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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #440 on: February 21, 2020, 06:56:27 am »
Ok Enough Back to story time!!!!


It’s been relatively quiet here on the island and news has been scarce like hen’s teeth, Easter is approaching and I thought I should look for some news to share and just like that it was delivered. It a topical story and will probably make no sense in two years so if you are getting this via the South African Postal Service, apologies. If not, I hope you read this before Wonder Woman reads my last three mails. 😊
Cricket, it’s a funny old game. When you think of cricket I’m sure you think about summer, whites (the clothes), sunburn, the crack of leather on willow and cucumber sarmies.
On day one at tea time, everyone runs, no not runs, enthusiastically walks into the dining room and appreciates what was a sprinkling of lettuce leaves amongst the sarmies on the tray, way the crust has been removed and sliced into little triangles. There is laughter and stuffed cheeks as the sarmies are wolfed down by hungry kitchen staff. The scraps are left for the teams to blame the other team for eating all of it.
On day two the cucumber has turned slightly slimy and the bread is now starting to harden on the edges while the middle as sucked all the humidity from the room and tried to return to dough. The lettuce has started to wilt and so has your enthusiasm to eat these triangles from the swamp. All of a sudden there seems to be way more than the day before.
Day three eventually arrives, the soggy triangles from the swamp are gone, the lettuce and food tray are empty and there is a grumpy looking chef in the corner. Someone’s got the squirts and the dog is looking ill.
At home the couch is vacant, the commentators are spending more and more time chatting about Brian Lara’s 501 in 1994 and the cameramen are making us watch seagulls land on the field. In the stands there is some poephol wearing a watermelon on his head while his mates spike his drink with vodka cleverly disguised in orange juice.
How Lekker!!!…. Ahhh Cricket…… cant wait for day four and five!! Test cricket at its best.
“Who’s playing?” I hear you ask.
“Where’s the beer and snacks?” Is the answer.
Enter March 2018………Well that’s what it was like before the Aussies brought the game into disrepute, according to the news on the island, it’s all gone tits up in South Africa. Cheats! Scoundrels! Sticky near my Dicky! Are just a few of the words I hear and see around.

 
Intrigued I decided to do a little more investigation on this subject because, well, truth be told, I need a laugh and this may just satisfy that need.
We don’t have fox sports at home as the cost to benefit ratio is on par with a first-class seat on a Qantas Dreamliner (that’s a big fancy new aeroplane) from Melbourne to Kazakhstan in mid-winter, you’ve heard of both places, it sounds fantastic, but when you get there it’s not what you expected and now you are broke and have nothing to show for it besides a Borat mankini and a rash that makes the doctor throw a curbside quiche.
As a result, our (my, nobody else really cares if it’s not Footy ) sports news is normally delayed on average by 24 hours and I rely on the jokes coming in on WhatsApp to notify me to watch the news in the morning. This Sunday morning I strolled downstairs scratching a ballbag and cupping a coffee, I turned on the telly, to see a quick headline of the captain and vice-captain of the Australian cricket team looking like they had just been bust with a tub of Vaseline and sheep in their rooms. I sat back and allowed myself to develop a smug smile as the story evolved. Turns out they had been bust ball tampering. Not their balls or each other’s balls but the actual cricket ball.

