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Offline Grunder

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #40 on: May 31, 2018, 02:00:11 pm »
One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. ...We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed  and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times..'   
the Truth will offend at first
 

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #41 on: May 31, 2018, 09:06:48 pm »
 :laughing4: :laughing4:
Rallye
 
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Offline Dux

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #42 on: July 16, 2018, 01:11:32 pm »
An Israeli Doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testices, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German Doctor says: "Thats nothing. In Germany we take part of the brain, put it into another man, and in 4 weeks, he is out looking for work."

The Russian Doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take out half the heart from a man, put it into another mans chest, and in 2 weeks, he is out looking for work."

The South African Doctor laughs:"You are all behind us 10 years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him president. Now the whole Country is out looking for work."


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

President Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation. He said that he felt that the isis terrorists were just in the Junior Varsity league, and that we would be able to destroy them with ease. He also reminded the audience that he felt heartbreak over Micheal Brown being killed and sent his deepest sympathies to his parents. He felt justified that millions of dollars of taxpayers money was used to send 40 FBI Agents to investigate the Ferguson shooting.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native Americans standard of living. He referred to his time in the Senate and how he voted on every American Native issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although President Obama was very vague about the details of his plans, seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of the speech. The Tribes presented Obama with a plaque that was inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of Chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the president.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird that is so full of shit, it can no longer fly

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Obama to the Queen of England:
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient Government? Are there tips you can give me?"

"Well " said the Queen "The most important thing is to surround you with intelligent people."

Obama frowned and then asked: "But how do you know if the people around you really are intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of Champagne. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom: ""Please send Tony Blair in here will you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said: "Yes, your Majesty."

The Queen smiled and said: "Answer this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child, its not your brother its not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answered: "That would be me."


"Yes, very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe "teeth" Biden the same question.

Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. Its not your brother, its not your sister. Who is it?"

"Im not sure" said Biden "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, biden then went to go work out in the Congressional Gym and saw Paul Ryan there. Biden went up to Ryan and asked him: "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question: "Your mother and father have a child. Its not your brother its not your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered: "That's easy, its me."

Biden smiled and said: "Good answer Paul."

Biden then went back to speak to Obama. "Say,I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. Its Paul Ryan."

Obama got up and stomped over to Biden and angrily yelled into his face: "NO,YOU IDIOT, its Tony Blair.

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Offline Grunder

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #43 on: July 16, 2018, 03:37:29 pm »
The fireman responds to a fire at an apartment building during the night

He finds a lady on the roof only in her underwear.

Fireman: " You are the 3rd pregnant lady I have rescued this month"
Lady: " But I am not pregnant"
Fireman: "I haven't saved you yet"

 :biggrin:
the Truth will offend at first
 

Offline pwt

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #44 on: September 13, 2018, 07:16:25 pm »
The Gauteng Lions Rugby Club manager flies to Baghdad to watch some young Iraqis
playing rugby and is suitably impressed by one of them.
He arranges for him to come over to South Africa.
Two months later the Lions are 18-6 down to the Stormers with only 20 minutes left
to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi winger the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 4 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for the
Lions. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and
the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mom to tell her about his first
day in Super 15 Rugby. "Hello Mom, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes
today, and we were 18-6 down but I scored 4 tries and we won! Everybody loves me,
the fans, the media, they all love me!"
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot and
wounded in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed and beaten; your
brother has joined a gang of looters and all the while you were having such a great
time playing rugby"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mom, but I am so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" shrieks his mom, "It's your fault that we all moved to
Johannesburg in the first place!"
 

Offline Grunder

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #45 on: September 13, 2018, 07:36:11 pm »
Ek bel vandag Loftus Versveld kantoor en vra die vrou wat antwoord of daar nog plek is vir Springbokke teen die All Blacks se game in October. Sy s toe vir my. "Ja Meneer. Watse posisie speel jy?"

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Offline windswept

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #46 on: September 14, 2018, 12:02:42 pm »
 :ricky:
 

Offline Wayne

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #47 on: December 18, 2018, 01:03:01 pm »
A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;  buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

 If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

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Offline 1ougat

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #48 on: December 18, 2018, 01:55:21 pm »
 :laughing4:
Make mine a Boxer with a shaft!!!!
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Offline Wayne

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #49 on: December 22, 2018, 03:07:45 pm »
 

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Offline Meteor

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #50 on: January 01, 2019, 09:10:40 pm »
One day a man decided to retire...
 He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
 He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
 In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
 She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
 "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
 "Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
 "But, where did you get the tools?"
 "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "
 On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 The guy is stunned.
 "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

 While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
 Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
 "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
 "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

 Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

 No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
 "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

 When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
 "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
 She stares into his eyes.

