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Author Topic: Australia.... The Island Saga  (Read 38104 times)

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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #480 on: March 16, 2020, 12:42:18 am »
Brace yourselves its madness out there!!!!!
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #481 on: March 16, 2020, 12:47:36 am »
SHEEWW-----WWEEEEEEEE
What a week ne'!! Was snowed under doing tecky stuffs with the computer and all of a sardine it was the weekend, I was scheduled to fly to Nu-zilland on Sunday and spend the week collecting memories for yet another exciting memoir of the git on the island that visits another island aptly named north and south island.
Question: When does one qualify as a seasoned traveller? Is It the number of stamps in your passport or it is the fact that a mental check list of stuff to do before you leave good enough?
I was ticking through my mental checklist to make sure all was in order, flights, accommodation, work stuff all booked, visa sorted even some local pubs scouted out for green beers on Tuesday evening. I think I’m the only one that loves St. Patty’s day.
AAAAAANNNNNNNNYYYYYYHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Wonder Woman was relaxing on the couch on Thursday evening safe in the knowledge that there was no rush to organize a present for me as I would be away for the day that marked yet another successful orbit of the sun. She did however ask what the contingency plan was from work should Juceinda (Nu-Zilland’s Prime minister) close the borders. Instead of being caught off guard in the vacuum of not knowing, I nodded sagely while holding my chin between my thumb and index finger, my eyes gazing off into the distance, in an attempt to seek knowledge, with no answers appearing like the miracle ghost of xmas past, I turned, ever so slightly in her direction and said.
“Good Question”…….
Somehow between Thursday night and Friday afternoon the Island shat itself. People went out buying everything they can, its so bad that places like “the good guys” (white goods shop) don’t have any fridges and freezers in stock anymore! The shelves are empty, food stores like Aldi, that only have 5 staff on duty can’t keep up. The only reason Spiderpig knows anything is happening is because youtubers are making music video’s about it and there is a possibility that school may close earlier!!! Trenticles is working like starving hyena on a fresh carcass at the butcher shop trying to keep up with the demand. People gottsta fill their new fridges and freezers. Dis net fokken chaos.
I Digress. The answer essentially was not necessary as on Saturday afternoon, my boss called and said the company had cancelled all international and local travel. They have closed our offices and we are stuck at home until further notice. At the same time coincidentally Jacandia (Still Nu-Zilland’s Prime minister) announced that all people arriving from outside the country need to self-isolate.
This however has created a larger problem, you see, I had packed a larger suitcase than usual with the intention of bringing home 48 rolls of white double ply extra length gold, and we now had an extra bum to account for at home and an extra mouth to feed. Eish………….
People we have a problem…..
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline big oil

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #482 on: March 16, 2020, 06:50:09 am »
I think Jacinda, and her fine ass, imposed a 14 day quarantine upon entry.

Yo ass a git turnt round !!
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Offline Fudmucker

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #483 on: March 17, 2020, 09:06:16 am »
Brace yourselves its madness out there!!!!!
AIRHEADS ARE AN ADMIRABLE ADDICTION !
Life is far too short to be taken too seriously.
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #484 on: March 18, 2020, 12:59:29 am »
Aint that the truth.
 :biggrin:
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #485 on: March 18, 2020, 03:20:17 am »
So we need a break from Corona and travel bans etc etc.
Coincidentally we have reached the story when i was travelling.....

Its 04:27… the numbers are fuzzy and my eye sight is failing, the slow second pulse of the colon between the 04 and the 27 serves as a reminder that every time it flashes I have less time to wait for the alarm to rouse me from the slumber I was supposed to be enjoying.
The clock eventually changes to 04:28 and as the number flips over I imagine a rusty steel plate flipping over on a workshop floor, a plume of dust is scattered and there is some dramatic music playing in the background.
Alas there is no music, there is no dust and there is no workshop. There is however a pressure from my bowel and in one minute I need to move my ass through the shower so that I can catch a taxi to the airport.
If you are reading this letter I’m going to share something personal with you, something I’m not proud of, but I’ve been told that getting stuff like this out in the open is part of the healing process.
Together “we” that’s you the reader and me the writer, “we” can get through this…. I think that in this particular case context is going to be my catalytic agent for forgiveness and healing.  :3some:

As I said its 04:28 I’m lying in bed waiting for the alarm to go off at 4:30 I can’t sleep as I’m thinking about all the things that can go wrong on a 14 hour flight to the “greatest country on earth” the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, I’m also thinking about crossing borders, my “worlds view” and how proud my cubs scouts leader would have been if we had kept in contact, but, I was only 7 years old when we moved away and to honest at 7 years old I was not really thinking that far into the future.
Anyhoooooooooooo I was up before the alarm and double checked that I had everything that I needed and kissed wonder woman goodbye.
I was out the door waiting for the taxi when I realized that my morning routine was out of whack. I had forgotten to go for a dump. Which is ok because 04:30 is a bit early for a dump anyway. And once I’m through customs there will be plenty of time to drop a dark hostage so no stress.
After forking out a thankfully company refunded $112 for the taxi I went through the check-in process, border control process, security process and who knows what else.
When I got to the waiting lounge I strolled around the duty free section checking out the price of powdered milk and scheeming how I can make money from powdered milk when I got a call from my boss. He is in the business class lounge and wanted to know if I would like to join him?....
Does a bear shit in the woods?
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it is the man still wrong?
The answer was a RESOUNDING YES… he meets me outside and I’m allowed into the hallowed grounds for the special people club, there is free shit everywhere.
This is a South African dream come true, there is even a bar,……….free………….bar……….free………free…. If I had words to describe that moment I would have said something like, this is incredible, but all I could get out was GGGRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA, my boss was all “harry casual,” and sat down. I (on da other hand Darren) was off to grab free breakfast, double helpings of crispy bacon, 3 hash browns, beans, an omelette, and some more bacon, coffee and then some yogurt so I could tell wonder woman that I had had a healthy breakfast.  ;D
I chowed that down and had my eye on the beer fridge and was wondering how I could get that into my Sippy cup without looking like first timer…. My plan was almost perfectly formulated when I was interrupted by roaming waitress handing out free, yes, free, toasted sarmies.  ;D BOOM I sommer had 2 of those as well.
The coffee kicked in and I realized that the special club also has special toilets. Its proper, let me tell you, full size mirror, nice comfortable seat, draws, zonkie….
Anyway I’m sitting there waiting for what must come naturally, but, nothing does. It’s just hot air, lots of it, and my shit particles are thick, the extractor fan takes on a different tone for a few seconds and then returns to normal. While I’m chillaxing taking in the view there is an announcement that its 8:30 and time to board.
Pressing the fast forward button on the story I get through 3 movies on the plane and I can feel that is time try again.
Before I carry on, I just want to discuss this mile-high club fantasy: 2 thoughts
1. Anybody that actually gets laid in an aeroplane toilet is probably 10cm tall and weighs 10 kg.
2. It cannot be comfortable, how do 2 people work out the mechanics of doing what is necessary in such a confined space…

I was thinking about suggesting to wonder woman that we should give it a go but decided that because the door opens inwards we may make the 7 news headlines. I can see it now:
“Odd looking Couple Rescued from Aeroplane Toilet by State Emergency Services”.
In the interview the SES official spokesperson is quoted saying.
“Ah mate, it was a standard call out to the Tullamarine airport where a couple got trapped in the toiled on a A380”
“The real challenge of this rescue was trying to loosen the woman’s superhero cape that had somehow wrapped around the naked man’s face and had been sucked into the toilet when she had accidently flushed the toilet at that pivotal moment.”
In a follow up article the headline was: "The kinky duo  were not available for comment and Victoria Police search results have currently returned nought."
Ahhh what an adventure that could be…...

