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Author Topic: Selebi got the shake syndrome..  (Read 308 times)

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Offline Pistonpete

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Selebi got the shake syndrome..
« on: August 04, 2010, 03:01:48 pm »
Jackie Selebi to be diagnosed with slow but fatal Shaik Syndrome

JOHANNESBURG. Doctors attending former top cop Jackie Selebi say they are just hours away from confirming that he is suffering from the same slow-acting fatal disease that struck down Schabir Shaik and left him unable to do anything but drive his BMW around Durban, smoke Cuban cigars and lie next to his pool.

Moments after being sentenced to 15 years in prison, Selebi dabbed at his forehead with a hanky and told aides that he was feeling “as if he might have some sort of fatal collapse at any moment in the next 20 years”.

He was immediately rushed to the Manto Tshabalala-Msimang Memorial Hospital in central Johannesburg where doctors diagnosed him with a variety of terrifying ailments.

According to medical team leader, Dr Spock Zulu, initial tests proved that Selebi had advanced rheumatoid larceny, congenital mendacious warts on his shrivelled ethical cortex, spasmodic hypertension of the kleptomania glands, as well as Lying Dickhead Syndrome, or LDS.

“We see this a lot in government,” said Dr Zulu. “When large amounts of money combine with tiny amounts of accountability, the victim can transform from a mediocre bureaucrat into a Lying Dickhead.”

But, he said, none of these symptoms would earn Selebi a medical parole.

“You only get out of jail for two reasons,” he explained. “Either you’re flatlining, or President Zuma has got you on speed-dial.”

However, he said, it was still possible that Selebi could be diagnosed with Shaik Syndrome, as long as he switched allegiance from Thabo Mbeki to Zuma.

“We still don’t fully understand the medical science behind Shaik Syndrome, but we are all too familiar with the horrifying symptoms: the slow bloating triggered by donuts and sorbet; the paralysing ennui of discovering that the Tevo didn’t record the latest Idols auditions; and then the final, desperately sad decline into old age and death in between ten and fifty years.”

Meanwhile, Selebi’s brother says he stands by his assertion that sentencing judge, Meyer Joffe, is an “apartheid judge”, presiding over an “apartheid court”, and enforcing the “imperial West’s” Roman-Dutch legal system.

“Apartheid apartheid apartheid,” squealed  Suleiman Selebi when questioned by journalists. “Apartheid, plus apartheid, and because apartheid, we apartheid apartheid with apartheid and whether or not apartheid apartheid, we apartheid apartheid apartheid.”

This morning a spokesman from the Ministry of Justice asked Suleiman to “silence the noises in his head for five minutes” and to “listen very carefully.”

“Dude, I’m only going to say this once,” said spokesman Articles Tsotsobe. “The judges are appointed by your government. Your. Government.

“And as for imperialist Western Roman-Dutch law, you might want to ask your bra why he committed his life to policing that legal system. Although turns out he wasn’t so committed, was he?” :) :)
'Routine is the thief of time'
 

Offline IRISH

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Re: Selebi got the shake syndrome..
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2010, 03:08:15 pm »
Exceptionally well written and sadly, probably has a lot of truth in it.
 

Offline Paulsky

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Re: Selebi got the shake syndrome..
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2010, 03:11:42 pm »
Hayibo.com
" TARRED ROADS , JUST ANOTHER PERFECT EXAMPLE OF NEEDLESS,  SPENDING BY THE GOVERNMENT"
 

Offline Avontier

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Re: Selebi got the shake syndrome..
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2010, 03:15:17 pm »
The imperialist Western Roman-Dutch law is inappropriate, I agree.

Mob justice as administered yesterday to the clothes thieves in Umtata, and the copper thieves in Lenasia is way more suited.
 

Offline Pistonpete

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Re: Selebi got the shake syndrome..
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2010, 03:16:14 pm »
Vuvuzela is ancient African tradition like BMWs, R Kelly, says defiant SA

PRETORIA. The South African government has come out strongly in defence of the controversial vuvuzela, describing it as an ancient African tradition invented in Mexico in 1973. “The vuvuzela is as proudly African as R Kelly, BMWs, Breitling watches and thousands of other inventions from the Motherland,” said an outraged spokesman this morning.

