2 liters of oil to drain but we only got about 100ml.
So I suppose its a good thing the battery was flat. As he said he would have taken it for a ride without checking the oil.
After adding about a 900ml of oil we connected the jumper leads and cranked the motor over a few times and added some more oil.
After checking that all the correct bolts were back in place tightened correctly we fired that puppy up and she idled quite happly.

I had to leave after that as we received news that we were entering LEVEL 4 lock down .
He still has some work to do but essentially he bought a bargain and is dead keen for us to go on our first Ride.
I'm super stoked as we got on really well and I think we will get on great. only 6 weeks to wait now.. urgh
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Crankshaft on August 03, 2020, 08:16:47 am
I had a chance to help out a guy I have met a few times over the last 4 years on the island.
We have never really chatted but we knew of each other.
You know that friend of a friend scenario.

He had the opportunity to buy an old BMW 650 GS that had been standing in his friends garage for the last 2 years.
I think he managed to get it at a bargain price of $1500, which is not bad seeing as the average price for a bike like that here is about $4000.
He contacted me and asked if i could help him get it started. As he was not sure how or where to start.  :eek7:
I'm not a mechanic but I know enough to be dangerous  ;D :eek7:
We started with removing the battery, hoping that it was not kaput, (it was), sprayed all the bolts with WD40 to soak.
Our plan for the day was to change the oil, oil filter and to drain and refuel the tank.
If we could get the bike to start then we could see if it was worth while to continue.

The Petrol tank was completely dry so we just flushed that out.
The bike has crash bars on it so it was a bit of a mission to remove the sump plug, I was prepared for about 2 liters of oil to drain but we only got about 100ml.
So I suppose its a good thing the battery was flat. As he said he would have taken it for a ride wiht out checking the oil.
After adding about a 900ml of oil we connected the jumper leads and cranked the motor over a few times and added some more oil.
After checking that all the correct bolts were back in place tightened correctly we fired that puppy up and she idled quite happly.

I had to leave after that as we recieved news that we were entering LEVEL 4 lock down .
He still has some work to do but essentaly he bought a bargan and is dead keen for us to go on our first Ride.
Im super stoked as we got on really well and i think we will get great. only 6 weeks to waint now.. urgh

Lekker lekker,  die laaaang wag is die k@kste deel van alles om weer te kan ry :pot:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: KiLRoy on August 03, 2020, 09:13:01 am
Bozo, try and dip your cookie twice.

Your writing reminds me of Bill Bryson’s

Some of his books were a compilation of short regulars he did for newspapers and magazines. Imo his best writings..

Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: Sam on August 03, 2020, 10:05:43 am
I had a chance to help out a guy I have met a few times over the last 4 years on the island.
We have never really chatted but we knew of each other.
You know that friend of a friend scenario.

He had the opportunity to buy an old BMW 650 GS that had been standing in his friends garage for the last 2 years.
I think he managed to get it at a bargain price of $1500, which is not bad seeing as the average price for a bike like that here is about $4000.
He contacted me and asked if i could help him get it started. As he was not sure how or where to start.  :eek7:
I'm not a mechanic but I know enough to be dangerous  ;D :eek7:
We started with removing the battery, hoping that it was not kaput, (it was), sprayed all the bolts with WD40 to soak.
Our plan for the day was to change the oil, oil filter and to drain and refuel the tank.
If we could get the bike to start then we could see if it was worth while to continue.

The Petrol tank was completely dry so we just flushed that out.
The bike has crash bars on it so it was a bit of a mission to remove the sump plug, I was prepared for about 2 liters of oil to drain but we only got about 100ml.
So I suppose its a good thing the battery was flat. As he said he would have taken it for a ride wiht out checking the oil.
After adding about a 900ml of oil we connected the jumper leads and cranked the motor over a few times and added some more oil.
After checking that all the correct bolts were back in place tightened correctly we fired that puppy up and she idled quite happly.

I had to leave after that as we recieved news that we were entering LEVEL 4 lock down .
He still has some work to do but essentaly he bought a bargan and is dead keen for us to go on our first Ride.
Im super stoked as we got on really well and i think we will get great. only 6 weeks to waint now.. urgh

Apparently quite an art to getting the oil level right on those bikes - it's a dry sump. The model specific threads here should have some pointers.....
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on August 03, 2020, 04:43:37 pm
The bike has crash bars on it so it was a bit of a mission to remove the sump plug, I was prepared for about 2 liters of oil to drain but we only got about 100ml.

BOZO stoppie lorrie!!!! :o
The rest of the 2.1 litres of oil is in the oil tank under the left side cover!!!! Keep on sidestand take cover off and remove nut at bottom of the tank. Use small funnel and 2 litre plastic bottle.
By adding 900 ml's of oil you have now overfilled the bike.

OK all depending if that 650 is a 2000 and newer model and not a old Funduro.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on August 03, 2020, 10:34:19 pm
Bozo, try and dip your cookie twice.

Your writing reminds me of Bill Bryson’s

Some of his books were a compilation of short regulars he did for newspapers and magazines. Imo his best writings..
Thanks Kilroy, Much Appreciated.
I will read some of his stuff, who knows, it may inspire me!

