So I have been away for a While but now I'm back briefly
This was written mid 2017....
We are well into winter on the island and here it doesn’t come gently like it does on the mainland. There (the mainland) the African weather progresses like a queue in any government department, where the squares on the linoleum floor that have been haphazardly placed down over 40 years ago still serve as a distraction to pass the time as you try to figure out the logic to the pattern with the off coloured tiles.
The gentle breeze that brings in the chilled air slowly drops the temperature over the period of 3 weeks, pushing you unconsciously to dig into the back of the cupboard to find your winter woollies and remind yourself to buy that extra gas bottle this winter so you have it when there is a 3 day cold snap and none of the garages have gas bottles.
Here it’s a little different, in “Mel-Bourne” on the Sothern tip of the island the seasons change like a woman’s mood with PMS or a handprint mark on your back after a running-fuck-slap (personally I’ll take a RFS before a PMS Woman). One minute you are out in the garden sucking back on a stubbie, munching on a snagg, and the next thing its pissing down with rain, the the day becomes an hour shorter and the temperature plummets for the next five months to between 8 and 13 degrees. (at least with a RFS the pain subsides and your ribs heal)
Winter does bring winter sports however, and in Victoria, they don’t know what rugby is but they do love their footy.
I did try to explain footy and its rules a little in an earlier letter but now that Trenticles is playing it I have developed a broader understanding of the sport.
While it’s still a coconut kicking contest where the locals basically run around in laat-my-sterk-lyk-hempies and tight shorts. Its more than that, it’s an all-inclusive sport.
Firstly, the field is roundish, not because they are using a cricket pitch, or it made sense to use a rugby field, or a soccer field or hockey field or an athletics field. Its round because when they were measuring the size of the field there was only one person to do it. That said person decided to peg the one end of the string in the ground and just walk in a big ass circle.
Each side has 18 players, this is not because the field is so big, it’s because the island is an all-inclusive-group-hug kind of place and we would want to hurt someone’s feelings by making them a reserve and have them sit on the bench.
In every game, (no matter what kind of game, rugby, hocky etc..) you need a referee and in footy this is not different.
Well, actually, it is a little different. Being an all-inclusive-group-hug kind of place one referee is not enough, there is the main referee and then there are / can be an additional four, yes pappie that’s an additional 4 referees running around on the field assisting the main referee to blow the whistle, which they blow everytime someone catches a ball that someone else kicked.
It sounds a bit like a toi-toi outside a taxi rank sometimes. The referee positions are skilled positions and you need to go through years of training to become an official and get your green jersey. For example, after the ball has traversed the centre poles, there are four poles on each end, the man in the lab coat violently waves two white flags like is trying to surrender to the other man on the other side who is playing mirror mirror, the ball is given to the main Referee who takes it to the centre of the field and bounces it into the air so that the game can begin again.
Before he bounces it again however the other four referees have to stand on the corners of the square that is inside the field of play.
This is an interesting point as just last week on the news… that’s national news…. The Referees don’t want to bounce the ball anymore, because it puts too much strain on their bodies………yes. Stop… go back, read that again……. No lies. They have appointed a panel of doctors to investigate this and I’m sure the findings will be expensive. Flippen softes. Ag-ja-no-well… AANNNYYYYYYWWAAAYYYYYYYYY
Being a parent of the club, we are expected to join in on this group-hug of sports. To facilitate this they have positions that we need to fulfil on game days.
My First position that I successfully completed was “umpire escort” this is a particularly complicated position I realized when I received my bib indicating my position and my laminated instructions card. It was my job to escort the referees (the ones in the middle) to the middle of the field at the start of the game, I was to provide protection in between quarters on the field and escort them off and on the field at half time and at the end of the game.
Had I known how dangerous this game was for the referees I would have borrowed Trenticles gum guard during the breaks in the game. Every team has an equal and opposite official, by the way.
My next position that I was moved to was, “Waterboy”, here I get to run on the field and give water to the kids that look thirsty. I donned my bib with my designated official position and read my rule card. I also had one or two of the dads instruct me how to perform this job. Let’s just take a step back here…… there are 18 kids in each team on the field, they kick the ball to each other, there is no off-sides and each quarter is only 20 minutes. Apparently the kids are thirsty a lot and they need water all the time, also its frowned upon to say they need to run more before they get water….Really?