The raucous plastic trumpets have been accused of destroying World Cup spirit by preventing fans from singing uplifting traditional songs such as Ronaldo Is A Wanker, Henri Is A Wanker, Messi Is A Wanker, and the evergreen German favourite, Rooney Ist Eine Wenker.

Some teams have urged FIFA to ban the vuvuzela outright, saying that top international stars are unable to hear their coaches shout important tactical instructions like how to breathe and run at the same time.

However, this morning the South African government sprang to the defence of the vuvuzela, describing it as one of Africa’s oldest and proudest traditions.

“These plastic vuvuzelas, we have been blowing them back through the mists of time, right back to 2001,” explained Sports Ministry spokesman Monotoni Tshabalala.

“It was then, the legend tells, that a wandering mystic mlungu called Neil van Schalkwyk was given seed money by the Elders in the accounts department at the magical South African Breweries and lo! The plastic vuvuzela was born!”

Asked why vuvuzelas were being promoted as an African invention when they were originally designed by Mexican football fans in the 1970s, Tshabalala said Mexico was historically part of South Africa.

“It’s called incontinental drifting,” she said. “It’s science. You can look it up.”

She explained that “almost everything” was an ancient African tradition or invention, including BMWs, Breitling watches, and singer R Kelly.

“Mr Kelly was carved from basalt by the forest spirits of Abyssinia and released from the living rock when it was split asunder by the righteous flatulence of Comrade Robert Mugabe after he had eaten a liberation-burrito made of the bones of BBC agents,” said Tshabalala.

“As for Beemers, they are made in Bavaria, which used to be part of the Ciskei but since 1994 it’s been run by the Lutheran Church, I think.”

She said she hoped tourists enjoyed their stay in South Africa, adding that if they had any complaints they were welcome to “blow them out of their arses”.

“This is our show,” she said. “If you don’t like it you can f*** off back home. Just leave the Euros on the nightstand on your way out.”
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Offline Pistonpete

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Re: Selebi got the shake syndrome..
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2010, 03:18:28 pm »
Mastermind Blatter happy with final preparations for Operation Rob The Darkies

JOHANNESBURG. ‘Fingers’ Blatter, the shadowy head of an international money-making syndicate known as ‘Feefa’, says he is pleased with the final preparations ahead of the start of his latest caper, codenamed Operation Rob The Gullible Darkies Blind While Convincing Them This Was Their Idea, also known as the World Cup. “Eeeexcellent,” murmured Blatter stroking his pet iguana.

Forensic investigators suggest that once the month-long heist is complete, Blatter and his international gang will have made off with around $2-billion in profit, while its victims – the South African taxpayer – will be around $1-billion poorer.

“It’s a brilliant scheme,” explained lead investigator Papertrail Nyanda.

“South Africa spends about $4-billion, of which it will recoup about $2.7-billion. Either way, Fingers and his gang walk away with their two billion.

“In other words, the South African government is suckered into burning $1.3 billion it doesn’t have to create a massive smokescreen behind which Fingers and the lads make their getaway.

“It’s money for nothing and the chicks for free.”

Meanwhile Blatter confirmed that Operation Rob The Gullible Darkies Blind While Convincing Them This Was Their Idea was on track for a smooth execution later this week.

“The amazing thing is that they still don’t suspect anything,” he chortled, tossing chocolate raisins to his  iguana, Danny Jordaan.

“They think it’s about football, the poor bumpkins!”

He said none of the expected hitches had occurred.

“We weren’t sure how we were going to get the loot out of the country undetected,” he said. “But then they changed the laws of the Republic and made my guys exempt from tax laws and exchange controls.

“Short of actually being accomplices they couldn’t have been nicer.”

Meanwhile the government is adamant that hosting the World Cup was the right thing to do, despite half the country being unemployed and a third living in abject poverty.

“Yes, we could have used that R40-billion to build 700,000 RDP houses,” said spokesman Circus Maximus Magubane.

“But if we had done that then Wayne Rooney would never have come here and actually touched us.

“I am never washing my hand again, ever.”

Meanwhile five million South Africans have also confirmed that they will not be washing their hands again, ever, largely because they do not have access to clean running water.
'Routine is the thief of time'