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Author Topic: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga  (Read 11866 times)

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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #20 on: August 14, 2019, 11:55:42 pm »
Not unlike Tom Hanks in the movie Robinson Crusoe or something like that, I am also on what’s classified as an island (to spiderpig anyway).
My sons have nick names that change from time to time the youngest max (11 at the time i think is called spiderpig) :snorting:

I have to admit that I don’t have a flat volleyball with a bloody hand print for company, but, I do have a cell phone and WhatsApp. He never had to worry about a time zone difference where I have to remember that there is a 8 hour time difference. Talk about first world problems.

So where to start. I suppose that we could start at the beginning but that would just be boring.


Our Arrival here was an experience that I don’t think I will forget for a long time. We / I hired a room in a house, now I don’t know what I was thinking but I suppose that a room in a house really just is a room in a house. We had to share a bathroom with the owner of the house and that’s all that was available. He was a nice enough guy if you are vegetarian and can talk about anything under the sun for at least 5 minutes at a time. We took forever to leave in the mornings as he would be there chatting away. (in retrospect I think he was bored shitless and would talk to a retard all day if he had the chance. Nikki did however motivate him to do stuff I can’t remember what it was but he seemed quite happy when we left 5 days later.

 

Now everyone says that there is no crime here, well let me tell you it’s not the crime you know. There is a different kind of crime here, let me explain.

So I’m looking to buy a second hand family car, one that can fit a family that is generally larger than your average Aussie, and when I say larger, superior, grander, I mean height and weight*.

Now in AUS you can’t buy a stock standard 1.8 family car second hand, you can buy a Toyota Camry V6 3.0L, a Holden battleship V6 3.0L, a station wagon longer than a cricket pitch and if you really want to spend some money well then you can get a CHEVY Monster V8 with all the bells and whistles.

Aannnnnyyyway, So there we are looking for a stock standard family sedan and we can’t get anything smaller than the spaceship used to tow the sun closer earth 10 billion years ago. Our Sales guy Gary has already spotted that the wife is a soft target and asks all the right questions like, Do you like automatic? Do you find that white and silver cars are easy to clean? How Tall are Max and Trent?

Then he shows us a Suzuki SX4 (sport model ) and we (its) are sold. It’s a family sedan, not a stock standard one but at least you don’t need a code 10 to reverse it and do a U turn, it does however have a 2.0 L engine that’s been tuned to eat tyres and scare the panties off young impressionable ladies. It’s got quick shifters (flappy paddles on the steering), cruise control, automatic and its silver, this is one hot car.

Now here is the CRIME.

You can’t go faster than 60km/h and in some areas at certain times of the day you can only go 40km/h. So what’s the point of having a pretty cool car with flappy paddles that you can’t use?

Another Crime is the price of beer, Surely there should be some kind of discount for the poor? $6 for a pint. Convert that at R11 and you are paying R66 for one beer and that’s the cheapest one!!!. (lucky it’s not 13 to one, my multiplication skills run out at 12 times table).

All the kids here need a lesson in how to tuck in their shirts, pull up their socks and get a haircut also Aussies are clearly poor as the girls can only afford long shirts and no pants.

The schools look pretty cool however and everyone is relaxed as school seems to start whenever you feel like going, I see kids walking around all the time.

So like Tom Hanks I have also encountered hardships on this island. Like not having Gas for 2 days. This means that there is no hot water, and its COLD. Like really cold. Bouncing around trying to wash your neither regions with an ice block is not fun trust me.  Then we get gas and I can’t turn on the cooker at the top. (cant light the fire) I had to get hold of someone in Port Elisabeth to help.

We have hired a Unit in Sandringham (address redacted)  :ricky: in case you feel you need to send wine, beer or whiskey.

It’s in a nice place and its 2km from the beach, the schools are less than 1 Km away so the kids can easily walk there and back. The house is small but then all the houses are small unless you are a multi multi multi millionaire.

We will take some time to get used to the smaller place but I’m sure that we will be comfortable. I can’t tell you what the TV is like as I don’t even have a couch. But I can tell you that you don’t get a “pub” that you can pop in an have a quick beer. There are these small gambling places where you can watch footy/ horse / dog racing, there you can have a beer @ $6. Or alternately collect straws and join them together and wait till your neighbor goes for a piss then sneak a quick sip…


There is lots more to say and I will send you updates as soon a I have internet at home hopefully Thursday or Friday.
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #21 on: August 15, 2019, 12:02:25 am »
Not Aus but close enough…  check the number of you and me's. 650 every month  :deal:

https://businesstech.co.za/news/lifestyle/321947/this-is-how-many-south-africans-are-moving-to-new-zealand-every-month/

Saffers in foreign countties
210 000 in UK
190 000 in Aus
100 000 in US
  60 000 in NZ
This I'm afraid is not very accurate. What about the thousands of people who leave under the radar. The SA government has no idea I left, similarly a lot of other people I know..

