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Author Topic: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.  (Read 9380 times)

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Offline jaybiker

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The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« on: June 10, 2017, 03:28:00 pm »
A man is sitting in a bar eyeing a big glass jar on the bar counter filled with 10 dollar notes. He estimates there must be at least ten thousand in there, so he asks the barman, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"It's a dare, if you want to try it, put in your ten bucks, and I'll tell you the three challenges you must complete to win all the money in the jar. So, he puts in his money and says "Okay, what do I have to do?"

"Right, first you have to drink down a whole litre of tequila, without stopping,and without pulling a face, within sixty seconds. Next, outside in the yard is an angry pitbull chained up. He's got a raging toothache, and you have to remove his bad tooth with your bare hands. After that, there's a 90 year old lady upstairs, who has never had sex, so your final task is to take care of that problem.
But don't get any ideas about tackling Grandma first. The tasks have to be completed in the order given."

The guy says, "Forget it, I've been stupid enough to gamble ten bucks, but the tequila, and the pitbull, uh - uh, no way Jose.

A few drinks later however, and greed begins to over rule common sense, until he finally says, "Okay then, where's the tequila?"

Grabbing the bottle he glugs down the lot and slams down the bottle, a few tears in his eyes, but his face deadpan, in just fifty-eight seconds.

He then staggers out into the back yard. From outside come the  terrifying sounds of snarling, growling, shrieking, and ripping cloth, then...........silence. The people think he must be dead for sure.

But next thing, the doors burst open and he staggers back in, torn, bleeding, and virtually naked with a few shreds of clothing hanging from him.

"Right", he cries, "Now where's this old chick with the bad tooth?"
Succumb not to the erosion of those born of unconsecrated union.

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Offline BMWPE

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2017, 03:32:19 pm »
 :laughing4:
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Offline Gérrard

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2017, 11:04:06 am »
Some people appear to be bright, until the speak... that's because light travels faster than sound.
...dis nooit te laat om n happy childhood te he nie !

Build a sidecar they said. It will be fun they said. Ja-nee !
 

Offline Pistonpete

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2017, 11:12:05 am »
 ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''
'Routine is the thief of time'
 

Offline fixit

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2017, 11:28:54 am »
 :lol8:
Happiness is not getting what you want, but appreciating  what you already have.
 

Offline Odd Dog

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2017, 12:44:42 pm »
How do you save a Quad rider from drowning?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take your foot off his head.
If You're going through hell, keep going.
 

Offline Pistonpete

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2017, 01:37:48 pm »
Ou Koos stap in Spar in om vir hom hoender te koop.
Hy kry dit nie; en kan tot die dood nie onthou wat is 'n hoender in engels nie.
Desperaat gryp hy 'n boksie eiers, loop na die kassiere toe en vra:
"Where is their mother?"
'Routine is the thief of time'
 
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Offline Pistonpete

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2017, 03:02:02 pm »
 ;D
'Routine is the thief of time'
 

Offline Pistonpete

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2017, 10:22:29 am »
Hold thumbs for me- I am on my way to the bank and if things work out, it will be life changing - I'm talking big money!!



So excited that I can hardly get this f***g stocking over my head!!
'Routine is the thief of time'
 

Offline Pistonpete

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2017, 07:41:35 am »
I just talked to a friend, who lives in Miami regarding Hurricane Irma. He told me that it has started raining copiously since last night and the sea level has risen considerably. Between the accumulated water and the one that continues falling, already reaching a height of 6.50 m, and in addition there are hurricane winds with bursts of up to 160 km / hour.
The situation is hopeless.
He told me that his wife had been looking through the window all day, holding her face worried, then distressed, and now desperate.
He also told me that if the weather does not improve and it gets worse, there is no other choice but to let her in ...
'Routine is the thief of time'
 

Offline trevo

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2017, 07:48:19 am »
Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open,.......................................he went back the following day for a refund.
DILLIGAF
 

Offline Pistonpete

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2017, 10:44:20 am »
I need advice asap. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind my boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket??? Plz any help would be appreciated as I had planned to go fishing this weekend!!
'Routine is the thief of time'
 

Offline dual

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2017, 07:09:33 pm »
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.  Paddy ordered a whisky.  The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.  He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
 

Offline Offshore

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2017, 07:49:46 pm »
I need advice asap. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind my boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket??? Plz any help would be appreciated as I had planned to go fishing this weekend!!
You can consider yourself lucky that you picked this up before something serious could happen, seems you got two cracks that need your Attention.
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Offline Oubones

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2017, 07:54:24 pm »
I need advice asap. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind my boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket??? Plz any help would be appreciated as I had planned to go fishing this weekend!!
You can consider yourself lucky that you picked this up before something serious could happen, seems you got two cracks that need your Attention.
Nope, the one crack has already been attended too! :peepwall: :imaposer:
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Offline Herklaas

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2017, 09:22:03 pm »
Yamaha 50, Yamaha 400, 2 x Yamaha DR 350 LC, Honda CBX 550 F2, Honda TransAlp 650, Triumph Tiger 800 Xc,
Now 2015 Triumph Tiger 800 Xcx.and.. my favorite... 1996 Yamaha Tenere 660 5 valve single.And, the latest 1989 Yamaha Super Tenere 750.
 

Offline Pistonpete

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #16 on: November 27, 2017, 09:00:19 pm »
Where would we be without SatNav..
'Routine is the thief of time'
 

Offline Eendstop

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2017, 08:15:32 am »
2SD......
Thought so, tough behind a keyboard, but no balls.......
 

Offline Dux

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2018, 02:06:53 pm »
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.

The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them.

I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
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Offline edgy

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2018, 02:13:55 pm »
 :imaposer:
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 BEER..."I drink it when I`m happy or when I`m sad. I drink it when I`m alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. Trifle with it if I`m not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it - unless I`m thirsty"
 
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