For those of you that don’t watch test cricket, here is a quick explanation of how it works. There are two teams with eleven players. (that’s 22 players in total) They are armed with pads, ball boxes, wooden planks called bats and one hard ball covered in leather, normally the leather is a shiny red. They play on a large field that’s is round and has a 22-meter strip of hard ground in the middle. On each end of this hard strip they take six oversized sosatie (kebab) sticks and peg them in the ground three on each end, they call these stumps…. I know I’m also stumped…. Then they take 4 Kentucky fried chicken leg bones and balance those on top of the sticks on each end. So it looks like a upside down “W”… or I suppose a “M”…. I prefer upside down “W” because that way I can remember that when the 3 sosatie sticks (called stumps) are together and the chicken bones (called bails) are balanced on top of said sticks the collective word for that is wickets.
Hang ten here…Lets just look at this for a second.
•   The Field has a hard 22m piece of field in the middle of the field and is called the pitch. Not a landing strip for the ball, or a line to follow when you need to run. Just “the pitch”. They find the hardest part of the field and then moer sticks in to the hard part.
•   When one stick is pegged into the ground its called a stump.
•   One little piece of wood that balances between two sticks is called a bail. This bail doesn’t hold water, you can’t use it to bail water from a sinking boat and you can’t use it to float on when the boat sinks. Also, when it rains the umpires take the bails off the sticks and take them inside. In case you were wondering “bale” was already taken and is defined as  a tightly bound clump of hay…… can you also see it??????
•   When you join the sticks together with the little sticks to form an upside-down “W” you have wickets.
•   This is not to be confused with wicket. A wicket is the terminology used when you get someone out. I suppose it’s because you can’t say “Well done Bruce I see you got 3 outs today!” I think that if you were to say that to Bruce Jenner he may be pissed off as he had an out but now it’s and in…. but I digress.

Ok so that’s the field layout for now.
To make this interesting for television viewing they decided that the 22 players needed to get involved and not just sit on the side of the field and drink beer. To start they put them all on the field, this made it difficult to know what was going on so they added two more people and called them umpires.
Don’t get confused with the umpires from Footy or Darth Vader from the movie “The Umpire Strikes Back”.
These umpires mostly just stand around on each end of the pitch, their job is to watch the chicken bones, and point to the sky when one of them falls off. Like trying to tell the chicken that if they could fly they could have been more than just a tasty treat. The problem was that with 24 people on field standing round doing nothing was not economical for the beer company that was selling beer. They needed at least 40% of the people off the field at any one point in time, to consume the beer. A meeting was called to discuss the point of the game and they decided that it was to knock the leg bones off the sosatie sticks with the shiny red ball. It was agreed that one team would be on the field while the other packed their esky (cooler box) and relaxed, the team off the field would send out two of their players, called batsman, not the batters that’s baseball, that would run between the sosatie sticks to check the chicken bones and have a chit chat whenever they hit the ball to the edge of the field where the beers are.
When the shiny red ball is hit away from the sticks with the plank called the bat, it rolls on the field where the birds shit and the players spit, and is supposed to be stopped by a player called a fielder. Even if the fielder is on the middle part called the pitch they are still called fielders not pitchers, that’s baseball, and another story. The fielder picks up the shiny ball and he gets to lick one side of the ball and rub it in his crotch area. As is custom, the ball is then passed to the next fielder who licks the ball on the same side that has just been buried in his teammates crotch and repeats the process. This is eventually given to the fielder that is going to throw the ball down the pitch. He has an important job as he is the last ball licker and polisher before he throws the ball, but, now pay attention, he is called the bowler, not the pitcher, pitchers are for baseball remember, also he is only called the bowler when he is bowling, if he is not bowling he is a fielder.
If the shiny spit encrusted crotch infested ball hits the sticks and dislodges a bail the umpire points to the sky and the batsman, not the batter, puts his plank under his arm and walks off the field muttering and shaking his head.
Remember the bowler? That’s the guy that’s a fielder when he is not bowling.  Well, the team on the field elects one player to throw the ball at the sosatie sticks, but he can only do this six times before he needs to rest. And then the bowler is demoted to fielder and another fielder is promoted to bowler for 6 more balls. These balls have to pitch on the pitch and not the field just in case you were wondering. Don’t forget the point of the game is to hit the chicken bone off the sosatie sticks.
Once the ball has knocked the bones off the sosatie sticks 10 times the teams swap and they do the same thing. Standing around all days is tiring work so there needs to be tea times and a lunch break, also, so the teams can get over their hangovers they have a late start and an early finish.  For Test Cricket they do this twice. the team that runs between the sticks the most wins. And here is the cracker.. If the team is lazy they can also win. If you hit the ball to the edge of the field on the ground that counts as four runs and if you hit it in the air it counts as six runs and get this, you don’t have to run.
The total number of runs, (even if you don’t run and try to win the lazy way) is counted and you can use terms like 31 for 4 after 7 whenever you like. People will say things like “who’s winning?”.  And you can say anything like “This is not a 100m race” or “Looks like trouble here, we are running low on beer” 
Right, now that we understand the game and some of the finer details let’s get back to the current debacle of the cheating swine’s that have brought this fantastic game into disrepute.