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How do you leave under the radar ?

I stand corrected but I believe that SA only counts you as immigrated if you have financially immigrated. if you are still submitting a tax return in SA you have not immigrated....
If you have left and you have not told them that you are financially immigrating, and you have not submitted a tax return.. ???... I Noah guy that can advise you,,,,
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Offline Mr Zog

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #22 on: August 15, 2019, 01:52:21 am »
Following  :lol8:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #23 on: August 15, 2019, 12:56:28 pm »
So we are entering into day 13 on the island and I’m still alive.

I have met the peeps from work and everyone is mighty friendly, I’m also the Dumbest employee they have.  Maby that’s why they are friendly? (be nice to the slow kid scenario).

So I’m sure that you are wondering why I say that.

Everyone knows that Joke about Pilots and Engineers.

How do you know you are sitting next to a Pilot/ Engineer in a Bar?

He will tell you.

 

Ok to be fair.  No-one in the office has actually told me that they are engineers but I have had all the South Africans call me and tell me. (Daniel , Herman and Marius)

Lucky for me I can now say that I have more than just a matric. (LOL)

On that.

The actual Australian contingent in my office could not be any more removed from the mainland. There is a lot of “ hey guy” , “konnichiwa”  and “ how you doing hey” going on , there is no “Dumela” or “ sowubona” happening which is still odd.  It’s also odd to see a white oke clean the office.

 

Our Admin Guy Jakie Chan (I’m not shitting you) is a beaut. He treats me like I’m really slow. When we did a tour of the office it went like this.

JC: Gday mate’

BK: Howsit.

JC: har har har ,howsit. No Worries mate.

JC: I go take u on toor of office now, you come now.

BK: ok cool

JC: Here is you desk, here is you chair, you sit in chair, work at desk ok?

BK: ok? (looks around and checks to make sure that when we landed in Aussie my arms didn’t stretch so that my knuckles don’t pass my knees, decided to stand up straighter)

JC: You now come to kitchen, her is kit-chen, here is water boiler (kettle) to make water hot. here is sandwidh squasher (snackwedge machine). Here is sink to wash dish.

BK: cool (glances round to see if this is a Joke)


Anyway you get the idea. We took 25 minutes to tour an office the size of my bar.

 

Most of the questions I get from the other people are. Mate where are you from in South Africa? And is that close to cape town?

 

Fat People…… Well to be honest you don’t see many fat people. I think it’s because they are very active, they walk everywhere and spend lots of time outside.

I really need to buy a warmer outfit, when I go outside I last all of ten minutes and then I give up.  These frikken crazy Aussies walk around in tee shirts and I’m looking for a suitable sized kangaroo to volunteer its pouch and If there is Joey in there I’m not scared to share.

Because everyone here is a worker there is not a big social status gap. The doctors will have a drink with the tradesmen. Doctors are called doctors and Tradesmen are called by their specific trade. I got a lesson last night.

So  keep this is mind for when I close of my letter to you all.

carpenter  =chippy

Ambulance driver = ambo

Brick layer = brickie

Refugee = Reffo..

The list is endless.

Popping into the local boozer, to have a quick stubby or tinny and tucker will find you sitting in the company of lawyers, construction workers and cleaners. It’s really cool, there doesn’t seem to be stigma attached to these people. Tying to have a conversation with them is a different story however.

 

Now you must understand that it’s not easy for an entire nation of people stuck on island to break the English language, these people have done it brilliantly. ( I can’t wait for spiderpig to get here)

Ordering a standard coffee, one would think, is easy? NO NO NO..

Here is a scenario that was repeated again yesterday. (don’t know why I thought it would be different the second time round.)

Barista (that’s a person that serves coffee you ignorant chops): g’day mate whatca drinkin?

BK: Howsit? Can I please have a regular coffee (points at the menu, where it says coffee… regular.)

Barista: (look 2 lines up if you have forgotten what that is): Sure mate which one? The short black, long black, Macchiato, Vienna, flat white or cappuccino?

BK: Ke?

Barista: (looks at this “Galah”, Rolls eyes and waits patiently)

BK: (speaks slowly annunciating each word carefully and points at the menu again trying to get this person to bring a coffee) Just a regular coffee please.. (ends off with a smile hoping that this will help)

Barista: Blinks twice, takes a breath and copies me, speaks slower than I just did and repeats the sentence. Only difference is that he starts with a smile.