 He can't believe what he's hearing.
 "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
 "You've built a Motorcycle?
 

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #51 on: January 02, 2019, 06:49:44 am »
 :laughing4: :laughing4:
Rallye
 

Offline Odd Dog

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #52 on: January 02, 2019, 04:52:32 pm »
Typical!
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Offline Wayne

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #53 on: January 03, 2019, 10:09:38 am »
 

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Offline Edgar

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #54 on: January 30, 2019, 04:32:28 pm »
 :lol8:
 

Offline Wayne

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #55 on: February 03, 2019, 11:52:14 am »
 
May the best of your today be the worst of your tomorrow.
 

Offline mox

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Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #56 on: March 09, 2020, 11:42:18 am »
Who's the safest people to be around during the COVID-19 outbreak - your barman
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Offline Platte

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #57 on: March 28, 2020, 01:47:07 pm »
Jy moet dit lees, my gesig het nou n massa lagplooie bygekry.

Ek weet nie wie die verteller van hierdie storie is nie. Dit het soos baie met n naamlose Whatsapp by my gedraai.

Wat ek wel kon agterkom is dat die man van Standerton af kom.

Ek het dit geniet. As jy die skrywer van hierdie storie is, doen so voort. Jy vertel prente. Skryf volgende keer net jou naam by.

CHEMIESE OORLOGVOERING

In die vroe 1990s,  word ek vroeg een oggend wakker geklop deur een van my veewagters.

Hy hou versigtig sy toegevoude boshoed na my uit. Toe ek die boshoed oopmaak was daar n baba muishondjie binne in.

So het ons avonture met Loopy begin.

Sy was te dierbaar. Sy het as een van die gesin grootgeword. n Vriendelike, spelerige ou dingetjie.

Die Boerboel, Bruno, en die Worshond, Chappies, was haar grootste maats.

Alhoewel baie mense my gewaarsku het oor die muishond se bekendste wapen, het ek oudergewoonte my gat aan hulle afgevee.

Loopy het nooit van haar chemiese arsenaal gebruik gemaak nie. Trouens, ek het gedink dat sy al vergeet het dat sy oor so iets beskik het.

n Goeie vriend van my ,Dirk het een Saterdagmiddag kom kuier. Dirk se grootste liefde was Red Heart Rum, gevolg deur vuurwapens.(Ken iemand die Dirk, klink of hy in Charlie Kompanie was).

Hy het n ou haelgeweer, van die tipe wat nog hane gehad het, saamgebring. Ons het op die geelhout riempiesbank op die stoep gesit.

Loopy het oudergewoonte op haar kussing bo op die bank rustig gel en slaap. Dirk wou die haelgeweer uittoets met AAA patrone.

Ek het hom gekeer en vir hom 2 haelpatrone gegee waarvan die haelkorrels verwyder was. Hy het die geweer gelaai, die hane teruggetrek en die sneller gedruk.

Absoluut niks het gebeur nie. Hy het dit drie of vier keer gedoen en die geweer wou nog steeds nie afgaan nie. Ek het toe die huis ingegaan om vir ons vloeibare verversings te kry.

Terwyl ek weg was het Dirk weer die haelgeweer gelaai, die keer met die bokhael patrone. Ons het rustig gesels toe Dirk weer die haelgeweer optel, na die sinkdak mik en die snellers druk.

Die resultaat . . . .  TOTALE CHAOS !!!!!

Die feit dat hy die sinkdak moer toe geskiet het was die minste van ons probleme. Dinge het toe teen ligspoed gebeur.

Loopy het met n weersinswekkende kreet opgestyg, soos n tol in die rondte gespin en haar chemiese wapen in die oortreffende trap in werking gestel. Mense, dit was verskriklik.

Toe die eerste sarsie my tref, het ek onwillekeurig oor die stoep muur geduik en die grond snoet eerste getref. Bruno, die Boerboel het opgespring en tjankend teen die stoep muur vasgehardloop.

Hy het terselfdertyd n reuse aanval van gippo-guts gekry. Chappies, die worshond, het n perfekte pirouette uitgevoer, gevolg deur n agteroor somersault wat hom n goue medalje op enige Olimpiese spele sou laat wen het.

Dirk het geskok opgespring, gegly op Brno se stront, en die sementvloer met n dowwe slag getref. Hy het toe blitsvinnig die trappe afgeseil. Dirk, ek en die twee honde het in n toestand van totale, absolute skok op die grasperk hergroepeer.

Mense, die persoon wat daardie stank op papier kan bewoord is nog nie gebore nie. Dit was onbeskryfbaar. Dit het geruik asof elke sweetgaatjie wat jy het in n dooie rot verander het.

Ons het bewend van skok en ongeloof op die grasperk gestaan. Trane van verontwaardiging en selfbejammering het oor ons wange gerol.

Die honde het so gebewe en geruk dat ek enige oomblik verwag het dat hul gaan beswyk. Hulle was te bang om genoeg asem te skep om te tjank.

My vrou het die deur oopgeruk en dadelik weer toegeslaan. Sy het twee oorpakke en n blok seep deur die ruit in ons rigting geslinger en ons duidelik in kennis gestel dat ons nie die huis sou betree alvorens ons die stank afgewas het nie.

Op daardie stadium het Loopy, met haar kenmerkend oulike draffie, die trappe afgekom om te kom kyk waaroor die bohaai gaan. Die honde het  vreesbevange en tjankend, stert tussen die bene, koers gekies skaapkraal toe.

Dit was die eerste keer in my lewe dat ek gesien het dat n Boerboel net so vinnig, indien nie vinniger, as n Windhond kon beweeg.

Ek en Dirk het met n spoed die Akkerboom bestyg. Loopy het gelukkig omgedraai en haar middagslapie op die bank gaan hervat. Ons het toe, redelik haastig , na die sink dam toe beweeg om die stank af te was.

Dit was winter in Standerton. Die water was net-net bo vriespunt. Dit het ons geensins gepla nie. Ons het ingeduik en dadelik begin was. Dit het nie baie gehelp nie.

Ek dink dat n rioolplaas soos Old Spice deodorant in vergelyking met ons sou geruik het.

Die honde, wat redelik skrikkerig was vir water, het instinktief besef dat indien hulle wou oorleef, ook sou moes bad. Hulle het toe ook in die dam ingespring.

Nadat ons gewas en aangetrek het, wou ons die huis binnegaan. Die Riller, met wie ek op daardie stadium getroud was, het volstrek geweier.

James, wat in die tuin gewerk het, het die klerasie wat ons ten tyde van die aanval aangehad het, op n hoop gehark, met diesel deurweek en aan die brand gesteek.

Ons het toe maar besluit om in die skeerskuur te gaan slaap. Gewapen met n sak stronke, n swanniebraaier, pak wors en n bottel mampoer, het ons onsself maar tuisgemaak in die stoor.

Dit was n droewige en onvergeetlike nag. As die koue ons nie wakker gehou het nie, was dit die stank of die honde se nagmerrie oor die dag se gebeure.

Ons het vroeg die volgende oggend weer in die sink dam gespring. Hierdie keer het dit darem gehelp.

Loopy het, dankie tog, tot haar afsterwe, nooit weer haar chemiese wapentuig benut nie.

Ek, Dirk en die honde het haar tot haar einde toe, met 'n nuwe respek, gekoppel met 'n doodse vrees, bejen . . . . . . .🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
 
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Offline dual

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #58 on: March 28, 2020, 07:25:13 pm »
Koos went hunting one day and shot two Springbok.He loaded them onto the back of his bakkie and was driving home when
stopped by a Fauna and Flora warden who did not like hunters.

The warden ordered Koos to show him his hunting licence, which was duly produced. Then the warden lifted the covers off the bakkie and stuck his nose into one of the bucks' anus.

"Haaikona this is not a local Springbok. It's from the Free State and you need a Free State licence to kill it. Do you have one?"

Koos opened the cubby and produced one.

Not happy the warden sniffed the anus of the other animal and gleefully shouted: "This one is from Lesotho. Do you have a Lesotho licence?"

Koos went back to his cubby and produced a Lesotho licence.

The warden was very agitated and shouted: "Where the hell do you come from?"

Koos smiled, turned around, dropped his pants to his ankles, bent forward and said:

"Ruik self jou moer .......jy's mos die expert!"
 

Offline Rooikoos

Re: The NEW any-day-of-the-week joke.
« Reply #59 on: March 29, 2020, 08:12:02 am »
 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: