Welcome, Guest. Please Login or Register

Author Topic: wimmen  (Read 90979 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #20 on: August 18, 2010, 03:17:10 pm »
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #21 on: August 18, 2010, 03:19:00 pm »
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2010, 03:19:56 pm »
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #23 on: August 18, 2010, 03:21:36 pm »
A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car.
She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house.
Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2010, 03:23:39 pm »
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #25 on: August 18, 2010, 03:24:49 pm »
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A: A women who won't do what she's told.

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #26 on: August 18, 2010, 03:25:43 pm »
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #27 on: August 18, 2010, 03:26:56 pm »
There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar. One of the men had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" his friend responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2010, 03:28:40 pm »
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #29 on: August 18, 2010, 03:29:32 pm »
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #30 on: August 18, 2010, 03:30:26 pm »
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline laurika

  • hoessenaam van hydrabad...
  • Grey hound
  • ****
  • Bike: Yamaha XT660
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 6,306
  • Thanked: 1 times
  • helmet hair is very cool....everyone says so
Re: wimmen
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2010, 04:04:57 pm »
There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar. One of the men had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" his friend responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
just a little info, this joke, is a quotation from Einstein....cool hey?

 "There is no happiness for him who does not travel...Therefore, wander... The fortune of him who is sitting sits, it rises when he rises, it sleeps when he sleeps, it moves when he moves... Therefore, wander!"...The Rig Veda - 800 - 600 BC..

bmw F650GS/ XT 660 R
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2010, 04:10:58 pm »
There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar. One of the men had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" his friend responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
just a little info, this joke, is a quotation from Einstein....cool hey?
but still very relevant and funny
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

BigEd

  • Guest
Re: wimmen
« Reply #33 on: August 18, 2010, 05:35:57 pm »
Komin, presies hoeveel keer is jy geskei... :mwink: :peepwall:
 

Offline laurika

  • hoessenaam van hydrabad...
  • Grey hound
  • ****
  • Bike: Yamaha XT660
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 6,306
  • Thanked: 1 times
  • helmet hair is very cool....everyone says so
Re: wimmen
« Reply #34 on: August 19, 2010, 09:06:08 am »
Komin, presies hoeveel keer is jy geskei... :mwink: :peepwall:
of miskien moet mens vra , hoeveel keer het jy NIE getrou nie.... :imaposer: wyse man!

 "There is no happiness for him who does not travel...Therefore, wander... The fortune of him who is sitting sits, it rises when he rises, it sleeps when he sleeps, it moves when he moves... Therefore, wander!"...The Rig Veda - 800 - 600 BC..

bmw F650GS/ XT 660 R
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #35 on: August 19, 2010, 09:34:53 am »
Komin, presies hoeveel keer is jy geskei... :mwink: :peepwall:

My Pa het my geleer daar is 2 dinge wat jy nie 2 keer doen nie.

Jy koop nie 'n 2de keer 'n huis met 'n swembad nie en jy trou nie 'n 2de keer nie. :imaposer:
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #36 on: August 19, 2010, 09:35:30 am »
Chapter 3:

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #37 on: August 19, 2010, 09:36:45 am »
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #38 on: August 19, 2010, 09:39:20 am »
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example
 

Offline Komin

  • Race Dog
  • ***
  • Bike: Honda XRV 750 Africa Twin
    Location: Gauteng
  • Posts: 516
  • Thanked: 9 times
  • Stay safe inside insanity
Re: wimmen
« Reply #39 on: August 19, 2010, 09:40:25 am »
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example