Where was I, Oh ja, So there I am sitting in this tiny cubicle of sexual fantasies and all I can do is nothing, No KAK, I’m now farting enough to fill a hot air balloon but that’s all. Oh well back to my seat and watch some more movies I suppose. We eventually land in L.A and it’s a mad rush to get through customs, security (just in case someone gave me shiv on the aeroplane 300000 feet in the air with only ocean below for 11000km), I’m asked extra questions because of my Green Passport, and I’m answering the questions very carefully because if that guy decides that he needs to put a glove on, well, we are all going to be in trouble. Just saying…….
I’m turtle heading now, but the discomfort is not overbearing.
Like a ninja I have managed to use will power to control my organs, like most minions can control their breathing, I have mastered the art of controlling my heartbeat, bowel and bladder…. Sort of.
This time I tell myself. “Self, its only 6 more hours on the next plane and then you will be in Boston where you will have a hotel room and then you can let her rip”
Satisfied with my pep talk my body has obeyed the self-inflicted instruction and goes into the mind induced comatose'd state of well-heeled travelers.
Slowly but surely though, the pies, chips, the breakfast in the larney lounge, the three full-sized meals on the flight and the packets of peanuts have made their way through my intestinal tract and are waiting at the exit.

Ever been to a busy shopping mall with an escalator where people have decided that they want to travel to the top so they jump on and get to the top, but when they get there, they stand at the top of the stairs and wonder which way to go. The escalator doesn’t care it’s still delivering people to the top and space is becoming limited, the people on the stairs start worrying about how they are going to get off and there is not tuning around.
That’s what my colon was looking like. Turds at the top wondering where to go, and there was more on the way.
We landed in Boston and got to our hotel, now I understand how it feels to be like a comrades runner hitting the grass, the body is gone, its tired and broken, only the mind can get me to the finish.
The lady at the counter smiles and says “you are in a shared room, floor 7 yada , yada, yada…”
I’m in a room with my boss….. I have a sadza snake like a python and my boss is going to be there to share this experience with me.
We get to our room and I’m hoping he will phone his wife or something but he just sits around and talks shit about leggo and stuff.  :bueller:
I can’t concentrate any more I bite the bullet. I say to him. “Listen I have to go for a shit”
…. There is an awkward silence and we try not to make eye contact while I make my way to the white throne.
I sit down and do my absolute best make this a quiet one. It’s not…. But the relief is noteworthy, I used to wonder what it’s like to carry a baby for nine months and then “BOOM” it’s out. Well, Now I know. We didn’t have a scale in the room but I recon I lost like 5 kg in one shot. It smells so bad that I have to flush, twice! (did I mention that the extractor fan is not working, and there is no spray)  :o
If you have got this far you and you are wondering what I’m not proud of, and why I’m looking for acceptance.. ok…….here goes.
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor. This stain of embarrassment was going nowhere.
No amount of flushing preying or carefully laid toilet paper was going to get rid of this, and to top it all off. It was a sub-mariner skid mark.
No problem I say to myself, I’m no stranger to cleaning a skid mark or two, after all I have two teenage kids. I just need a toilet brush……………………Guess what, No toilet brush!!!!! :o
So now what? I have to grab toilet paper, and rub it off with toilet paper,but this process means putting my ENTIRE hand into the water.
I have flushed 3 times already and I’m wondering what my boss is thinking about what I’m doing in the toilet? I recon I have one more flush before he starts asking questions. So I man up and commit. I get toilet paper, and clean that bowl getting my hand wet up to my watch band. Wait….. there is more…….  :eek7:
The basin to wash up in, is not in the toilet room it’s outside in the room..............and guess who is using the basin when I walk out of the bathroom, one hand dripping wet….
Bingo!!!!!You guessed it. My boss.……
As I write this letter in the foyer of the hotel I’m wondering if he is discovering the fact that there is no toilet brush in the bathroom…..
Oh the USA is also nice.
I fly to SA in 5 days.. cant wait to see you all and shake your hands!!!!!!!!  ;D
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline Welsh

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #486 on: March 18, 2020, 07:00:41 am »
Would this be a shituation comedy?  :sip:
When is this "Old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?
 

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #487 on: March 18, 2020, 10:20:07 am »
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor.


 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :lol8: :lol8:
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Offline jaybiker

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #488 on: March 18, 2020, 05:21:58 pm »
Sitcom producers would pay big for that kind of writing.  :imaposer: Ever considered a change of career?  :laughing4:
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Offline mox

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #489 on: March 18, 2020, 08:06:53 pm »
Almost shat myself laughing, actually touched cloth  :spitcoffee:
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #490 on: March 18, 2020, 09:07:34 pm »
Quote
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor.

