captain jack
Race Dog
Probably posted before, but still good.
2017/11/16, 21:09:01: +27 83 530 9068: In the market for a dirt bike?? A few short reviews for the serious buyers out there. Better to know than to not.
BMW 1200GS
Oh jeez, where to begin... This steaming pile of excrement’s undeserved popularity is outweighed only by its actual weight. Follow the crowd, independent thought is over-rated! Pointless 1930s technology brought to the present for absolutely no reason. Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 1290
Making well over 600hp this is the official bike of the mid-life crisis. Your wife might even stop sleeping with the mailman when you get one of these babies! Unreliable doesn’t begin to describe it though, the airbox sucks like your mom after 3 glasses of Four Cousins. Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 1090
Want a 1290 but too much of a pansy to handle the power? This is for you! Terrible suspension. 0/10
BMW 800GS
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Terrible suspension. 0/10
Honda Africa Twin 1000
Like a worse KTM 990. Can you say “under-powered”? Making only 95hp, this bike is rendered practically useless. 15 years of waiting for this? Let down of the century! Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 990
Like a worse Africa Twin. Ugly as the night, looks like a Matric metalwork project. Fuel consumption rivals that of a Land Cruiser, rendering any trip longer than 15km impossible. Suspension is terrible. 0/10
Honda 250 Rally
Honda has fooled a handful of idiots into thinking this delivery bike is dual sport. It even has them paying over 90k for a bike that should be dropping off Debonairs at your house on Friday evening. Suspension is absolutely terrible. 0/10
Yamaha Super Tenere 1200
You want a 1200GS in blue, but without the free muffins? It costs HOW MUCH? Absolutely terrible suspension. 0/10
Yamaha XT660Z Tenere
This bike weighs almost as much as 1200GS but with one fourteenth of the power. Kymco scooters will flatten you at the traffic lights. Only an absolute idiot would opt for this abortion of a motorcycle. Has a long fuel range, so you’ll be subjected to hours and hours of excruciating seat time. Suspension=terrible. 0/10
Triumph Tiger 800
Haha don’t even kid me. So bad even Triumph itself fled from the country, leaving us stuck with this pathetic mess. It depreciates faster than the Rand during a Zuma speech. And reliability? It’s British in every sense of the word! Avoid at all costs. Suspension is so terrible. 0/10
Kawasaki KLR650
“Hello, this is the 1960s calling, we want our technology back please!” A face only a blind mother could love, this almost out-ugly’s the KTM 990. A reversing Fiat UNO has a higher top speed. Suspension is terrible. 0/10
Suzuki DR650
See KLR650 review but much, much worse. “It’s old so it must be reliable”, haha, yeah right. Carry some extra oil buddy! Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 690
You have to be a special brand of stupid to want to cover long distance on a glorified dirt bike. Luckily, there’s this steaming turd for that! You want to pay over a hundred grand for a pimped-up plaasbike? As reliable as an investment opportunity email from a Prince in Nigeria. Suspension? Terrible. 0/10 Huswqawjqwskwarna 701 A KTM 690 in yellow. From the country that invented ABBA comes an equally terrible bike. You’ll be screaming “Mamma Mia!” at the discomfort that comes with riding anything further than 2km. Also, try saying “Husqvarna” without sounding like an orangutan having a stroke. Suspension is terrible. 0/10 stolen just for you !
Honda Africa Twin 750
Ever heard the old saying “never meet your hero?” Here’s living proof. The motorcycle equivalent of Clint Eastwood’s career, this washed-up has-been will leave you wondering if it was even good in the first place. Suspension: terrible. 0/10
BMW 310GS
BMW becomes Bangalore Motor Works for this diahorrea-inducing Indian take-away special. Thin little naan bread wheels make it as frustrating to ride on dirt as calling Dinesh for tech support. But hey, it says BMW on the badge and that’s enough, right? Suspension is great!...just kidding, it’s terrible. 0/10
Honda XR650R
This bike is best known for winning the Baja 1000, a dinky little consolation-prize race for those who can’t make it in the Dakar. So it’s no surprise that it’s absolutely useless in all regards. The “Big Red Pig” tries to be both a dirtbike and a dual sport, and only succeeds in failing at both. More like the “Big Red Compromise”! Terrible Suspension. 0/10
Honda XR650L
Shame man, does the fast version of the XR650 scare you too much? This piece of 80s nostalgia will go well with your old denim jacket and Duran-Duran records. Obviously the worst decade of music produced similarly bad motorcycles. Suspension is terrible. 0/10
Suzuki V-Strom 1000/650
Oh sorry, I thought we were reviewing off-road motorcycles, don’t know how this streetbike slipped in here. Impossible to take off tarmac. Even negotiating a gravel driveway will feel like day 2 of the Amageza. Largely due to the suspension (which is terrible). Comes in two engine variants: “under-powered” and “severely under-powered”. 0/10
Ducati Multistada
The Italians are known for their beautiful designs, but what the hell happened here? You’ll be putting your helmet on backwards just so you don’t have to look at it. And boy is it unreliable…In fact, scientists have recently confirmed that there’s no such thing as Dalmatians. Just Labradors that slept under Multistradas. Sospensione terribile. 0/10
BMW F650 Dakar
With a Rotax engine very obviously designed for ride-on lawnmowers, this single cylinder is an absolute mess. BMW tries (and fails) to reinvent the wheel by placing the fuel tank under the seat, resulting in absolutely no advantages at all. Terrible suspension. 0/10
Zongsheng GY200-A
This is the high-performance light-weight dual sport we’ve all been waiting for. This incredible bike has off-road capabilities that will have you winning the Roof, Amageza and Dakar without breaking a sweat. With its high top speed, you’ll also be cruising the highway to Windhoek and back for lunch in under an hour. Absolutely amazing suspension. 10/10
2017/11/16, 21:09:01: +27 83 530 9068: In the market for a dirt bike?? A few short reviews for the serious buyers out there. Better to know than to not.
BMW 1200GS
Oh jeez, where to begin... This steaming pile of excrement’s undeserved popularity is outweighed only by its actual weight. Follow the crowd, independent thought is over-rated! Pointless 1930s technology brought to the present for absolutely no reason. Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 1290
Making well over 600hp this is the official bike of the mid-life crisis. Your wife might even stop sleeping with the mailman when you get one of these babies! Unreliable doesn’t begin to describe it though, the airbox sucks like your mom after 3 glasses of Four Cousins. Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 1090
Want a 1290 but too much of a pansy to handle the power? This is for you! Terrible suspension. 0/10
BMW 800GS
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Terrible suspension. 0/10
Honda Africa Twin 1000
Like a worse KTM 990. Can you say “under-powered”? Making only 95hp, this bike is rendered practically useless. 15 years of waiting for this? Let down of the century! Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 990
Like a worse Africa Twin. Ugly as the night, looks like a Matric metalwork project. Fuel consumption rivals that of a Land Cruiser, rendering any trip longer than 15km impossible. Suspension is terrible. 0/10
Honda 250 Rally
Honda has fooled a handful of idiots into thinking this delivery bike is dual sport. It even has them paying over 90k for a bike that should be dropping off Debonairs at your house on Friday evening. Suspension is absolutely terrible. 0/10
Yamaha Super Tenere 1200
