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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #360 on: December 23, 2019, 11:16:04 pm »
Visit  continued.

At last the motherland, home, biltong, ice cold beer, peter styversant blue, burning tyres, zero regard for personal space and reckless taxi's. Fucksticks it felt good to be back.
Now after all this time I can finally blickzem a kid with an attitude.
I promise you won’t have to read a day by day account of our adventures, to do that would probably bore you, especially if you are not involved. But I will include some highlights.
For Example: Day one in the shopping centre Trenticles leans conspiratorially towards me and says. "I don’t know if you have noticed but, there are lots of black people here" 
WHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes you just have to laugh at the things kids say. On a different occasion later in the holiday we went to the shopping centre just outside Moloto (about 50km from Pretoria) and there were cows in the parking lot.
We had to take photos so the kids could show their mates back on the island... Stuff we have grown up with and don’t even notice anymore has now become a photo opportunity.
No wonder people ask if we have lions wondering around in the streets.
AAANNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
One quick story to share. I bought and allocated 1 gig of data to each person for the holiday, the deal was, I pay for the first gig, if you want to watch YouTube and other kak then you pay for the rest. 
We jump into the Toppie's (my dad) bakkie to travel north to Polokwane and I'm enjoying the freedom to travel at 131km/h* (that’s 11km/h over the speedlimit, sheer madness!!) on the highway without fear of losing my license.
Happy in the knowledge that kfc and a coke can solve any problem in Africa.
I’m daydreaming about our destination and eventually sucking back on an ice-cold castle light and choofing on a styvie blue, the music is pumping and life is good. We are about 30km from our destination and I get a SMS on my south african phone from Vodacom..... now because I'm a responsible driver, in holiday mode, on holiday and we are nearly there I just think "ah, I will read that later. its only 15 minutes to go".
We arrive at our destination and I get another SMS..... I’m thinking "WOW! Vodacom really likes me. I'd better check those sms's" .....
Turns out Vodacom really does like me. They have sent me sms's saying that my data is now depleted and that that I can take advantage of buying some more today at a special rate.
Apparently, I used 1 gig of data in 3 hours........Strange I thought back on the 3 hour trip and how peaceful it was, the kids didn’t fight, I was not asked to stop for food, and I did not have to play "I spy with my little eye" (you know you are REALLY bored when you have to play that)....
And then it slowly dawns on me, like that feeling that you get after your first out-of-motor plan car service, at RENAULT, or Landover.
You look at the figure, blink hard, you look up and the reception area that had 30 people mulling around and is now deserted, there is nobody to blame, you look down and as tears blur your vision you realize you have made a big mistake and should have bought a Toyota!!!!...
I have never owned one of those cars but I have seen and heard the pain...... I'm paraphrasing of course...
I had left my Wi-Fi on.....that’s the reason Spiderpig has been very quiet!!!!
Turns out Spiderpig used all my data because he thought that there was free Wi-Fi in the bakkie........ BLICKZEM.
Lesson to self. Obviously never Buy a Landover or a RENAULT (that’s for you guys) and remember to change your Wi-Fi password to StayTheFoffMywifiYouLittleShit..

*(that was the reading on the speedometer which is notoriously higher than true speed)
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Offline ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #361 on: December 23, 2019, 11:43:22 pm »
 Spiderpig now using the straight spine technique that you use when your colon has run out of space,

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :spitcoffee: :spitcoffee: :lol8: :lol8: :imaposer: :imaposer:
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Offline goodtoogo

Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #362 on: December 24, 2019, 12:49:51 am »
When you do publish, please do it as a south African, we all want to be able bask in the glow of the international acclaim

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

 
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Offline punisher

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #363 on: December 24, 2019, 12:54:56 am »
i am so glad i stumbled upon this thread
fukkin hilarious

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:
i hope spider dude has had a poo  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #364 on: December 24, 2019, 06:45:15 am »
When you do publish, please do it as a south African, we all want to be able bask in the glow of the international acclaim
:laughing4: :laughing4: :thumleft:
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Offline Ri

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #365 on: December 24, 2019, 08:54:37 am »
Spiderpig now using the straight spine technique that you use when your colon has run out of space,

 :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4: :spitcoffee: :spitcoffee: :lol8: :lol8: :imaposer: :imaposer:

I started howling with laughter when I read this :imaposer:


When you do publish, please do it as a south African, we all want to be able bask in the glow of the international acclaim

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Agreed  O0 :thumleft:
« Last Edit: December 24, 2019, 08:55:10 am by Ri »
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Offline woody1

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #366 on: December 24, 2019, 09:44:53 am »
Please share this as a word or pdf document for now.  :3some:

I WOULD RATHER BE AN HONEST ASSHOLE .... THAN A FLIPPEN LIAR !   


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Offline ican

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #367 on: December 25, 2019, 06:08:46 pm »
I have been subscribed to a number of threads for quite some time but only started reading this today. Brilliant!
 :imaposer: :laughing4:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #368 on: January 03, 2020, 04:12:59 am »
Please share this as a word or pdf document for now.  :3some:
Are you talking about all the letters that I have written?
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #369 on: January 03, 2020, 04:22:26 am »
After returning from the mother land.....
Life on the Island has returned back to normal and it would be frowned upon if I did not give you some current news, now in the old days, one would never let a good rumour go to waste, as we all know the local office water fountain chitchats are the glue that holds multinational cooperation’s together, if it was not for the short, whispered conversations about other people and their antics our lives would be terribly boring!!  We don’t have a watercooler or smokers corner in our office and as you already know I’m surrounded by super brainy qualified people that have a heightened mental state of mind where their synapse over firing lightbulb moment brains allow for what seems only serous conversations. Getting the latest skinner is not easy, so I’m sharing with you…
People, we have a biscuit hoarder in the office.. Now everyone has a favourite type of biscuit and those are normally in short supply and then there are waaayy too many of the kak ones that nobody likes. At tea time we can make a cuppa and have a biscuit and then you can carry on.. Well over time I have noticed that the good ones are always gone. No matter when I get there …it’s been a conundrum that has kept me busy for weeks on end. Well I have decided that either this person has the super natural ability to hear when a new tray of biscuits is opened and placed into the plastic container and they hide them or they have an inside connection and they have an advantage of knowing when its going to happen…. This is serous people, it’s like insider stock trading. The repercussions of having to eat kak biscuits all the time could lead from a simple harmless office rumour to full-on nerf gun warfare with people wasting good photocopier paper building defensive walls around their cubicles in fear for their lives.
Being inspired by the great detectives of our time, “The A Team, Murder She wrote, Jacke and the Fat man” I have made huge steps forward in my investigations and I have discovered the hiding place of the biscuit hoarder. He / She is hiding it in the…. Deep freeze… check, I have photographic evidence, and from the crumbs evident in the photo this has been going on for a while…. My plan is sneaky to catch this villain and I’m going to follow it through, but, I cant tell you yet as its sneaky and I have only thought it half way through….


Remember: There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2020, 04:41:38 am by BOZO »
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #370 on: January 03, 2020, 04:45:34 am »
I don’t have any headline breaking news about the Biscuit Hoarder, but, just to keep your inquisitive minds ticking over, I will let you in on the developments of my plans, I could get wonder woman to bring back a truck load of brooklax and add it to the coffee then wait while everyone chucks a sickie, as their devils doughnuts have been converted to filter coffee, but then problem is that if everyone is sick how will I know who that one specific deviant person is. Then offering people tiny chocolate bars one by one also has holes in my plan, especially when they get anal leakage two hours later…. I have another option, but its really a last resort, I can talk to someone in the office and possibly befriend them…..aahhh…… eish. There must be another way dammit…. I will surely bring this mystery to closure. And don’t fret I will keep you in the loop. We (that’s me with your imagined support) will stop that individual’s avarice in good time.
*quick edit before sending this mail*
Just before I sent this mail I did a quick reconnaissance mission to see how the gluttony was progressing, well this where the biscuits are kept in the kitchen, and as you can see there are lots of average ones. There is even the lekker shortbread ones.
 
And then I checked the “secret” hiding place and low-and-behold the cream of the crop, the ultimate biscuit (only four in box) is right there, all on its own, no friends, nada, nothing… completely alone in a dark cold hidey hole…. This is serious stuff.
 
*end of quick edit*

Now on to no less important matters at hand. You may remember a while ago I went on lyrically about the Musical and Movie "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner and Whitney Huston, "and IIIIIIIIiiiiiiiieeeeeIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiii, will always Love YouuuuuuUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUuuuuuuuu" Bottom lip quivering like a South African Tourist in Moscow in the middle of winter! Well, you will also remember that I told you that there was musical in Australia that was about the movie. WELLLLL here is some extra news about the musical and more importantly. The lady (Paulini Curuenavuli) that was the lead singer, she has a small problem, no she doesn’t have laryngitis or anything extreme like that. no.. no.. no, she was caught with a fake driver’s license, she apparently "bribed" a Queensland official (Faletausala Feesili Vaifale) some years ago to get it.
Why do you care?
Why do I care?, And what if you never knew about this?.....
Well you care because you are reading about this, I care because of this reason, well actually reasons.
  • Paulini Curuenavuli could face 7 years in Jail if found guilty.. this is some ssseeeerrrrious stuff here, nothing like having to sing for your supper in a communal cell. I hope she is watching "Orange is the new Black" for tips. 7 years, eish. In SA it’s probably 7 minutes in a queue in springs with a R100 note and you are sorted pink sweets and all!!!
  • Faletausala Feesili Vaifale got off easy she is under a years house arrest after confessing to three charges.
  • Both Paulini Curuenavuli and Faletausala Feesili Vaifale have super unpronounceable names, I have been watching the news for the last 3 days waiting for the news reader to attempt that off the tele-prompter.... clearly no-one is keen to try it out. I tried to say it in my head and this is what I get.
    “Paulini Churu - en - a – vaalie”.  and “Fail - tow - saala  Fee -silly  baie – vuil”
    (phonetically of course)
  • I recon that they will get away with it based on the fact the Judge won’t be able to pronounce their names either.