Harleys can burnout?
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Offline Pilchie

Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #491 on: March 18, 2020, 10:16:15 pm »
 :imaposer: :imaposer:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #492 on: March 19, 2020, 12:56:56 am »
Quote
After I flushed there was this skid mark, it looked like Harley Davidson fat boy had done a burnout on the dealership shop floor.

Harleys can burnout?
With Great Difficulty!!!
There are a few conditions that need to be met first.
1. Rider should be overweight, sweaty and have a beard. Should also be seen walking in chaps, and shiny boots.
2. Floor should be smooth and clean, a light film of floor wax is a must and finally
3. The rider should be uber talented to twist the throttle, hold the front break, release the clutch and maintain balance at the same time.

True Story, I've witnessed something close to this in a pub in Botswana,
points 1. and 2 tick.
point 3. was where it went wrong, the front wheel pushed up against the wall and rode up onto the counter.......  :biggrin: have pictures to prove it LOL 

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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #493 on: March 19, 2020, 12:58:09 am »
Sitcom producers would pay big for that kind of writing.  :imaposer: Ever considered a change of career?  :laughing4:
Thanks, I'm not sure that I want to clean toilets for a living though.  ;D
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #494 on: March 19, 2020, 12:59:13 am »
Would this be a shituation comedy?  :sip:

The next part should answer that question..... :sip:
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline Sam

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #495 on: March 19, 2020, 10:03:06 am »
Reminds me of the time that my mate's watchstrap broke just as he was shaking off over one of those porta-loos at a function. He came back inside, and I was wondering why he was wanting to shake everyones hands.........! Heh. He showed me his blue stained fingernails that he got from that blue chemical shite that they use in those loos  - they were stained while he was busy fishing his pricey watch out of the bowl.......
 

Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #496 on: March 20, 2020, 03:52:13 am »
 :laughing4: :laughing4:
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #497 on: March 20, 2020, 03:59:41 am »
As I write this letter in the foyer of the hotel I’m wondering if he is discovering the fact that there is no toilet brush in the bathroom…..
That’s how I ended my last letter. I if I had waited just one more day, it would have ended very differently.
I discovered the next day that along with no toilet brush there was also no plunger. It was sometime during the day when I returned to the room, I took a leak and flushed the toilet.  :lol8:
To my horror the water level started to rise, I looked around like there was somebody standing behind me and wanted to say “it wassent me”.
Now what?  :eek7:
It’s one of those situations where you have a choice. A flush again? Or wait and see?
I decided that I would wait and see. I had some work to do, so I opened my laptop and banged out some emails, did some IOT (Internet of things) stuffs and about an hour later it was time, the Triple D’s type food was making an attempt to escape the confines of my colon.
I returned to the toilet and to my delight the water level had subsided to normal levels.
Just to check I flushed again to see if the blockage was clear. As the level water level increased so did my anxiety.  :imaposer:
My body had now moved into release mode and it was time to make a plan. I checked for a plunger, hoping beyond hope that there would be one.
Alas just like the toilet brush, in the place a plunger should be, was only fresh air. The pressure from the rear, was building, sweat was staring to bead on my forehead and this was forcing a decision.
I looked around for something that could be used. I was thinking use a shoe, what else is there?
As I was walking back to the bathroom, shoe in hand, I spotted the plastic disposable water cups next to the basin. Phew!!!! Hallelujah, Praise be, I was not going to have to explain how my shoe got shit in it.
I took this plastic cup sent from heaven, I remembered to remove my watch this time, got on my knees and I worked that shitbucket like a tree feller trying to pullstart a faulty chainsaw.  :lol8:
It takes 7+ years to become a Gastroenterologist and it took me five seconds to know that its not one my top 1000 jobs I want to do.
Eventually the water drained. My colour returned to my face, and I could drop the kids off at the pool safe in the knowledge that there was a backup cup in case it all went wrong again..
To be honest, it took me two days before I could look at myself in the mirror and not wonder in amazement of the things I can do if I need to poo.
Lets make America Great Again!!! You can start by supplying toilet brushes and plungers in the hotel rooms.
 O0
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #498 on: March 20, 2020, 08:31:15 am »
:eek:
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Offline Ri

Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #499 on: March 20, 2020, 09:54:26 pm »
:eek:

Indeed.

I suspect your boss will never, ever again share a room with you :eek: