TheRivet

[Mev Vis Arend]

 

[Eendstop]

 

I am way too stupid to find these posts even remotely funny, relevant or even coherent, yet brash enough to openly admit thereto. Please help me understand the point of the posts. I assume the lack of other comments show that I am not the sole stupid out out here. Others may be just too shy or decent to come forward.

[Nicobones]

Dankie eendstop dit is net kort stories om te geniet

[Oubones]

Nico, gooi nog.
Dit is beter as die klomp snert oor die virus.
Jy sal nog sien negatiewe kommentaar is maar vinnig hier, mens seil maar net om die storms.

[jaybiker]

Nico, gooi nog.
Dit is beter as die klomp snert oor die virus.
Jy sal nog sien negatiewe kommentaar is maar vinnig hier, mens seil maar net om die storms.

Dankie eendstop dit is net kort stories om te geniet

Not everything about the virus is rubbish, and the Rivet stories may not be the greatest of humour, but they are better to me than the mind numbing amount of statistical analysis.

[Nicobones]

A good single line joke should take less than 10 seconds to read.
A good short story approx a minute.
If the short story has a twist at the end and the memory cannot connect the story to the twist the reader has the choice to either read the story again or stick to one liners and post a comment to alert the author to this anomaly.
All comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks
TheRivet.

[Oubones]

Next one?

[Bill the Bong]

Why did you not call yourself TheRivet?  Was it taken?

[Nicobones]

Two choices.
It was during the second world war on the southern front in the italian alps that an old mountain guide and a young soldier were huddled behind an embankment. The campaign so far had consisted of climbing during the night following the old mountain guides and huddling behind any cover during the day and hoping that as the sun came up you were not exposed. It was a very slow method of warfare each side knew what the other side was upto. Whoever  found the best snipers position during the night was successfull during the day. But the next night this good position had to be vacated as it would now be a marked location. It was a war of attrition with very few shots fired but if a shot was fired for sure someone had died and someone had exposed his position. The procedure was to get into position during darkness and be in a shooting position looking out as the sun rose. If the enemy was sighted a single shot was fired and you immediately huddled undercover for the rest of the day. Day after day they climbed higher and higher not really knowing how many where left on either side. So to pass the time huddled during the day the whispered conversations had depleted all the normal topics. Then the mountain guide told his last story. He said in life you always have two choices. To be born or not was probably the first choice. Good for you that you chose to be born and ended up being shot at in the mountain. However if I had a choice I would have chosen to be a tree.
Again I would have had two choices .If I chose to be a hardwood tree good for me because hardwood is used to make beautifull musical instruments but if I chose a soft wood tree also good for me i would again have had two choices I could choose to become firewood or paper. If i chose paper good for me,and I would again have two choices. If i chose to become writing paper then beautifull songs can be composed on me. Good for me. Better than becoming softpaper that ends up being used up in the wrong end. So you see in all things you have two choices you can sit down behind this rock or you can stand up. The end.
TheRivet sniper no 4

[roxenz]

Guess you're not hiding behind the rock. 

Keep going, I like the absurd and unexpected. 

[Nicobones]

Memory cards
As life progresses certain functions have to be maintained on a manual basis as the auto function cannot be trusted to always respond correctly. To assist in this matter que cards can be utilised to maintain the sequence of events and so doing prevent embarrasing  scenarios. For example, card one clearly states open eyes before getting up from the bed followed by card two insisting that feet should be on the ground before attempting to stand up. But most importantly card five stating to remove payamas followed by card six insisting on sitting down for morning ablution. Under no circumstances should card five and six get swopped around.
You have been warned.
The Rivet.

[Nicobones]

A story for someone in lock down with nothing better to do than read a silly story and eat a peanut.Do not read if you have better things to do.
Eating A peanut as in one peanut not a handfull at a time.
Peanut eating is normally done by the handfull and coated with salt.
The reaction of the pallat is mostly from the salt with only a slight flavour from the peanut. Eating crackers has the same effect with no flavour from the cracker but the salt makes it pallatable. To get the full benefit of the peanut flavour the effect of the salt has to be removed first and only when the pallat is neutral can the released flavour be appreciated. Due to the volume of salt present in a handfull of peanuts it is not possible to neutralise the pallet and experience the flavour before the chewed nuts get swallowed. Therefore to truly experience the flavour the nuts have to be consumed one at a time. This also enable the selection of the more suitable nuts rather than just having a mix of various qualities all chewed up together. For a peanut to release its flavour it has to be roasted to enable the oils responsible for the taste to be freed from their cells. Selecting a peanut based on its colour is a good indicator of its level of roasting and hence the amount of flavour available. However very darkly roasted would have resulted in the oils burning off and the resulted nut has only a burnt taste. You only need a few of these overdone nuts in a handfull to destroy the flavour. With trial and error the right colour can be identified that suits the individual pallet the best. Fortunately the colour is relatively standard for all peanuts and can be reliably used as a reference.for peanuts from different packets.
Once selected the eating process can be started by initially getting rid of the salt and neutralising the pallat. Upon placing a peanut in your mouth the tastebuds will immediately react and want to start the chewing process. Resist this action by swirling the complete peanut around in your mouth untill the saliva has removed all traces of the salt. After a short while when no more salt can be tasted proceed to split open the two halves of the nut with your tongue not your teeth. If you split it with your teeth you risk releasing the flavour prematurily. The nut consists of three parts two similar pods and a very small germination bud. Once you have separated the two halves with your tongue you will find that the bud remained on one half. Moving the half without the bud into the space between your lips and gums in your upper jaw will keep it in storage for later consumption in a similar technique utilised by squirrels. The bud can now be separated from the other half of the nut and can be chewed on its own. It has no flavour and only serves to confirm that the saliva has cleared out all traces of salt in the pallat and that the true flavours could be tasted. Now to proceed to the actual eating of the nut it is important to release the flavour gradually rather than all at once. To enhance the process small pieces are bitten of the nut and chewed to release the flavours and so the complete experience offered by the nut can be enjoyed continuing with the piece in the upper jaw once the bottom has been consumed. Voila a taste sensation.
Share a peanut with a friend but do recommend a good colour.
The story is not impressive but you will never again be able to eat a peanut without trying the technique.
The Rivet messing with your taste buds.

[Nicobones]

Believe it or not.
If you can identify with any of the scenarios depicted of the conditions in the early nineties at the height of the hostage taking in the port harcourt area of nigeria you might be inclined to suspect some truth in the account.
The story is told of an english chap standing at the bar in the hotel the whole afternoon. Not sitting down at any time with a strange habit of crushing the peanuts on offer with the bottom of his beer bottle before eating it. Later the evening the bar man finally got the story. You see said the chap when I got the job offer it was thoroughly discussed in my local pub and all kinds of advice offered for this excursion to darkest deepest africa. The most important was to try the local cuisine. Upon my arrival in deepest darkest africa it was clear that it being dark was no lie. I was rushed across to another flight to continue further deeper into darkest africa. Finally arrived at my destination to be met by the biggest blackest bloke I had ever seen holding a piece of paper with my name. What a relief when he spoke fluent queens english. He promptly delivered me to a guest house which used to be a hotel only to be met by another of these big black giants. I was friendly greeted and when confirmed that it was my first visit I was duly informed to try the local cuisine which I confirmed as being on my agenda. Shortly after getting into my room there was a knock on the door and this amazingly looking black girl presented herself as local cuisine. Well one thing led to another.
There I was in the darkest deepest africa with a pitch black local cuisine but the next thing really frightened the bejeezes out of me. She sweetly asked if it would be ok if she removed her head. O well go for it upon which she removed her wig what a relieve. Just as things started getting exciting all of sudden the lights went out all over town and some gunshots could be heard. She smiled and I could see her teeth shining from the moonlight filtering in and said that is just rebels shopping time. There I was in the darkest deepest africa in a blackout with a headless black girl not able to see what I am doing with people shopping with AK 47 . That is when things went south quickly, seeing her teeth I suggested that she put my dentures where it matters so I can see it in the dark. Which she promptly did but in a moment of passion she banged her legs together bit me in the south and broke my dentures.
I guess I will be standing for a while and have to crush the peanuts until I can get the dentures fixed.
Believe or not.
The Rivet
 

[OomD]

Loving it

[Nicobones]

Plumbers whisky
Obviously this needed some explaining as the bottle of expensive whisky was noticed in the cabinet, so let us start from the beginning of where did the whiskey come from. Actually it came from the plumber. I have a complex with tenants and it has a drain with a tree next to it that likes to extend its roots into the the drain pipe. As we have had this relationship for several years I have prepared a small access area and the correct tools in close proximity to remove the growth in the most efficient manner. However I was absent when the blockage was experienced and a professional plumber was called in. My family quickly directed him to the prepared access and the tools in close proximity to enable him to perform a speedy repair. For which he charged the equivalent of a single malt scotch. Upon my return and learning of this endeavour I was looking forward to the next blockage. When this duly happened I was fortunate to have an easy access prepared bymyself with the right tools in close proximity to perform the job in a timely manner and so to reward myself at the appropriate rate.
So here we are with a single malt in hand paid for by the plumber.
Fair is fair.
TheRivet

[Nicobones]

Pest cookbook.
What is a pest to one nation is a delicacy to another. This is probably what caused the pandemic however not all pests carry diseases and could be found to be quit tasty. What is needed to make it attractive to the taste buds is to disguise the origin. This is a well proven technique particularly applied to very spicy food in strange places. The solution to pests is not to go the pesticide route but rather the protein route. Properly disguised it could resolve the asian carp investation problem in the US and also the bull frogs in australia. Clearly what is needed is a proper cookbook on the preparation techniques that enables the cook to prepare a nutritional and tastefull meal. The name on the menu would need a bit of creativity so as to hide the origin but curry would probably cover a variety of flavours. In these difficult times when hunger could become an issue I have decided to offer the service should there be enough interest to produce such a cookbook. I have in mind two versions tailored for the local pests. One for Natal coast and one for  Cape town. The proposed cookbook will include such tecniques as the proper preparation for spit braai and the correct spices to hide the slightly game taste. Obviously the spit would need to be slightly larger for the cape variety. Please do remove tail and head before bringing to the kitchen just to prevent untoward comments from the kids.
Please let me know if interested in such a cookbook.
Original idea came from Ben Dekker.
TheRivet.

[Nicobones]

Suicide prevention.
It is a beautifull evening and the old hobo is sitting on the edge of the cliff watching the sunset when he notices a pretty lass approaching the very edge of the cliff. He calls out and says be carefull miss the edge is not stable you might fall. She replied it does not matter she is going to jump anyway. Intrigued he gets up scratches his crotch and wanders over to enquire what is the matter. Tearfully she said that no body loves her and she will be better of dead. Upon which he carefully looked her up and down spat on the ground and said in that case how about a quick leg over before you go. Disgusted she shouted at him you dirty old man that is all you men can think of never in my whole life is that gonna happen.
He replied, o well suit yourself I better get walking then see you at the bottom.
Aussie psychology.
TheRivet.