And finally, what if you never knew about this? If you didn’t know about this then your life would not have dramatically changed, you won’t have an interesting topic to chat about at the dinner table tonight. You will never really know how difficult it is to say Paulini Curuenavuli and Faletausala Feesili Vaifale and now you understand the real reason people like that have nicknames like Paulie and Fatty. So now ask yourself, do you care? Yes, yes you do. And aren’t you glad you now know? Yes, now that you know you know.
I’m happy because I know that you know, that I know, that you are happy that you know now. This by the way has nothing to do with the pheasant plucker’s son, he is only plucking pheasant’s till the pheasant plucker comes.
Whilst on my travels in L'Afrique du Sud (keeping it international) I was privileged to spend three days with two friends doing what recharges the soul. Sparky Larky and Bushman Dave (soon to be re-nicknamed “talks-a-lot-on-bike-coms-when-super-excited-which-was-all-the-time”) We were all riding BMW GS’s and it was AWESOME. We were like 3 cowboys on a ranch in Texas…no no no no, like three wolves coming together and forming a wolf pack, naaaa, like Terence Hill and Bud Spencer in “Crime Busters” but with another person, nope that doesn’t work, anyway, moving along swiftly. We were on a mission and we were going all the way. We didn’t actually have a destination in mind, but we did know what we wanted to do, and that was ride, laugh, drink, laugh, ride and have fun. If there were tick boxes, we ticked them all. After a year of being bikeless, I got onto a 280kg bike and got left in the virtual dust as the other two rode off like they were greyhounds chasing a rabbit.. I cant say that that treatment was unexpected, we are fiends after all, and that’s what you do!!. After a couple hours of “getting back into the swing of things” I started to relax and life was good, my batteries were almost fully charged I was becoming Valentino Rossi (in my own mind) I could now keep up with the wannabe Ghost Riders that were now chasing the sunset.  Thinking about that time, the size of my mind, and all that, remined me of a fact that an ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
One hears these little tit bits of info and stores them in the event that one day you will need this, possibly for a green pie in an epic battle of trivial pursuit,  if not then tell your partner after sex and see what happens.
Anyway, in an effort to ruin the friendship, Sparky Larky and talks-a-lot-on-bike-coms-when-super-excited-which-was-all-the-time, who have just recently completed the Sani pass on their back wheels, decided that a short stint, like 100000km, of dirt road was in order. (maybe a little more than 40% extra for dramatic effect was added to that number) There was everything in the mix, there was rocks, old Datsun bakkies, washaways, thick sand, alles, Zonkie…. After a particularly bad section of tennis ball size rocks the wannabe ghost rider duo pulled over to check if I was still behind them. As I arrived, 10 minutes, later Sparky Larky pointed me down a road and said keep going till you get to tar…..at night when I lie in bed and everyone is sleeping, I can still hear the snickering as I rode away….. So I’m off down the road, I’d been through a couple of rough patches (this bike trip, not my life) of thick sand and I was feeling confident, hell I’m Charlie Bormann in the long way down. At one stage I’m travelling along a game fence at about 60km/h and I look to my right and there is an Ostrich running next to me. I’m thinking wow those basturds can really haul ass, then I look up and I see the end of the game fence in the distance, I’m watching the ostrich and the ostrich is watching me, I’m watching the ostrich rapidly run out of space. The ostrich is still watching me while going full tilt, like handbag thief at Sandton Square, and then it happens, the ostrich tries to make the corner and realizes in those two precious seconds, that speed, momentum, angular velocity and lack of grip from two toes on each foot is not going to work in its favour. At 60% of the corner done, when all good bikers know it’s time to start rolling on the power, this big eyed, pea brained fowl didn’t have enough lean angle and dropped off on the power, connecting the sand trap and BOOOIIINNNGGGGG, bounced off the game fence like it was a vertical trampoline! As I continued down the road I looked in the review mirror to see the cloud of dust settling and the ostrich calling me back for another dice!!  Sorry buddy I’m taking this win as a personal victory and will immortalize you forever in my letter. (also, I couldn’t stop as there was thick sand and my arms, legs and asshole were cramping)
This little trip was filled with awesome moments like this, I wished it could have gone on for another week, but as all good things must come to an end so did this trip. It did convince me to buy a bike on the island and I thought back over the years of the ones I have owned.
My starter bike was a Yahama XS 400 US Custom grey import. My Old man bought it in 1983 (I think) and used it to get to work and back. I remember I had a red helmet and absolutely loved getting a lift on that puppy. Fast forward to 1994 and I was riding that same bike, looking cool and burning the kak out of my legs on the exhaust pipe. I had a good couple of falls on that bike on the N1 to work and back. It was a bastard to kick start in winter. Fast forward to 2003 and I got introduced to the wonderful world of the BMW GS. The Grey 1150 GS was an absolute dream of a bike, pig heavy and fast like a rotten Durban bunny chow through your bowels. Sometime later Mark invited me for a plastics bike ride and handed me a KX 125 2smoke. It took one ride and I was hooked. At the end of that ride it was delivered to the house. (wonder woman was not happy) This was also the part where I started to break things.  The KX did in my collar bone. Then Gavin sold me his WR450, with warning labels attached. Horry shitballs. Most sane people move from a 125 to a 250 and end up being happy there. Going from a 125 to a 450 was interesting, there is no forgiveness from the monster 450cc. It’s just madness that screams go faster and shrinks your nuts. I found this out after cranking the throttle over jump, landing on the handle bars then overthem and then looking at my arm from a funny angle I had popped my shoulder. Then shorty after that was healed I found out again when I t-boned a mountain and broke some ribs, at some stage in this joy of petrol and adrenaline I bought the 1200GSA my dream bike and twisted my knee, which introduced me to the wonderful world of voltaren injections. The 1200 GSA also took tax out of my ass and lay down in a rocky river bed and on the side of a mountain in the middle of nowhere. Hell I miss those bikes. I wont mention the Harley Davidson……. But I actually miss that bike aswell. Anyhoo, I now have a Yamaha XT660Z Tenere, it’s a dual sport and it’s like a tame road legal version of the WR450. Its only got 80Km on the clock so after the 1000km service the engine should be ready for some fun!!!!

So to close off on my story today I have decided to use this advice for my kids when they get older.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
Dad replied: "Did you also notice the strong evidence that they all walked everywhere they went?"


There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline roxenz

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #371 on: January 03, 2020, 08:09:23 am »
 :imaposer: :imaposer: This is but like Spud for grown-ups.  :biggrin: Carry on.
 
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Offline Mr Zog

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #372 on: January 04, 2020, 02:39:49 am »
Your mind is completely FUBAR...  :deal:  :eek7:

I LIKE it  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.
 
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Offline ChrisL - DUSTRIDERS

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #373 on: January 04, 2020, 01:08:20 pm »
Your mind is completely FUBAR...  :deal:  :eek7:

I LIKE it  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
I dunno how he got into Aus, or for them he seems normal!!! :deal: ;) :peepwall: :lol8:
The more I read the more respect I am getting for Wonder Woman and realize why she is name WW. ;) :lol8:
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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #374 on: January 05, 2020, 10:55:58 pm »
Your mind is completely FUBAR...  :deal:  :eek7:

I LIKE it  :imaposer: :imaposer: :imaposer:
I dunno how he got into Aus, or for them he seems normal!!! :deal: ;) :peepwall: :lol8:
The more I read the more respect I am getting for Wonder Woman and realize why she is name WW. ;) :lol8:
:laughing4:
There are challenges that I face on a daily basis that you may never know about.  :pot:

"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline Ian in Great Brak River

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #375 on: January 06, 2020, 04:04:39 am »
Happy New Year Boet.

 8)
1978. It's 6am, mid winter...two up on a XL 185S ... off to my first casino ever with all of R40 and we've got a full tank of fuel, so enough to get there we reckon.... that's determination...

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Offline BOZO

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #376 on: January 06, 2020, 07:17:08 am »
"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)
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Offline BigEd

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #377 on: January 06, 2020, 07:20:38 am »
Yes , Happy New Year to you and fam down yonder....
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Offline Ri

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Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #378 on: January 06, 2020, 07:52:30 am »
All the best for 2020, I hope it's a great year for the Family BOZO!

Do you mind if I ask about the fires in Australia? Seems the whole island is burning up, but you're not in the line of fire, are you? (no pun intended)
Tales of the Purple Turtles: Ride Reports
PROJECT SAS WILDEHOND III Contributions: R Snyman Capitec Savings Account 1545860511 Balance (2017/12/07): R3,190.23 - R1,600 for steel purchase
 

Offline TeeJay

Re: Australia.... Not Another one! The Island Saga
« Reply #379 on: January 06, 2020, 09:54:54 am »
All the best for 2020, I hope it's a great year for the Family BOZO!

Do you mind if I ask about the fires in Australia? Seems the whole island is burning up, but you're not in the line of fire, are you? (no pun intended)

Only from WW  :imaposer:
Ja/Nee