Instead of licking the ball and rubbing it in his sweaty crutch the Aussie decided to use sandpaper like a tradie polishing a wooden floor after 12 stubbies and looking forward to an early knock off time.
This is some serious stuff, the only way I can explain to you how bad it is to use a malaphor incorrectly. It’s not Rocket Science.  As opposed to its not rocket surgery. Or it’s like going into a pub and ordering a Beer and getting a Cider, or buying a tennis racket on gumtree where the deal said no strings attached and then finding out that there really are no strings attached.
OR even worse, and this is why it gets is own line in this story!!
Buying a Nissan and finding out that it has a RENAULT motor in it.
How many brain cells do you need to realize that YELLOW sand paper on a white backdrop with approximately 30 cameras surrounding you is a stupid move?.......................
If you take the cricket fiasco and combine that with a tram driver that de-rails his tram at 6:00 in the morning then you know that there is something wrong with the water that they are putting in the beer here.
The headline is as follows.
“Tram derails in Ascot Vale and crashes into bus shelter”
The Story reads differently… he was alone in the tram, and took a corner too fast and discovered the tram could not handle the tracks……
My post analysis on this one is he was watching the formula one the day before and said,
“Hold My Beer, That’s easy I can do that in my tram mate”
When it all went wrong he told the cops he fell asleep and now they can’t charge him…
I suppose on the bright side going downhill is also a direction.
Between these two Muppets someone has to win a Darwin award.
In closing I suppose I’m left with more questions than answers, the solution I think will be to have an ice cold beer and contemplate my next move.
To end off, be prepared, its lonely in the saddle when the horse dies.
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #441 on: February 21, 2020, 07:42:07 am »
That's better...

Balance, to the universe, has been restored it has... :thumleft:

Have a lekka weekend...
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Offline stcomza

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #442 on: February 21, 2020, 07:53:44 am »
its lonely in the saddle when the horse dies.

Bwahahahaha  :biggrin:

Have an awesome weekend  :thumleft:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #443 on: March 02, 2020, 02:32:13 am »
Its been a hectic few weeks. I have not had the chance to update you all with my Tales from the island.
I will however have some time in the next few days to post an update or two.
Fear not, there is still plenty more to go and eventually we will be all caught up to present day.