(almost the same way we communicate with kids in the shopping centre when they want something and we don’t want to give it to them)… Suuure Mate…. What would you like? The short black, long black, Macchiato, Vienna, flat white or cappuccino?... (ends with a well-practiced smile)

 

Now you must understand that if this was to go on for another 3 rounds we would look and sound like a stretched tape speaking to each other… iiiiiiiii wwwoooouuulllllldddddd lllliiiiikkkkeeeee aaaa rrreeeeggggguuulllaaaarrrrr ccccoooffffeeeeeeee ppplllleeeeeaaaassssseeeee….  Keeping this is mind I decided to win this debate and went off on a whim and said. “ long black”

 

Barista: Ace mate, no worries.. (smiles triumphantly and walks off)

Little does he know I won that Debate..  how do I know? Because I’m writing this story that why I know.

And eventually I got my coffee…. And paid $5 (vomit)

So to assist you peeps when you get here.

A cup of black coffee = long black

White coffee= flat white.

Don’t even try to ask them to bring sugar at the same time. Rather make that self-righteous person walk again….

 

Aaannnyyyyywaaayyyyy… Enough about that. Moving along swiftly.

 

The radio stations are really good here, they play good music and the DJ’s are really funny. If you can see if you can stream HHH radio triplehfm.com.au and listen to them in the morning (mine not yours) it’s something to hear, and the news is also interesting. Just the other day there was news about some old guy that is intensive care because he got run over by some woman that was reversing out of here driveway. Clearly not much happens here. Oh and there was fight in a night club. Really? Really? How does that make news?

 

Oh speaking of night clubs last night we drove passed a night club called “poof doof” a night club for homos. Serous. CHECK the site http://poofdoof.com/  tag line “a gay club for homos”

Mind…..blown…..



Its Sunday arvo, and there’s a dinkum chance that this doco will come good in the end. I’ve been to the bottle shop and I’m having a $6 Cab Sav, even if its not my bowl of rice.

 

Zoy!!!


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Online OomD

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #24 on: August 15, 2019, 01:10:01 pm »
Love the humor :lol8:
 
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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #25 on: August 15, 2019, 01:26:26 pm »
Sub, keep it up mate!! :thumleft:
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #26 on: August 15, 2019, 01:36:42 pm »
Because everyone here is a worker there is not a big social status gap. The doctors will have a drink with the tradesmen. Doctors are called doctors and Tradesmen are called by their specific trade. I got a lesson last night.

I found the same thing in the UK. Lived in Plymouth and they made no difference between bank manager (an actually serious title over there it seemed) and chippy or appi. We all played cricket together and then had a dop afterwards.

Loved it.
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Online woody1

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #27 on: August 15, 2019, 01:38:20 pm »
 :ricky:

I WOULD RATHER BE AN HONEST ASSHOLE .... THAN A FLIPPEN LIAR !   


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Offline Dirty Boy

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #28 on: August 15, 2019, 01:54:31 pm »
Like your style of writing and the humor, keep going.

Having moved back to the UK again, been here 18 months, I can totally relate to what you are experiencing.

You are now earning and spending OZ $ so don't bother doing the converting to Ront thing, it just does your head in.

Good luck.
 
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Offline TeeJay

Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #29 on: August 15, 2019, 02:10:30 pm »
So cool - keep it coming 'mate  :imaposer:

Thanks for posting - much appreciated  :thumleft:
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Offline immigrant

Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #30 on: August 15, 2019, 02:37:10 pm »

A cup of black coffee = long black

White coffee= flat white.


 :laughing4: My mom, who visits my sister regularly in Aus, asked for a "long black" at our local Mc Donalds. Myself, and the guy behind the counter were equally shocked and confused.

We order different here and it also took a few tries to get it right e.g. coffee with 2 milk and 2 sugar = double double
« Last Edit: August 15, 2019, 02:37:47 pm by immigrant »
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Offline BullFrog

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #31 on: August 15, 2019, 04:27:52 pm »
Sub...
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Offline Buff

Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #32 on: August 15, 2019, 04:36:50 pm »
 :imaposer: loving your sense of humour and following the adventure  :thumleft:
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Offline jaybiker

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #33 on: August 15, 2019, 08:42:33 pm »
Oh, man... yet another 'read first' thread on the forum!  :sip:

What with Zog, Big oil, Sardine, Edgy's pictures and quips, and now your riveting saga, not to mention the rest of the forum, it's getting more and more impossible to find a chance to come up for air. :o But I like it!
 
