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Author Topic: Australia.... The Island Saga  (Read 30332 times)

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Online BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #540 on: April 02, 2020, 10:47:30 pm »
The Average price if biltong is about $80/kg

BOZO how does Aussie made biltong that you buy taste? Also as crappy as the US made Beef Yerky?
When its at $80/ kg I have not really had the chance to taste too much, but, Tony the owner of  "Tonys" the South African shop is a butcher and he make pretty decent biltong.
He is also the guy that cuts my rump for me. I like it thick and large.
When I walk into his shop he just looks at me and asks how many pieces I want.  :drif: :drif: :drif:
By the end of this lock down we will just be gooi-ing hand signals :imaposer:
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #541 on: April 02, 2020, 10:49:44 pm »
Is that shed your garage?  :eek7:

Was also wondering... looks bigger than the house :eek:
Ja its a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeg one.
I'm busy trying to sort it out so that we can get cars bikes and pool tables moved around easily.
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Offline ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #542 on: April 02, 2020, 10:50:18 pm »
 Tony the owner of  "Tonys" the South African shop

Is Tony a Aussie or Saffer?
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Online BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #543 on: April 02, 2020, 11:10:02 pm »
Tony the owner of  "Tonys" the South African shop

Is Tony a Aussie or Saffer?

He is a Saffer been here for about 13 years I think.
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Offline DeeCeeBee

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #544 on: April 03, 2020, 03:36:43 am »
Hi Bozo,

I am really enjoying this thread immensely  ;D
I made the move to Tasmania just over 4 years ago and am in the process of applying for my Aussie citizenship.
Your humorous writing has been an absolute joy to read  :thumleft:

If you are ever over the ditch in Tas, I would really like to buy you a beer  ;D

Howzit from the slightly warmer part of the southern tip of the island!!
Thanks for the compliment :thumleft:
I will definitely contact you when I come over there.
Please do the same if you ever have to come round to the big smoke!!!

Thanks very much  :thumleft:
One day when I am big... I am planning on touring the Great Ocean Road on 2 wheels  :ricky:
All the best for the days ahead in this weird time we are trying to navigate.
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #545 on: April 06, 2020, 02:02:10 am »

It was just over a year ago, we were halfway through our eight months of winter and there was a break in the cold weather the sun was shining through the clouds.
We took the opportunity and were sitting outside charging our bodies with Vitamin D. Trenticles had pulled some teenager attitude, he cracked the shits, and was in his room.
In his defiance of adults, he had slammed his door and was pumping his speaker. There was some strange "music" coming from his room where the "artist" kept saying his own name in the Lyrics. 
This "Artist" it seemed, had learned to sing at the same place his stylist had learned to size clothing. It was all "bitches be real, I gotta gat in my hand and my boyz be realz, I be dope yo!" while his pants were falling off his skinny ass and his peak cap was on sideways.
Wonder Woman being in with the “fo shizzle ma nizzle” crowd was bopping her head to this ghastly din. Spiderpig rolled his eyes and shook his head in a disapproving manner that made me think there was hope for at least one of my offspring. It felt like we had a moment there, he must have used his spidey-senses and picked up on this moment and said.
“I'm not going to be like Trenticles when I'm a teenager. In fact, I’m not going to be your typical Teenager at all!!”
He was 12 years 1 month and 3 days old.
And Now... 360 odd days later, he is 13. An official Teenager...
Those words so eloquently spoken. Those sweet words absorbed and taken to heart.
Those words so true, so very very true, but also wide off the mark... you see when I heard "I won’t be like Trent", and "I won’t be your typical teenager". I imagined, how do I say this? anything but a Teenager......
Spiderpig, for just over a month now has been a teenager. And slowly but surely over just 3 weeks we have seen those words fade, faster than my favorite Metallica tee shirt.
He was given PlayStation earphones for his birthday which he wears permanently. I’m sure that if we were to take a before and after picture you will see that his skull is slowly changing shape as they squeeze the brains from his skull, his constant sniffing must be his effort to keep the brains from leaking out.
If they are not plugged into the PlayStation, they are plugged into his phone.  This should have been the first indication to me that he will not be like a typical teenager.
The shortening of his tendons in his arms from consistently holding a remote or a phone has given him the look of a person permanently holding a book. Only it’s not a book it’s a phone or a remote.

Teenagers seem to know everything. It’s a story we all know too well, hell we were teenagers too. Which means we should be equipped to deal with them.
“Ya Right!!”. If Teenagers seem to know everything, Spiderpig knows even more. Every Conversation lately that I have with him goes a bit like this.
“Max you need to brush your teeth before you leave for school”
“I know”
“Max Dinner is ready”
“I know”
Or how about this morning’s conversation.
“Morning Max”
“I know”
“Max did you eat all the two-minute noodles?”
“No, I didn’t”
And so it goes. He may use short sentences, they may not be very descriptive, but they are clear and easy to understand for an old fart like me.
He is a very clever guy…. Not only has Google Expanded his mental capacity beyond human proportions but he has also been developing his physical abilities by being plugged into to PlayStation and YouTube Spiderpig has used the monkey see monkey do method of learning to pick up a multitude of dance moves.
If you know Spiderpig then you know he can dance, sometimes he looks like a backup dancer in a Michael Jackson Music Video. If I were to do a comparison between Trenticles, myself and Spiderpig we (Trenticles and myself)  look like we are auditioning for a role in Monty Pythons the ministry of funny walks.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8)
It’s all uncoordinated knees, flat feet and floppy arms, half a beat behind, pulling a face that looks like we are eating hot chillies, while spiderpig is kapping a moon walk on ice.

**HI-JACK-ON**.... If you combine dance moves and music it just works.
What I mean is. If you are into rap music and you watch rap dancers you know its rap. There is a lot of crotch grabbing, thick chains, flash cars, fake money throwing and slight bopping movement of the head.
If you are into Metal you know its metal because there is long hair, black makeup and headbanging happening.
If its Afrikaans, there is veldskoens, khaki pants, floral skirts and Sokie, and if its rock there is air guitar, air drums, foot tapping etc etc....
My point here is. If you were watching someone dance but you couldn’t hear the music you would be able to tell what kind of music it was.....

Spiderpig wears his earphones so we don’t have to hear his music and as Spiderpig’s worlds view has been developed from YouTube and PlayStation, that’s the only music he knows......
I assume it’s the gripping sound tracks of Double Dragon, Packman and Donkey Kong. His dance moves are an eclectic collection of five to seven dance styles all merged in to one.
These dance moves come at random times. You could be walking down the street, in the mall or just standing in the kitchen and it happens like a heart attack.
Out of the blue he starts gyrating and flopping his arms round like he is being attacked by a swarm of bats. Before you can react its over like it never happened. Trenticles seems to have a sixth sense about these things in public and tends to walk three meters in front or behind us.
**BYE-JACK**

Its Thursday night I'm in the kitchen making a gourmet meal consisting mince, frozen veg and Pasta. Wonder Woman is at the gym, Trenticles and Spiderpig are on the prowl for food and every now and again emerge from their separate dungeons to see if the chow is ready.
Spiderpig is so hungry he is ready to eat the fridge door, and I think Trenticles has already started on his rugby boot. All is peaceful on the island. I’m watching "The Chase" and hitting a 70% correct answer average. I hear one of the dungeon doors open and Spiderpig emerges hoping that on his 3rd time round that the food is ready.
It’s his lucky day. I’m about to dish.
If you want to understand what dishing up is like in our house, try handing a nice juicy steak to a pack of Hyena’s.
I hand this dish of gastronomic satisfaction, brimming with pasta nests filled with mince and a delicate topping of Parmesan cheese and good old salt and pepper to Spiderpig and  turn to dish for Trenticles who is still in his room waiting for his daily special invite to join us for dinner, when it happens. :eek7:


Spiderpig attempts to sit on the Lazyboy, one hand carrying the phone, one hand carrying the food, two fingers holding the earphones, one eye on the phone watching YouTube, one eye on the tv watching "The Chase" one leg trying to push down the foot rest on the lazyboy and one leg, the last hope of mankind, his only real connection to the human race and mother earth, deserted him right there.
It decided that it was time to kap a move and do a jiggy. He collapsed into the chair. The dish of life giving sustenance, food fit for a king, slipped off the plate in slow motion onto his crotch.  :o
The heat transfer speed and mechanics that I wont get into now, reprogrammed Spiderpig’s brain and taught him rap and break dance moves in under 1 second.
He went from being a lazyboy with food on his lap to a heavy metal, crotch banging, baggy pants, celtic sword dancer with a high pitched lonely dog howl.
I spun round to see the last part of his new dance and the remainder of the food float to the floor. 
Which had just been mopped by yours truly. The plate had hardly stopped spinning on its final resting place when my blood pressure was topping out at one bazillion over eighty-eight.
He looked at me with eyes that said here comes kak!!!
Using my outside voice I let loose!!!
“That happed because you are trying to do three hundred things at once!! Just for once put the effing phone down and concentrate.”
“I, I, I wasn’t doing three hundred things, it was the chairs fault”
So I said “You know what I don’t care! Clean that mess up now!”
He walks out of the lounge towards his bedroom. (my blood pressure has now increased to one bazillion and one) “Where are you going?” I ask between clenched jaws.
With an incredulous look he says, “To change my clothes!”
My blood pressure is now up another pip and I think I’m developing a nose bleed along with a twitch in my right eye.
“And the Chair and the food on the floor?”
“I Know, I will do that now” came his teenager response.
I’ve gone full tilt now, the twitch in my eye and my blood pressure has moved into something that should have a medical term because “shitting a cat” just doesn’t seem adequate right now.
Spiderpig realizes that he should probably leave his clothes for later and start with the lounge. He spins round and starts an unenthusiastic attempt at cleaning.
While he is on his knees pushing the food around on the floor, I say to him that it would work a lot better if he got the mop to clean the floor. He looks up, starts to roll his eye and says.
...wait for it….
”I know”
TWANG!!!!!!!!
Well, roll me up and call me curly. That my friends is the part where I went postal……. I looked down. There were two choices.
A very sharp expensive kitchen knife, and a fork.
Through the red mist I grabbed the fork and began throwing it at him. Halfway into my full speed throw I realized that explaining a fork pegged in a 13-year-old to the police on the island may be difficult.
So I held on for a split second longer, like a cricketer bowling a googly, before releasing this silver spiked projectile of death.
It arched through the air with reckless abandon. Spiderpig being on the receiving end of this event, froze like bambi in the headlights, his eyes growing larger as the fork flew towards him.
I’m not sure if he heard my voice trailing the fork
“Here’s your effing “I know” !!!”
When there’s a high-tension moment everything seems to move in slow motion, your senses become alive, colours are more vivid, smells are sharper and sounds clearer.
We watched this four pronged, fifteen centimetre, silver projectile bounce off the floor, its momentum and the angle that it hit the ground at changed the end destination.
With no fleshy object in its path to stop it, it bowed up passed spiderpig, who was watching it like a ball boy at Wimbledon, until it reached its final destination:
Directly into the middle of the 48” flat screen TV. Where it promptly stayed. The 48" of high definition picture no longer there, replaced with a high colour shattered mirror.
Spiderpig’s head rotated slowly back towards me his eyes now stuck in his head, no chance of them rolling now. There is a pregnant silence.
It’s not his fault we have a fork in our TV and now is not the time to be clever and point out that fact.
All I could say was still in my outside voice. “And Now I have a fucked TV”…… >:(
Trenticles hearing the commotion emerged from his room, ready to jump on the bandwagon and kak his brother out.
As he rounded the corner, he looked at my face then at spiderpig still semi frozen over a plate of spaghetti on the floor and the fork in the TV, he pirouetted and went back into his room, not even bothering to ask about dinner, his rugby boot was looking pretty tasty now. Wisely he knew that sometimes it’s best to just walk away.
The story should end there but there are four people that live in this house. Three have been actively involved up until now.
The last one at this point doesn’t know this has happened. Wonder woman is on her way home and someone has to “Please Explain”…
All of a sardine the roles are reversed. I’m about to get two to three weeks of pregnant silence. There’s the guilt trip and the accusatory looks. To make matters worse, I know spiderpig is going to milk this for as long as possible, one puppy faced emotion bending look into his mothers eyes and I’m a dead man.
This is not something you cover with a carpet. I man up and think it could have been worse. I don’t know how but it could have. 
AAAANNNNYYYYYYYYWAAYYYY.. All I can say is it went well. Wonder Woman doesn’t shout, she doesn’t stamp her feet, she doesn’t even sit us down for a quick lecture. She just says:
“That’s an expensive way to lose your temper”.
Even when we bought a new UHDTV…Eish…. Someone’s gonna kak soon. As a way to beg for forgiveness I have not included any comments about RENAULT's or Landrovers.  Please send happy thoughts.
Until next time Friends…. If there is 😊
ZOY!!
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Offline Wayne

Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #546 on: April 06, 2020, 09:11:58 am »
Man the wife and I have tears of laughter running down our faces. This was hilarious.

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Offline RrP

Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #547 on: April 06, 2020, 05:30:12 pm »
Bozo this latest saga is most unfortunate, everytime I see someone with earphones on now will be a reminder of a fork buried in a TV !! Keep em coming.

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Offline mox

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #548 on: April 06, 2020, 05:53:13 pm »
BOZO you need to publish this shit, your take on things is fucking halarious!  :spitcoffee:
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #549 on: April 08, 2020, 05:18:08 am »
So not tooo much happening here. I assume that all the normal lurkers are having too much fun at home to have time to browse the Forum.  :pot:
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Offline funky_munky

Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #550 on: April 08, 2020, 11:35:54 am »
BOZO, this is some of the most entertaining reading I have done all day, my wife was rolling on the floor, says she can so relate to it, She has subsequently sent it to her friends to read.
 
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Online BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #551 on: April 14, 2020, 06:48:34 am »
BOZO, this is some of the most entertaining reading I have done all day, my wife was rolling on the floor, says she can so relate to it, She has subsequently sent it to her friends to read.
Thanks, Glad you are enjoying the thread!!   :thumleft:
Hope her friends don't think I'm weird or anything   :o  :biggrin:
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Offline Welsh

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #552 on: April 14, 2020, 06:55:41 am »
So not tooo much happening here. I assume that all the normal lurkers are having too much fun at home to have time to browse the Forum.  :pot:

So much fun Bozo, my wife has exhausted her stash of smokes, I fear for my life.  :o
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Online BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #553 on: April 14, 2020, 07:41:42 am »
So not tooo much happening here. I assume that all the normal lurkers are having too much fun at home to have time to browse the Forum.  :pot:

So much fun Bozo, my wife has exhausted her stash of smokes, I fear for my life.  :o
:laughing4: :laughing4: good luck mate, only another 21 days to go.... :o
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #554 on: April 14, 2020, 02:33:50 pm »
I would like to see the Leeuloop picture(s)... just saying....
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #555 on: April 15, 2020, 04:40:41 am »
I would like to see the Leeuloop picture(s)... just saying....
Ha Ha Ha.... It aint pretty. A few years ago I was at Eastwood in Cape Town. We were sitting at the back having a few cold ones with the owner. (the same guy that owns the one close to loftus). At some point in the evening the Manager told me that her party trick was being able to tie a knot into a cheery stalk with her tongue....
I should have known then, that this was probably a hint of where the evening could go  if I behaved myself and I was single. But being a touch daft I missed the obvious clues and said.
"LOL thats nothing. I can do the LeeuLoop."
It was possibly a bit too loud as I was overheard and encouraged to prove it.
While she was organizing the theme song I was standing behind the bar stripping off all of my kit. The barman, who was busy pouring a draught at the time, was very confused.
His confusion turned to horror when I smiled and said watch this.
I got on all fours, tucked my pendulating testicles between my thighs and reversed out from around the Bar Counter.
Sure enough about 30 seconds later the entire place was dumbstruck at the view.
The owner (thank goodness) thought that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen (at that point in time) and told me I could drink for free any time at his place.
ahhh good times.....
 :laughing4:
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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #556 on: April 15, 2020, 06:57:07 am »
So there I was standing in the kitchen at work, as per usual I was doing my best not to touch anything in the worlds filthiest kitchen, the toaster, toastie-maker and microwave had come to life and were starting to get cranky, I suppose that one would expect that after more than 837 days of being used more than once a day and never been cleaned.

For a moment there I was expecting Bella and the Tea Set from Beauty and the Beast to come around the corner singing some happy song about cleaning and living in a haunted castle with a deformed Tennant that kept one rose in glass jar... how mad is that for a fairy tale? …..
AANNNYYYYYWAY there I was trying not to touch anything in the kitchen, my hand was literally in the cookie jar retrieving yet another biscuit for the day when my mind said
“go ahead fatty have another one”….
To be completely honest I have not put on my takkies and gone for a run since arriving back on the island. The consequences of my laziness is that my pant kan like to be tights on the half parts of my bodies.
Overwhelmed by self-inflicted menial mental guilt I opened my grip slightly and tried to get more in my hand.
No point in wasting energy going back for seconds.
My thoughts caught me like a monkey stuck with its hand in the pumpkin, I was trapped, alone with no-one to answer to, like that last lonely beer in the fridge left to socialize with the 2% low fat milk and the kale (and lets be honest, nobody likes kale).
It was an isolated place to be caught. I can’t back down from a challenge, especially one I know I can win, so I took two biscuits and muttered to myself “Don’t tell me what to do!!”.
Retrospectively being a self-absorbed misanthrope with a slight narcissistic personality disorder has its advantages, you can tell yourself to piss off and walk away with a smile knowing that you kicked your own ass and you don’t even care.

With summer on the way I decided to use this little “motivational” self-chat to set myself a goal. 5kg by December, I’m not 100% sure if it was 5 up or 5 down but at least I have a number. I recon if I can bulk up 2½ in September, stabilize in October and then shed 3 in November I will have over achieved my goal and can go into summer looking dashing!!!
It’s Funny how plans work out. No sooner had I set myself a goal and life decided to hand out little gift cards in the form of an event at work on Spring day.
They had those triangle shaped bread things with some kind of disgusting edibles placed between them.
I’m so bored of my own cooking that I must have eaten a whole tray. I do remember at one stage, while protecting the snacks tray and giving a student the hairy eyeball, that they also had sesame seed rolls with cold cooked soggy pumpkin in it as a filling…….
what
the
actual
fuck!!!,
Lumpy unsalted baby purity on a roll.
I’m sorry that’s where I draw the line. My mind is trying to vomit just remembering it.
It’s as bad as when wonder woman boils fish and vegetables in the same pot and wants to share…… no…. just, no!!
It was a weight on weight off kinda day. 
This means that I spent my Springday stuck at a University helping students prepare their presentations for a hackathon event they had been working on for the last 2 days. (A hackathon is basically an industry funded event where you get volunteers to form a group and come up with ideas to solve an industry problem, the beauty is you can set your own rules and, in the end, own all the ideas that come out of it, sooo aka, free labour from an unsuspecting brains trusts)
As there was some serious money up for grabs for the teams, some wanted it more than others. First prize was $7000 second was $4000 and third was $3000. Convert that to any currency and it’s a lot of moola. Being on the island where handing out hugs is compulsory every team that took part did not go home empty handed, they each got $550 which they could share amongst themselves.
That’s like 11 cases of beer for each team!!!
With an average of 5 people in a team….. Ahhh to be a student again.
What did I get I hear you ask? Ke’? What What?
I just got to watch students struggle through presentations, bungle their demos and answer questions they did not understand.
That’s nine hours of my life I will never get back!!

In other news Trenticles has made the state rugby union team for u16’s. Obviously we are quite proud of the lad and I am secretly hoping that he lands a Bazzillon Dollar contract from VB, Malbro and BMW Motorrad.
If however, they don’t come to the party, I have started to brew my own beer and my yammie is on charge waiting for the sun to come out.

After our HDTV drama, Spiderpig has been given a pet, he calls it sherbert, I’m less original like that and have decided to call it rat. I based my decision on the fact that it’s a fat rat that shits a lot. He seems to be very pleased with it and I think like horse owners they are starting to look alike…..I just hope he doesn’t start eating grass and shitting on the floor. 

Ok one last quick story before I sign off.
Yesterday I heard on the news that it will be the warmest day in four months down here on the island, it’s going to be 24 degrees. I bet ¼ of Melbourne will be chucking a sickie and the beach will be full of lazy whatwhats. That’s not the interesting part. Today on the news, I heard that there were two separate incidents of people getting injured on mobility scooters. Firstly, a mobility scooter is supposed to be used by old people that can’t walk around.
So, it’s like an electric wheelchair with a steering wheel. Key phrases here are “old people” and “can’t walk around”.
This is the island and if you want to make the roads safe they (the government) make getting a driver’s license a 3 year ordeal with L plates then Red P plates, then Green P plates before you can officially be recognized as a “driver”.
Then they charge $700 for rego every year and you are put into a points system to make breaking the rules close to crippling, just to finish off the safety on the roads campaign they drop the speed limit to 50km/h so even the suicidal kangaroos can survive.
Ok now the roads are safe.
They are safe because 50% of the population have lost their licenses and are waiting for their points to come back in. (18 moths or something stupid)
The problem here, I have surmised is that these pointless people still need to get someplace…….. hey presto, like a light bulb turning on in an empty room, all of a sudden, here is an idea.
Let’s buy a mobility scooter.
•   It’s not a car,
•   You don’t need a licence,
•   You don’t have to pay $700 rego,
•   It’s got a steering wheel,
•   Its got a fair range and a boot to put the grog into when you pop down to the local bottle-o. WAIT IT GETS BETTER.
•   You can drive this puppy directly into the shop.
•   Yes!! all of a sardine the world is your drive thru…
Now back to my story.
The Island has lazy people, the weather was 24 degrees the warmest it’s been in the last 4 months, there are 24 beers in a case of VB, there are 24 Hours in a day. Coincidence?
I think not! If you put 2 and 2 together, you don’t need to be Nancy Drew, to connect the dots.
These okes were out on the piss and joy riding, when they found out that playing chicken with a truckie was a bad idea.
I recon to punish them they should make them drive RENAULT’s for 6 months.
No that’s a bit cruel, 2 months, is more humane.
Be cool people, Summer is on its way, BOOYAAAAAAAA.

Zoy!!!!!
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
1150 GS, 1200 GSA, 125 KX, WR450  (all sold) :(
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Online BOZO

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #557 on: April 16, 2020, 05:15:47 am »

**Random Thought**
I think I need to add the date (approximate) that I wrote each of these letters it will give some idea of a time line.
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline roxenz

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #558 on: April 16, 2020, 07:08:28 am »

**Random Thought**
I think I need to add the date (approximate) that I wrote each of these letters it will give some idea of a time line.

