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Author Topic: 2020 - Big Red Pigs in Kenya  (Read 1405 times)

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Offline ClimbingTurtle

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Re: 2020 - Big Red Pigs in Kenya
« Reply #40 on: April 25, 2020, 11:51:39 am »
Awesome sttuff!!

In 1994 I tried to find a coastal route from Dar to Bagamoyo to meet some travels there, it was a cluster-F of note - we couldnt find a way accross one of the rivers and after buggering around for 24 hours in the bush (no peri-urban in hose days) we hit the main road to head to Tanga, one of the bikes broke down in a village on the A14 and we spent 2 days there trying to fix it - I tried the dirt road to Bagamoya and got accosted by a bunch of white poachers at some point.... I got back to the village and my mate road up to Tanga to get parts, where he was hit by a truck.......

We all lived and one day I will do a RR....  :biggrin:
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Re: 2020 - Big Red Pigs in Kenya
« Reply #41 on: April 25, 2020, 04:19:30 pm »
Awesome sttuff!!

In 1994 I tried to find a coastal route from Dar to Bagamoyo to meet some travels there, it was a cluster-F of note - we couldnt find a way accross one of the rivers and after buggering around for 24 hours in the bush (no peri-urban in hose days) we hit the main road to head to Tanga, one of the bikes broke down in a village on the A14 and we spent 2 days there trying to fix it - I tried the dirt road to Bagamoya and got accosted by a bunch of white poachers at some point.... I got back to the village and my mate road up to Tanga to get parts, where he was hit by a truck.......

We all lived and one day I will do a RR....  :biggrin:

This RR I will not miss! :thumleft: :thumleft:
 

Offline Osadabwa

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Re: 2020 - Big Red Pigs in Kenya
« Reply #42 on: April 29, 2020, 07:37:50 am »
Awesome sttuff!!

In 1994 I tried to find a coastal route from Dar to Bagamoyo to meet some travels there, it was a cluster-F of note - we couldnt find a way accross one of the rivers and after buggering around for 24 hours in the bush (no peri-urban in hose days) we hit the main road to head to Tanga, one of the bikes broke down in a village on the A14 and we spent 2 days there trying to fix it - I tried the dirt road to Bagamoya and got accosted by a bunch of white poachers at some point.... I got back to the village and my mate road up to Tanga to get parts, where he was hit by a truck.......

We all lived and one day I will do a RR....  :biggrin:

Fucksake, sounds like a blast! It's hard to imagine how much has changed in the intervening years, and very little of it for the better. We're all stuck at home... write up that RR already!

 :snorting:
 

Offline Osadabwa

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Pure Fiction - Dar Bikers v. the Morogoro M'Boys
« Reply #43 on: May 24, 2020, 08:46:40 pm »
Twas another hot and muggy evening in Dar es Salaam, like all evenings in Dar es Salaam. Ajax had just finished watching Top Gear re-runs and found himself picking at the label on his sweaty beer, staring at the ceiling, wondering what could energize the Dar Bikers. Over the years, the peri-urban area around the city has gotten uglier, busier and more developed. It had become harder to organize a day-ride that could inspire the few hardy off-roaders left. Most of the old guard have either moved to infinitely better places (like Kenya) or have become so bloated from years of beer, mishikaki and chips mayayi that they can no longer see their peckers without a mirror, let alone ride a motorbike in the bush.

It was a sad state of affairs indeed. Ajax hung his shiny, bald head in despair...

But that was it! He had an idea! It was straight out of Top Gear! Nothing inspires people like a competition! Determined, he whips out his phone and dials up TS1 living in Morogoro with a challenge worthy of Jeremy Clarkson and crew. It would be the Dar Bikers against the Morogoro Boys in a virtual race. They would each set out Sunday morning at a set time from their respective home towns, and ride a set distance, documenting the route as they went and posting on WhatsApp. The first group to get back home was the winner. The Dar Bikers would tackle the muddy pipeline road, and the Mororogo Mud Boys would rip up to the Maji ya Susu falls just outside town.

Jazzed with his plan, and having rallied the Dar crew as well, he hit the hay early, eschewing his usual trip to the Love-U-Happy “massage parlour” and the large mama there called Agnes that he swears is just a friend. Following morning, it was game on!

The Morogoro M'boys had chosen a short, technical route straight out of town on foot paths aiming for Maji ya Susu. The M’Boys, as they’re known (everyone is allowed to choose their own gender these days, so I’m not allowed to dispute it, despite all credible reports to the contrary) is composed entirely of gumbies hopelessly unfit for purpose. They bumbled up into the hills, along the banana-lined contours over red-slick clay tracks, high into the Ulugurus. The views were spectacular, the air crisp and clean. The pace was decent, but every last one of them managed to cock it up at least once, spinning out on a climb, botching a log-jump. They arrived to the waterfall and sent a triumphant message to Dar, declaring they were sure to win, and began trundling back to the bar like a bunch of already drunk pandas.


Above: The Morogoro Boys starting out in true muppet-style… already off bike and pushing!


Above: TS1 may be a hopeless biker, but he’s lucky to make a mess of it in such an amazing place


Above: TS1 showing us how NOT to hop a couple of grippy, mid-sized logs and then has the cheek to pose like a conquering hero at Maji ya Susu falls! SMH (that’s Gen-Z speak for, what a plonker)


Above: The Boys at the falls: TS1 on the L, Auto on the R and Mob Barleycorn in the middle.

Meanwhile, back in Dar, the Bikers battled their way through the pea-soup that passes for air in that godforsaken shambolic city and struck out for the track. Ajax lead the way, as usual, dragging the hapless band of empty-headed hooligans out to what, for now, constitutes the edge of the city. Blink and it’ll soon be apartments. The track was pretty well defined by charcoal burners who have reduced plant life around the city to shrubby trees and little patches of black nothingness where the trees once stood, and still the Bikers managed to cock it up. The first hint of terrain and half the group was on their ass. Some blamed bald tires and others bald heads, but it’s just a general lack of ability that keeps the Dar Bikers flopping around in the bush.


Above: Only minutes into the ride and already its sumpy-side up

Having managed to tackle the oh-so-treacherous bump called “Mlima wa Mtoto”, they pressed on, pushing up and down rutted and eroded tracks, farther from the city and deeper into the heat. Soon, the sun was straight up and there was no reprieve. Bikes began to steam and bikers began to cry for mama. Uncountable hours of farting around later (Ajax thought he saw a better track to try and ended up taking everyone on a wild goose chase as usual), they popped out on the flats where a long, deep muddy section awaited to soak their boots and dampen their spirits.


Above: “Lost in the Bush… Again” will be the title of Ajax’s autobiography


Above: The mudhole gave the boys another chance to demonstrate their lack of talent. Here we see the “waddle, paddle, outrigger” approach common of BMW riders and ladies, demonstrated perfectly. Where the hell his helmet is, I dunno…


Above: To be fair to the Bikers, it was a tad deep, that mud, and none of the guys have any skills whatsoever

But Gord smiles on idiots, bikers and biking idiots, and Lo! Just at the end of the muddy hellhole, just at the end of the Biker’s wits, just at the point where everyone starts to think about tattooing “Kick Me, I’m Danish” on the back of Ajax’s head, the tar appears and on it, an Azam Ice Cream trike. Salvation! Elation! Celebration! Congratulation! The guys feasted on the mildly frozen, diary-like Petri dishes on a stick and then raced for the finish line, aware that the Morogoro Gumbies were in the lead.


Above: The band of Bikers wades out of the muck to find Azam at the ready. Ajax decides this umbrella-carrying-iced treat containing-3 wheeled contraption might just be better than a KTM. XRR riders know it for certain.

It was neck-and-neck with the Morogoro M'boys crawling down their steeper, but much shorter track and the Dar Bikers racing back through hellish heat and typically infuriating traffic to their respective bars. At the end, of course, the Dar Bikers arrived in the lead. As usual, the lads from Morogoro are found lacking. Just goes to show that in Tanzania you may be older, uglier, fatter and lazier, but that doesn’t mean you won’t win!


Above: The Dar Bikers, victorious as usual. Laugh it up, you ugly bastards!

Cheers

 :snorting:
 
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Offline Kaboef

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Re: 2020 - Big Red Pigs in Kenya
« Reply #44 on: May 24, 2020, 09:05:50 pm »
Love the writing!

Have you lived in Kenya long? Where are your from originally?
What do you do there?


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