Addios!!!
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #444 on: March 02, 2020, 02:48:29 am »
It’s been two years since we set foot on the island. I have written letters sharing my experiences with you and using them to give you a glimpse into our lives here and maybe just maybe give you an idea of what’s it like to change countries. ***Disclaimer*** While writing this letter and consulting with my editor, that’s me, we have come to the realization that I’m the least qualified to give advice on this matter and if you are considering moving to a non-tropical paradise with low crime rates, good health care, fluctuating petrol prices and cold water then you need to start your research somewhere else. Continue at your own peril!!!!
Looking back the time has gone quickly and the challenges have been huge. You know that saying “Africa’s not for sissies”, well “Australia’s not for Africans”. Before you get on your high rocking horse and yada yada to me about attitude, happiness, embracing change and whatever else, take a minute, and think about the difference between going overseas for a holiday and going overseas for good. I’ll try to not harp on rhetorically but there have been challenges in all aspects of our lives that you will only experience if you move countries. It’s not the big things that we know will be different that have the biggest impact and to be honest those are the easy ones to deal with, it’s the everyday things that we take for granted that have an effect. The price of beer is just one example. Some of us adjust easily to new surroundings, people and new ways of life, and, some are a liiiiiiiiiitle more resistant to change. Wonder Woman, Trenticles and Spiderpig seem to fit on category one. Me…. Not so much. Which is strange, because, you know, I like change, I like to change my mind, my underpants and my toothbrush. I think this has something to do with my personality type and my emotional intelligence. How do I know this?
Well I will give you the short version. Read on dear reader. Read on!
In my old life we had a semi full time shrink at work that would talk about “worlds view”, “expanding the mind set”, “emotional intelligence”, “Myres & Briggs personality types”, “leadership development”, “personal development” and “Management Development”. I learned about my personality type, my co-workers and my bosses personality types and how we all fit together, some personalities fit like hand in glove and others, well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..
After reading this quote
“Emotional intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn; it allows us to set priorities; it determines the majority of our daily actions. Research suggests it is responsible for as much as 80 percent of the success in our lives.” J. Freedman
I realized that I have the emotional intelligence of a brick wallowing in a pit of quicksand.
My Myers & Briggs personality test tells me that I am an ENTP, (Extrovert, Intuition, Thinking, Perception) and ENTP’s will struggle to get on with say ISTJ’s. (Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judgement) What Myers & Briggs don’t tell you is that if you pay a ENTP enough he will get on with dried shit on a dead lawn. If you add some “personal development” to that and mix in some “worlds view” and then add some more money that exact same ENTP personality type will get along just fine with a fresh warm turd on lush green grass. Throw some “leadership development” and even more money and that ENTP will actually take one for the team and pick up a warm sloppy mister whippy barehanded and dispose of that faecal matter with a smile on his face. Eventually after being shrinked to the n’th degree the said ENTP will start to become the ISTJ that the company always wanted. On post analysis of this, if they had wanted an ISTJ it would have been easier to just say, we need you because you are clever and you get the job done, but your personality sucks so we will pay you extra if you just smile and wave. MAN I could have saved them A LOT of shrink money!
Aaannnnyyyyyyhooooooo. Where was I? Ahh yes. After all this personal development and gazillions of Rands being spent on my mind and, finger quotes “Questionable Personality”, I have become aware, I know what the problem is, but I can’t fix it. Well I can, but apparently drinking beer and choeffing on a smoko is not the solution. 
We all have some coping mechanism that we use to get through the tough times. These mechanisms come in different guises. Some healthy people will be drawn to exercise, others will go into some fad diet and eat carrot sticks and crabs eyes. The unhealthy types, we like to call ourselves the other 80% of the population, we do other things like visit friends, have a couple of beers, have a couple of smoko’s and laugh out loud and uncontrollably until your gut hurts, tears run down your face and snot flies out your nose. The real challenge is when your coping mechanisms that you have come to rely on is taken away. We as humans are faced with a conundrum, we can lay down and die or we can find some other coping method. Not being an athletic person, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for an athlete to not be able to athlete, or, how difficult it must be for chubby over eaters to not take a BigMac and smother it all over their body late at night while watching some lame programme like “My Kitchen Rules”…. Not that I haven’t thought about that…..ALOT….. You see I can take a stab at these issues because those are not my vices, and, when it’s not your teddy bear you are hugging it’s easy to throw it away. But, when having one bird in the hand and the other is calling the kettle black it’s not that easy. As the saying goes, throwing stones in glass houses doesn’t gather any moss, I have had to remap my brain over the last 2 years to find new ways to develop an appreciation for new customs, accents, living spaces, working methods, costs, sunrises and sunsets. I have also learned to spend time alone, with my thoughts, which is probably not healthy. I have attempted to athlete, chef, author, handyman, maid, father, etc and each has their own reward and satisfaction, except for maid, that job sucks piles. Nobody actually gets any satisfaction from wiping dried crispy shit off a toilet bowl.  But hey….. enough bitching.
One of the things that I do enjoy is watching and trying to parent Spiderpig trying to cope in the real world away from PlayStation and YouTube. He has learned to function perfectly on the island believe it or not but his favourite time is winter because it lasts 8 months and that means that he can stay inside for 75% of the year. Being an intelligent young lad, he breezes through school and unlike our other child he doesn’t feel the need to irk every teacher he encounters.  His motto seems to be “fly under the radar get home asap and then play PlayStation”.  To give you a greater insight into his “use finger quotation marks here” “world” he rides his bicycle to school instead of taking the bus because that way he can spend more time watching YouTube in the morning before he must leave, and, the return trip takes less time on the pushbike than on the bus. It’s not uncommon for me to get home and see him sitting on the bed, still wearing his cycling helmet, thumbs and fingers furiously working the “square, circle, triangle, x” combinations in a life and death struggle to become a notorious warrior in some digital world where your name can be “king death squirt” and nobody cares. Attempting a greeting usually results in a momentary glimpse where he has had to rip his eyes away from the screen and a muttered hello between clenched teeth.  When there is forced downtime (Trenticles is playing PlayStation) He moves over to his laptop to play something else or uses his phone to watch YouTube. We only really see him at mealtimes or when he needs money. Usually at mealtimes he will show us a new dance that he learned a school or saw in a game. These dances can only be described as watching an octopus trying to walk downstairs while being electrocuted. We watch in fascination as his face contorts in concentration and his body does the wiggly jiggly.
Now that you have some insight into his demeanour and dance moves (the light version) I thought you would appreciate this conversation that I had with him on WhatsApp. All I wanted him to do was take something out the Freezer.

12:29 - Spiderpig: I’m locked outside the house   
12:45 – TGOTI (the git on the island): Sorry bud…. At least you have the internet.
12:46 - Spiderpig: It’s alright the back door was open…
12:46 - Spiderpig: Lol
12:46 - Spiderpig: 
12:48 - TGOTI: Ha ha ha. You fool. Where is your house key?
12:48 - Spiderpig: In my room 
13:53 - TGOTI: Hi, are you still at home?
13:53 - Spiderpig: Yes
13:55 - TGOTI: Please can you take the mince out of the deep freeze..
13:55 - TGOTI: Do you know what Mince looks like?
13:55 - Spiderpig: K
13:55 - Spiderpig: Yes 
13:55 - TGOTI: Put it in the sink please 
13:57 - TGOTI: Can you do it now?
13:57 - TGOTI: Or are you watching something gripping on YouTube?
13:57 - Spiderpig: I’ll do it now.
13:58 - TGOTI: thanks buddy... let me know if you can’t find it ok?
13:59 - TGOTI: I’m talking about the mince not your thing.
 
I need to interrupt the conversation here, normally, when you have a conversation with someone you say something and then you wait for a reply, and if you ask someone to do something, like taking food out of the freezer, they do that, and then, because you are not there to witness that it’s been done, they give you feedback and let you know that they have in fact done this task. The general trend of the conversation was going pretty well until now I felt. Alas, I think Max had reached a point of inflection, either YouTube or PlayStation had interrupted the natural order of synapses firing in his brain and the world had become flat, like in Minecraft. He forgot that there was an actual person that he was messaging on his phone, and this actual person was awaiting for an actual response from him. As you can see by the time it took for him to respond to my questions. 

14:07 - TGOTI: Did you take the mice out of the deep freeze?
14:11 - Spiderpig: Yip
14:11 - TGOTI: Are you sure its mince? 
14:16 - Spiderpig: Yip the beef mince in the container with wrap over it.
14:16 - TGOTI: Great stuff. Where did you put it?
14:17 - Spiderpig: In the sink
14:17 - TGOTI: Cool thanks.
I was pleased that we had come this far I was ready to get back to other menial tasks like breathing and work when an uncomfortable cloud of realization swept over me. It was like that shock surprise like when you lick a 9v battery for the first time. So I had to message him again and hope that he had not gone over the edge of no return, until dinner time of course, then he would be back and ready for action.

14:17 - TGOTI: Can you hear the beeping?
14:17 - Spiderpig: Ur welcome.
14:18 - TGOTI: Can you hear the beeping????
14:19 - Spiderpig: Yes? How can you hear it???
14:19 - TGOTI: It’s the freezer door telling you that you need to close it.... 
14:20 - Spiderpig: Oh, ::)

Need I say more?

ZOY!!!!
In case you missed it there was no mention of a REANULT or a Landrover today because I’m looking for something else kak to pick on but can’t find anything worse. 😊
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline Karel84

Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #445 on: March 02, 2020, 05:59:19 am »
Man, this made my morning. Loving your writing style, @BOZO.

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Offline corne.l

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #446 on: March 02, 2020, 08:26:22 am »
Man, this made my morning. Loving your writing style, @BOZO.

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+1

Makes me think of Dave's World back in the day
« Last Edit: March 02, 2020, 08:30:45 am by corne.l »
in vino veritas, in cervesio felicitas

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Offline Sam

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #447 on: March 02, 2020, 10:07:47 am »
But, when having one bird in the hand and the other is calling the kettle black it’s not that easy. As the saying goes, throwing stones in glass houses doesn’t gather any moss,

heh! Classic!
 

Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #448 on: March 02, 2020, 01:35:27 pm »
The inventor of the PlayStation must not wander unto my property - he will not leave it and a funny man shaped heap of sand will appear in the far corner of said property... >:(
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #449 on: March 02, 2020, 03:20:41 pm »
 well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..

A man with experience!! :deal: :imaposer: :lol8:
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #450 on: March 02, 2020, 03:29:16 pm »
BTW, show us current pics of the offspring and boss... :thumleft: :thumleft:
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #451 on: March 02, 2020, 03:31:05 pm »
well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..

A man with experience!! :deal: :imaposer: :lol8:

You have not experienced pain until you have stepped on a Lego at that time of the morning, on your way to the toilet, after a night of indulgence of the hydraulic kind... trust me... :patch:
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #452 on: March 02, 2020, 03:42:32 pm »
Brilliant as always
 
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Offline Karel84

Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #453 on: March 02, 2020, 03:45:24 pm »
This immediately popped into my head!

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Offline jaybiker

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #454 on: March 02, 2020, 03:47:38 pm »
 :imaposer: :imaposer: Such talent is a sad loss to S.A.
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #455 on: March 02, 2020, 03:48:24 pm »
Ek het n gedagte n presentation deur BOZO by die werk kan maklik iets soos n aand by comedy central wees!! :deal: :lol8:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #456 on: March 02, 2020, 11:12:54 pm »
well, others fit like bare feet and LEGGO at 3am..

A man with experience!! :deal: :imaposer: :lol8:

LEGGO and a half chewed bone left by the dog on the kitchen floor.......  :lol8:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #457 on: March 02, 2020, 11:14:47 pm »
BTW, show us current pics of the offspring and boss... :thumleft: :thumleft:
oooohhhhhhh Not sure that you would wanna see one of those..  :imaposer:
and whos the boss?  :o
« Last Edit: March 02, 2020, 11:15:30 pm by BOZO »
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #458 on: March 03, 2020, 08:22:54 am »
BTW, show us current pics of the offspring and boss... :thumleft: :thumleft:
oooohhhhhhh Not sure that you would wanna see one of those..  :imaposer:
and whos the boss?  :o

A hint - the boss is not you...  :thumleft:
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #459 on: March 03, 2020, 08:59:35 pm »
Ahhh right ok. I asked Bruce Springsteen for a selfie but he said he was busy. So instead here are some pictures of my bosses.


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