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #34 on: August 16, 2019, 12:22:37 am »
Like your style of writing and the humor, keep going.

Having moved back to the UK again, been here 18 months, I can totally relate to what you are experiencing.

You are now earning and spending OZ $ so don't bother doing the converting to Ront thing, it just does your head in.

Good luck.

Thanks, Its like free therapy letting it out.
Everyone told me to stop converting but it took me more that an year to get over it.
If anyone reading this takes at least one thing away its to get over converting everything as soon as possible or life just becomes miserable.
Or if you are like my kids dont convert and just see everything at almost 10 times cheaper  :imaposer:

« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 12:51:04 am by BOZO »
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Offline Ri

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #35 on: August 16, 2019, 06:33:55 am »
Great read thanks! :thumleft:
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #36 on: August 16, 2019, 08:03:09 am »
...
Or if you are like my kids dont convert and just see everything at almost 10 times cheaper  :imaposer:

Mine does that here  :'(
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #37 on: August 16, 2019, 02:09:04 pm »
This was 3 weeks in to my arrival. Everything was still wtf....

Fellow readers, fans, nit pickers and grammar police, the saga continues in this not so gripping episode of “what in the world happened in Aus”.


So we/I are/am into day 21 (and by the time I’m done with this creation, probably day 25) on the island and if this was a birthday I would officially be an adult.

If there was a Friday (slave) here I would have a Friday. But there is no Friday here so I decided to call it 23, at least it comes round once a month. ( this sentence makes no sense but I have typed it and there is no point in wasting a random thought)

If this was Tom Hanks in castaway he would have forgotten about bubba and that his old life was like a box of chocolates.


I on the other hand have a memory like woman scorned. I can distantly remember the last hangover I had.  And it was not on this island.

I also remember the last time I saw a rugby game that made sense and That was also not on this island.

On the bright side I can actually remember stuff now. So that’s pretty cool.

On this journey of discovery I have come to one definite conclusion, Cape town weather sucks in winter.

I have spent the last week working at/on client sites and retraining myself how to use creo (Cad Software) As this week I’m delivering a training course to 10 delegates on how to use CREO.

Some may laugh, but, some may be astounded as the last time I gave one of these courses was about 6 years ago. Talk about riding a bicycle (Called a push bike here)

 

In preparation for heading off to Sydney, to deliver this course, I had to ask several questions to my boss that were not in the company manual, or mentioned, as part of my introduction / induction.

Apparently this kind of thing is common knowledge worldwide.

So it was Thursday afternoon and I haven’t heard anything and I thought about this and decided that the best way to get the answers is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and see what results I would get.

 

I took the approach of using the Jackie Chang methodology and went for using short sentences and questions. (Baby steps to the door) (harro dis is kitchen, dis is water boiler)


This what I said. (summarized and added 30% drama for more interesting reading)

Hey Boss,

As you know, I’m off to Sydney to deliver a Creo Training Course next week and I don’t want to seem pushy but I do have one or two questions that I need to ask and I’m hoping that you can help me.

(These are by no means placed in order of importance or priority but if was going to do that I would have done them like this. )

 

Who is the client?

Where is the client?

Who is my contact?

How many people am I training?

Who orders the manuals, how do they get there?


Then a little lower on the priority scale but defiantly on the list are other things like,

Who books the flights?

How much are the flights normally?

Who books the car?

What is the average price for car hire?

Who books the accommodation?

How much is accommodation?

How does it work with food and drinks?

 

Regards,

The guy that has only been here for 7 days.

 

 

And this is how it works.

My boss says Sh!@T I suppose I should have thought to tell you some of these things.

And we go off on a long discussion about the questions I have asked.

In short……. I have to do it all and pay for it and then claim back the money when I’m done. My other alternative is to use the Admin Guy (Jackie Chan) where I have to choose everything then email him all the details and then get him to pay for it.

Which is easy enough if you have, I don’t know, more than 8 hours’ notice.

 

Boring story so far yes I know, but, the important part to any story is a solid base. One needs to connect with ones readers and give them a chance to identify with the characters (in this case morty) in the story and form an emotional bond.

Now I’m not asking you to become emotionally dependent on the meagre writings of an idiot, but having said that, I don’t walk around staring into the sun either.


I’m on the internet and I’m booking flights, car and accommodation.. Zonkie.......and it’s all going well, I have even organized to go to Sydney earlier on the Sunday morning so I can meet up with Clive and Maritza.

The weather has a different opinion on how the weekend and week is going to go however.