You want a 1200GS in blue, but without the free muffins? It costs HOW MUCH? Absolutely terrible suspension. 0/10
Yamaha XT660Z Tenere
This bike weighs almost as much as 1200GS but with one fourteenth of the power. Kymco scooters will flatten you at the traffic lights. Only an absolute idiot would opt for this abortion of a motorcycle. Has a long fuel range, so you’ll be subjected to hours and hours of excruciating seat time. Suspension=terrible. 0/10
Triumph Tiger 800
Haha don’t even kid me. So bad even Triumph itself fled from the country, leaving us stuck with this pathetic mess. It depreciates faster than the Rand during a Zuma speech. And reliability? It’s British in every sense of the word! Avoid at all costs. Suspension is so terrible. 0/10
Kawasaki KLR650
“Hello, this is the 1960s calling, we want our technology back please!” A face only a blind mother could love, this almost out-ugly’s the KTM 990. A reversing Fiat UNO has a higher top speed. Suspension is terrible. 0/10
Suzuki DR650
See KLR650 review but much, much worse. “It’s old so it must be reliable”, haha, yeah right. Carry some extra oil buddy! Terrible suspension. 0/10
KTM 690
You have to be a special brand of stupid to want to cover long distance on a glorified dirt bike. Luckily, there’s this steaming turd for that! You want to pay over a hundred grand for a pimped-up plaasbike? As reliable as an investment opportunity email from a Prince in Nigeria. Suspension? Terrible. 0/10 Huswqawjqwskwarna 701 A KTM 690 in yellow. From the country that invented ABBA comes an equally terrible bike. You’ll be screaming “Mamma Mia!” at the discomfort that comes with riding anything further than 2km. Also, try saying “Husqvarna” without sounding like an orangutan having a stroke. Suspension is terrible. 0/10 stolen just for you !
Honda Africa Twin 750
Ever heard the old saying “never meet your hero?” Here’s living proof. The motorcycle equivalent of Clint Eastwood’s career, this washed-up has-been will leave you wondering if it was even good in the first place. Suspension: terrible. 0/10
BMW 310GS
BMW becomes Bangalore Motor Works for this diahorrea-inducing Indian take-away special. Thin little naan bread wheels make it as frustrating to ride on dirt as calling Dinesh for tech support. But hey, it says BMW on the badge and that’s enough, right? Suspension is great!...just kidding, it’s terrible. 0/10
Honda XR650R
This bike is best known for winning the Baja 1000, a dinky little consolation-prize race for those who can’t make it in the Dakar. So it’s no surprise that it’s absolutely useless in all regards. The “Big Red Pig” tries to be both a dirtbike and a dual sport, and only succeeds in failing at both. More like the “Big Red Compromise”! Terrible Suspension. 0/10
Honda XR650L
Shame man, does the fast version of the XR650 scare you too much? This piece of 80s nostalgia will go well with your old denim jacket and Duran-Duran records. Obviously the worst decade of music produced similarly bad motorcycles. Suspension is terrible. 0/10
Suzuki V-Strom 1000/650
Oh sorry, I thought we were reviewing off-road motorcycles, don’t know how this streetbike slipped in here. Impossible to take off tarmac. Even negotiating a gravel driveway will feel like day 2 of the Amageza. Largely due to the suspension (which is terrible). Comes in two engine variants: “under-powered” and “severely under-powered”. 0/10
Ducati Multistada
The Italians are known for their beautiful designs, but what the hell happened here? You’ll be putting your helmet on backwards just so you don’t have to look at it. And boy is it unreliable…In fact, scientists have recently confirmed that there’s no such thing as Dalmatians. Just Labradors that slept under Multistradas. Sospensione terribile. 0/10
BMW F650 Dakar
With a Rotax engine very obviously designed for ride-on lawnmowers, this single cylinder is an absolute mess. BMW tries (and fails) to reinvent the wheel by placing the fuel tank under the seat, resulting in absolutely no advantages at all. Terrible suspension. 0/10
Zongsheng GY200-A
This is the high-performance light-weight dual sport we’ve all been waiting for. This incredible bike has off-road capabilities that will have you winning the Roof, Amageza and Dakar without breaking a sweat. With its high top speed, you’ll also be cruising the highway to Windhoek and back for lunch in under an hour. Absolutely amazing suspension. 10/10