?? …….WHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHAHAHA.. I was fired after the first half. Some 13 year old took over and probably did most of the running. Don’t forget that each team has the equal and opposite position.
My next position was goal umpire, that’s the dude that dons a white lab coat and stands at the end of the field by the 4 posts and has the job of watching the ball traverse through the middle two posts and point two finger guns at the referee (the main one) like a Rambo in Rambo or when it goes through the side posts one finger gun like John Wane in a western movie. Added to this complicated position of trying to look like Rambo or John Wane you also get to practice your Drum Majorettes flag waving skills and wave to the other guy on the other side of the field. (which means you have to watch what’s happening on that side of the field as well and that’s hard if you forgot your glasses.)
Other Positions that I have not been given a bib for yet, as they are apparently specialized, are:
• Runner, where you get to give messages to the players from the coach.
• Assistant Coach where you get to eat the oranges at half time and nod and hold your chin when the coach is talking, you also get to carry the white board to the change rooms and place the magnetic stickers on the board.
• Team Manager, who gets to wash the kit, organize the rule cards, send the emails etc.
• Boundary Umpire where you are given a whistle and can throw the ball in backwards that’s so you cant cheat…
• Time keeper because the referee is too busy blowing his whistle to watch the stop watch.
• Parent Voting, where you get to choose 3 or 4 awards for your team and the opposing team.
I’m sure there are more but its early days. Ok…..so lets do the numbers quickly.
36 players
5 Referees
2 Boundary Umpires
2 Umpire escorts
2 Goalpost umpires
2 water persons
2 Assistant Coaches
2 Team managers
2 Time keepers
2 Voting people
That’s 57 people for a game of kick the coconut. Anybody for a group hug?
Tangentially moving onto other matters more or less important than the coconut throwing madmen on the island and their antics, I/ we have been through a year of new experiences, ups and downs and tears and smiles.
Some experiences happen quickly and are fun like seeing proper snow for the first time, some happen slowly and are painful like converting to Rands when buying beer (R500/Case) or Biltong (R700/kg) or Wine (R100 for Tassies equivalent) or Smokes (R360 box)...
You know the little luxuries in life.
I'm pretty sure that the last time I drank this little I was in matric. On the glass is half full side of the mirror, I only need 6 beers to have a hangover now.
Where was I, oh yes.
When I arrived just over a year ago I was given a desk, a chair, a laptop, and cell-phone, and for the last year I have looked out the window at the road that goes past Monash University and waited for some sort of excitement, every now and again I get released from my cubicle and I am allowed to see a client.
We chit chat about the weather and the news highlights of the day, and sometimes, on a good day, the traffic is light, and it only takes 45 minutes to travel 20km.
But it’s always back to the Cubicle, my chair, and the Monash University road.
Just Recently however my life improved tenfold.
On any normal stock standard day my ass would be positioned on this device that resembles a chair, but after 8 hours of "sitting" this chair was more of a medieval torture device, my somewhat flabby gluteus maximus and gluteus minimus, have slowly, over the course of each day, being under constant pressure from my potjie pot smuggling shaped belly changed shape from being bumpy like a golf ball to square like my first date.
This unnatural shape for my ass cheeks makes for an interesting shooting pain up through my spinal column.
Watch an old movie of Frankenstein, when the monster starts walking, that’s what I look like when walking to my car.
Being classified as a second-class citizen you don’t just ask for a more comfortable seating device, you wait for the opportunity to acquire one.
Fast forward a year later, after I finally mastered the fine art sitting on a toilet seat with a square ass, and not sliding off. I was gifted with the opportunity of acquiring a new chair...... wow.
The joy that I feel is so great that I am brought to a tear just thinking about my new chair….
Now, on Quiet days (Monday through Friday) when I watch real world through my window my thoughts are filled with motorbikes, new running routes and winning the lotto, not the long term effects of spinal curvature on an overweight 41 year old narcissist with a privileged white boy complex…. Life is good. Here is a picture of the new device that keeps my ass and my mind in a happy place.
Topic: Australia.... The Island Saga (Read 51677 times)