 :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on August 03, 2020, 10:49:26 pm
The bike has crash bars on it so it was a bit of a mission to remove the sump plug, I was prepared for about 2 liters of oil to drain but we only got about 100ml.

BOZO stoppie lorrie!!!! :o
The rest of the 2.1 litres of oil is in the oil tank under the left side cover!!!! Keep on sidestand take cover off and remove nut at bottom of the tank. Use small funnel and 2 litre plastic bottle.
By adding 900 ml's of oil you have now overfilled the bike.

OK all depending if that 650 is a 2000 and newer model and not a old Funduro.


Thanks I forgot to mention that I followed this guys instructions.
http://www.weatherimagery.com/blog/changing-oil-bmw-650-gs/ (http://www.weatherimagery.com/blog/changing-oil-bmw-650-gs/)
When I removed the bolt on the tank it was dry.
It was also pretty dry when we changed the oil filter.
After putting in the oil and cranking the engine over the little window that shows the oil was at about half.
Below is a picture of the bike (in bits) and the total amount of oil drained.  :o
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS on August 03, 2020, 10:54:06 pm
OK looks like a 2000 model Dakar. :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on August 03, 2020, 11:00:40 pm
OK looks like a 2000 model Dakar. :thumleft:
PHEW!!! :thumleft:
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: big oil on August 04, 2020, 04:24:43 am
Back in ought 9, when my ought 9 R1200GSA was in the shop for one of its issues  :xxbah:, I was provided with an ought 9 650GS.

Although I looked like a circus bear on a mountain bike riding it, what a delightful little bike to ride.

Good on ya fur helping a brutha out, Bozo, I'm down widdit, you no dats right!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: roxenz on August 04, 2020, 06:41:12 am
BOZO, so you learned one of life's great cohabiting lessons...  A woman with time on her hands will spend it thinking up things for YOU to do.
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on August 04, 2020, 06:42:39 am
 :laughing4: :laughing4: too true!!!
Title: Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
Post by: BOZO on August 05, 2020, 07:50:46 am
This story is quite an old story, that I have not written about, out of respct for the dead, but wonder woman has been asked me repeatedly to write about it and share.

The day started like any other, we are on the island, palm trees are waving their fronds gently in the arctic breeze, a flock of Galaha’s  pass overhead screeching their banshee call.
Its Friday arvo, I’m about to crack open a Victoria Bitter and plan the weekend activities of mowing the lawn and washing the car.  8)
When I get a call from Wonder Woman ,who was on her way home from work, that her mom had unfortunately passed away from cancer. That foul unseen daemon had claimed her second parent in as many years.  :'(
She was now an orphan and understandably heartbroken. I’m not experienced in handling this kind of grief, and even though I was feeling my own it was obviously not even close to what she was going through.  >:(
So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I called her friend BurntWild and told her the sad news. She wanted to know what she should bring round to which I answered “wine and support”. 
Eventually Wonder Woman arrived at home along with BurntWild and tears were shed until there was no more. We had by now informed Trenticles and Spiderpig and they joined us sitting outside reminiscing as one does, which lifted the mood.
Due to the circumstances we allowed Trenticles to partake in the consumption of acholic beverages, I know not very good parenting skills, but hey, what are you going to do.
The wine was flowing and the stories were coming thick and fast. Trenticles believing that he was a seasoned drinker was now onto the whiskeys and was finding it more and more difficult to sit on the chair, until eventually, he passed out on the grass.  :-[
I carried his limp body off to bed providing a bucket along with strict instructions to use it when necessary. All this time the ladies were sitting outside consuming wine and smoking my cigarettes.
At some stage, it must have been about 12:30 that night, the smokes were out and the general consensus was that we needed more.
With the three of us in no condition to drive I volunteered to go down to the local servo to get some more. Hell it was only two kilometres away. A little too far to walk, but close enough for a short bicycle ride.
Many years ago I was conned into riding the 94.7 km bicycle race which I completed, but did not enjoy, thinking back, I rode that race on a mountain bike that was too small for me and in cleats that were tight like ballet shoes which were not suited for the 40km that I walked.  ;D
Not that that particular story has anything to do with this one, beyond the fact that you understand my mind set when I said I would ride Spiderpig’s bicycle the measly two kilometres to the servo to buy smokes.
Armed with my wallet, I donned a thin jacket to ward off the wintery breeze, slops to protect the soft undersoles of my feet and some bravado to save the day, I mounted spiderpig’s manual powered two wheeled steed and set off. 
I managed to get to the stop street some thirty meters away, when I turned around to fetch a helmet.
In that moment of wisdom I realized that my blood was saturated with enough fermented barley and hops that it was impairing the ability for the synapses that fire continuously in my head to my ears to keep balance were slightly slower than my believed ability to ride a bicycle like that one balled tour de France winner Lance Armstrong.
All I could find in the darkened cupboard was a light blue kids helmet that would fit a five year old perfectly.
If you have forgotten what I look like, or we have never met, and dont know how big my head actually is, take a standard peak cap, the ones with the plastic thingys at the back that you use to get the correct size and only connect the last two holes, that’s tight on my head. Essentially I look like a lemon on a toothpick.  O0
Now that I was attired in all of the required safety gear for the Victorian Road Bicycle Riding Association (VRBRA) I was ready to go.
The first three hundred meters went pretty well, I was riding on the walkway, it was relatively flat and luckily for me devoid of any people.
Although I was swerving from side to side I found that if I picked up speed I was a little more stable.  The next three hundred meters were used to build my confidence and even though my thighs were stating to burn a touch I kept the end goal in mind and forged onward. Besides, the last kilometre was downhill, and I would be able to rest my heaving blackened lungs and aching thighs.
I turned the corner and waaaaaaaay down the hill I could see the servo. This is where shit went from potentially being a triumphant hero to zero.
I was starting to collect speed as one does when you put a lemon-headed 103kg frame on a freewheeling two wheeled steed downhill.
What I had not taken into account on my pathway to glory was that there were obstacles that I had not previously taken note of.
The first one was a tree, that, undercover of darkness, surreptitiously lowered its branches as I approached at near light speed. Had my eyes not been filled with tears of anticipated praise I would have noticed it and ducked my head.
This oxygen producing life sustaining wooden behemoth decided that it was not moving, and, in a game of chicken it was going to win.
For the duration of my ride, up until that very moment, I had not needed the breaks.
I was blissfully unaware of their state of disrepair and their total lack of use until I pulled them. 
My moment of discovery coincided with me, squeezing my hardest on a useless piece of steel, and, connecting my noggin with the lowest branch of said slow moving carbon based life form causing me to lose my impromptu game of chicken and balance.  :ricky:
At this point I would like to thank the VRBRA and the inventor of polyurethane based helmets, without it I may be a bit shorter than I am today and drool when I talk.
I would also like to bring to your attention the uncanny ability alcohol gives your body to bend into shapes only a master yoga instructor can do after years of burning incense, ringing little bells and bodily contortionisim.
There I was lying prone on the walkway staring at the spinning phosphorus street light wondering how wise my decisions were that I had made in my life.
The most recent being, volunteering to purchase tobacco in the middle of the night, on a mechanical device I swore to never ride again.  :xxbah:
However, my journey to glory was nearly complete and being mindful that a job half done is no job done at all. This was all the motivation I needed to continue.
Instead of getting up and pushing the steel wheeled speed machine the rest of the way I jumped back on and continued. In that short time, of lying prone and giving myself a pep talk, I had forgotten about the breaking ability of my ride and rode directly into an different low-lying bush a mere 20 meters away.  :biggrin:
The rest of the downhill trip was slower as I wore away my slop heels out dragging them on the floor to overcome the effects of something that Sir Isaac Newton discovered so many years ago.
Not to be out done by Isaac, Galileo Galilei, also wanted to get in on the game and reintroduced me to acceleration, or more importantly in this story, deceleration, and that acceleration is the delta of velocity divided by time.
Velocity is distance covered over time, blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda fish paste. If this is a bit to sciencey for you here is a laymen explanation of the end result.
In a practical application of this is, the higher the speed the and the shorter the stop the more pain one feels.
Or, in my experience, a pumpkin headed 103 kg screaming mass can be stopped instantly by a simple leafy mass of wood bringing on aches and pains that last longer than you would think.
In the 15 minutes it had taken me to complete my now epic journey to the servo, not once, did it cross my mind that it was 01:00 in the morning and that there was a possibility that it would be closed.
Only until I walked up to the automatic doors did it dawn on me that something was wrong.  :o
They remained incongruously closed like the legs on an unwilling choir boy in a catholic church, or, as I’m sure by now you have experienced, a bottle store in South Africa during a covid pandemic lockdown.  :pot:
There I was, alone, my thighs and heels on fire, blood seeping from various abrasions in a patchwork all over my body with no reward for my downhill redbull adventure ride. 
My efforts had sobered me up to a degree where I realized that the trip was only half way done and I still had to return home, mostly uphill, empty handed.
My thoughts of being the hero of the night were dashed, as well as wondering how spiderpig was still alive.
He rode that steel death-trap to school daily, across and next to one of the busiest roads in the south east of Melbourne.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I pushed that thing to the top of the hill before I mounted it again.
On my slog up the hill, questions like “How long had they not worked? Why did he not ask me to fix them?” bounced around in vast open space that occupies the inside of my head.
These questions, as important as they were, were only going to get answered once I returned home. Which went well, until I got there and, promptly remembered, too late again, that the breaks did not work, and rode into the gate, at, full, tilt…
I had been away for almost an hour, so understandably the ladies were a little concerned at my lack of presence and were, relieved when they heard me returning.
They were looking forward to being replenished with smokes and someone to refill their wineglasses. However when I rounded the corner, they went from mild concern to surprise back to mild concern which developed into full blown laughter.
There I was, still heaving from the exertion and unable to talk due a croaky throat brought on by a thirst great enough to suck an airlock into a hosepipe. One slop missing, bloody patches seeping through my shorts and shirt, a tiny shiny blue helmet sitting askew on my garga