Naah, don't bother. The randomness fits with the randomness of your thoughts... It all makes sense! 😅
 

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Re: Australia.... The Island Saga
« Reply #559 on: April 21, 2020, 06:31:20 am »
OK!!!!!! Story time again. I think this was October 2018

Walking down the stairs with my new glasses I realized that it was time to loose weight or get one of those string jobbies for my glasses.
That’s how life changing events happen, some random realization of an everyday thing…..
I have now reached the age where my eyes are no longer far lookers or near lookers they are basically just orbs that let light into my skull.  ::)
Although the optometrist was very good at her explanation of my failing eyesight hearing the news that I was going to need bi-focals was like stubbing your baby toe against the coffee table at 3 in the morning.
Having bi-focals is not the major issue here, in fact its great. I can now see a lot more than usual like 50% more….. The problem is getting used to them. 
These glasses are not like the olden day ones that have that line in the middle. Just thinking about that gives me the shivers.

I remember when the teacher gives you a note for behaviour or homework not done or some other kak and you need to go to the office.
The head of department, some late 40’s red nosed, blotchy cheeked, angry man living in denial over the fact that he should have listened to his friends and become a car sales man instead of a teacher, takes the note and with a deep sigh, settles back in his chair.
He knows what’s in the note.
You know what’s in the note.
You know that he knows what in the note.
And he knows that you know what’s in the note. 
It’s not pretty. As he puts on his glasses you can see a slight smile start to crack on his dry lips, the yellow tobacco stained teeth showing you the real reason he became a teacher and not a car salesman.
Because “vandag pappie gaan you gat brant”. He slowly opens the note taking care to make as much fuss as possible and that’s where the bi-focals kick in.
Keeping his head at a constant 45 Degree angle the eyes jump from the note to you standing on the other side of the desk. The clear line in the glasses exaggerating the transitions.
The office is quiet, except for the creak of the government sponsored chair, the laboured breathing of the fat guy on said chair and the nervous shuffle of you moving from foot to foot.
You know you should have put the hymn book in your underpants but now its too late…… There’s no time for excuses there are only choices, you can have the thick cane, the thin one or you can let him have his choice.
The time is short to choose because the creaky government chair is being wheeled around the table and by the time it gets there it’s time to hold onto the chair handles and hope that he is feeling under the weather….
In all my years of school, I have never had a head of department that has felt that under the weather to not let loose a beating of mass proportions tantamount to an excited sadist clubbing seals on a week day.

Hmmm seems I went a bit of track there. OH Well.  So yes I have these new near-far-lookers. And after a month I can almost walk around without feeling like my one eye has popped out and is dangling from a thread giving me false feedback about where I’m going.
On a number of occasions I’ve had to stop and wait for my brains to catch up with my eyes….. or the other way round… But I do have a daily challenge, you see at the end of a hard days slog at the office I pack up my laptop bag as quickly as possible and head out of the office.
We are on the second floor, and there is a flight of stairs to go down. Having near-far-lookers and descending a flight of stairs has now become a challenge, I can’t take my goggles of as I won’t be able to see anything and the near bit of the near-far bit is only in the middle of the lens, and the far bit of the near-far bit is all around the outside.
It doesn’t help that I stand at the top of the stairs looking like a chameleon with one eye on the target and the other looking for a soft place to land, hand gripping the balustrade in that slow-motion double forwards forwards back move that they do. I understand now why they walk like that.
The solution to this particular problem is easy: I just need to tilt my head when going down the stairs. That will get the near- bit of the near-far bit in the correct visual range there by making the decent, seamless and easy..…
By now you must be wondering if I have the same problem going up the stairs?? Well I don’t and the reason is simple.…I don’t have a double-whammy chin on the back of my neck. Yes there is some extra meat/blubber/cushioning there but that’s used as a pillow on the couch or on long flights, but, more importantly, it doesn’t hinder my ability to ascend a flight of stairs….
On a metaphysical level part of solving a problem is understanding it and the factors that surround it. Then once you have collected all the information, you can assess what can be fixed and what cant.
For this problem I knew that the stairs can’t change, their degree if incline and decline is fixed, my eyes are expensive to fix and my job can’t change for at least the next 13 months.
The only solutions possible are:
•   Get a longer neck
•   Loose a fat roll on the neck there by allowing for greater angular movement of my upper cervical vertebrae.

Obviously, solution one is the by far the easiest method and requires very little effort from all parties involved.
A quick search on google informed me that if I cross dressed and integrated myself with the Kayan Lahwi I would after a few years have a longer neck and formidable collection of brass rings.
(I wonder if the men have a similar custom…you know….for down under… ;) .)
After some pondering over this matter I decided against it based on the following facts.
1.   If there is internet there is probably going to be pretty slow.
2.   Spiderpig and Trenticles seem to have settled quite well here on the island
3.   Wonder woman’s OCD’ness with cleaning a packed-mud floor may impact our nuptial blissfulnesses
4.   If we move there, there won’t be these stairs to descend and I may forget the purpose of elongating my neck and collecting brass. (wonder if they get that green ring on their necks when they sweat?)

This left me with only one option.
Loose the fat roll… :o…the one on the front.. I had a look in the mirror and to my surprise the fat roll / double chin had dropped a touch, in fact it had slid directly past my nipples and got stuck above my belt and seemingly decided to settle there, I can see that the struggle for the old muscle and fat to remain in their original position was real as there are these healed claw marks around my midsection that I don’t remember getting…
It a pity really, that some, not a lot, didn’t slip past the belt buckle and beef me up in the manhood department… oh well. I suppose 10” on a toothpick is more impressive than 10” on an elephant…. 
So with all of this in mind I had to improve my daily physical workout, or eat less…. If you don’t count the biscuits that I eat at work then I only eat once a day and because of this I’m not giving up the good stuff. Fuck that!!
So I guess that its exercise then… I had been mulling with the idea to extend my every second day 6km run to possibly 8km or even go for gold and set a target of 10km but I’m not one to overuse other people’s oxygen also I start to breathe quite heavily after just 5km..ok ok 500m…
While I was rethinking the neck extensions and trying to justify the costs of lost love and permanent residency, Trenticles strolled into the kitchen with his usual bravado.
After the Rugby Tour with the Rebels u16s and being invited to join a Special Training Squad for u18 for next year, he is walking a bit taller and is a little more cocksure than usual.
We chatted about his future and all the squillions he was going to make, I talked about how I was going to invest his hard earned cash into my retirement fund account  etc.
We chatted about how he will need to bulk up for u18’s and what what. Somehow, and I think it may have been the beer, he said that he needs a gym partner and I agreed.
Fok…. I’m 26 years his senior I have not set foot in a gym for waaaaayyy longer than that… I mean He plays rugby for the rebels and I play mostly with my balls.
All I can say is we went to gym and on day one we gym’d HARD I was lifting weights like an old pro wrestler in denial. After all I can’t let some 16 year old lightie beat me!!
My heart rate was beyond the safety limit but I pushed on, harder that what I probably should have. MAN I looked good.. That was yesterday…..
Today however. The lactic acid that build up in my body is trying desperately to release itself, the layer of FAT is keeping it hostage and it’s not happy.
Any movement, even blinking is so incredibly sore that I want to vomit. I’m sitting at my desk in the office, my cup of coffee is in front of me and it hurts to much to lift it to my mouth. Sobbing is out of the question….
I can’t go on. Even typing is an effort…. All this pain to be able walk down stairs without a double chin!!!
If some of this doesn’t make sense, it’s because I’m taking voltaren like smarties.
Hopefully next time I write to you my body shape will not be ballish and more moreish…. < see what I did there    :deal:
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
1150 GS, 1200 GSA, 125 KX, WR450  (all sold) :(
XT660Z