I got to the airport and the flight before mine and the one after mine has been cancelled.  We take off and as soon as the crotch check is done the pilot comes on air and delivers the bad news in a friendly voice.

“ G’day all, we are in for a bumpy ride as there are 125km
/h cross winds and there is only one runway open in Sydney. Hold tight and enjoy the flight”

The seatbelt light was flashing like a disco light and there was no chance of hitting the head for a break in the monotony of a 2 hour flight.

Needless to say the landing was bumpy and the flight attendees looked like they wanted to get off the plane as well when we were done.

I collected my bag that was completely soaked, I think they put it on the roof rack of the plane, and trundled off to pick up my rent a car.  (hertz)

I stroll into Hertz with the confidence of a man that has just walked away from what could have been a much better story and ask for my Car.

…….

…….

Guess What? …..

No Car!!!

Well, there is a car, and it’s in Sidney. Not Sydney…… Sidney is not where I am or want to be……… not at all. In fact it’s very far away from where I am right now. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sidney,_British_Columbia

So now I’m expecting to get the standard , Eish aaaawww, so so so sooorrryy.

Instead I get the Aussie standard helpfulness for ignorant people such as myself and within 10 minutes I had a car.

Winner!!

Upgraded!!

Double Winner!!

What’s the catch? There is always a catch.

It’s a battleship, it so long that you could play 10 pin blowing on the bonnet have a party inside and hide an elephant in the boot.  This nation loves big cars.

 

Annnnyyyyway  back to the weather.

Saturday night sees Sydney have the worst Storms in 43 years. Flights are cancelled, people are being blown over by strong winds, houses are being washed away by huge waves. It mayhem out there.

They even interviewed a shela on the news and she was clearly upset. This is what she said in between sobs…

“(snot snot)…. It’s so unfair, this is like a nightmare….. (snot snot, wipe) (elbow to fingertip wipe like spiderpig does it) It’s all the governments fault, they should have built a storm wall, they should have known that this was going to happen…… (snot snot, Wipe).

That’s where I stopped listening.

 

The rest is pretty boring except for the bad weather that has added at least some drama to what could only be told as a random boring story.

(Second day in Sydney, not Sidney)

The Aussies here are Special.

I’m sure they have seen Point Break and have convinced themselves that it’s the 50 year storm out there. Already 3 surfers have been lost at sea. Waves are crashing into buildings, swimming pools are being washed out to sea, sailing boats are being capsized in the harbour and the kids are thinking…

 “Aw mate looks good for a quick swim hey?”

And if that’s not bad enough their dads are thinking that they have a 4x4 with a snorkel which means they can cross the raging rivers so they collect their mates, load a slab (that’s a case of beers) head for the local hi-way which is now underwater with logs, old furniture like couches, TV’s, Gas Stoves  (the stuff they leave on the pavement) and shit  floating past and they are saying.

“Aw Bruce this looks like a good spot to cross hey mate?”

Now this could be funny if a few people did it and they were under the age of let’s say 16. But that’s not the case. No no no…. not 1, not 10, no people, and this is the best part, and I’m sure that the number is going to increase during the day. By the time I left for work this morning there were Approximately 250 people that had to be rescued out of their cars, and the police were on the TV this morning asking people to not cross the raging rivers.

The news people are broadcasting that that you need to phone your insurance to check whether you are covered for flood damage. (seriously) no drama or 30% added to this line.

The TV station have crews on every beach.

So ?

The beaches are so close that you can see the one camera crew in the background of the ones currently filming.

 

And on my final giggle for this mail and the day. The closing comments from the health and safety minister this morning (standing on the beach with the mass destruction behind him) (its actually only 6 houses that we badly damaged) he says …. He doesn’t understand why people won’t drive into or through a bush fire but they will drive through a raging river. He is now going to start a national campaign to educate the Australian people about the dangers of flood water.

Zooi!!!!


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"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
1150 GS, 1200 GSA, 125 KX, WR450  (all sold) :(
XT660Z
 

Online 0012

  • Double-oh-Tkwarf
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  • Bike: Suzuki DR650
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  • Race the rain. Ride the wind. Chase the sunset.
Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #38 on: August 16, 2019, 02:48:46 pm »
 :spitcoffee:   :imaposer:   :lol8:

loving this, gooi!


->    TransAlp 650 - sold
:(    Yamaha XT1200Z - written off - R.I.P.
 

Offline Willem-Ben

Re: Australia.... Not Another one! It’s the catchup thread.
« Reply #39 on: August 16, 2019, 02:54:03 pm »
 :sip: